Sunday, May 31, 2015

8-bit Shawshank Just As Good As Movie

It shouldn’t come as a surprise as The Shawshank Redemption is one of the all-time great movies but this 8-bit version of the film captures a little bit of that same spirit and is fun to watch too. I guess Andy and Red’s friendship translates into any medium, even if it’s animated in a retro video game style.

17 levels of cell time, 1 level of escape.

Check it out:





For being a guy who is so checked out of the actual video game 8-bit revival...I am just a sucker for these.  

FUNDAY: Duck Tales on Beat

Game Over.




Happy Funday everybody!

MUSIC

Bonnie McKee

The whole throwback workout aesthetic is played out.  That said though, this is a better Sleigh Bells song than anything on the last Sleigh Bells album.






Twista and Do or Die

20 years has changed the landscape of Chicago rap.  The scene of today is almost unrecognizable to what it once was.  However, one thing that hasn't changed is the lightning fast old school delivery of Twista and his cohort Do or Die.  They haven't skipped a beat, pun intended.







Nicki Minaj

Can you imagine how much less fun music would be without this woman?  I bet you can.  






Diplo x CL x Riff Raff x OG Maco

This might be, no, it is the collabo of the year.  And wouldn't you know it, that the most furious rapper here is a K-pop idol.  As one-fourth of the incredible South Korean girl group 2NE1, CL is partly responsible for some of the best, weirdest, most forward-thinking mass-appeal pop music in recent memory. And now she’s breaking out the icy half-rapped snarl in English over a Diplo beat that sounds like a spaceship landing on an Atlanta strip-club roof, and she still sounds like a badass. That’s versatility! Meanwhile, OG Maco is growling in a barely-comprehensible Atlanta gravel-drawl, and Riff Raff is driving backwards through Rome in the Range Rover. 10/10.






ASAP Rocky

For the second time in two weeks Rocky continues to hype me for his album release. “Excuse Me” repurposes an early, lush track from Vulkan The Krusader called “V I Z Z E R,” a product of a college MPC 2000 session. If you listen to Vulkan’s original, though, not only does it illuminate what a sleek, clever rapper A$AP is, but it spotlights his blown-out pop sensibilities that are so often overlooked. Rocky drawls all over the fairy-wing-flit sample, bragging about his tailored garments and vacation stunting for a few verses, then expands the churning synth-tink into a misty, booming cloud of a chorus. Just like that, a two-minute throwaway track off some dude’s hard drive pulses with Lord Flacko’s couture-swag arrogance. Cloaking his most boastful sentiments in the faux-politeness of the phrase, “Excuse Me” is the kind of cunning move that catapulted Rocky over the heads of an entire class of rappers. His ability to beg, borrow, and steal from the past with unbothered dexterity is another. Pay attention.




VIDEOS

How to Dubstep

Don't worry older generations. You too can dubstep with the best of those young'uns.  Just follow these easy steps, and you'll be high out of your mind in Miami getting dehydrated and making out with a palm tree in no time!






London Strong

I mean...it's already pretty cool that they are lifting a bus to save someone, and doubly so that it is a double decker.  I don't know if us fat Americans could pull that off on a single decker, let alone one that is doubled.  Cheers.






The Archer's Paradox

Science.  Get some you dumb people.  Smarter Every Day has your back y'all.






The Temescope

This thing creates a visual representation of the weather outside.  So you don't even have to get up from your chair to find out what you are missing outside by never leaving your house.  Excellent.






Kung Fury

It's here.






BONUS CLIP







See you next week.

Friday, May 29, 2015

Someone Injected Bad Metallica Into Good Metallica And Its A Nightmare

When it comes to Metallica there are a few things that are unequivocally true. The group’s first four albums are canon, with their importance in developing the sound of ’80s thrash-metal scene impossible to question. On the flip side, there’s no debate about how abysmal St. Anger is.

They will never be cool again.

There’s no bigger case against it than the fact that Lars Ulrich found a way to make his notoriously shitty drumming even worse, by opting not to engage the snares on his snare drum for the album’s recording session. The result was a hollow ring that persisted throughout St. Anger, making the record a difficult for reasons divorced from its borderline nu-metal songwriting.

A YouTube user recently decided to challenge all the known truths of the Metallica universe by taking something good (“Master Of Puppets”), injecting something bad (the St. Anger snare tone), and letting everyone suffer. It may not be as intolerable as fully listening to the eardrum puncturing sounds of St. Anger, but it does explain why Uhlrich would go on to call that drum sound an “abortion” just a year after the album’s release.

Let's be clear though, even though it isn't as bad as St Angers levels of bullshittatude, it is still terrible.




Remember kids.  Be responsible with your shitty drum sounds.

Thursday, May 28, 2015

AOTW: Sprinkle Some Kindness On This Woman

Welcome back to the Asshole of The Week, a weekly feature where each Friday (or Thursday) we single out one person, place, or thing that is the absolute worst.  This time we have an ice cream parlor, the state of Michigan, and a woman who just cannot be happy.

Ice cream.  It is one of the best pleasures in life.  It's cool, its sweet, and it is pretty much impossible to be mad while holding an ice cream cone.  I would be confident in saying there is probably a scientific study out there that backs this notion up.

However, just like scientific studies, there always has to be an outlier.  This particular outlier is a woman who is obviously insane.  A woman so angry that even a delicious cool treat cannot do anything but fuel her burning rage for everything and everyone on the earth.

Sprinkles are a bad ice cream topping that certainly aren’t worth throwing a tantrum over. Alas, this is a lesson learned too late by the woman who was nearly arrested on Saturday in a Michigan ice cream parlor.

Does this picture make you angry?  You might be an asshole.


According to Mason County, Michigan, sheriff Kim Cole, a woman and a man walked into an ice cream store Saturday evening and ordered two ice creams. Upon receiving her order, the woman began screaming at the clerk over a perceived sprinkles slight. The tantrum was so intense that the terrified employee called 911.

“The clerk called police because the customer was upset because she didn’t have enough sprinkles,” Cole told the Muskegon Chronicle.

When the woman’s friend attempted calm her down, she allegedly tried to punch him. Both fled the store before police arrived. The clerk has decided not to press charges.

Woman, whoever you are out there...you are surely an asshole.  All that employee was there to do was bring you joy through milk and sugar, and you had to ruin it over something so stupid it is nigh unbelievable.  Congratulations, you are the Asshole of The Week.

Fuck yourself very much.

Renting A Japanese Boyfriend Is Not Cheap

Do you have a boyfriend? No? Would you like to rent one? Good news, because does Japan have a service for you. It’s not cheap.


Look lady. You want a boyfriend, I can get you a boyfriend right now.


This is “Boyfriend Rental” (彼氏レンタル or Kareshi Rentaru). Similar companion services have long existed in Japan, such as host bars. However, boyfriend rental was introduced this week onHakunetsu Live Vivid, a nationwide morning show.

Call now!

The subtitle reads, “This is the time when you can also buy a boyfriend with money.” I’m pretty sure there has always been dudes for hire, but m’okay!

According to the manager of Rental Kareshi Premium, the service offers the experience of really having a boyfriend. (Note: This isn’t the only rent-a-boyfriend service in Japan. Of course it isn’t!)

Back in 2013, Kotaku introduced a “rent-an-old-man” service, which was about ten bucks an hour. Renting these boyfriends is far more expensive. For example, this particular service has different grades. There’s “Fresh” for 5,000 yen ($40.22) an hour, “Regular” for 6,000 yen ($48.26) an hour, and “Special” for 7,000 yen ($56.31) an hour.

So who rents boyfriends?  Let's say it all out loud together...housewives.  Nearly 40% of the customers are presumably lonely housewives, and what is more is that nearly 50% of the customers are repeat service users.

To be clear, this isn't prostitution.  Rental boyfriends aren't even allowed to kiss their girlfriend of the day.  Although hand holding and hugging are permitted.

This kind of thing can get expensive! One woman whose boyfriend rental date was featured on Hakunetsu Live Vivid, spent 39,000 yen ($313.71) for the six hour rental fee.

I don't know...I would rather rent a Japanese beer pouring robot for that kind of money.  It has a ton of personality, and although terrible, still tries really hard to provide me with all I need (which is a freshly poured beer.)

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Lego First Person Shooter Is As Good As It Sounds

With all those Thomas the Tank Engine mods for popular games, it’s weird no one really went into LEGO territory yet. Andrewmfilms fills the gap with his awesomely animated clip featuring Portal 2, Counter-Strike, and Bioshock with the always cool LEGO minifigures.

Get some you block heads!


Skyrim’s there, too. Not an FPS, of course, but when it comes to modding, it has to be included.

Check it out:



Perfect.

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Earthquake Stops Rollercoaster At Worst Spot Imaginable

You know the point right before you drop on a theme park ride? Your heart is beating faster and tension is mounting, and then...whoosh. Imagine getting stuck at that point during an earthquake.

Yesterday, there was a 5.5 magnitude earthquake in Tokyo. According to the WSJ and AP, there were no immediate reports of injuries or damage. Thank goodness for that.

Oh boy.

Online, photos of people stuck on one of Tokyo Disney Sea’s most popular attractions have gone viral.
For example, the above photo, which shows the Disney Sea’s Journey to the Center of the Earth ride stopped right before the attraction’s most enjoyable drop, has been retweeted over 26,000 times.

The stuck passengers weren't injured, and spent their time taking selfies and various pictures of their new temporary home.  After all, it is 2015.  

In the end, the car was evacuated, and everybody walked down the stairs to freedom.  Not as exciting, but at least it was an option.

Monday, May 25, 2015

Shit Powered Bus Stinks It's Way To Landspeed Record

The UK’s poop-powered bus is officially one fast son-of-a-bitch. As reported Friday by Ars Technica, the bus recently hit a top speed of 76.8 miles per hour at the Millbrook Proving Ground in Bedfordshire—a record for a regular service bus.

Sure must stink in that chase car...


“It was an impressive sight as it swept by on the track,” chief engineer John Bickerton told the BBC. “It sounded like a Vulcan bomber.”





The “Bus Hound” (name inspired by the British Bloodhound supersonic car) runs on biomethane produced by the anaerobic digestion of cow poo in a bioreactor. The methane is compressed, liquified and stored in a series of tanks fixed to the inside of the bus’s roof. Naturally, the bus is painted black and white to look like a Friesian cow.

Now, those of us who have any familiarity with the Speed movies have clearly seen faster buses. Even outside the realm of 90s action-flicks, to be recognized as a Guinness World Record, the bus would have to reach speeds of above 150 miles per hour, according to the BBC. But compared to its oil-eating counterparts, which typically max out around 56 miles per hour, the poo-bus isn’t looking too shabby. Despite sounding like the end of days.

The next step, of course, will be to race the Bus Hound against the UK’s human poop-powered bus, and learn once and for all whose shit packs more punch.

Nintendo Wii Blamed For Man's House Burning Down

I knew Nintendo, underneath it all, was up to no good.

Fire investigators in Colorado Springs think that a Wii console is the likely cause of a fire inside a RV home this week, local NBC news channel KOAA 5 reports.

The homeowner Trevor Pellegrin told KOAA 5 that he was not at home when the fire started. Pellegrin said that the fire also had nothing to do with the Wii wires, and that it started inside of the actual console.

Melted Wii. Sounds like a sex move.


A spokesperson for the Colorado Springs Fire Department told KOAA 5 that all other possible sources of ignition were ruled out.

The fire melted Pellegrin's TV, his Wii, and some of his clothes, and while his roof suffered "extensive smoke damage," it seems his home survived the incident.

In the comments section to the KOAA 5 website, Pellegrin says that he got in touch with a Nintendo representative, but the he was located in the United Kingdom, so he was redirected to Nintendo of America.

One of the images from KKTVO 11 News video segment about the fire shows that Pellegrin also owns an Xbox 360, which appears to have survived the fire unscathed.

Sunday, May 24, 2015

Animal Brains Found On Ground

Hey, did you recently throw nine animal (maybe dog) brains off a moving train? If so, please return to Gouverneur, New York, which has your maybe dog brains, The NY Daily Newsreports.

According to Syracuse.com, police found the mysterious brains near a railroad crossing on Wednesday, taking one to a local veterinarian who identified it as possibly belonging to a beagle.

Gross.

“It had been professionally removed and preserved … it was in very good condition,” said Dr. Timothy Monroe told North Country Now. “You have to appreciate when you remove a brain from a skull, which is made of bone, you have to cut the bone all the way around. This had not been damaged, or nicked, or cut in its removal.”

As the brains had been preserved in formaldehyde for research, authorities believe no crime was committed other than littering.

“It’s nothing to be really concerned about, other than somebody polluted a particular street in our community,” said Sgt. Gordon Ayen.

As of Thursday, seven of the brains remained in the road, WNYF reports.

FUNDAY: No Time For Words

Look.  Gonna be honest with you.  Too many awesome things happened this week for me to waste your time with any dub words.

(Also, I have too many sports to watch to have worked on any sort of intro for this week.)

So instead, here is a picture of Ghostface Killah wearing an American flag:



Enjoy your week.

MUSIC

ASAP Rocky

I am gonna go a little arrogant here and say that I always knew this guy was special, and now it seems on album number two he is really about to do some interesting stuff.  The latest single from his album sees Rocky both directing the video and singing for about 75% of the duration.  The results?  AMAZING.  Both visually and sonically this is unlike anything he has ever done before, and guess what...it's still awesome. My hype for this album might surpass any other release from this year.






Lieutenant

If more non-parody Black Metal videos were like this, I would listen to much more Black Metal. I mean, I already listen to a bunch of Black Metal, but I would just listen to more.





Taylor Swift f/Kendrick Lamar

Yep.  Taylor finally got to me to.  I don't want to say it was entirely the fact that Kendrick is there too, but it is mostly for that reason.  But hey, consider me a convert now.  You did it world, you beat me.  I have succumbed to the Swift.





The Mountain Goats

Professional wrestling makes everything better.  Also, Chavo Guerro, a god amongst men. 





VIDEOS

Mario Kart: Fury Road

What makes the best pure action movie of the last 20 years better?  Some Italian plumbers throwing banana peels at each other in a post-apocalyptic wasteland.






Justin Bieber Carpool

Look, you probably already made up your mind on this guy, but I beseech you, give him another shot.  He is a human being after all, and like most human beings, he isn't all bad.  This video just might make you really like the guy.  Well, if you have a shred of empathy in your black heart...If anything you gotta appreciate those Rubik's Cube skills.





Bloodsport Mentos

Bloodsport.  The gift that just keeps on giving.





Motorcycle Surfing

When the waves aren't hitting you gotta surf something.  






Evolution of the Bikini

Well, I am not gonna make any excuses about this one and why it is included.  We all know why. So just enjoy it.  






BONUS CLIP







See you next week.






Friday, May 22, 2015

AOTW: 17-Year-Old Confirmed Asshole

Welcome back to the Asshole of The Week.  A feature where each Friday we single out one person, place, or thing that is the absolute worst.  This week we have possibly the biggest asshole to have ever come out of Canada.  Get ready to hate a teenager, who really deserves it.

A 17-year-old in British Columbia, Canada—that’s him above—plead guilty to 23 cases of extortion, public mischief and criminal harassment. What does that mean, exactly? He’s terrifying.

Tri-City News has been following the case, in which the teenager recently admitted to a dozen other charges. It’s one of the few times a swatter has actually been forced to face the music, and when you read about what he’s pleading guilty to, you’ll be shocked it didn’t happen sooner.

Here are some of the things that this little shitbag did to people:

The teen, who went under the same social media user or name (or a variation of it), would also retaliate by posting a target’s parents’ dates of birth, and social insurance and credit card numbers on the web, and had pizza which they had not ordered delivered to their home.

It especially escalated with women, according to The Province, another paper covering the case.


The teen found his targets — who were gamers and mostly female — online. When they would not acknowledge friend and follow requests or send him things that he wanted, such as photos, he would harass them and their families.

At the heart of the case against him was the story of his obsession with a female student at the University of Tucson. When she turned him down, he flipped out, as Tri-City News puts it:

On Sept. 16, 2014, after she repeatedly rejected him, the teen called the Tucson police to prompt a swat of her home, claiming he had shot his parents with an AR15 rifle, had bombs and would kill the police if he saw any marked vehicles.

Days later, he swatted her mother, too. Then, he put the credit card info of the family online, distributed their social security numbers, hacked into the girl’s Twitter and email accounts, and tried to cancel the family’s home utilities. It ultimately destroyed the family’s credit rating.

These weren’t the only people he tormented, and it eventually caught up with him, thanks to his obsession with sharing his attacks publicly online. (Then again, the reason he was sharing it in the first place is because it’s almost impossible to get convicted. It’s why people keep doing it.)

Even wilder, he was responsible for temporarily shutting down Space Mountain at Disneyland last year, netting him counts of harassment, extortion, uttering threats, breach of recognizance, and seven separate counts of mischief.


How’d he react as his case was laid out for friends, family, victims, and the court? Did you guess asshole?  You are correct madam/sir!

Wearing a sweatsuit, no shoes and shackles on his ankles, the teen smirked but showed little emotion during the proceeding, though often flipped his hair, drummed his fingers on his knees or pumped his leg quickly.

Enjoy your fucking jail cell you entitled, misogynistic little bastard.  You are clearly the Asshole of The Week, congratulations you win a jail cell.

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Well This Is An Interesting Hobby

Meet Tomoyuki Shioya. The 32 year-old spends his days at a corporate job. In his free time, he enjoys his hobby: Taking photos in those head-in-a-hole boards. To date, he has over two thousand photos of them. They are fantastic.

As you can see...

He’s always on the look out for a new entry in his collection. “I can never tell where I may find one,” Shioya recently told The Japan Times. He travels around Tokyo and the rest of Japan, looking for cut-out holes to pose with.
What makes Shioya’s photo so wonderful isn’t just the silly boards, but his deadpan expression.

“People think it’s just a comic foreground and hit the shutter in a carefree manner,” he said. “But I want my photos taken with care.”

His Twitter account—which is truly fantastic—is always filled with his latest head-in-a-hole board pic. So far, he’s shown in his photos in magazines, appeared in newspapers, and is working on a photobook. He even judges a local cut-out board competition in Hokkaido.


Don't see what the point is though, because he just wins.

But surely, after all these years and all those photos, he must get bored with this hobby?
“There are numerous comic foregrounds in Japan. You can find all kinds of settings and designs,” he said. “I never get tired of them.”
So glad he doesn't get bored, because I don't think I ever will of seeing his photos.

Below, you can see an array of photos from Shioya’s Twitter page. If you like them, do follow him!

All Your Dreams Have Come True Because There Is Going To Be A Nintendo Theme Park

Universal Studios Theme Park will always find itself playing catch-up with Disney’s parks, no matter which way you slice it. Disneyland in California has 9 years on Universal Hollywood, and Universal Orlando is about as old as we are, opening in 1990. Despite having arguably more badass rides and themes, like The Wizarding World of Harry Potter, Marvel Comics superheroes, Jurassic Park, and an entire recreation of Springfield from The Simpsons, they’ll never be able to compete with “It’s A Small World” and the fucking Teacups.

Insert you next to Mario.

After all, what could be more iconic than that lovable, high-pitched mouse? An Italian Plumber with a red hat, badass mustache and a penchant for stomping out motherfucking turtles, that’s who.

Nintendo announced today that they’ll be taking their talents to Orlando (and Hollywood, Japan, Singapore and future properties), bringing their timeless games and beloved characters to Universal theme parks. Feel that pit in your stomach? That’s your 10-year-old self’s balls dropping in excitement.

“The immersive experiences will include major attractions at Universal’s theme parks and will feature Nintendo’s most famous characters and games,” stated an official release.

Now, this isn’t going to be a straight-up standalone Nintendo theme park, at least not at first. Universal said they’ll create “spectacular, dedicated experiences based on Nintendo’s wildly popular games, characters and worlds.” So, what that sounds like to me is a dedicated “Nintendo Island” at Universal Orlando’s “Islands of Adventure,” at least.

If I had to venture a guess as to where they’ll put this, and just putting on my speculation hat, this could serve as a replacement for Universal’s “Marvel Super Hero Island,” which has been rumored to be closing since the Walt Disney Company bought Marvel in 2009. The two sides are rumored to be in ongoing talks, which makes sense considering as Marvel attractions exist at every Disney park except for Disney World, and Disney can’t even use the word “Marvel” to promote Marvel-themed events at Disney World. Replacing Marvel with Nintendo would certainly soften the blow for Universal and could be a win for both sides.

Either way, I can’t wait to see what they come up with. Maybe a Mario Kart roller coaster? A Squirtle-themed water slide? A Star Fox or Metroid-themed shooter ride? A 3D Zelda adventure? An "It's A Small World" ride but with Pokemon?  Pikmin Parades? The possibilities are nigh endless.

Shut up and take my money, Nintendo and Universal. Just shut up and take my money.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Wyoming Diabetic Saved By Bone Thug And All Is Right In The World

Well this is the best headline.  Ohio represent.

A Wyoming man who had a diabetic emergency while driving this weekend found an unlikely savior in famed Cleveland harmonizer Layzie Bone, who came to the man’s aid and successfully revived him using chocolate and fruit, The NY Daily News reports.

"Hey, it's the first of the month...so grab your insulin and come on..."

“We thought he was a drunk doing 60mph when he spun out of control and did a complete 180 degrees,” wrote the Bone Thugs-N-Harmony rapper—who was then on his way to a show in Riverton, Wyoming—on Facebook Saturday. “Turns out after we stopped to check on him he was having a diabetic shock.”

Though the man was disoriented, the Bone Thug was able to use his celebrity to help the man regain his senses.

“He didn’t know who anybody was,” Layzie later told K2TV, “so I said, ‘Do you know Bone Thugs-N-Harmony?’And he kinda woke up. He was like, ‘Yeah.’”

Layzie then offered the man snacks, including apples and oranges, and the diabetic was able to normalize his blood sugar, but the rapper insists he’s not a hero.


“I’m not doing this interview to be no type of hero,” he told the station. “I’m not that person. I genuinely care about people.”

Now for some Bone Thugs puns I just have to get out:

You won't see that man at "The Crossroads."

Just take, "Take Him Home."  Because he won't remember.

(Layzie) "Tried So Hard" to save that man's life.

Thank you, I needed to get those out.

Bill Murray Talks To David Letterman For The Last Time

Well, it is really happening.  David Letterman is on his way out, as last night he aired his penultimate episode.  For the guest though, he continued his week of heavy hitters as he welcomed the very first guest he and Paul had ever talked to: Bill Murray.

Being the living legend that he is, Murray decided to enter and make one more memorable moment for the other legend who invited him.  Like everything the man does, it went pretty well. He decided to take a literal "sweet" approach to Dave's departure and take a page out of the bachelor party playbook and pops out of a cake reading “Good Bye, Dave” on the side:


There's a man inside that.

I’m not sure if the trip and fall is part of the entrance, but he makes the best of it in typical Bill Murray fashion.

Then, he makes sure everybody in the band and audience gets a taste of cake.  

Along with sharing the cake on himself with everyone, the interview rolled out in typical Bill Murray style.  It featured a sizzle reel of his best appearances, a hilarious plugging (and chugging) of Slovenia vodka, and a conclusion fit for the legend.  Bill took to the streets to take up America's cause to keep Dave where he is.



It was everything you could have wanted in a goodbye from Bill God Damned Murray.  And tonight we all get to say goodbye to Dave.  Don't miss the end of an era.

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Greatness Calls As The Nintendo World Championships Return

It took them a couple decades and some change, but Nintendo has decided to resurrect an old but classic relic in their bag of tricks.  Think you are real good at playing Mario Bros. you filthy Millennial?  Well put your thumbs where your damn mouth is, because the Nintendo World Championships are back baby.  And this time they brought their sweet logo artwork straight out of the motherfucking 80's.

Tell me you couldn't replace the "2015" with "1987" and have it not work.


The Nintendo World Championships return this year after a 25-year hiatus, and you can earn yourself a spot in the finals. On May 30, you can compete in one of eight locations to win a trip to Los Angeles to compete in the final field of sixteen players.

Qualifiers will take place at the following Best Buy locations from 10 a.m. until 7 p.m. local time on May 30.

1717 Harrison St.
San Francisco, CA

3675 Pacific Coast Highway
Torrance, CA

10760 NW 17th St.
Miami, FL

900 E. Golf Road
Schaumburg, IL

12905 Elm Creek Blvd. N
Maple Grove, MN

5001 Northern Blvd.
Long Island City, NY

9378 N. Central Expressway
Dallas, TX

2214 S. 48th St.
Tacoma, WA

The competition will involve the championship mode from Ultimate NES Remix, with score challenges culled from Super Mario Bros., Super Mario Bros. 3, and Dr. Mario. You can practice at home before the event with a copy of the Wii U game.

In addition to the top scorer from each location, Nintendo will be selecting eight additional competitors for the finals. The Los Angeles event will include multiple rounds.

So get yourself a Wii U, if you even know what that is, and start stretching those thumbs.  Greatness calls America.  Don't let the world take us down.

The Nintendo World Championships will be held on June 14 at the Nokia Theatre during the Electronics Entertainment Expo.

Monday, May 18, 2015

New DOOM Gets 10 Second Teaser And Oh My God It's Happening

We may have already known about it, and it had to be shown eventually, but today is the day that Bethesda (the company who years ago purchased the legendary Id Software, and thus DOOM) has decided to give us just a taste.  Just a tantalizing taste of one of the most iconic series of all time that is coming back to rear it's head at this year's Electronic Entertainment Expo.

As a (massive) fan of the series, I can only say one thing: 


OH MY GOD IT IS HAPPENING. 

After a lengthy absence, Doom resurfaced in February 2014, with publisher Bethesda revealing that access to the Doom beta would be given to those that pre-order Wolfenstein: The New Order.

Although a version of Doom 4 existed, that edition was scrapped and the project was rebooted.

"An earlier version of Doom 4 did not exhibit the quality and excitement that id and Bethesda intend to deliver and that Doom fans worldwide expect," said Bethesda's Pete Hines said in February last year.

"As a result, id refocused its efforts on a new version of Doom 4 that promises to meet the very high expectations everyone has for this game and this franchise. When we're ready to talk about the Doom 4 id is making, we will let folks know."



Looks like they are about to be ready come June 14th.

Bethesda is hosting its own press conference at E3 2014. Along with the Doom reveal teased in this video, there has been fervent speculation that Fallout 4 will be shown for the first time too. This has not been officially confirmed by Bethesda, however.

Rumours of Fallout 4 development have been circulating for a number of years and in April 2013, Bethesda confirmed the Skyrim development team is moving onto its next big project, further intensifying speculation that a Fallout 4 announcement is impending.

Finally We Know What Happened To Huell From Breaking Bad

There are many great unexplained mysteries in the universe. What is the meaning of human life? What does the Voynich Manuscript say? Why hasn’t anyone made a movie titled The Hunt for Rad October about a bitchin’ skateboarder named October Shreddz who gets kidnapped right before the X Games and has to be rescued by the other members of his team in time for the half pipe competition? And so on.

One mystery we can cross off the list, however, is what exactly happened to Huell from Breaking Bad.




From an interview with Vince Gilligan in the recently released official Breaking Bad book:

Is Huell still waiting for someone to come back for him? 
Yes, sadly he’s waiting morosely on that sofa, looking like a lost puppy… [Laughs] No. It’s likely that Agent Van Oster keeps in touch with DEA headquarters. So when he learns Gomez and Hank have gone missing, he would in short order tell his superiors what they were up to. Within a matter of hours, really not that many in story time, Huell will be taken back to HQ. They’ll question him, find out what he knows — which isn’t much — and he’ll be let out on the street. Right now, he’s doing what Huell does best, whatever that is. He’s out and about as a free man.

Good for Huell. Let’s all just pretend he and Jesse opened a "wacky" bakery in Portland or something. That would be nice.

Swedish Man Scares Angry Bear, Has Giant Balls

Bears.  They are scary as hell.  They are big, fast, and will kill the fuck out of you given the chance.  Or at least maim you to the point you'd wish they'd finished the job.  They are nature's duality.  Cute and cuddly from afar, but up close you are in trouble.

That's why it is pretty amazing what happened to one Swedish man who happens to be the guy who flipped the script and scared the hell out of a bear.

Of all the things one might do if one were walking through the woods and came upon a bear, one of the more counterintuitive* options would be to yell at it. And yet, here we are, watching a video of a man do just that. What a world!





According to TheLocal.se, Ralph Persson was out training a new hunting dog with his wife when they startled a bear.

“I screamed as much as I could and made myself very big,” he told Sundsvall Tidning,a Swedish-language newspaper. “I have seen in the past how even cranes have chased bears by folding up their wings.”

The Scandinavian brown bear is usually very shy. “Most bear experts agree that many more bears have seen humans in Sweden than humans have seen bears,” TheLocal.se reports.

Once the bear saw the size of his balls, it knew it was time to retreat.

Persson admits that he might have been more careful. “This time, I went over the limit. You have to have respect for the animals,” he said.

And yet: “To lie down and play dead? I do not believe in that," says the world's most ballsiest man.

Sunday, May 17, 2015

FUNDAY: Take A Left Onto Fury Road

I am gonna take the time this Funday to make an important PSA: You need to go see Mad Max: Fury Road.  I cannot be more insistent.





Mad Max is the most incredible feminist action movie ever, starring arguably the most badass woman ever depicted on film. Never before has my heart beat so fast while sitting down. Hours later and I cannot get it out of my head. 

Every time you think "well, that was absolutely insane and could not get any more crazy" it grabs your shirt, slaps your face, pulls you close and screams "OH YEAH?!! WELL LOOK AT THIS?!" This goes on almost nonstop for two hours. IF I am able to sleep tonight, my dreams will be of gasoline, octane, flames, sand, leather, and explosions. It took one 70 year old man 15 years, but he has now shown us all what (almost) every single action movie of the past 20 years has been doing wrong...which is EVERYTHING. 

There is a fight scene in this movie that involves two men chained together (one of whom is a bald, pasty, branded cult member who worships hotrods and Valhalla), a car door, a pregnant woman, a water hose, and a very angry Charlize Theron with a mechanical arm. This is the most tame thing in the whole runtime.

MUSIC

Post Malone

This has been out for a couple months now, but it took until now for it to have a video, albeit an "unofficial one."  It may not be sanctioned by Malone, but this thing is pretty great, and also it gives me an excuse to post my prediction of what the summer jam of 2015 is gonna be. Well, if you are cool. So here you go.






Hudson Mohawke

HudMo stays releasing BANGERZ, and this is no exception.






Run the Jewels

RTJ puts out a serious visual for one of their most serious songs, and like everything they do, it's excellent.  Right in time also for the buzz about "Run the Jewels 3" that apparently will be coming soon.  It is a good time to be a fan of good music.






Popcaan

Speaking of good music, this guy just refuses to put out a bad song.  How this guy isn't a massive crossover star on par with Sean Paul's heydays just baffles me.  I guess it is just a matter of time though, but even if he never makes it to that level...I know he will stay being my favorite pocket artist to get people hip to.






Vince Staples

Has there ever been a music video where the final shot reveal is this riveting? Days after watching this one it still stings.






VIDEOS

Eating Everything on White Castle's Menu

This is a bad idea.  Gonna go out on a limb here and say this is a bad idea.






TWRP

God damnit Internet! If you are gonna make a pixel movie that is so fucking awesome as this one, you should have to make a real video game to accompany it.  Why can't I play this?  The world is not fair.






The Suitsy

This has to be one of the greatest inventions in the history of mankind.






GTA V Breaking Bad

Now that you can edit your own video clips, GTA has become almost more of a medium than a video game.






BONUS CLIP






See you next week you suckas.

Friday, May 15, 2015

Rick and Morty Kill The Simpsons In Their Couch Gag Debut

A meeting of worlds is going to happen on The Simpsons when the worlds of the greatest animated show ever, meet the young guns of one of the current funniest, who then kill them.

With the latest news of the untimely exit of Harry Shearer, it seems all the more fitting that some Simpsons characters die, only none of these family members won't be coming back next year.  Which we sadly cannot say for Mr. Burns, Ned Flanders, Dr. Hibbert, and the list goes on and on...

However, let's focus on the funny, and boy does this couch gag deliver in the most hilariously gruesome way possible.


Oh no!


What happens when alcoholic mad scientist Rick and his grandson/sidekick Morty invade The Simpsons season finale? Well, first they manage to kill the whole family in the couch gag, meaning that the pair then have to scramble to put the whole lot of them back together.






This is the couch gag for the May 17th season finale, which will air at 8pm on Fox. The characters from Dan Harmon and Justin Roiland’s Adult Swim show Rick and Morty. Even the press release is announcing the couch gag crossover is pretty darn amusing:
“This couch gag plays like a full-fledged mini-episode,” said The Simpsons creator and executive producer Matt Groening. “It’s going to be a real treat for fans of The Simpsons, fans of Rick and Morty, and fans of animated belching.” 
“We are honored and blown away to be a part of The Simpsons,” said Rick and Morty co-creator and executive producer Justin Roiland. “If I could go back in time and tell myself that this would happen, I’d be like ‘No way, Jose!’ I simply can’t believe it. I think we might all be living in some kind of massive computer simulation to be honest. Look up simulation theory. That would explain how this happened.”
That's it. It’s canon now: Rick’s spit has invaded the Simpsons’ universe. And as for the dynamic duo of ridiculousness that is Rick and Morty. We’ll get to see more of these two and their scifi shenanigans on July 26th on Adult Swim.

Thursday, May 14, 2015

Not Excellent: Harry Shearer Has Been Fired From The Simpsons

Harry Shearer, the actor who has been the voices of a number of characters on The Simpsons since the show premiered on Fox in 1989, tweeted Wednesday night that he has been fired from the show. He wrote on Twitter that he received notice from a lawyer of James L. Brooks, The Simpsons’ co-creator, that the “show will go on, Harry will not be a part of it.”

This isn't just some small part of the show not returning.  This is saying goodbye to Reverend Lovejoy, Kent Brockman, Dr. Hibbert, Otto, Principal Skinner, Mr. Burns, and God Blessed Ned Flanders.

How can there even be a show after that?

Never before has the word "D'oh!" been more appropriate.


In a second tweet, Shearer wrote that he wanted “the freedom to do other work,” and that was the cause of the dispute.

Shearer has been the voice of over a dozen Simpsons characters. If it’s true that he won’t be with the show going forward, it’s unclear when his voice will no longer be heard given the long lead time between when the animated series is made and when it airs. Earlier this month, Fox renewed the still popular Simpsons for two more seasons. In September, it will begin its 27th season.

This isn’t the first time the relationship between Simpsons actors and the show’s management has been acrimonious. In 2011, a group of core Simpsons performers demanded a slice of its lucrative backend: money that comes not from salaries, but from merchandising and syndication. They ended up losing that battle. Shearer was the public voice of that disagreement.

Representatives at Fox and for Shearer did not immediately respond to a request for comment.

As a person who still watches The Simpsons and the only person I know who still enjoys it, this is a sad fucking day.

Representation of me right now.

Guess it is time to go buy some donuts and beer and wallow in this until I pass out.  It's what Homer would want....


Pac-Man is Getting Old

Waka waka waka (translation: Happy birthday Pac-Man)

One of gaming's most beloved characters is turning 35 this month, so in between making his house mortgage payments, and inventorying his various collections of frut, Pac-Man needs to have a birthday party.  After all, he is perhaps the essential video game character of all time so it makes sense Namco is marking the occasion with an official birthday bash later this month.

Level 257, Namco's recently opened dining and entertainment venue inspired by Pac-Man and his generation of arcade games will play host to the event.

Waka waka to you!


The festivities are set to take place on Friday, May 22 and Saturday, May 23. Toru Iwatani, lead of the original Pac-Man game, will be holding a panel for fans, followed by a meet and greet, at 11:30 a.m. on Saturday Also on the panel will be well-known arcade talent and personality Billy Mitchell who was featured in the acclaimed documentary The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters. Mitchell, who was the first ever person to achieve a perfect score in the original Pac-Man, will also be holding a "Battle Billy Mitchell" tournament during the festivities. Walter Day, founder of Twin Galaxies, will also be on hand, as will other special guests.

Starting at 2 p.m. on Friday, fans can head to Level 257 and enjoy free bowling, table tennis, air hockey, and classic games, a DJ, and live performances of "Pac-Man Fever" by Jerry Buckner of Buckner & Garcia. Admission to the event is free, but Level 257 is also offering VIP tickets at $35 each which include a special private reception, a "meet and mingle" with industry VIPs, a swag package, and birthday cake. If you're interested in attending the birthday bash, you can purchase tickets here.

Suggestion: Some sort of oversized fruit should be present or you can forget my attendance.

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Run Zombie Fans Because 28 Months Later Just Might Be Happening

Looks like some more (running) zombies are coming for your big screen.

There’s been various chatter over the years regarding a new 28 film to round out the trilogy started with 28 Days then 28 Weeks Later. Recently Indiewire caught up with Ex Machina (a movie you should go see right now) director Alex Garland to get the scoop on the possible third film.

...and scary...


According to the site Garland says a third picture is moving forward with Andrew McDonald, the producer of the first two 28 films and a producer on all of his movies thus far and many of original Danny Boyle’s films (including the intended Trainspotting sequel).

“About two years ago, Danny started collaborating on the potential to make ‘Trainspotting 2,’ another sequel,” says Garland. “In that conversation, an idea for ’28 Months’ arrived. I had a funny idea. I had a sort of weird idea that popped into my head. Partly because of a trip I’d taken. I had this thought, and I suggested it to Andrew and Danny, but I also said I don’t want to work on it. I don’t really want to play a role, and Andrew said, ‘Leave it to me.’ So he’s gone off and is working on it.“ 
Garland continues, “The rights to ‘28 Days’ were frozen, effectively, because they were shared between Danny [Boyle], [producer] Andrew [McDonald], myself, and Fox. After the second one, none of us really wanted to do another. Fox may or may not have, I don’t know.”
If you are a fan of the first two movies, and you should be because they are both awesome, this is exciting news.  Garland is an excellent director, and if you need proof of that, go see his latest film Ex Machina.  Until then though, let's all speculate on who will be running away screaming this time. 

Is That Brock Lesnar In The New Assassin's Creed Game? (Yes)

Hm, what have we here?

While watching yesterday's yearly Ubisoft announcement of the new Assassin’s Creed: Syndicate reveal, someone spotted something interesting: a brief shot of a muscular man tank who definitely appears to be Brock Lesnar. As in the human terminator.  The man built to cause pain, whether fake (in wrestling) or for really real (in the UFC).  He also has another power, the ability to travel back in time to Victorian London in 1868 and do what he does best: wreck house.

Let’s do a quick comparison. 

Here’s the Assassin’s Creed shot, which appears to be art, not in-game (you can find it at 21:05 of this recording of the reveal stream): (he's the guy blasting the other with a shovel inside of the 1800's battle royal ring)

Is that...?


And here’s the real Brock Lesnar’s rippling back, which could destroy you and all you love with a single, volcanic shrug:

No one else has tattoos this stupid. (Please don't kill me.)


That is his exact tattoo, and the haircut seems to match as well. In fact, I would venture to say that no other man on earth looks so perfectly like a giant barbarian baby-man who could tear a hole in your throat by looking in your general direction. So it is probably him.

So then, what’s the deal? Is Brock Lesnar gonna be in Assassin’s Creed: Syndicate? No idea, though I wouldn’t jump to conclusions just yet—or jump at all, because that is how you get F-5'ed so hard that you wake up being resuscitated by mole people.

This could very well be a piece of art that used Lesnar’s likeness for reference alone, which would mean it likely made it into the reveal because someone didn’t notice. Or it could be a little easter egg, albeit a slightly illegal one if Ubisoft didn’t get big ol’ Brock’s permission. If that’s the case, I bet Brock Lesnar and Felice Herrig will make fast friends. Or it could be a hint of things to come, in which case I already feel bad for new assassin Jacob (and/or his enemies).

The most likely explanation, though, is definitely reference art thing, given that a close examination of the dude Lesnar is walloping reveals him to be none other than former UFC heavyweight champion Frank Mir (note the general build and the arm and stomach tattoos). Odds are, an artist took a shot of one of their fights and then Assassin’s Creed-ified it.

As of writing, Ubisoft had yet to respond, so at this point we can only speculate. Still though, Brock Lesnar bringing his brand of MMA-infused wrestling toAssassin’s Creed? In the very unlikely event that it happens, I’m down.

Now let’s just get Daniel Bryan and Seth Rollins and The Rock and The Undertaker and Triple-H (I guess) and makeAssassin’s Creed: Syndicate into a Victorian wrestling game. Set on a pirate ship.

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

One Man, Two Controllers, and Two Mega Man Games Is Pretty Cool

How many Mega Man games have you beaten? Without any cheats or Game Genie codes? My sum total is about 10, which is I guess an okay record, considering there’s about 500 Mega Man titles out there. Maybe not. Mega Man games aren’t for the weak of heart, and they definitely don’t require any extra handicapping.

Well, don’t tell that to YouTuber and Mega Man master AuraPuffs. Just for laughs, he decided to beat both Mega Man X and Mega Man X2 at the same time, with the same controller. Even more impressively, he does it with no help. No emulator tricks, no save states, no video manipulation.

Even thinking about doing something like this makes my head hurt. Basically, the guy makes some clever use of cutscenes, so he can get ahead in one game while the other is essentially “paused,” but there’s still plenty of spots where he somehow makes the same jumps and moves work in two completely separate games. And I’ve now officially thought about this too much. Time to go lay down.

Check it out:





Mega cool.

Jean-Claude Van Damme Has Won Late Night Television

The Muscles From Brussels still has it ladies and gentlemen.  The truth is, he never lost it.  After all, if you are responsible for such classics as The Quest, Lionheart, Hard Target, and Universal Soldier, you just don't turn it off.

This is the man who is so great that he even made the same movie twice and they were both amazing.  Clearly I am talking about the action movie one-two punch that is so wonderful that you absolutely cannot watch both back-to-back (mainly because they are indecipherable from one another) without your face melting off.  I am talking of course about Bloodsport, and Kickboxer.

The latter of the two came up (as it should if anyone interviewed JCVD) last night on Conan when The GOD Van Damme appeared on the show, and specifically the most famous (if you're me) or infamous scene:  The wonderful piece of cinema gold that is the "bar dance scene."

Conan, as he is a smart man, is a fan as well.  And he had the foresight to ask the legend to recreate that magic movie moment live.  JCVD being the benevolent ass-kicker that he is, obliged him, and thus we have the best late night television moment of all time.

Brace yourself for greatness:





Hold on fellas, do you hear that?  That sound is Van Damme coming to steal yo girl.

Although he is only wearing jeans and a shirt, and not that wonderful overall, tank-top, clipped up onesie-khaki combo it is still just as good as it was over 25 years ago.  Still got those hilarious amazing moves.  And by the way, don't ask about the splits.  You don't get those for free.  Those cost the price of a movie ticket, and it is a steal for that amount.

Side note: Those guys sitting next to Conan's band always looked up to no good.  It was only a matter of time before they tried something.

This is a treasure of our times, and we should all be grateful.  Who else can unironically rock a hat with their own initials on it and still own the room in 2015.  One man.  And you are looking at him.

I leave you with some words of wisdom to reflect on, as only JCVD can deliver.



Go forth and own my friends.  Go forth and roundhouse kick.

Monday, May 11, 2015

America Loves Moms But Not Nearly Enough

John Oliver used his Mother’s Day episode of Last Week Tonight to point out that, although American companies and lawmakers love to be seen celebrating moms, their appreciation doesn’t extend to giving women paid time off after giving birth. The U.S. and Papua New Guineaare the only countries without any guarantee of paid family leave.

Unpaid leave has been available since 1993 (for those who can afford to take it), but even that faced opposition for being “anti-business.” This regressive approach has led to women burning all their sick days and vacation days, running up credit card bills while they take unpaid time off, and even leaving babies in the hospital while they go back to work for a few days.

Check it out:




But we do give moms free tchotchkes at baseball games one day a year, so at least we’ve got that going for us. Happy Mother’s Day!


The World's Highest Selfie Will Make You Lightheaded

Those damn Russians are at it again.

If you’re afraid of heights, you’re probably going to hate this video. Vitaliy Raskalov and Vadim Makhorov are two photographers who are better known as OnTheRoofs. The duo are known for climbing tall buildings and taking pictures, and if their masked visages look familiar — you may remember the video of the duo climbing the Shanghai Tower last year.

Apparently, the guys wanted a bigger challenge, so they decided to tackle the second-tallest building on earth: the Shenzhen Centre in China. While the structure is still under construction (it will open in 2016) and it will stand at 2,165 feet (or 66o meters, if you prefer the metric system) once completed.

Raskalov and Makhorov sneak onto the site, work their way up before deciding to fall asleep for the night, then make it to the top of the tower the next day. The two decided that the best way to celebrate the occasion was to bust out a selfie stick and take a picture that shows just how high up they are. I mean this in the nicest, most impressed way possible: these dudes are insane.

Check it out:





My hands are sweaty.

I'll go ahead and say it right now:  If there was ever a duo that deserved to take a selfie this is the duo.  They should be the only people in the world who have a selfie of themselves.

(Via On The Roofs)

Sunday, May 10, 2015

FUNDAY: Shaq Attacks The Floor

Internet, I love you...





So much. So very much.

REAL TALK TIME:

You know what else I love?  My mother.  She's gone though.  And today on the day where we honor the women who changed their whole lives so that we could be around, I don't have her to hug.

So go hug your damn mom, and don't ever let her forget how much she means to you.  One day she just won't be around anymore.

Love you Deborah Kay Blaine.  You were the best.  You still are.

Okay Funday time now though, let's go.


MUSIC

ASAP Rocky

Rocky on a track with Miguel with features from Rod Stewart?! Move over McCartney and Yeezy.






BEA1991

Straight lounging.






Twin Shadow

Using 90's VHS video effects to make my man TS look like a god damned superhero.  I am for it.  I am wholly for it.






Miguel

This man could make the corniest lyrics seem super profound and meaningful all damn day.  If that isn't an example of a masterful musician, then I have no idea what is.







VIDEOS

30 for 30 Seconds

Too short to be missed, we finally get the real story of LeBron's hairline, right from the inanimate object that knows him the most: The Headband.






Underwater Tea Party

Too bad this thing is a little...dead.  I hate myself.






Eating Like The Rock

Sean Evans is an Average Joe, but that's not going to stop him from trying to eat like the 270lbs. behemoth that is Dwayne Johnson.  That means 10lbs. of food in one day.  Join him on the journey.






Love for Pigeons

Give them a break will ya?  People used to love these guys.  Including Darwin and BF Skinner.  They were war heroes, and aquatic rescuers.  Bow down to the pigeon, and give them some bread crumbs at least.






Life With Smartphones

Prepare for the horrible future because that future is now.






BONUS CLIP





Say hello to your mother for me.

Friday, May 8, 2015

AOTW: Premium Flour Means Something Else To Drug Dealing Pizza Joint

Welcome back to the Asshole of The Week. A series where each Friday we single out one person, place, or thing from the week that is the absolute worst.

This time we have a hell of an establishment, where you can order everything your body needs. Be it delicious filling pizza, or pure as the driven snow cocaine.

People may have been drawn to Queen’s highly-rated Cucino a Modo Mio pizzeria for the fresh cassava but they stayed for the hundreds of pounds of sweet, fresh cocaine, cops say.

"I'd like the premium ingredients please..."  "Anchovies?"  *sigh* "No. I meant the cocaine."

At least 16 people were arrested in a major bust in March and charged today in federal court in what authorities are describing as a family business run out of the kitchen of the family business.

Perhaps assuming no one would know what cassava is—I’m still unsure, it appears to be some sort of tuber?—the family repeatedly hid kilos of coke inside the produce boxes. Which begs the question—why not hide it in the flour? Seems a little less obvious. I don’t know, just some food for thought.

Via the New York Times:
After putting a wiretap on the phone of the pizzeria, Cucino a Modo Mio, agents searched shipments of the cassava bound for the Gigliottis’ wholesale-produce warehouse. In October 2014, they found 40 kilograms of cocaine inside cardboard boxes of cassava, and in December, they found an additional 15 kilograms inside the boxes. 
Some of that cocaine was headed for Italy, according to a news release from the United States attorney for the Eastern District of New York, where there was a “narcotics distribution ring allegedly operating in Calabria on behalf of the U.S. defendants.”
Ah, the old import/export game eh?  What a damn cliche.  At first we thought you were cool pizza and cocaine slanging joint, but then you just had to be like every other gangster movie.  For that, congratulations, you are clearly the Asshole of The Week.

The restaurant, which had maintained an impressive 4.5 star rating despite the shenanigans in the back, is now CLOSED according to Yelp. Which even though NY pizza can be delicious, has gotta be the drugs right?  I don't know any other way you can get such a high Yelp.

Lotta cocaine in the news lately.

Grandma Finds Free Bag of Cocaine In Granola

Every now and then things go your way. You find money on the sidewalk. You accidentally get a side of fries with your order at no charge. Your subway train arrives right away. And sometimes you really luck out and discover a free bag of high quality cocaine hidden inside your granola bar.


Just like that time I got two extra free chicken nuggets!

In March, San Antonio resident Cynthia Rodriguez unwrapped a Nature Valley granola bar and allegedly discovered a bag filled with white powder inside. Assuming she’d won some sort of prize, Rodriguez called the granola company. A confused rep told her to contact her local police department, which the dutiful grandmother—not realizing the value of her find—promptly did.
KENS 5 reports that San Antonio police tested the powder for traces of heroin and had no luck. Then they tested it for cocaine.
“He tried for cocaine and they both looked at each other and he goes, ‘Oh my goodness, its high quality cocaine,’” Rodriguez told KENS 5. 

Sgt. Javier Salazar quickly confiscated the drugs and booked them as evidence. “We’re not sure if this was something added on purpose or if it was something that may have fallen out of someone’s pocket on the assembly line,” Salazar said.
General Mills, the company that owns Nature Valley, issued a statement saying they were “confident” the bag of drugs didn’t come from their factory, in part because of how quickly the bars move along its assembly lines.

Although perhaps one employee was very cross after checking their pockets when the shift was over...
Rodriguez, for her part, is just thankful one of her 11 grandchildren didn’t open the granola bar. “What if they thought it was sugar?” Rodriguez said.
Well, that would have been hilarious. Talk about a sugar rush!