Thursday, April 30, 2015

Amy Schumer Continues To Be Good At Music Videos

One of Amy Schumer’s greatest strengths is the cutting joke about how everything in popular culture conspires to control women by convincing them that they’re basically undesirable shambling mountains of ham in human clothes, and even successful, attractive women with their own goddamn TV shows aren’t immune.

Last night, she took a knife to the boy bands—your One Directions, 5 Seconds of Summers, and other number-noun combinations—who croon about the perfect, “natural” female beauty that can only be achieved through an hour putting on your face in the morning. It’s that whole “You don’t know you’re beautiful, which is great because it means you’re insecure and work really hard to be attractive to us, and that’s what makes you beautifuuuul!” thing.

“Girl, You Don’t Need Makeup” is the pop music version of last season’s brilliant sketch about all the trivial nitpicks magazines use to make women feel inadequate. That one started with Amy getting ready to meet a guy for sex, and ended with her hiding under the bed after even anasshole reshaping wasn’t enough to meet the glossies’ impossible standards.






Between this and Schumer’s season-opening booty jam “This Is Where My Poop Comes Out” (feat. Amber Rose and Method Man), it’s becoming clear that she’s really fucking good at music videos. More like this, please.

Tortoise Becomes Rad Animal Hybrid Thanks To An Accident

After losing her legs in a tragic rat attack, a Welsh tortoise was transformed into a living math book doodle this month thanks to a set of prosthetic wheels that are fly as hell, the BBC dopely reports.

“She can get a good speed up,” Mrs. T’s owner Jude Ryder told the broadcaster, “much faster than before,” which is, like, so goddamn slick.

According to Ryder’s son Dale, Mrs. T is about 90 years old, making her both the freshest and the oldest skateboard-reptile hybrid in the world.




Now somebody get to work on making a stylish pair of tiny sunglasses, and paint the words "Too Radical" on her shell and we will really have something.

Bet that fucking rat is jealous.  It should be.

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Obama Thanks Japan For Anime And Becomes Cool President

Say what you will about President Obama, but there might just never be another president that is as with the times as him.  Case in motherfucking point coming right up:




Do you think Jeb Bush could tell you what an otaku is?  Or how many Sailor Scouts there are? I would bet money that John McCain thinks an emoji is some sort of Taiwanese export.

What anime could you see Obama watching? Kill la Kill? Sailor Moon? Swimming Anime?
I bet he loves Cowboy Bebop. “Spike is my dude,” - Obama (probably.)

The reason that I’m speculating about this is because Mashable has a clip of President Obama thanking Japan for things he thinks young people are fond of—like emoji. Hilarious!

I’m glad Obama said this. Now you nerds can all tell people to lay off whenever they make fun of your body pillows. “Obama’s got my back,” you’ll say. That’ll show em.

Then I’ll pull this.

Thanks Obama.  You are truly the Cool President.


Tuesday, April 28, 2015

AOTW: So Dumb He Got Kicked Out of Kindergarten

Welcome back to the Asshole of The Week, where every Friday (and sometimes Tuesday) we single out one person, place, or thing's story from the week that just is the absolute worst. This week, we just cannot wait until Friday with one man's jingoistic idiocy. A man so stupid, and assholish, that he gets himself kicked out of a children's performance venue. A venue for a kindergarten concert.

Yep.

What’s the best venue for your self-righteous, nativist ravings? If you answered “my 6-year-old’s school concert, of course,” then congratulations, fuckwit, everyone hates you.




On Thursday, just such a fuckwit was booted from a kindergarten performance in Perry, Iowa after loudly chanting, “English only, USA!” when the event’s Spanish interpreter began to speak. The audience’s reaction, which you can watch above, was immediate and unanimous.

“Uggggggh,” agreed everybody as school staff hauled the dope away.

“‘Murrrica!” one concertgoer added.

Yep.

There are still people out there like this.  And they are still so fucking stupid that they cannot realize that an interpreter for the people in the audience who speak Spanish is there for that.

Let's all hope that whoever this man is, he isn't a father, merely some relative of a child whose unfortunate future we should all weep for.

Anyway man who remains a nameless piece of idiotic shit, congratulations because you are easily the Asshole of The Week.  Fuck yourself very much.


Big Ole Freight Train Gets Blown Right Over

A freight train passing through New Orleans was no match for a powerful storm in what was at once a potentially dangerous accident and also a terrific metaphor for a country song.

OH BOY. Not where a train should be.


As the train rolled across the Huey P. Long Bridge at a reported 4 mph, strong gusts of wind blew at least four cars off the track, sending them crashing onto the ground.

“Due to the severe weather this morning, four Union Pacific Railroad railcars derailed and dropped off the east bank approach to the Huey P. Long Bridge,” Jeff Davis, New Orleans Public Belt general manager said in a statement. “The rail cars were empty and did not contain any hazardous materials. No leaks and no injuries are reported at this time.”

Just a nice, dependable country freight train who proved no match for the whims of a wild hurricane.




The song practically writes itself

Monday, April 27, 2015

Massive Whale Terrorizes GTA Citizens

Usually the mayhem of Grand Theft Auto comes from a more land based source, except for this time.  The oceans have opened up, and released a terror upon the good people of San Andreas...a terror, with fins.

And a smile on it's face!

Since Grand Theft Auto V was released for PC two weeks ago, fans have created all manner of unique and impressive mods for the open-world game, despite it not even officially supporting them. The latest mod comes from YouTube user Merfish, and it's quite different from anything we've seen before.

Watch as a massive whale escapes from the ocean and wreaks havoc on Los Santos. It interrupts traffic, crashes into helicopters, and invades pool parties. "Truly a majestic creature," Merfish writes.

Check it out:




Looking for more exciting GTA V mods? Check out this one where a killer kitty exchanges gunfire with police and then escapes in an SUV.

GTA V has shipped 45 million copies to date across Xbox 360, Xbox One, PlayStation 3, and PlayStation 4. That figure is expected to grow thanks to the arrival of the PC version earlier this month.

ESPN Broadcasts Video Games And We Made It Y'all

Yo son, we hit the big times.  Watch as we move into an era where everybody knows about and likes video games.  It's gonna be great.

Tonight on ESPN 2, sports fans across the world were treated not to the NBA playoffs or the burgeoning baseball season, but to live footage of college students playing Heroes of the Storm.


Never before have video games and basketball scores been so intertwined.

Yep, thanks to a partnership with Blizzard, the flashy MOBA—or Multiplayer Online Battle Arena, a genre that also includes the world’s most popular game, League of Legends—got a solid 2+ hours of air time on national television, complete with a live audience and professional eSports commentators. While Kevin Harlan and Reggie Miller called the Rockets/Mavericks game on TNT, Artosis and Day9 called the Heroes of the Storm game on ESPN 2. (Of course, this isn’t the first time ESPN has aired video game tournaments; Dota 2 made it to national TV last year.)

Still though, shit is crazy.

Partly because the stakes are very real—this is part of a Blizzard-sponsored tournament called Heroes of the Dorm, and the winning team will snag themselves full scholarships for the rest of their time in college.

As you might expect, a whole lot of people flipped out over all this. Reactions to the tournament—which, thanks to the nature of MOBAs, was rather inaccessible to people not familiar with the game—were incredible, ranging from salty to hilarious. “ESPN 2” trended on Twitter for a few hours, too, and scanning through the reactions is really entertaining. Because this is ridiculous.

As for the tweets, here is the best one:

Too cold.

Sorry bae.

Shout out to all those video game fans though, we major now.

Sunday, April 26, 2015

FUNDAY: Waka For Prez

Did you have a Bryan Price kind of week?




Well don't sweat it ladies and gentlemen, because Funday is here to cheer you up.

Whether it's your favorite rapper running for president, or your former favorite actor coming back to his prime.  We have it all, and it's all here.

So enjoy yourself, you have earned it.

MUSIC

Dr. Yen Lo

There is one word for this one: Heavy.  As if the NYC spitter rapping over a John Carpenter-like beat while being hypnotized didn't already convey that.






Moaning

Is there ever a music video where the band tears apart a house that isn't good?  No, no there is not.  Oh, and the song rules too.






Ed Schrader's Music Beat

You know how you are doing your power-punk band right?  If your music videos are more than half of their length composed of a skit, and you still have time to fit a song in the back third.  That's how you know.  Ed Schrader's Music Beat is doing it right.






Yelawolf f/Eminem

I really want Yelawolf to succeed.  He is like a Bubba Sparxxx for the new millennium.  A rapper form Alabama who can really rap, and makes music that is often true to his unique roots while still being able to be really incredible on a straight rap vibe.  Go buy his album would you?






Killer Mike

Nothing in this world better than one half of Run The Jewels sharing Woooos! with the Diamond Ring Wearing, Limousine Riding God Ric Flair.  Seriously.








VIDEOS

Waka For President

Waka Flocka Flame, everybody's favorite rapper who says he isn't a rapper, is running for president.  His platforms?  Well, weed is involved.  Also, he has some good points, like why can't the Prez just wear a tank top and some flip flops to the cabinet meetings.  One thing is for sure though, Hillary is his only competition.





Black Mass Trailer

Well hello Johnny Depp from 20 years ago!  You seemed to somehow remember that you could be a really great method actor, and didn't need to be in shit like pretty much every movie you have made in the last decade.  The man who inspired the mother fucking Departed is getting his own biopic, and boy does it look furious.  Whitey Bulger lived an unbelievable life of violence, and now we get to re-live it through Black Mass.  Cannot wait.






9 Tips To Save Your Life

Get off that ass for one.






Nostalgic for Nostalgia

Let's all take a trip back and remember the times when we used to remember the old times.




BONUS CLIP






See you next week you rascals.

Saturday, April 25, 2015

Here Is Jared Leto As The Joker And I'm Sorry

Yesterday director David Ayer gave us the first look at his upcoming comic book movie Suicide Squad, in which the US government recruits various supervillains of the DC Comics universe to go on impossible missions as expendable assets.

One of these members is the very own Clown Prince of Crime, The Joker, who is this time being played by none other than Jared Leto.  The man who will try to fit the very large shoes left over by the late great Heath Ledger.  And now we know what he will look like...



Oh boy.

The ridiculous tattoos, the grill, the...oh Jesus. This character looks like someone who is way out of touch was tasked to make The Joker look edgy, and here is our result.  It's almost like the people making this movie are unable to create the insanity of Joker through things like writing and you know, character development, so instead they have to show the audience the most ridiculous on the nose character design.  See?  He is crazy because he has all those "Ha ha ha" tattoos! Get it?!

See, here is the thing about The Joker that this movie seemingly already has no clue about.  He looks ridiculous already with his green hair and red lips, walking around in a purple suit.  That is the point.  The thing that makes him so unhinged, so scary, is when you find out that despite how much he looks like a clown he is incredibly dangerous and unstable.  This is because you see this side through his actions.  Sure he looks and laughs like a fool, then he beats Robin to death with a crowbar, and you realize that this man is not to be trifled with.

Putting a "damaged" tattoo on his forehead, and covering him literally in his own catchphrase is kinda missing the point.  Or they are just going with a master class in the aforementioned notion, and this Joker is really gonna be a fucking uncontrollable madman...we will have to wait and see I guess.

Anyway, let's see what the Internet thinks:






Oh boy.

Friday, April 24, 2015

Happy Birthday YouTube

Yesterday was the birthday of the best website ever created.  The website that has arguably changed our society completely as we know it, made hundreds of people famous, and given you more memes than you can even remember is one year older.  One more year full of video game walkthroughs, people telling you about their day, and pointless instructional videos that could have been much easier consumed as a terse paragraph.

That's right ladies and gents, YouTube is getting old.  Well, older than you may have realized at least.

Yep, the website you have probably already visited at least 20 times today is old enough to be a quite precocious child.  One full decade to be more specific.

To celebrate their achievement, YouTube took it back, to the beginning.  Is it a cat video?  An instructional clip on how to fold your shirt?  The ubiquitous Trololo song?  Nope.  It's just a 19 second clip about elephants featuring a man who is now very rich.





A decade ago on Thursday YouTube made history when its co-founder Jawed Karim uploaded the site's first video.

The video-sharing site, which now boasts over a billion users, has risen to fame from small beginnings after Karim posted the 19-second clip on elephants and their "really, really long trunks."

YouTube debuted publicly days after that first upload and has since gone from strength to strength, with users from across the globe posting a reported 300 hours of new video every minute of the day (International Business Times), including music clips, cartoons, exercise manuals and movies.

YouTube was sold to Google in 2006 for $1.65 billion.

According to Tubefilter, YouTube will mark the occasion with a month-long 10th birthday bash starting next week, ahead of its annual Brandcast, with creators including Tyler Oakley, Lilly "Superwoman" Singh, Dude Perfect and The Slow Mo Guys expected to attend.

You may just be young enough to know what at least one of those aforementioned people is.  If so, good on you.  If not, then you are getting old too.

Anyways, happy birthday YouTube, you sure are great.  As for you Jawed, I hope with all your money you bought yourself an actual elephant.

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Chris Rock Has Some Things To Say About Baseball

You are supposed to get wiser with every year, but Chris Rock has become wiser beyond infinitely many.

Rock turned up for Bryant Gumbel's HBO chat show Real Sports to talk about baseball, and he had some things to say.  Specifically what is going on with the game and people who are black.

Not only has the comedian remained relevant, but Rock has remained brilliant. This latest interview turned-in for HBO Sports is no different than the ahead-of-the-curve takes Rock provides on a consistent basis.

If you have just seven minutes for enlightenment, I promise this video is worth your time.

Check it out:




You hear that baseball?  Let's get some change.

Man Gets Blue Screen of Death And Deals Death To Computer Via Bullets

Oh, don’t tell me you’ve never wanted to do the same thing.  If only you had access to a firearm and a casual disregard for the law of the land...

Well one man did.  He took his slow computer and said, "NO MORE," cocked his handgun, started dumping, and terminated that bitch with extreme prejudice.

Coincidentally this is also how Hillary Clinton got rid of her emails.


The LA Times reports (via Daily Dot) that Colorado man Lucas Hinch has been given a citation by local cops after taking his PC—which had been giving him blue screens—outside and literally executing it, pumping eight rounds into the side of the computer with his 9mm handgun.

The police logs say Hinch “was fed up with fighting his computer for the last several months.” If you were wondering if it was worth it, he told the LA Times “It was glorious. Angels sung on high.”

I bet they did.




Sending all those electronics on the streets a message.  Better act right and come correct, or the last thing you'll hear are the shells falling.

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Amy Schumer's Sketch About Rapist Football Players Was Perfect

Amy Schumer's excellent Inside Amy Schumer is back for a second season, and she is already hitting the ground running jokes-wise.

The joke here doesn’t need to be deeply explained, does it? The show pulled off a clever Friday Night Lights parody last night in which the archetypal conflict between coach and town involved allowing the high school football players to rape. The laughs don’t come at the expense of the victims, which is why this is really, really funny, even if there’s a hint of sad reality in it.

Killing it.

It's great, funny, and just the right bit of controversial to make you think about serious things after you laugh.  So in other words, pretty much perfect comedy.  

Check it out:





My favorite part, where she drinks from the glass then does the dance that the wife from the real FNL does.  Pitch perfect.

Go Back In Time And Kill Everyone Or Don't In 'Garbage Day'

Garbage Day is an upcoming Steam hopeful inspired by the film Groundhog Day and, of course the meme of this infamously godawful bit from Silent Night, Deadly Night 2. Think Groundhog Day’s time loop, except set in an open-world video game. And this, apparently, isn’t just any open world. It’s designed to be hyper-interactive, down to every last in-game computer and cereal box.

This part is especially enticing:

“In this game you have to explore and interact to find out how to get out of the time loop. You are open to do anything you want, kill innocent people, go to work, watch tv, go to the park, etc. I don’t want to spoil anything, but you’ll be surprised how open ended this game is.”

Slowly but surely, you learn more about the inner workings of your endless space-time hamster bubble, and that influences interactions you can have with NPCs and the game world.





So basically, there are tons of possibilities, and you’re free to fuck around with each of them as you see fit. Go to work, hang out, try to fix your busted computer, chat with neighbors, etc. Still though, I can’t help but wonder if, through the ancient art of GIFs, the game’s creator is trying to tell us something, give us a clue about a way we can play the game:


Blow up shit.  Yep, sure is a video game.

Garbage Day will be out in a few months. It looks super interesting, if you ask me. What will you try to do first? Me, I’m going to go fully peacebul, because I’m not A SHEEP who does everything some dumb guy writing a blog on the Internet posting GIFs tells me to.

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Shit Goes Down In Mortal Kombat X

For a game full of brutalities, people getting their various body parts cut off/burned/eaten by swarms of insects,  and other various gruesome deaths, Mortal Kombat X still managed to surprise me last weekend with one specific scene. You wanna see it, right?

(Spoilers for an early chapter of Mortal Kombat X follows!)
Those of you playing Mortal Kombat X know that there’s a civil war going on in the Outworld, and it’s all thanks to Mileena. You eventually find out where Mileena is, and Earthrealm forces mount an attack on her. She is captured, and then this happens:




So what I am saying here is, you should probably see the story on this thing...

Here Is Some Rad Artwork Of Some Rad Gals

It's time once again people, for your semi-regular highlight of a rad artist doing his/her thing.  This week we have a dude who is keen on creating badass women who are as interesting as they are cool.

Check it out:




Andy Fisher is an artist who has done work for companies like EA, Dark Horse, Intel and Code Monkeys, along with some comic and illustration stuff as well.

You can see more of Andy’s work at his personal site.








Monday, April 20, 2015

Agoraphobic Grandma Leaves House And Immediately Falls Into Manhole

After nearly a decade indoors, agoraphobic grandmother Janet Faal had finally worked up the courage to leave her home and brave the world outside. Her reward? Two black eyes, a broken leg, and a fall down an open manhole. 

Well, I guess I'll never leave this manhole now.


Apparently, Janet’s debilitating fear of open spaces had kept her from leaving her home all but twice in a span of 10 years, but she was finally beginning to conquer her fears. Then, on a recent excursion with a friend as part of her rehabilitation, Janet went to move a wooden pallet blocking the car’s path. Unfortunately, Janet never looked to see what the pallet was covering, and accidentally stepped straight into the now-open manhole. As Janet told The Daily Mail:


I took a step over - never in my life did I think there was a hole underneath, I thought it had just fallen over. The next thing I remember is the pain. It was awful.
 
I fell and smashed my face on the pallet, and I was in the hole with blood all over me and I couldn’t move.’

Janet believes the incident has set her agoraphobia recovery process back years—and even fears she may never leave her home again. Which is understandable considering she had to “wait in agony” for almost an hour before the paramedics arrived.

On the one hand, Janet’s at least lucky to be alive, considering that people have died in similar incidents before. On the other—damn, Janet. 

Let that be a lesson to us all.  Embrace the technology that is making us drift apart as a species and never leave your house again.


Watch John Oliver Explain Bullshit Patent Law

Patent trolls, companies that buy up patents and file frivolous legal claims rather than creating any products or ideas of their own, account for 2/3 of U.S. patent lawsuits. The system is supposed to reward and protect innovation—how did it end up serving a bunch of useless bullies instead? John Oliver explains.

The basic history of the problem goes something like this: When the software industry first started booming, the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office didn’t have the resources or knowledge to keep up with it, and ended up granting patents that may have seemed narrow enough at the time, but ended up describing all kinds of future inventions that no one would have anticipated.

To wit: Some of these patents technically apply to every mobile phone app. Seems great for the future of software development!

As a result, companies as big as Apple, Samsung, and Microsoft have found themselves in court in plaintiff-friendly East Texas, where fully a quarter of patent troll suits are filed. As Oliver points out, Samsung even built an ice rink outside the Marshall, Texas courthouse to build goodwill with potential jurors. An outdoor ice rink. In Texas. That’s how absurd this has gotten.

And that’s what happens to the companies that have money to fight the trolls. A typical suit costs $2-5 million to defend, so smaller businesses that haven’t actually done anything wrong are often better off paying a six-figure settlement than going to trial. (That’s why 90% of patent troll cases are settled.)

So, how do we fix this? It’s not really clear—legislation that would help a little bit, by making the trolls pay court costs when they lose, and reveal more about who they are instead of hiding behind intellectual property shell companies, died without a vote in the Senate a couple of years ago.

It’s up for consideration again, but those changes wouldn’t fix the overarching problem: a bunch of valuable intellectual property held by people who didn’t invent it and don’t intend to use it to create new products. And it seems like even John Oliver doesn’t have a way to stop them.

Check it out anyway though, at least he is funny:




Sigh.

Sunday, April 19, 2015

FUNDAY: That's Too Many Bees

Did you have a bad week?  Were things not going your way?  Enjoying that much needed weekend?

You know Funday guys and gals, things could always be worse.  You could be tasked with delivering millions of bees via truck, and then this happens:

So...about the bees...they're everywhere now.


So keep that head up.  And make sure if someone needs you to transport their bees, just say no thank you.

Let's get into it shall we?

MUSIC

John Carpenter 

If you are a person that's cool, you would now that Tha God John Carpenter has been scoring the awesome movies he's made for decades now.  Finally though, he has decided to just make an album.  Surprise, it's awesome too.






Ty Dolla $ign f/ Charli XCX & Tinashe

The resident R&B, pussy, and music video killer Ty Dolla has come at your face with probably his most pop attempt (and thusly least explicit, which is a shame) song yet.  It not only features my future wife Charli, but the other most delightful R&B singer out there who can cut a rug: that would be Ms. Tinashe.  If all that isn't enough for you then know this: it also features dancers with VERY fluffy cat heads in place of their regular ones.  I know, you're sold.






Snoop Dogg

Snoop is by now music royalty, and damn if every time he puts out a new song it doesn't make me happy.  This time he has chosen to employ his Doggfather/pimp persona for a pitch perfect grindhouse movie tribute. There isn't a person alive who lived through the 90's that doesn't enjoy this Snoop.  It also features the other Snoop, you know, the one from The Wire, so that's awesome as well.






Donnie Trumpet & The Social Experiment

This is just plain delightful.  Chance is the kind of guy who makes you happy that you love music.






Brand New

I am currently playing a recently released Mortal Kombat game, and there is a brand new Brand New (kill me) song out.  What year is it?!






VIDEOS

Dope Trailer

There is just no way this movie isn't good.






Batman V Superman Trailer

There should be no way this movie isn't good.






Star Wars: The Force Awakens Trailer

There cannot be a way where this movie isn't good. (It has been a good week for movie trailers)






Star Wars: Battlefront

This week was the annual Star Wars Celebration, and given that we have new Star Wars movies on the way it seemed a fitting spot for the premiere Star Wars video game to make an appearance.  Things, as you will see below, went over well.






Sizzler 1991 Promo

Sizzler is life.  Sizzler is America.  Do you see now where we went oh so wrong?!






BONUS CLIP







See you next week.

Friday, April 17, 2015

AOTW: Real Life (ESPN) Mean Girl

Weldome back to the Asshole of The Week, where each and every Friday we single out one person, place, or thing that is the absolute worst.  This week we have a real life mean girl, whose entitlement and air of personal superiority leads only to her embarrassment and inevitable suspension of employment.

When a person trains to be a journalist, one of the first really important things they learn (other than what a hed and deck are) is how to conduct themselves.  Journalists are expected to at all times carry themselves with the utmost display of ethics and morals, because in their careers a reputation is the backbone of credibility.  Without this, their career is over.

And although you will see that she makes it very clear she has a degree from a university, Britt McHenry must have missed that day in class.


Cameras don't stop rude people.

A video has popped up on LiveLeak of a woman who appears to be ESPN reporter Britt McHenry dressing down a towing company employee, making fun of the woman’s features, and using the “do you know who I am?” argument.

It’s unclear what exactly made the woman who looks like McHenry so mad, but she is furious. At one point, she looks directly at the security camera. Some select quotes, pretty much made up of the kind of things you might not be able to believe came from an actual real person and not a teen movie villain:

“I’m in the news sweetheart, I will fucking sue this place.”

“So I could be a college dropout and do the same thing?”

“I’m on television and you’re in a fucking trailer, honey.”

“Lose some weight, baby girl.”

When asked for comment, a spokesperson for ESPN said, “We are aware of a recent exchange between Britt McHenry and a towing company employee. We are now reviewing the matter with her.”




McHenry then gave her own comment a half hour later:

In an intense and stressful moment, I allowed my emotions to get the best of me and said some insulting and regrettable things. As frustrated as I was, I should always choose to be respectful and take the high road. I am so sorry for my actions and will learn from this mistake.

Then, another half hour later, ESPN, known for suspending the fuck out of their employees when they do or say something dumb, suspended her ass for one week.

Sure, she didn't fabricate any stories, or say something racist, but she did compose herself in the manor of a huge asshole.  Which allows her to get back on television soon.  However, Britt, we will all remember that when we are hear about Peyton Manning's arm for the next 15 weeks, it will be from an asshole's mouth that we hear it.

Enjoy sitting on your couch Ms. McHenry, because this week you are easily the Asshole of The Week. Perhaps you could use this time to take a quick refresher on The Golden Rule, since they also skipped that in your education.  Fuck yourself.

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Skywalker Returns In The Star Wars Trailer You Wanted

Well, freeze me in carbonite until December, because I am excited about Star Wars again!

This new trailer has the goods, and we are talking silver Stormtroopers, cool spaceships, stuff blowing up, and a couple of (old) familiar faces.  Han and Luke, and I guess Chewy too are all back.  Do wookies get grey hairs?

The best part though?  Reminding you that my namesake (I am a Luke too) Luke Skywalker is pretty damn cool as well after Return of The Jedi.  Here he is at his most cool in years, and you don't even see his face.  Just an excellent voiceover, that may imply some sort of new addition to the Skywalker clan?

Exciting news!

Anyway, here it is — the second teaser trailer for Star Wars Episode VII. In which Luke Skywalker monologues about his family, and its powerful connection to the Force. And we glimpse how much things have changed since Return of the Jedi.





That moment where Han Solo says, "Chewy, we're home"? All the feels.

Man Blows Up Car But Definitely Gets Rid of Bedbugs

Forget ISIS and teens—They come out of nowhere, silently invade your home, and attack you while you sleep.  The greatest threat facing our everyday lives are bedbugs.

You've probably woke up at some point after only reading about them, and their notoriously steele resolve to drink your blood, sure that you were under attack.

As someone who is a bedbug survivor himself, just acknowledging the word bedbug makes my skin crawl. So I don't know that I could say I wouldn't make the same mistake that a desperate man made this week.

Got 'em!


Via the New York Daily News, Scott Kemery was reportedly trying to kill a colony of bedbugs when he dumped a bottle of alcohol out in the backseat of his car.

Apparently satisfied with a job well done, he lit a victory cigarette and, in the process, exploded the whole damn thing.

He was reportedly able to flee the burning car on his own but suffered first- and second-degree burns in the process.

But all's well ends well—pretty safe guess he doesn't have bedbugs anymore!

Well done Scott.

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Did Dennis Quaid Lose His Mind On Set? (Yes)

If this video is to be believed — and in 2015, the skepticism cup runneth over — Dennis Quaid has a serious anger problem. Allegedly taken during the filming of an unnamed movie, the succinctly-named “DENNIS QUAID FREAK OUT” shows Quaid as he “freaks out and storms off set.”





Basically, he goes full Randy Quaid. If you can’t watch the short clip due to its NSFW audio, here’s a taste of the monologue:


“I am acting here, and this dickhead wanders onto my set … Don’t f*cking Dennis me … I’m a pro, this is the most unprofessional set I have ever been on! … This is horsesh*t! … I’ve got these f*cking zombies over here that I have to look at, I have a bunch of p*ssies staring at me … Blow me!”

In his defense, if you've never left a room whilst yelling "BLOW ME!" to someone, you should really try it at least one time.

Long gone are the days when we believed videos like this to be real, so even if this tantrum is genuine, Quaid will largely be safe from scorn. Personally, it feels good that Quaid gets to let it all out after watching a whole movie of him getting shit on by everybody (looking at you Any Given Sunday)

The conversation will be almost entirely about whether the video is a Kimmel-y prank. And for once, I actually hope that it is: Not only would it mean Quaid isn’t a total psycho, it would also mean he’s capable of acting the hell out of a grade-A freakout.

Casting directors, make sure you keep an eye on this one.

Regardless, we all get something out of it fake or not.  We get the excellent new insult that we all get to use.  Now go on out there and call everybody you see Dopey the Dick.  Thanks God Quaid.

Kanye West Ends His Own Show In The Best Way

Kanye was recently in Armenia, where he decided to do a show.  This show ended up being cancelled because of something Kanye did.  Stop right there though, because it was awesome.

This because:

  1. The show in question was a free show to anyone and everyone that wanted to come
  2. He ended the show by getting so into his performance he literally jumped into a lake (presumably to cool the furious flames of his killer stage show)

Cool.


Because he's Kanye West, the rapper decided to take an impromptu dip in the famous lake during his performance of "Good Life."

The problem? His fans took that as an invitation to join him. West had to be rescued by security guards, who waded into the lake to help him out.




Police were ultimately forced to shut down the concert entirely.

"Crazy night! Kanye wakes me up & says he's doing a free concert in Yerevan, Armenia! I throw on sweats & we go!" Kardashian Tweeted, adding: "Thousands of people were there! Kanye jumped in swan lake to be closer to the crowd on the other side & so many people jumped in too!"

"Such an exciting crazy night!" she wrote. "So happy I got to rock out with everyone in Armenia on our last night here!!!!"

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Plane Lands After Screams Emanate From Cargo Hold

After less than 10 minutes in the air, an Alaska Airlines flight was forced to make an emergency landing on Monday when a napping baggage handler woke up in the plane's cargo hold and began banging and screaming.




In an official statement, the airline confirmed that the L.A.-bound flight returned to Seattle when the pilot "reported hearing banging from beneath the aircraft" immediately after takeoff. According to KIRO-TV reporter Alison Grande, passengers also heard screaming.

Upon landing, an airport employee walked out of the plane's pressurized and temperature-controlled front cargo hold, reportedly telling authorities "he had fallen asleep." The man was then taken to a local hospital as a precaution and released shortly afterward.

Alaska Airlines says they are "actively investigating" the incident.

Armadillo Blamed For Man Shooting Mother-In-Law

Credulous authorities say a dead armadillo is responsible for a bizarre accidental shooting in Georgia after a bullet allegedly ricocheted off the animal and into the shooter's mother-in-law.


A good citizen armadillo with a gun could have stopped all this.


According to insufficiently suspicious police, Larry McElroy was aiming for the critter when he fired the round that followed a 100-yard-long, Warren Commission-approved path into 74-year-old Carol Johnson's back. From WALB-TV:


Lee County Sheriff's deputies said 54-year-old Larry McElroy was outside when he fired his 9 mm pistol at the armadillo. The bullet killed the animal, but also ricocheted off of it, hit a fence, went through the back door of his mother-in-law's mobile home, through a recliner she was sitting in, and into her back.

Johnson was not severely injured, the station reports. Probably really surprised though.

"Just the circumstances, just all the way around, the whole situation was unusual," said Investigator Bill Smith, who would apparently rather share firearm suggestions than investigate anything.

"I really think if they're going to shoot at varmints and whatnot, maybe use a shotgun... with a spread pattern with a lot less range," Smith said.

Indeed.

Monday, April 13, 2015

New Ant-Man Trailer Makes Ant-Man Look Cool

The first teaser for Marvel’s next solo superhero movie was a bit gloomier, focusing on Scott Lang’s messed-up life. Today’s new trailer brings the straight-up superhero stuff, making you believe that this guy will be able to kick bad guys’ butts.

Okay, that's cool.


You’ll get a bunch of scenes of Paul Rudd’s Ant-Man facing up against Yellowjacket, who appears the movie’s main villain. Comics readers, of course, know that Hank Pym—played here by Michael Douglas—fought crime in both of those identities. Ant-Man comes July 17.




This whole Paul Rudd being a tiny-superhero-man, just might work out.

Sunday, April 12, 2015

FUNDAY: Anne Hathaway's Stan Status

Here's the thing about Anne Hathaway and me, I was never really on board.

Sure, I though she was a good actress, and have seen a few movies with her in them that I liked.  Her Catwoman was undeniable for instance:

That...acting is incredible.


But I just didn't get the hype.  To me she came off as just another actress who had that overly expressive theater face.  The kind of actor who cries in every movie, and takes melodramatic roles meant for lonely housewives and househusbands.

Then this happened:





Anne Hathaway giving the finger to Emily Blunt while LL Cool J looks on.  It is like some dream that I could've had, but the reality is somehow even better. (Insert your innuendo here.)

Yes, that is Anne Hathaway on a show about lip syncing that should in my mind be so stupid that I would never watch it.  Yet, this clip appeared in my Internet perusing, and the rest became history.  Consider me a newly minted Anne Hathaway super fan.  A Hathafan, if you will.

That's the great thing about opinions.  They can change like the tides baby.  This is what I am trying to tell you.  Don't be so set in your ways, be open minded to change if you need to.  You never know, one day you might become a Stan for someone you never even knew, and find yourself watching Les Miserables all damn day.

Let's go!

MUSIC

Kane

Remember when I told you that Grime was coming back in a big way?  GRIME IS COMING BACK IN A BIG WAY.  Get gully with this banger and enjoy the ride.






ASAP Rocky

Seemingly rocky is poised to drop an album real real soon.  Most are betting it is gonna be a surprise release, because that's what you do when you are a poppin' artist these days.  This would undoubtedly be awesome, but he needs to do it soon.  Yeezy is coming, and even being a huge ASAP fan, I just might not have time if that Kanye album is on my iPod.






Boaz van de Beatz f/ Riff Raff & Mr. Polska

This man may have the most idiotic name in all of music, and the song is admittedly trash.  But that video though!  Also, Riff Raff, so by this blog's very rules it must be included.  







Tame Impala

The word was that these dudes were gonna get electronic on their new album, pretty much adding them to the list of every artist that puts out an album these days.  However, unsurprisingly, they have done it in a way that only serves to enhance their songs.  Turning a stadium filling soft jam into something really special.






Vic Mensa f/ Kanye West

Kanye, please put your album out real soon.  You are pretty much untouchable these days when it comes to music.  The King Midas with only a fraction of the hubris.  Speaking of untouchable, Vic Mensa is on a hell of a streak these days.  Although he may have started out as a Chance the Rapper-lite, he has fully transformed into something entirely different in the past year.  That something is a fucking superstar.







VIDEOS

The Witcher 3

I have already paid in full for this video game.  However, I would buy it again in a heartbeat if I needed to. A woman takes her clothes off with magic.  A man is decapitated by a sword.  There is a griffin eating shit.  This is going to be the best video game ever made.







Key & Peele Game of Thrones Recap

Just in time to catch you up for the premiere tonight, Key and Peele have our backs with the recap.  They mostly focus on the important stuff, like death.  And then some more death.






4k Rocket Launch

Just another day at the office when your office is a damn rocket laboratory.  Spacex wants to get your ass, yes even your ass, into the cosmos you sucka.  This is exciting.  I wonder what Cheetos are like in space?






A Little Fast A Little Furious

Okay, now go make 7 movies of this.  Please.






BONUS CLIP







That's it.  I am gonna go look up some Anne H. clips.  See you next week.

Friday, April 10, 2015

AOTW: Man Cannot Cancel Comcast Cable Even Though He Has No House

Welcome back to the Asshole of The Week, where every Friday we single out one person, place, or thing from the week that is just the absolute worst.  This week we have a monolithic monopolistic corporation who is just making things too easy to hate them.  Almost on a weekly basis it seems.  Comcast, here we go again.

Just over a week ago, a St. Paul, Minn., man told Comcast he'd like to cancel his cable service. It's never as simple a process as it should be, but 66-year-old Jimmy Ware had a pretty good excuse: His entire house had burned down, and everything inside—including TVs and cable box—was destroyed in the fire.

Unfortunately for Ware and his daughter, Jessica Schmidt, the Worst Company in America always seems to find a way to turn leaving into a lengthy, dramatic ordeal. In this case, the problem was that Ware's documentation of his account number had been lost in the fire, along with everything else he owned.

Just check under the collapsed roof sir, perhaps it is somewhere in there.


Over the course of a week, Schmidt talked to Comcast four or five times, even putting her dad on the line to verify the last four digits of his social security number, but the company wouldn't cancel the service to the house—which no longer exists—without an account number.

Here's the most astounding moment from Schmidt's Kafkaesque customer service interactions, as told to the Twin Cities Pioneer Press:


"I've said to Comcast, 'Here's your choice, disconnect the service or send someone out to fix the cable, because it's not working,' The (Comcast) guy said, 'That doesn't make sense, because the house burned down.' I said, 'Exactly, shut the service off.' "

Schmidt finally got the service canceled Tuesday, a week after the fire. A Comcast rep admitted to the Pioneer Press that the situation hadn't been "handled properly," and said the company won't charge Ware for the cable equipment that was damaged when the house he grew up in went up in flames. Mighty big of them.  Although somehow still surprising.

For what it's worth, Comcast's response to these situations has been inconsistent. The company said they gave Ware the runaround because of their strong account security policies, but his neighbors, also victims of the fire, were able to walk into a local Comcast office and cancel right away.

Comcast, congratulations for making it so easy to name you Asshole of The Week.  Your company is straight garbage, and although you have a total monopoly, soon you will be right in the toilet.  People already don't want television anymore, and you fucking them over repeatedly isn't going to help.  Fuck you very much.

This Fictional Potato Story Might Make Your Day

Have you read the all the best literature, in all the best libraries? If so, good for you, my friend, but perhaps you'll allow me point you to a gem you may have overlooked: the Reddit story about a man who decided to pretend he'd never seen a potato before.

What the hell are these?


Originally posted on Reddit's Today I Fucked Up Forum, the strange potato story is undoubtedly not real, but still it should be read. The unabridged tuber tale in all its grandeur:


Let me tell you that I have made a bad mistake this evening.

My girlfriend (who let me tell you is only my 2nd girlfriend of all time) said I am "invited to dinner" with her and her parents. I was very aghast, nervous, and bashful to be invited to such a situation. But I knew it must be done.

I met them nicely, I should tell you, and it started off in a good way. The idea slapped my mind that I should do a comic bit, to make a good impression and become known to them as a person who is amusing.

When I saw that baked potatoes were served I got the idea that it would be very good if I pretended I did not know what potatoes was. That would be funny.

Well let me tell you: backfired on my face. I'll tell you how.

So first when the potato became on my plate, I acted very interesting. I showed an expression on my face so as to seem that I was confused, astounded but in a restrained way, curious, and interested. They did notice, and seemed confused, but did not remark. So I asked "This looks very interesting. What is this?"

They stared at me and the mother said "It's a baked potato." And I was saying "Oh, interesting, a baked....what is it again?"

And she was like "A potato."

And I was like "A 'potato', oh interesting. Never heard of a potato, looks pretty good."

And then they didn't see I was clowning, but thought I really did not know what is a potato. So I knew I would be very shamed, humiliated, depressed, and disgusted if I admitted to making a bad joke, so what I did was to act as if it was not a joke but I committed to the act of pretending I didn't know what a potato is.

They asked me, VERY incredulous, did I really not know what a potato is? That I never heard of a potato. I went with it and told them, yes, I did not ever even hear of a potato. Not only had I never eaten a potato I had never heard the word potato.

This went on for a bit and my girlfriend was acting very confused and embarrassed by my "fucked up antics", and then the more insistent I was about not knowing what a potato is was when them parents starting thinking I DID know what a potato was.

Well let me tell you I had to commit 100% at this point. When I would not admit to knowing what a potato was, the father especially began to get annoyed. At one point he said something like "Enough is enough. You're fucking with us. Admit it." And I said "Sir, before today I never heard of a potato. I still don't know what a potato is, other than some kind of food. I don't know what to tell you."

Well let me tell you he got very annoyed. I decided to take a bite of the potato, and when I did I made a high pitched noise and said "Taste's very strange!"

That is when the father started yelling at me, and the mother kept saying "What are you doing?" and my girlfriend went to some other room.

Finally the father said I should "Get the fuck out of his house" and I said it was irrational to treat me like this just because I never heard of a potato before. Well let me tell you he didn't take that kindly.

Now in text messages I have been telling my girlfriend I really don't know what a potato is. The only way I can ever get out of this is for them to buy that I don't know what a potato is.

I wish I never started it but I can't go back. I think she will break up with me anyway.



Again, probably not real, but great job lying to everyone.  That is a hell of a damn stupid story.

Thursday, April 9, 2015

True Detective Season 2 Is On The Way

Holy shit.  Looks like today is the day for reveals apparently.  First one of the world's biggest video game franchises, and now HBO has graced us with what in the previous year has been quite possibly the most speculated show not on television: True Detective is back with season 2!

It has a cast (Taylor Kitsch, Rachel McAdams, Colin Farrell, and Vince by god Vaughn)!  A setting (California possibly present day)!  It even has a teaser trailer!

Here it is:





That's right folks, people are back to doing dirt, some of them look to be police, and they are scored to some sweet T-Bone Burnett soundtracks.  True Detective this does ring.

While this time it seems we won't be blessed with the gods Harrelson and McConaughey, given this is an anthology after all, the cast seems good.  Looks like McAdams and Kitsch will be our police duo but this time we get two more main players.  (It is season 2 after all, gotta do things bigger.) Vince Vaughn looks to be playing some lovelorn business man, probably with scumbag intentions.  And as for Farrell, well he just looks to be playing a scumbag.  A role, in this author's opinion, he was born to play.

Many questions arise:  Will the characters all intertwine?  Can they top the majesty of season 1?  Will Ferrell and Vaughn be in something after a decade or so that I actually will enjoy?

We will see on June 21st, when the premiere goes down.  Cannot wait!

Big Surprise There Is A New Call of Duty Game

Activision on Thursday released a teaser trailer for this year's Call of Duty game, which is in development at Black Ops creator Treyarch Studios. The video is titled "Back in Black" and strongly suggests that--as suspected--this year's game will be Call of Duty: Black Ops III.

This is good news, and speaking as a fan, nothing touches the Black Ops series.

Call of Duty: Black Ops II was released in 2012 for consoles and PC.  After that they released two games not made by Treyarch, that I didn't bother buying.  I might be back on board now.

The cryptic video, which includes a number of voices and references to Alex Mason from Black Ops II, ends by teasing that Activision will reveal the game in full on Sunday, April 26. This is slightly ahead of schedule for Activision, as the publisher historically has waited until May to reveal new Call of Duty games.

Check it out though, if you want:



We Are All Doomed Because Taco Bell Is Working On Delivery

Two EMTs enter the house.  One grizzled veteran and his new rookie partner cross the threshold and look down on the man lying prostrate, motionless.  It is impossible to miss their patient, who is by now clearly passed on.

"God dammit," the veteran sighs.

"Is it another chalupa case sir?" asks the young ambulance driver.

The veteran kneels next to the bloated corpse, reaches down and pulls an orange Taco Bell wrapper from underneath his crumpled fist.

"What do you think?" he asks the young man as he holds it up to the light.

They both shake their heads and go about their business.

We are all doomed.

Taco Bell is currently on a mission to change breakfast, but the company is about to do a lot more than that according to an announcement from CEO Brian Niccol. In a March conversation with Nation’s Restaurant News (NRN), Niccol said Taco Bell will begin testing out a delivery service. Your body will never be the same, but it will be full of taco-like foodstuffs.

The delicious killer...

Remember all those nights you spent bargaining with friends, neighbors, strangers -- basically ANYONE -- who would take you to Taco Bell when you weren't totally able to get there on your own? (Yes, that time period is otherwise referred to as "college.") Well, those days could soon be over... just as soon as Taco Bell figures out how exactly they're going to roll out their delivery plan.

"Even though it’s the No. 1 request from consumers, we have to make sure we can give them an experience that’s consistent with Taco Bell, and that’s what we’re working through," said Niccol in his interview with NRN. "We have to figure it out, and I can tell you right now we don’t have it figured out."

But that doesn't mean that Taco Bell isn't actively trying. According to NRN, Niccol confirmed "some form of delivery will be in test by late this year."

But just like when Starbucks announced it would begin its own delivery service, logistics are crucial to this endeavor. How long can ground beef sit on Nachos Bell Grande before the tortilla chips turn soggy? What's the window of time in which a bean burrito stays hot? And for the love of all things holy, how do you keep a hard-shelled taco hard?

In the meantime, we can confirm that those delicious, weird-looking Cap'n Crunch Delights will be added to the breakfast menu shortly. As will the new Quesalupa, if Toledo, Ohio decides it's menu-worthy.

Steel yourselves.

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Watch Louis CK Talk About When He Ruined Jimmy Fallon

Louis C.K. brought a very funny, almost perfect Jimmy Fallon story with him to The Tonight Show. I say it’s perfect because not only does it feature the typical Louis C.K. wit, it also features a bevy of comedy name dropping and a spot on Fallon impression from C.K.

It goes all the way back to the ill-fated days of The Dana Carvey Show, where C.K. was the head writer and godlike names like Stephen Colbert and Charlie Kaufman roamed the halls. It was a weird post-SNL experience that inadvertently bridged the gap between SNL casts when Jimmy Fallon came in to audition, complete with a guitar and some troll dolls.

Louis talks about how he shook his “tight little ass” on stage while singing a song about said troll dolls, all before adding that he hated it. He hated how the ladies on staff loved Fallon, hated that he was young and talented, and just plain hated it all, actively campaigning against hiring him for the show. Dino Stamatopoulos echoed his sentiments, even threatening to quit if they hired Fallon. The rest is history.

It’s a pretty hilarious tale, even if he set off a chain of events that would thrust Jimmy Fallon into stardom. If they would’ve hired him for the show, lasted those seven, maybe eight episodes, and he very well could’ve ended up in a ditch as C.K. says at the end. Pure jealousy. Pure Louie.

If you are gonna have to prepare a story because you are on a talk show, it doesn't really get any better than this:






Don't sweat it Jimmy, unless he is Garth, Dana Carvey isn't that funny anyway.

(Via The Tonight Show)

Mrs. Doubtfire Bandit Puts Other Mrs. Doubtfire Bandits to Shame

Setting a new standard for dowdy, cross-dressing bank robbers nationwide, a man dubbed the "Mrs. Doubtfire Bandit" is being sought by Santa Cruz police, the L.A. Times reports.

Even robbers need a gimmick these days...

Unlike previous holders of the title (who have borne little resemblance to Robin Williams' obese Scottish nanny), the suspect accused of robbing a U.S. Bank on Friday served up serious Estranged Father Desperate to See His Children at Any Cost Realness during his alleged crime.From KGO-TV:


Police said the suspect was wearing a wavy blond wig, prescription glasses, navy blue scrubs and a light purple long-sleeved undershirt when he handed a note demanding money to the teller. No weapons were used and no injuries were reported, according to police.

“We believe these are great photos of the suspect,” said Santa Cruz police in an objectively true, unnecessarily qualified statement.

Monday, April 6, 2015

14,000 Toothpicks Makes Some Video Game Artwork

What do you do if you have some spare paint, a measure of artistic talent, love for video games, and a whole hell of a lot of toothpicks?  

Well you make some damn classic video game art.  That's what you do.

Mama mia.


Twitter user BitBlt Korry has recreated Super Mario Bros.' iconic menu screen using 14,000 painted toothpicks. Discovered by Kotaku, it's an incredible work of art and it took five days to complete.

For a closer look at the toothpick masterpiece and the process behind it, check out the video below




Looking for more fan-made video game creations? Check out this amazing Halo cross-stitch or this excellent Destiny drum cover.

Goat Arrested For Stealing (Your Heart)

A lawless goat—or a billy the kid, if you will—is currently in custody in New Jersey on a litany of charges, including disorderly behavior, trespass, and first-degree larceny (for stealing my damn heart.)


Hey, you gotta break in those new horns somehow.


Paramus cops say they "responded to calls of a disorderly goat headbutting a door in the Beech Lane area of town" on Sunday morning.

According to the police report, the smirking ball of fur attempted to flee but eventually got picked up "running in the roadway." He remains in custody, both with animal control and on my computer as a screensaver.


Sunday, April 5, 2015

FUNDAY: You Don't Have The Answers Sway And Neither Do We

The truth about this world is that we live in confusing times.  Things happen every single day that in our connected world are transferred right into the palm of your hand, and only serve to confuse and scare you.

When you live in an era where the answers to almost anything are literally at your fingertips, to encounter something that you just cannot figure out can be scary.  Unsettling even.  When you see something that even our benevolent hat-enthusiast Sway doesn't even have the answers to.

Something like this:


Somebody help him!


This photo came across my computer screen today and my brain’s reaction was to stare at it. Just stare. No thinking, no analyzing, just have a good, long stare. It was the same reaction to seeing a Monet or a Rembrandt—before you even begin to analyze, you just take it in. Really just let the reality of the image hit you. Now that I have spent roughly 20 to 90 minutes internalizing it, I have a few questions.

Why did this happen?  Why is Paul McCartney covering his balls with such abandonment?  Did Dane Cook kick Sir Paul in the wiener?  Where is this forsaken bathroom?  

So many questions.  So many queries that we will never have the answers to...

So then what do we do?  How do we attack this world's mysteries?  We simply must soldier on.  We must protect our McCartneys from the scourge of the world's Dane Cooks.  We can do it, but we must do it together.

Reach out your hand Funday peoples, we can do it together.


MUSIC

Young Thug

Leave it to Atlanta's most excellent weirdo Thugger to drop what as far as I am concerned is now the payday anthem.  Seriously, just try bumping this on your way home with that valuable piece of paper, you might just burn that motherfucking bank to the ground.






Brandon Flowers

Still cannot figure out why Flowers insists on setting most of his videos inside of the old Wild West.  However it is hard to deny such a prime slice of spooky 80's silliness like this.  Also, Evan Rachel Wood, so that is another reason for this one to be here.






TOPS

There are not too many music videos where throughout the length you have absolutely no idea what is going on.  This is one though.






Jamie xx

London looks pretty rad.  I will probably have to go there someday.  Not too sure about the rain though, but fuck it, I'll give it a shot. Also that Idris Muhammad sample has got to be the new "Funky Drummer" ubiquitous sample for cool sampling.  I must have heard it in about 5 or 6 songs so far this year, and for sure have definitely posted at least one of them here before.  Still though, it has not gotten old yet, so that just makes the argument for it that much stronger.






Downtown Boys

Go fucking thrash something!  You have under two minutes to do so.






VIDEOS

SXSWonderful

I admit it.  I am an Action Bronson Stan.  I have never admitted being one of those for anyone, not even Kanye, before.  I just cannot help it though, he is the best dude on the planet.  The mother fucker throws out televisions at his shows.  How does anyone even keep that?






Lip Sync Battle

Rock vs. Fallon. FIGHT!






Blood Moon

BLOOD MOON!  Cure the metal and enjoy one of the coolest natural phenomenon most people are always sleeping during.  Oh, and it is also time-lapse because this is the Internet and everybody loves time-lapses.  Get to moon watching.






Benedict Chocobatch

This is only slightly creepy...only slightly though.  See what happens when everyone's favorite English gentlemen with the most English of names has his likeness made the only more possible sweeter.  By becoming chocolate.






Fast to The Future

Prepare to have your heart broken.




BONUS CLIP






See you next week.  Until then, keep on pondering those mysteries that are the daily lives of terrible comedians.