Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Cage of Thrones Is Everything You Never Knew You Needed

Look.  You get it.  Game of Thrones has it all.  Dragons, boobs, magic, magic boobs, John Snow's curly hair, etc.  We all love it, and with good reason.  But the question begs to be asked...could it be even better? If you’re like me, you’ve often thought that there was only one way that Game of Thrones  could be way better: If each and every part was played by Nicolas Cage. 

I must take this man's face....off.

While we may never get to see this dream realized (thanks a lot, HBO), we can now experience a Cage of Thrones in picture form. A Reddit user named CarlosDanger100 took the time to photoshop Cage’s face onto the bodies of 30 Game of Thrones characters. Let’s take a look at some of ’em:
Yes.

Oh yes.

Okay, this one is kinda uncannily good.

I love the Internet so much.

You can see CarlosDanger100’s entire Nicolas Cage Game of Thrones collection over at Imgur. Don’t forget to hum the GoT theme while going through them!  Or, you know, the Con Air theme.

Amy Schumer's Time Traveling Savior

In her latest sketch, Amy Schumer comes back from the future to give her present self some good news and some bad news. Bad news first: She has to give the wack guy she’s dating a blowjob in the bar bathroom, or else she’ll butterfly effect humanity right into extinction.





Good news, though: She looks so great with bangs, so the whole thing is kind of a wash.

Monday, June 29, 2015

Don't Steal A Hearse You Idiot

Stop stealing hearses everybody.  They have dead bodies inside of them.

These are the types of vehicles you should steal, if you must steal a vehicle: non-hearse cars; non-hearse trucks.  You could even steal a horse if you aren't into the whole getting away real quickly, and not needing to let your stolen vehicle drink water periodically. These are the types of vehicles you shouldn’t: hearses. And yet, people keep stealing hearses.

Of course you crashed it, when you noticed the dead body in the back!

Police in Atlanta, Georgia, recently arrested another hearse-stealing person because along with allegedly stealing the hearse, the person allegedly stole a corpse. Duh-doy—it was a hearse, my friend. There are dead people in those. Atlanta police Officer Ralph Woolfolk told the AtlantaJournal-Constitution that the hearse was taken on Sunday morning outside Grady Memorial Hospital, before it was abandoned nearby:

Woolfolk tells The Atlanta Journal-Constitution that the suspect abandoned the hearse a few blocks from Grady, then stole a Ford Explorer and drove off in that vehicle.

Now that’s more like it. Why couldn't you just steal a regular car in the first place?  It's not like hearses are somehow easier to steal than regular cars...or is it? 

Police reportedly recovered the hearse, with the body, and have a suspect in custody.

Everyone: Stop stealing hearses. Unless you want a dead body along with the car, or maybe you even want a dead body primarily. Then continue to steal hearses—my apologies.

MC Shia Is A Thing Now

Here is an interesting exercise in willpower: Try to watch the video below in it's entirety without stopping it.  All in one go.  




Could you do it?  Took me several tries.  Several.  And it was...difficult.

On Sunday, avant-garde performance artist Shia LaBeouf (complete with strange King Leonidas 300 style rat-tail hair) introduced his latest character, the white rapper persona “Shia LaBeouf,” with a freewheeling freestyle touching on everything from how he eats rivals (like tuna casserole) to how he gets it (like he’s got it).

In the undated, apparently recent footage, the rattail aficionado spits tepid fire for almost three minutes, dropping references to potatoes, astronomer Galileo Galilei and then potatoes again for some reason.

To be fair, for a genuinely spontaneous freestyle, LaBeouf’s performance could have been a lot worse. Still, it’s the sort of thing that partygoers would briskly walk away from if your name wasn’t “Transformers star Shia LaBeouf”—an association the MC really wishes you’d forget about, by the way.

Transformers is the dummy rap,” says LaBeouf in the video, “and I’m so past that.”

Welcome to the world of struggle rap Shia, you should fit right in.

Sunday, June 28, 2015

Launching Rockets Is Hard

NASA, these days relegated to not creating rockets (what they do best obviously) but monitoring other companies' rockets has confirmed this morning that the latest creation by the smartypantses (I mean this in the most respectful way) at SpaceX have some work ahead of them.

"Well...we are fired."

After a successful launch of their latest rocket, the good folks at SpaceX have learned that the whole "what goes up..." side of gravity can most definitely not be the best thing. That's because it came back down, in much smaller pieces. That bitch exploded. Spectacularly, as well, a space rocket blowing up can be. Pieces of the failure could be seen falling into the Atlantic ocean, the Guardian reports.

NASA spokesman George Diller told NBC News that the last readings from the rocket came two minutes and 19 seconds after launch.  A timetable that seems easy to make fun of, as long as you omit the fact that neither you nor I are smart enough to make a paper airplane that flies for 3 seconds.

According to the Guardian, SpaceX said that the anomaly occurred when the rocket went supersonic.

Falcon 9’s primary objective was to delivery a robotic cargo capsule called Dragon—the payload of which included food and oxygen—to the space station.

There is no immediate threat to life for the astronauts on the space station, the Verge reports. This was the first time a Falcon 9 rocket has failed, after 18 successful launches. It is also, however, the third failed resupply mission to the ISS in the last year.

So if you look at the whole picture though, that record isn't so bad.  Either way, rocket science is kind of exactly the fuck that, rocket science.  I mean, look how hard it was when the whole damn country was working on it:




Good luck you smart sons of bitches.

FUNDAY: Spare Change

Change. People do not enjoy it, but yet it happens anyway.  Even on Funday.

There are going to be a few changes around here starting this week.  Think of it as a trial run.  Just to see if anybody actually reads this feature, we are gonna remove the "VIDEOS" section for a week or two and see how things work.

For a while Funday will now be just the "MUSIC" section, followed by the "BONUS VIDEO" of course.  All killer, no filler.  Nothing but the hits to enhance your weekend.

To be honest, it just takes too long to put these together, and not enough people seem to actually care.   So here is the new Funday below.  Funday will continue to evolve based on the amount of work I am willing to put into it, which right now is not yet clear.  Sorry for the changes.

But to make up for it here is a bear in a pool:




TUNES

Big Sean f/Kanye West

Ask me on any given week, and I will probably give you a different answer on how I regard the music of Big Sean.  My opinion of him changes as much as the quality of his content can vary from song to song.  Sometimes he can be as clever as anyone, often in the same song dropping some of the corniest lines.  This time he is clever, resigning himself almost to a feature on his own song, and letting Yeezus not only bless this banger with a great chorus but also some hilarious stuff.  When you get Kanye on your song talking about opening a Montessori school, you know you got something good.






Vince Staples

Vince Staples just put out his debut album.  Vince Staples is one of the most exciting and talented rappers out right now.  On the surface of this song it seems like another street banger about making money, the kind of stuff you enjoy all the time.  However, like everything he does, it hides a depth, a darkness to it. He isn't glorifying making money, in the world of Vince Staples, Long Beach to be exact, making money is the only option. Standing on the block until sunrise is required, to be able to find even a modicum of control over his life through monetary means.  This guy is really something.






Shura

What is the sound of one hand clapping?  What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?  In our reality there are many thought provoking questions of science and philosophy.  I would posit a new one: Is it actually possible for Shura to make a bad song?  This one might even be able to be solved, with a simple "NO."







Jessy Lanza 

Between this and Les Sins’ “Bother,” inflatable wavy-arms car-dealership guys are experiencing a real music-video renaissance.






Gener8tion f/ M.I.A.

Filmed at Shaolin Tagou, the biggest fighting school for kids in China, this is one of the most incredible music videos I have ever seen.  36,000 badasses, who most of which look under 16 at best. Right now I am feeling more than a little unreasonably angry that my parents didn't send me away here as a child.  Incredible.






BONUS CLIP





Remember, if you hate this Funday change let me know.  I will at least know that somebody reads this thing.  If you like it, maybe also let me know....see above.

See you next week, if there is indeed actually a you that reads this.

Friday, June 26, 2015

AOTW: It's Not Just The Hair That Sucks

Welcome back to the Asshole of The Week.  Where each Friday we single out one person, place, or thing from the week that is the absolute worst.  This week was easy, as we have a perpetual shitbag just doing what he does.  The status quo of douchebaggery was fulfilled. The birds sing, the sun rises, and Donald Trump acts like a fuckboy.

Donald Trump, to be fair, says a lot of idiot things. And for the most part, people just ignore him until he tires himself out, as you might a child having a tantrum. But it looks like his idiot comments about drug-addicted-rapist Mexicans rightfully offended some people—Univision says they’re not going to air the Miss USA beauty pageant as long as he’s involved.




Trump, who is a part-owner of the pageant, recently inked a lucrative five-year deal with Univision to air and co-produce both the Miss USA and Miss Universe pageants.

But then he opened his mouth. Via CNN:


Last week, in his speech announcing a run for president, Trump deplored immigrants from Mexico who “have lots of problems” and are “bringing those problems to us.”
“They’re bringing drugs, they’re bringing crime, they’re rapists,” he said, adding, “and some, I assume, are good people.

The pageant was set to air July 12, but Univision CEO Randy Falco says that’s definitely not happening.


“At Univision, we see first-hand the work ethic, love for family, strong religious values and the important role Mexican immigrants and Mexican-Americans have had and will continue to have in building the future of our country,” the company said. “We will not be airing the Miss USA pageant on July 12 or working on any other projects tied to the Trump Organization.”

Trump, who in some alternate universe could technically, one presumes accidentally, win a primary to become president of our country, says the whole thing is a government plot.  He also went on to say some more stupid shit on Twitter, but I value my audience enough to not subject them to this utter waste of their time reading his tweets.

And that my friends, is how you award the Asshole of The Week.  A fucking stupid shitbag with the world's worst haircut also proves he is just as terrible on the inside as how he looks on the outside.  As always, fuck you Trump.  You are a fucking modern marvel of assholery. Fuck yourself.

Don't Fucking Touch The Queen's Guard

Sure, the Queen’s Guard look approachable with their funny hats and their silly formations, but don’t you even try it!!!!!!





Also, if you happen to be around where the Queen's Guard is getting down, then pay attention.  Or at least get out of the fucking way, before you get stomped out.




Make way, motherfucker! 

Meanwhile, in America.

Thursday, June 25, 2015

House Cat Sends Nosy Bear Packing

On Sunday, an Alaska house cat had a clear message for a nosy black bear, telling the interloper (in the universal language of clawing), “Hey, big guy, get lost!

“’O-lee,” added someone, “shit!”





“She’s really such a fraidy-cat most of the time, I don’t know what got into her,” owner Darlis Elliott later told KTUU. “We were all really surprised that she lunged at him, but we were more surprised that it scared him enough to fall of the porch.”

Elliot says the bear—who can obviously tell when he’s not wanted—hasn’t been seen around since.

Fucking A.  Nobody needs a nosy bear in their life.  Get that cat some nip, she deserves to get high after that triumph of spirit.

Hold Up. Did Lexus Just Make A Real Hoverboard?

The latest video in Lexus’ Amazing in Motion series reveals what the company is claiming is a working hoverboard that manages to float about an inch off the ground. It’s a far cry from what we saw in Back to the Future 2, but has the carmaker brought us one step closer to our dreams?

The answer: Maybe.

Come on now.  Don't play with me.

We’ve seen plenty of hoverboards and hover toys and hover miscellanery over the years, and they all rely on super-strong magnets to stay aloft. But the more weight you intend to add, the colder and stronger those magnets need to be. Lexus claims its hoverboard uses liquid nitrogen-cooled superconductors and permanent magnets to support an actual rider, hence the foggy mist coming off the board.

What's interesting is that so far the company has been very tight-lipped about the specifics. It did reveal that the hoverboard has been in development for over 18 months by teams in both Germany and London, and it’s currently being tested by a professional skateboarder in Barcelona, although riding it is supposedly an entirely different experience.




When it comes to hoverboards, we desperately want to believe. After all, 2015 is here, and it looks nothing like the future predicted in Back to the Future 2. Why shouldn’t we have floating skateboards by now?

But there are lots of clues that give us reason not to get our hopes up this time. Every hover device that relies on superconductors only works on a special magnetic surface, and this board appears to be floating on concrete at a regular old skate park. 

Eventually Lexus did admit that their board isn't just hovering over regular concrete, so there is that.  And so far they haven't shown anyone riding the thing.  They have promised to show more, but until that day comes, we might just have to again go back to our hover-dream well.  Good ol' Marty McFly won't ever let us down.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Watch Channing Tatum Act Out Magic Mike Scenes Written By Kids

Last night on the Tonight Show, Channing Tatum did a bunch of Magic Mike scenes written by children, and it was charming and certainly more entertaining than GI Joe—though to be fair, Channing Tatum just reading this email on loop would also be more entertaining than GI Joe.





Equally charming was Tatum’s willingness to do the presumably cold read—he recently said doing SNL was “by far the most terrifying thing that I’ve ever done, because there is a lot of reading involved, and I don’t read that well out loud. I get terrified and freeze up.”

Even so, it was still probably more enjoyable than doing GI Joe. Turns out Tatum liked that film about as much as the audiences did: yesterday he told Howard Stern he was basically contracted into it against his will:

“Look, I’ll be honest. I f**king hate that movie. I hate that movie. I was pushed into doing that movie. [After] Coach Carter, they signed me for a three-picture deal […] And as a young [actor], you’re like, ‘Oh my god, that sounds amazing, I’m doing that!’”

Does he regret making any other movies? Hard to say...

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Man Sets World Record With Over 1 Million Pixel Portrait

1,128,960 blocks to be exact, all placed by hand. Things like this are usually built with a help of a software, converting the art into Minecraft blocks. But not this one.

The creator Thorlar livestreamed the whole process—23 weeks—as he slowly transformed the empty map into the trio of Kerrigan, Diablo and Deathwing.


You can zoom in and out (and search for tiny errors) here.





Wow

Maya Rudolph's Rachel Dolezal Is As Perfect As You'd Imagine

Nothing reminds you more that Maya Rudolph should constantly be on television other than when Maya Rudolph appears on television.  Especially when there is something so ripe for comedy as the case of Rachel Dolezal.  It's kind of frustrating at worst, and at best a double edged sword.  It sure is always great to see her doing something funny, but then when she does you want oh so much more funny from the woman.

Luckily, Rudolph stopped by Late Night With Seth Meyers last night and slapped on an afro wig, beautifully evading Meyers’ questions about her racial identity. “It happens to me every day,” she said, referring to people begging her to do an impression of Dolezal. “I gotta say, the whole thing is very fascinating to me.”

Check it out:





Somebody get this woman back in front of my eyeballs real soon.

Monday, June 22, 2015

Man Spends Six Years Crocheting One Super Mario Map

It took him over 800 hours, but Kjetil Nordin finally completed his magnum opus.  A crocheted map of Super Mario Brothers 3 World 1.  Behold his masterpiece:

Uncanny...


Nordin, who happens to also be Norwegian, a computer programmer, and a skydiver, made his lovely recreation over a span of 6 years.

Anyone with basic crochet skills and a whole lot of free time can make a map out of yarn, but Nordin went several extra miles, researching the exact yarn colors needed to emulate the map—which Reddit points out seems to be for the Super Mario All-Stars version of the game—going as far as to scrap an entire section and restart when the water turned out a bit too purple, as reported by NRK

Nordin’s next project will be finding a way to mount the yarn map to a wall without completely ruining it. I sincerely hope he does not own cats.

John Oliver Explains Why The Internet Sucks For Women

“Congratulations on your white penis — because if you have one of those, you probably have a very different experience of the internet,” explained Jon Oliver on last night’s Last Week Tonight. And in this 15-minute video, he explains why that’s the case.

With his usual combination of brutal honestly and biting satire, he explores online harrasment, revenge porn and the ways in which it generally sucks to be a woman online. It’s well worth watching and absorbing—especially if you have a white penis.

The Internet, like we all already know, is fucked.  Big time if you happen to not be a male.  So take a step back and remember this fact next time you decide to post a comment, especially if you are an asshole.

Check it out:





Ugh.




Sunday, June 21, 2015

FUNDAY: E3 HYPE: E3 Is Over And Here Are My Top 11 Games of The Show

Hey everybody it is Funday yet again, and this Funday is special because it is exactly one week after the Electronics Entertainment Expo AKA the biggest show in video games.  So this time I decided to do something a little different for Funday and because I am such a nerd for games, I will now give you my best picks that I saw.

This was a bittersweet Electronic Three for me, as it reminded me that modern video game Triple A development is still very much a very difficult environment.  Companies are very resistant on creating new games, when making a sequel is much more safe financially.  And really, the fact that people just lap up things that are already familiar to them, coupled with the fact that big budget games take years and cost tens of millions of dollars to develop makes it hard to blame the fact that there are so many "So and So 4's" and "That Thing 3's" appearing on the show floor.

That said though, we still are living in a gaming environment where there are so many smaller teams coming together to develop the kind of mind blowing stuff that you can liken to the games of your childhood that made you fall in love with video gamed entertainment in the first place.  These folks were at E3 as well, and damn if they didn't make their own splash.

For me personally there were so many highs, and a few lows.  For instance, once again nobody announced a sequel to the Playstation classic (in my mind) Shadowman.  Going on over a decade now...

I will continue to dare to dream.

And there again was still no MediEvil on Sony's stage.

I am serious about this one. Please Sony. Do this one thing for me.

But aside from my obsession with semi-obscure Playstation games, there was indeed a lot to enjoy.

This was a tough list to make.  In a year that saw some mindblowing announcements of old games coming back (Shenmue III! Final Fantasy VII!), expected but still awesome sequels (Tomb Raider, Dark Souls 3), and darling indies (Cuphead, Crossing Souls, Galak-Z) I really tried to pick the stuff that stood out to me.  The stuff that made me really excited.  But that doesn't mean I didn't end up with a fuckload of honorable mentions, because I did.

So we are gonna do another top 11 this year because fuck a top 10!  Also, because I just could not leave one game off this list.  Below you will find some games from last years list that still have not come out, some new things that seemingly were stolen from my mind, and as few sequels as I could possibly include (Sorry Uncharted 4, broke my heart to leave you out.)  On top of that, given that games only get announced to then inevitably be delayed, I kept it down to only two games that were on my list last year, both of which might just be out this year.

So check it out, if anything you can just watch all the trailers:

11) Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain

If you know me, then you know that Metal Gear Solid is without doubt my favorite gaming series ever.  So placing it at number 11 might seem confusing, but I assure you there is a reason.  This game is merely a few months away from release (September 1st) and I just want it more than anything.  However, it would be unfair to this magnificent lineup to put it at number one again.  So there.  

All that said, you can drive a jeep through the Afghan desert in the 1980's with your robotic arm, accompanied by a dog wearing an eye-patch, while listening to Hall & Oates' '82 masterpiece "Maneater." Which is of course on a cassette you stole from some Russian soldiers.  It's clear this game is going to be great.





10) Horizon: Zero Dawn

Guerilla Games has for their entire history been known pretty much for creating only Killzone games.  You know, the games that you know exist, but just cannot find anyone who really is a fan of... That must suck to have to do that for so long.  Well, good news is that they don't have to do that anymore!  Instead of doing another shooter, they have made something that looks truly awesome.  Two words: Robot Dinosaurs. Sold.







9) Galak-Z

One of the hard parts about being a modern day games fan is that when something really sparks your interest, often it is years away from being released.  Sometimes, it may even never be released.  It's the nature of game development.  Thankfully for me, this game is not only coming, but is finally coming this summer sometimes (if it isn't delayed of course.)  Throwing out references to old school Mecha anime, sunday morning cartoons, and space exploration, this one hits me in all my pleasure zones real hard.  Just look at the thing.







8) EITR

Pixel art.  Let's talk about it.  For years now it has increasingly become an aesthetic for indie devs who want to try to make their game look like a unique throwback, often while doing things that their pixel art-style could never support 20 years ago.  It's a tired trend, and one that I am frankly sick of.  So that's why I was just as surprised as you that this one really grabbed me.  It's art is so good it almost transcends that genre, and makes me forget all my fatigue.







7) Firewatch

"What is Firewatch?" – This is a running joke in the video game community, when such an intriguing game as the titular one is teased.  On the outside you play a man hired to be a fire watcher, who spends his days and nights in a park doing just that–watching out for forrest fires.  Your only human contact some rowdy teens, and a radio connecting you to home base.  Then someone maybe starts stalking you out there in the woods... What is Firewatch?  Intriguing. Very much so.







6) Wattam

Coming from the mind of Keita Takahashi, the man who is responsible for Noby Noby Boy and Katamari Damacy (two games that you have to go play right now if you haven't), Wattam kind of defies explanation.  It's a game about friendship, emotion, and holding hands with a cloud.  You can be a toilet named Steve, or a turntable named Dennis who commands sushi to party and has a button press that instantly summons dancehall airhorns.  It's the kind of beautiful joy that probably made you fall in love with games when you were a child, and it is delightful.  Just watch the trailer, and if you don't at least smile, you have no soul.







5) DOOM

DOOM. FUCKING DOOM.  Send your puny ass back to fucking HELL you pitiful whelp of scum! The Legion is upon you.  DOOM IS FUCKING NIGH.







4) Super Mario Maker

I do not own a Wii U.  Although there have been some games that have released for the Wii U that made me interested, I have been able to escape feeling obligated to buy one...until now. Nintendo has done it again.  They have made the Mario game you have always wanted, even if you didn't know you wanted it.  Create your own levels, over three different generations of Mario games.  Instantly play other people's creations without having to download them.  And in true Nintendo fashion, do it in the most simple, user-friendly, and intuitive way that you possibly could.  Amazing.







3) Just Cause 3

Everything explodes everywhere always forever.  This is gonna be something, and by something I mean everything blowing up constantly.






2) No Man's Sky

I have trouble explaining this game.  Hell, even the developers have trouble explaining it, but if the potential of their ideas is realized, this could be one of the most mind-blowing games ever created.  Something that is made by four Irishmen in a basement.  Billions of planets to freely explore, near countless environments and plant an animal life to discover and categorize.  It is the literal game that you have always imagined but thought to be impossible.  And it is being realized quite possibly right in front of your eyes.  Incredible.






1) Fallout 4   

No Man's Sky is shaping up to truly be a marvel, but man, Fallout is my jam.  I cannot remember a time where my jaw hit the floor so frequently in one presentation reveal.  It's doing so much it is hard to even remember everything.  Building your own settlements, customizing guns to your liking, recruiting companions.  It's the Fallout game and clockwork world that Fallout fans go crazy for, and I am about as big of a Fallout fan as there is.






Honorable Mentions: Dark Souls 3, Rise of The Tomb Raider, Ashen, Uncharted 4, Star Wars: Battlefront, Last Guardian, Hitman, Deus Ex: Mankind Divided, Tacoma, Ghost Recon Wildlands, For Honor


So there you go.  Those are the video games that really knocked my socks off.  Get your wallets ready, because some of these are actually going to come out.  Hopefully.  I think.

Friday, June 19, 2015

North Korea's New Miracle Drug Totally Cures Everything No Problem

Well, hang it up America.  Call it quits capitalist dogs.  North Korea has done it again.  The DPRK, home of unicorns, had reported through it's completely reliable state-run media  that homegrown scientists have found the cure for HIV, various cancers, heart disease, impotence, bad skin, Ebola...and pretty much everything.

Pictured: The dude who came up with it one night, no big deal.

What was this magic cure?  Turns out it was the stuff we capitalist fools have been putting on our plants for years, wasting it right in the damn dirt.  It was fertilizer.  Why didn't any scientists, if they really are so smart, think of that?

The compound, Kumdang-2, is allegedly extracted from ginseng using fertilizer, rare-earth elements, gold, and platinum, and solves every health problem with a single injection. It’s definitely real, and definitely not just propaganda meant to troll South Korea as it deals with an outbreak of MERS.

As of yet, there are shockingly no clinical trials of Kumdang-2. But do not worry, because you can rely on “the opinions of millions of patients, all of which have been collected over the last 23 years since May, 1989.” Millions. Of people. Who are totally real.

Also, 1989 was not 23 years ago. But can you blame them for not studying math?  They obviously have been too busy with the science. DUH. 

Now there are only two reasons why we haven't had any of this drug in the past...however many years. Either there’s something fishy about this miracle drug, or North Korea’s dear leader, Kim Jong-un, has been in possession of a universal cure for three years and held out on the rest of the world.

Everyone knows Kim wouldn't dare lie, so it must be the latter.  Damn Kim, that's harsh.

After The Charleston Shooting John Stewart Is Without Jokes

Jon Stewart makes his living turning the news into jokes. But on the day after a racially motivated massacre left nine dead at the Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church in Charleston, South Carolina, Stewart said he had no jokes to tell.





"I have one job, and it's a pretty simple job," he said on "The Daily Show" on Thursday night. "I come in in the morning, and we look at the news and I write jokes about it."

He continued:

“But I didn’t do my job today, so I apologize. I got nothing for you in terms of jokes and sounds, because of what happened in South Carolina. And maybe if I wasn’t near the end of the run, or this wasn’t such a common occurrence, maybe I could’ve pulled out of the spiral. But I didn’t. And so, I honestly have nothing other than just sadness once again that we have to peer into the abyss of the depraved violence that we do to each other and the nexus of a just gaping racial wound that will not heal yet we pretend doesn't exist."

But having been down this road too many times, he also knows what will happen next. Or, rather, what won't happen next.

“By acknowledging it -- by staring into that and seeing it for what it is -- we still won’t do jackshit," he said. "Yeah, that’s us. And that’s the part that blows my mind.”

Stewart ripped those who suggest this is one person who lost his mind rather than the product of that “gaping racial wound.”

"In South Carolina, the roads that black people drive on are named for Confederate generals who fought to keep black people from being able to drive freely on that road," he said. "The Confederate flag flies over South Carolina, and the roads are named for Confederate generals. And the white guy’s the one who feels like his country’s being taken away from him.”

Stewart didn't do any humor segments. Instead, he devoted the rest of the show to his interview with Malala Yousafzai, the teenager who won the 2014 Nobel Peace Prize.

"I don't think there's anyone else in the world I'd rather talk to tonight," he said.

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Japanese Taxis Sure Are Organized

Even when you live in Japan, it’s easy to forget how so many things are just so. Taxis are no exception.  Japan is a land of order deep down, and it is easy to see that in the world of public transportation.



In this video uploaded by PearlOscarful, you can see how cabs line up orderly at a train station and pick up fares.

Check it out:




When the taxis all shift forward in unison, it’s like when you clear a row in Tetris or something.

You Better Believe Blake Anderson Is Tired

Look, Blake Anderson from Workaholics just woke up like 5 minutes ago (hell yeah he was sleeping, it’s like six o’clock over here, Jesus Christ!) and he’s sto—I mean, very tired. You know the Warriors won the fucking championship, right?

So you’ll have to forgive him if, instead of answering a Cincinnati morning show’s questions about his new movie, he just drops an f-bomb and goes back to bed.

Hey Blake, speaking as a Cincinnati native (NATI REPRESENT) I must say that you should offer the great state of Ohio some more respect.  We have produced more astronauts and damn near more presidents than any other state (fucking Virginia).  You will come on our dumb morning show and at least try to not act high.





Anyway, I still want to see Dope, but not necessarily because you are in it.

Go see Dope tomorrow:

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

E3 HYPE: Yeezus Is In The Building

Did you know that Kanye West is walking the halls of E3, checking out games like Uncharted 4: A Thief's End and Cuphead? He totally is. Yeezy touched down to bless Sony's demo room this afternoon, and others spotted the rapper on the show floor at the Xbox booth and elsewhere earlier in the day.

We got a Yeezus sighting. #E3Mystery CONFIRMED. 


According to online accounts, Kanye tried the Minecraft HoloLens demo, which is so far one of the most incredible new Augmented Reality technologies being showcased according to just about everybody who has seen it.  Kanye also played the lovely-looking, Disney-esque Cuphead.  Which is an awesome game, that becomes more awesome when you think about Kanye playing it.  

Here watch this:



Now imagine Kanye saying, "That's AWESOME!" –See? Totally makes it better.

He also apparently cut people in line to play Halo 5: Guardians.  So there haters, there is something that you can use to continue to hate Kanye.  Enjoy your lives devoid of great music.

The best part though?  The fact that Kanye's E3 2015 badge simply says "Kanye West," which sounds about right.

This bit of news only serves to reinforce the mantra I have had for the past few days: I NEED TO GO TO E3

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

E3 HYPE: EITR's Pixels Are Looking Beautiful

Yes, the rise of Indie gaming over the past 5 years has brought some trends to video games.  Yes, there are a ridiculous amount of pixelated, or pixel art inspired games.  Many of these are good, and many more are real bad.

Yes, many people are getting downright sick of this artstyle, and you really cannot blame them.

Yes, yes, there have been plenty of games with pixels, but these pixels...these are glorious.




I’ve been following this Diablo-meets-Dark Souls mashup for a little while, wondering when they’d get around to talking about a release date, instead of teasing me with beautiful GIFs.

Thanks to E3, the week that forces everyone’s hand for the glory of marketing, it happened. Eitr, just like every other game seemingly, is coming in 2016 from the good folks at Devolver Digital.  (Who are really just on a roll right now.)

Check it out:





Here’s the game’s setup:

The Shield Maiden, as with all mortal Norsemen, was to have her fate determined by the three fate-weaving Norns and their sacred loom before she even entered the world. However, her destiny was shattered when the mischievous god Loki interfered, dripping spots of the wretched substance Eitr into the unwoven loom, forever altering the Shield Maiden’s path and engulfing the great tree Yggdrasil in darkness. Now the Shield Maiden must venture into the nine Norse worlds connected by Yggdrasil and unravel the mystery of her fate.

Here’s what that actually means:




These GIFs will have to tide me over until next year when I can finally get this thing into my Playstation 4. 

The Way Nintendo Used To Make Mario Was Awesome

Nintendo just got done with their E3 press conference, and while they announced a bunch of new games they also threw in some very interesting game development history while they were at it.

This year is the 30th anniversary of Mario in video games, and to help celebrate this fact, we got to see the way that the very first Mario game was created.  It might be a little bit different than you think...

No computers even needed.




Did you know: old-school Mario games were drawn out on graph paper by designers like Shigeru Miyamoto? It’s pretty cool!

During Nintendo’s E3 Digital Event, Miyamoto shared graphs and original design docs of older Super Mario games. It’s amazing.

You can watch Nintendo GOD Miyamotosan explain the older design process here:





Of course, doing levels this way is very time-consuming—so Nintendo had to develop digital tools to make 2D Mario levels. And that’s how Mario Maker, the upcoming ‘design your own Mario game’ was born. #themoreyouknow


Also, Nintendo, get a book of this artwork published RIGHT NOW.

Monday, June 15, 2015

E3 HYPE: Metal Gear Solid V Is All The Right Kinds of Crazy

We have seen a lot about the new Metal Gear Solid game over the several years it has been in development.  Tons of gameplay, plenty of characters, and even pooping horses.


Video Games: They are the best kind of stupid.

However, it wasn't until earlier today that we finally got to see the signature craziness that only Hideo Kojima can deliver in his flagship series.  Konami unveiled what seems like their 100th trailer for the game that will finally be in your hands this September 1st, and it was filled with what Metal Gear fans need.

That is ridiculous voiceovers condemning language(?), people rocking horns, limbs that are lost, people's skin turning into what looks like reptile scales, and did I mention ridiculous voiceovers?

Check it out, it's the best kind of insane:



Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain cannot get here soon enough.

Zoo Animals Flood Streets of Tblisi After Actual Flood

At least 12 people are dead and 24 people missing after floodwaters swept through Georgia’s capital, Tbilisi, the New York Times reports. An unknown number of animals—including lions, wolves, bears, and at least one hippo—have escaped from a zoo and are roaming the city’s ruined streets.

"Yeah, I am gonna need an extra large watch band.  Better make it XXL."


According to the Times, local television reports that a special police unit has been dispatched to the area around the zoo to hunt down the animals. Some have been killed, including six wolves found on the grounds of a children’s hospital, though it is not yet known how many.

“If an animal attacked people, it’s one thing,” zoo director Zurab Gurielidze told Russian news agency Interfax. “I know that no order was issued to kill animals. Some policemen exceeded their authority.” Officials said that the dead animals were too aggressive to be captured. An escaped hippopotamus was reportedly subdued with a tranquilizer.

Interfax reported that, so far, zoo workers have identified 20 wolves, eight lions, and several tigers and jaguars as missing. Only three of 17 penguins survived the flooding. Some parts of the zoo are still underwater.

The flooding came after heavy rains on Saturday turned what is “a usually burbling stream” in downtown Tbilisi “into a raging torrent,” the Times reports.


“It’s so surreal. Helicopters are circling overhead and they’ve warned people to stay indoors but not everyone’s doing that,” Paul Rimple, a journalist based in Tbilisi, told Al Jazeera. “People are walking around with their babies just a few blocks from where a wolf was shot in the south of the city. Apparently a jaguar was reported in the north.”

“Until somebody gets mauled or killed, no one’s going to panic.”

New life goal: Push a hippo down a flooded street.

The Associated Press reports that three zoo workers have been killed, but it is not known whether they—or the other people who have died after the river burst its banks—died in animal attacks or other flood-related accidents.


“When Communists came to us in this country, they ordered that all crosses and bells of the churches be melted down and the money used to build the zoo,” head of the Georgian Orthodox Church, Patriarch Ilia II, reportedly told a Sunday Mass.

“The sin will not go without punishment. I am very sorry that Georgians fell so that a zoo was built at the expense of destroyed churches.”

Sunday, June 14, 2015

E3 HYPE: Hey Y'all There's Another Doom Game

Doom guys.  As in the fourth Doom.  There is a Doom game.  It's a new Doom game.  It's Doom 4.  DOOOM.  FUCKING DOOOOOOM IS NIGH.

Tonight at Bethesda’s pre-E3 press conference, we got our first extended (extremely violent!) look at the new Doom, which will be out in Spring of 2016.

No god damned numbers needed.


First, we got a lengthy look at a single player battle in the game, which combines the fast-paced ultraviolence of old-school Doom with some ridiculous slow-mo kill animations. 

Next we got a sizzle reel of some multiplayer.

And then the kicker: In this Doom you can make your own levels.  This is real cool

As for everything else...

There is a Super Shotgun, it's actually called that.  At one point in the presentation the player rips a man's arm off so he can use it on a touch pad to open a door.  There are demons.  They are angry.  You fucking blow them apart.  It's DOOM. 

It looks great.

Here is a trailer, you should check it out:




Brutal.

FUNDAY: So Punk Rock

Here's the thing, people always say that things are "so punk rock."  They casually throw this term around without any idea or context of what "being punk rock" actually means.

Not leaving room for cream at Starbucks and then putting in cream anyway is not "so punk rock." Blowing your nose by closing one nostril with your finger is not "so punk rock."  Forgetting to brush your teeth, then remembering, and not doing it anyway is not "so punk rock."

So, you may ask yourself, well if all those things decidedly aren't punk rock, then what is truly punk?

This:



Never again will the term "break a leg" mean the same thing to David Grohl. That is "so punk rock."

So now, thanks to Foo Fighters, and the human equivalent of Animal from The Muppets, you will never have to wonder how to be "punk rock" again.  If you ever need to be "so punk rock" in your life, just remember this moment and you should be okay. Remember this Funday fans, you just might have to use this information sometime.

MUSIC

Vic Mensa f/Kanye West

The first time in a looooong time that the phrase "U Mad" has actually elicited a positive feeling from me.  And that feeling is an immense need to hype the fuck out!






Dances

Britpop is coming back?  It sure seems like it.  






Kranium f/Ty Dolla $ign

Sometimes people who live in temperate climates wish that they could live somewhere tropical.  Mainly when they hear some dope dancehall songs.  However, I offer an alternative way of thinking.  Having winter is great, because when summer finally does hit, and you load up that dope dancehall song, you just appreciate it so much more.






Skepta

Skepta is on his way, and if you read this series you would probably know that by now.  Thanks to some incredible singles and a cosign from none other than Yeezus himself, the British MC is on the short list of people about to blow.  However, sometimes no matter where you are in fame's grasp, you cannot be shielded from heartbreak.  Such is the case with Skepta, who lost one of his best friends recently to the same kind of environment whose inspiration made him famous.  Here is his tribute.






The Weeknd

He did it!  The man Abel Tesfaye AKA The Weeknd has been able to, after multiple albums, make a song that doesn't sound like it should be performed by The Weeknd, but Michael Jackson.  It’s an explicit stab at digital-era Off The Wall-style club-pop. But where Michael Jackson used his lost-little-kid voice to convey a kind of impossible watch-my-feet joy, Tesfaye is still in fucked-out blues mode, lamenting the soul he lost to a self-destructive relationship but finally giving some clue about how much fun that relationship had to be in the first place.






VIDEOS

Dino Expert on Dino Toys

It takes one Dr. Paul Olsen, the man brave enough to take on the fucking toy industry.  Watch him condemn them for their dinosaur sins.  It may get rough.






Owl Cafe

Well mother fuck a cat cafe!  It never fails, every single time I think Japan couldn't possibly be any more of the exact home for everything I like they go and one up themselves.  That's it.  I am going, and probably never coming back.






Rock the Kasbah

There is no possible way that this is a bad movie.  Even with Zoey Deschanel being in it.  Even that cannot possibly ruin it.






The Program

Not saying this one doesn't look good, but you just cannot name any movie "The Program."  There is already a movie with that name that rules and is also about sports.  Anyway, I wonder what the over/under is for Armstrong calling people assholes is in this movie.  I would guess it is high.






BONUS CLIP







That's it. So if between now and next Funday you break a limb, you know how to act accordingly.  See you next time.

Saturday, June 13, 2015

Toddler Hears Rage Against The Machine For The First Time And Reacts Accordingly

Here it is folks.  Undeniable proof that the familiar impulse you experience when you hear Rage Against The Machine–To tear off your shirt, drape yourself in an upside-down American flag, set that flag on fire, bust through a concrete wall head first, attach rockets to your feet, light them, and go hurtling at mach speeds toward the first inkling of injustice–is a purely biological reaction.  An innate response, like recoiling when someone puts ice on your neck, or taking a deep breath after swimming a long distance underwater.

Sleep now in the crib.


Below, watch the two-year-old son of Redditor gabew101 enter full-on, stank-faced beast mode upon hearing “Bulls on Parade” on Guitar Hero—the first time he’d had been subjected to the righteous oblivion brought on by Zack, Tom, and co., according to his dad.

His reaction, well...is to RAGE.





This kid is either going to be a rockstar or a card carrying Republican with a ton of RATM songs on his phone without any irony whatsoever.

Friday, June 12, 2015

Mad Max: Fury Road Was So Awesome It Made People Get Married

By now everyone in the world knows that Mad Max: Fury Road is incredible.  One of the best pure action movies ever made.  However, what you might not know is that it is in fact so awesome that it made two of the stunt people working on the movie fall in love.  Now that is an awesome movie.

When South African Dane Grant showed up to work as Tom Hardy'stemporary stunt double in Mad Max: Fury Road, he thought it would be just another shoot.

Clearly an environment ripe for loving.


But there in the Namibian desert between the trucks and the shiny chrome he would meet his future wife, Dayna, who was Charlize Theron's stunt double.
"I remember that first day meeting her in the stunt rehearsal gym. She stood out for all the right reasons," said 37-year-old Dane.

"Every time we get to work together is a blast, but none more so than the initial fight rehearsal," said Dane, "in the film it's the first time Max meets Furiousa and they fight it out with a sequence that fight choreographer had us training non-stop for weeks."

Hundreds of (choreographed) punches later, Dane and Dayna fell in love. Today the stunt doubles for Mad Max and Furiosa are married with a 14-month-old son.

Initially scheduled to last a month, the Mad Max shoot started filming in May 2012 and would continue until December.

Dayna, a 39-year-old native of New Zealand who has doubled for Lucy Lawless in Xena: Warrior Princess and Theron in Snow White and the Huntsman, was in the middle of a training camp in the desert when she met Dane, a South African called to work as Tom Hardy's rehearsal double.

Hardy's official double was later announced as New Zealander Jacob Tomuri, yet the relationship between Dayna and Dane, who would go on to play some white-faced "war boy" characters in the movie, continued to deepen.

"Dayna and I had a lot in common with those two characters, meeting for the first time, learning to trust each other under stressful conditions," said Dane, "pretty much just get on with what you're supposed to while on a mission through the desert with a bunch of weirdly dressed post-apocalyptic characters everywhere you look."

Thanks George Miller.  You've done it again.

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Watch The People Who Made Rock Band Pitch You Their 90's Masterpiece

Harmonix is now widely known because of its work on Guitar Hero, Rock Band, and other popular music games. But the studio didn't start making blockbuster rhythm titles. Most people had never heard of the small developer from Boston.

But the company wanted to get the word out, and so it made a pitch video. And, in my opinion, the result is about as much of a 90s-era product as anything imaginable.

Along with the sweet saxophone music, bizarre camera angles, and awesome text effects, the video showcases Harmonix's first project, an interactive music-production program called the Axe. Keep an eye out for the animation of the music. It's particularly great, and by great I mean just the kind of ridiculous that the 90's and computing could deliver so well.

The video shows the lineage of Harmonix's work, and it's easy to see how it went from the Axe to Rock Band. The studio's been trying to make creating music accessible to everyone since the very beginning.



If only Rock Band had more exploding claymation in it...

RIP Sir Christopher Lee

The only man to have been in both Star Wars and Lord of The Rings, and the one man who actually was friends with Tolkien has left us all down here with his wonderful films to remember him by.

Still agree with Tolkien. Should have been Gandalf.


Veteran actor Sir Christopher Lee, star of The Lord of the Rings films, The Wicker Man, The Man with the Golden Gun and the Star Wars prequels, has passed away at the age of 93.

The Telegraph reports he died in London’s Chelsea and Westminster Hospital on Sunday morning as a result of “respiratory problems”, having been receiving treatment there for the past three weeks.

He is survived by his wife Birgit Kroencke Lee and daughter Christina Erika Lee.

R.I.P.  Let's all go watch some movies and hear that baritone voice.

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

AOTW: Don't Ask Professional Pain Givers To Give You Some Pain

Welcome back to the Asshole of The Week, where each Friday (and sometimes Wednesday) we focus on one person, place, or thing that is the absolute worst.  This week we have an early entry that just could not wait due to it's stupidity.  Consider this a warning to try and curb some physical pain for those potential assholes out there who might not be very smart.

Hey journalists, maybe instead of trying desperately to create some fucking viral video of a person whose job it is to hurt people hurting you, you should focus on writing something good about said person.  After all, it is your perceived job if you call yourself a journalist.  That you can actually put words together in a way that people would enjoy reading.

Then again, if you constantly go around asking champion level fighters to try and hurt you, as if you are so idiotic you imagine that them hitting you would somehow not hurt, maybe you can't write anything.  Or you definitely won't be able to when you are coming out of your concussion.  Those tend to make your brain a little cloudy.

Aaron Tru is an MMA journalist and claims to have a 1-0 record in amateur fights, so you’d think he’d know better than to ask for a low kick from UFC Interim Heavyweight Champion Fabricio Werdum. The man who literally became a champion for being able to inflict pain on people who were trying their best to do the same to him.  People who were equally dangerous.  

You would think that maybe journalists who write about MMA for a living would know that the people who get paid to fuck people up would probably strong, and dangerous. Or perhaps it would be a bad idea to mess with the guy who literally has a name with "Doom" in it (phonetically).  You would think they would know that it takes training to be able to withstand being hit.  You would maybe even remember that journalists of the past were never well known for asking, say, Mike Tyson in his prime, to try and give them a shot on the chin just for funsies.

NOBODY REMEMBERS THAT HAPPENING BECAUSE THAT NEVER HAPPENED. NOBODY WAS THAT STUPID.

Unfortunately, there’s an entire genre of videos based on journalists and radio show hosts asking to get beaten up by trained athletes, so Tru sacrifices his leg to Werdum. I believe Fabricio when he tells a cringing Tru that the kick was only at 40 percent power, and it will be a 100 percent leg kick next time.

I’m pretty sure that would detach Tru’s leg from his body, presumably sending it flying into the air and through a football goalpost uprights somewhere miles away from the gym. I can only hope there’s someone around to capture video of that next time.

Check it out for the least bit of entertainment of an idiot getting exactly what he asked for.




Congratulations Aaron Tru, because you are clearly the Asshole of The Week.  Cue the 2 Chainz voice *TRUUUUUUU!!!  You got your moment,  captured forever online.  And as a bonus, maybe a leg cast so you can truly relive that moment of grace for the next few months.

If you want to see Werdum kick an actual opponent, he takes on Cain Velasquez at UFC 188 on Saturday, June 13 on PPV.

Bond Is Taking On Some Explosions In New Trailer

MGM has released the first TV spot for the upcoming 007 movie Spectre, which hits theaters in November.  And so far it looks like along with taking on his most enduring nemesis in the titluar organization, Bond will be dealing with a whole lot of awesome action.

Along with a rather snappy peacoat.  

The minute-long video, which aired last night during the NBA Finals, trades the first trailer's understated tone for the kind of full-on action that fans have come to know and expect from the series.

The first 30 seconds contains footage from the first trailer, but the second half is all new.

Car chases, people jumping off buildings, airplanes careening down a snowy mountain, a short snippet of Dave Bautista's character, and more are all on display.

And of course it ends with Bond's signature line.




Spectre opens in theaters on November 6, starring Daniel Craig as 007 and featuring Christoph Waltz as the bad guy.

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Cartoon Network Getting That Nostalgia Money: Powerpuff Girls Return

Everything old is new again, because nostalgia, ladies and gentlemen, sells.  And you can bet that sweet ass of yours that Cartoon Network is gonna get in on that goldmine.  Thus, the Powerpuff Girls are back. Kind of...

They look the same for the most part, but when Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup return to television in 2016, they may just sound a little bit different. An all new voice cast is taking over, and hope to make a new generation of youngsters (and probably more than a few older folks) fans of the three crime fighting sisters created in a laboratory.

The real question though: Will Mojo's OG voice return?


The Fosters star Amanda Leighton will be voicing Blossom, newcomer Kristen Li will voice Bubbles, Natalie Palamides will take on Buttercup. And Tom Kenny, who voiced the Narrator/Mayor in the original series, will reprise his role, the network said.

"It has been wonderful to see this new show team bring such passion and positive creative spirit to this iconic property," said Rob Sorcher, chief content officer at Cartoon Network. "We know that fans of every age will appreciate this new take on saving the world before bedtime."

The new cast announcement and first look art comes one year after Cartoon Network announced their plans to reboot the series, which ran for 78 episodes from 1998 to 2004.

The reimagined PPGirls (an abbreviation as hilarious as it is problematic) series will be executive produced by Nick Jennings, who won an Emmy for his work on Cartoon Network’s Adventure Time.  Fingers crossed that the subversion magic that wormed it's way into the original will not be lost on this one...

Now let's get down to business...when is that Dexter's Lab reboot getting made?





BMX Rider The Last To Perform At Silverdome

Up-and-coming professional BMX rider and Michigan native Tyler Fernengal will be the last professional athlete to perform inside the famed Silverdome – former home of the Detroit Lions, Wrestlemania 3 (Hulk Hogan’s epic bodyslam of Andre the Giant), Supercross and World Cup soccer games before the stadium is shut down for good just a few years ago.

Through his sponsors at Red Bull, and a team of intrepid film crew duders, the adventurous group took to the iconic venue that now lays in ruin and made some really cool footage while they were there having fun.

From the description:

I’ve been doing this shit for a long time, and this was, by far, the wildest project I’ve been a part of. The scene every day as I walked into the Silverdome was striking. Five days of a stutter step as you walked through the doors. Decay and destruction everywhere. The days were cold, long, and dragged out, but Tyler is an absolute boss. I say this with no light hand: what I witnessed was the shit that legends are made of. Cheers to Tyler for risking his life, Red Bull for making it happen, the build crew Becomeco, and the video crew headed by Ryan Taylor and Alex Horner 
Watch the video below to see Fernengel session the abandoned halls of the famous stadium that have become a stunning, modern-day backdrop of natural destruction.”

Check it out:




Gnarly