Friday, February 27, 2015

Live Long And Prosper And Pour One Out

Spock, he's gone.

Leonard Nimoy, the actor best known for playing Mr. Spock in the ubiquitous sci-fi series Star Trek, passed away today at the age of 83.

The mind meld is over.

The New York Times has a full obituary for Nimoy, who was taken to the hospital earlier this week after suffering chest pains, and died this morning from end-stage chronic obstructive pulmonary disease.

Nimoy, who first starred as the half-Vulcan Spock in the original Star Trek series from 1966 to 1969, went on to appear in various shows, films, and video games both in the world of Star Trek and elsewhere. 

As both a fan of Trek and video games, I first knew the work of the man from his voiceover work in games, then later got around to his Spock days.

He starred as himself in the 2000 Dreamcast game Seaman and did voicework for two Kingdom Hearts games as well as the strategy game Civilization IV

Only one voice could wrangle this nightmare.

As another way to endear myself to him, Nimoy also appeared in the best show ever, The Simpsons. One of his most memorable performances came in a classic episode of The Simpsons, "The Springfield Files," in which he narrates.

Go watch that episode right now.

Of all the souls I have encountered in my travels, his was the most....human.  Have fun in the stars you wonderful man.

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Fuck The Police Coming Straight From The Llamaground

A pair of lost llamas led Sun City, Ariz. cops on a lengthy chase this afternoon, tying up law enforcement resources and leaving the city free for plundering by the handful of criminals who weren't watching, rapt, in their offices.

Y'all can't hole me down!


Watch the entire, hilarious pursuit here, and if you want some more humor, go on over to The Concourse to watch it set to the inevitable "Yakety Sax."




In the end, it took a lasso to shut down the most free four-legged hustlas on the planet. They may be down, but they will never be held down.

Get off me pig!


Fuck tha police.

Broken Half-Life Is A Nightmare Factory

The original Half-Life, in my opinion, is one of the most memorable games of all time. Since it's release in 1998, the game has blown the minds of thousands of gamers.  But it is now 2015, and thing have gotten weird. This, is not Half-Life as you remember it. Not at all.

Hello doct-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU!

The purveyors of endless video game nightmare fuel over at Vinesauce got their hands on aHalf-Life mod called Glitch-Life. In short, it randomizes Gordon Freeman's legendary journey by replacing textures and sound effects with... well, kinda whatever it feels like. As you might imagine, inconceivable horror ensues. It is, however, salted with hilarity, oftentimes resembling a ghost wizard battle on a playground made of Legos. I particularly enjoyed the part where there was just an endless fountain of guns spurting forth from the Nowhere Dimension.

I did not enjoy the part that produced the GIF at the top of this article.

I will now leave you to make your own judgments. If, however, you require cuddles while you choke out confused sobs afterward, or even just someone to scoop up the fluids that will invariably leak out of your brain while you watch, let me know. I'm happy to help.





Nightmares for everyone!

Google's AI Is Really Good At Video Games

Really, it's just a matter of time before Google's "DeepMind" artificial intelligence changes it's name so Skynet and learns how to wreck us all.  Keep the nuclear missiles locked up tight.

New Scientist reports a Google-owned AI has learned how to beat 49 Atari games, just by spectating them. So it's not, like, out there playing the newest Call of Duty with an army of 13 year-olds or anything, but still! It's impressive, in that scary "how long until Skynet?" sort of way.

Cool.  Chilling and nightmarish, but cool.

What makes this more fascinating is that the AI got so good at some of the games, it actually beat top human scores—all without actually knowing the rules of the game. Not only that, it organically learned how to use the types of advanced techniques that actual players would use in games like Breakout. Which if you think about it, is not much more than pressing a button.  A button marked "launch all the nukes."

Here's New Scientist, describing how it works:

The software isn't told the rules of the game – instead it uses an algorithm called a deep neural network to examine the state of the game and figure out which actions produce the highest total score...Deep neural networks are often used for image recognition problems, but DeepMind combined theirs with another technique called reinforcement learning, which rewards the system for taking certain actions, just as a human player is rewarded with a higher score when playing a video game correctly.

While tech similar to this has existed for a while now, the current AI can handle more data than ever before. How these advances will be used remains to be seen, but already, people are coming up with some potential scenarios.

You can watch how the AI improves over time in this video by NPG Press. Initially, it's not very good—it lets the ball go beyond the paddle. But by the end, the AI is a total pro. It's pretty incredible.

Check it out:





It's just a matter of time humanity.  Enjoy the novelty now, because when a 12-foot tall mechanical skeleton is crushing your head while getting a high-score on Pac-Man, it will be all you have left.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Pee-Wee Herman Is Gonna Be In A New Movie And I Think I Am Gonna Pass Out

Here's the thing.  When you are a child you begin to take the first steps towards shaping your likes and interests.  Often what you enjoy as a tike comes as your beginning into the world of nostalgia.  You eventually get older,  and what you loved as a young thing continues to hold a special place in your heart.  Sometimes even, you belong to a generation like mine, which currently holds a special place in pop culture.

You see, people these days that create stuff are running out of ideas, and rather than take the hard road of creating/thinking of something new...they just rehash things from the past.  The easy way.

However, in a world of remakes, and re-imaginings, most of which are terrible (looking at you new Robocop) sometimes you get a magical moment where your nostalgia comes back to punch you right in the gut.  Where something you loved intensely as a young girl/boy, gets the reboot and all of that flies out the window because you want to cry you are so happy.

It just happened to me, because Pee-Wee is back!

That's right, my favorite person when I was between the ages of 5-well, right now...is gonna be in a new movie.  And for a person that lists Pee-Wee's Big Adventure as one of his all time favorite films, this is to say the least, exciting.

Pee-wee Herman, the beloved character from surreal children's show Pee-wee's Playhouse and Tim Burton's first feature film, Pee-wee's Big Adventure, is back for a new feature film. Produced by Judd Apatow (Bridesmaids, Knocked Up) and Paul Reubens (the actor who plays Pee-wee), Pee-wee's Big Holiday will premiere on Netflix.

Can you have a heart attack from joy?

The plot sounds simple (and will probably be more or less beside the point).

In Pee-wee's Big Holiday, a fateful meeting with a mysterious stranger inspires Pee-wee Herman to take his first-ever holiday in this epic story of friendship and destiny.

You don't watch Pee-wee for complex plotting. You watch it for trippy imagery and weirdo animation and Paul Reubens making funny noises.

Stuff like this:






And this:





Oh god, I am gonna go watch Pee-Wee...if you need me I will be trying to guess the secret word all night.



Cannot wait!

That's It, Ping Pong Is Over

Sure, you could keep playing ping pong in your life, if you were so inclined, but what would be the point, really, when simultaneously the ultimate and most chill ping pong thing has already happened, and it wasn't you who did it, so why even bother?

Ping pong has officially been won, and is now over as an entertainment device.  Just go ahead and throw that table in your basement right into a damn dumpster.  Get a foosball table and start over, or at least a pool table...





The man in red—having tasted glory only to have it shoved down his throat, backwards, without looking—glances towards the camera. He shrugs his shoulders. What can he do? What can any of us do?  He has clearly stared into the face of greatness, and found only heartbreak staring back at him.  

No matter how hard you ping, there will always be a better pong coming at your ass.  Might as well stick to the game where little men do backflips and kick a tiny soccer-like ball.

"Two points," the man in blue, the chillest man in the world, proclaims. He punctuates his victory. "And a pizza."

And a pizza indeed sir, you have more than earned it.  Perhaps over sustenance, you can show your opponent the keys to victory you have so clearly discovered.  Or, perhaps your ping can never be taught...only time will tell... 

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

These Aren't Your Brother's Power Rangers

Massive intergalactic warfare. Tons of cussin'. Lethal force up the wazoo. Threesomes. Yup, you've probably never seen Power Rangers look like this.


Go go...motherfuckers?!


This short film directed by Joseph Kahn and produced by Adi Shankar (Dredd) re-imagines the Saturday-morning staple as something a lot closer to Mortal Kombat. Casting James Van Der Beek as a traitorous former comrade and Katie Sackhoff as a grown-up version of the Pink Ranger is a nice bit of fan casting, too.

Somehow I never thought of Van Der Beek as a Power Ranger, but it makes total sense.


Just to be clear, this is Joseph Kahn's (Detention, Toque) R-rated, NSFW Power Rangers short film. We did not think the Power Rangers could be this dark. We were so wrong.

Created just for shits and grins, Kahn cobbled together what he's labeling a "deboot FAN FILM." Writing quite plainly in his video description that this is...

...not a pilot, not a series, not for profit, strictly for exhibition. This is a bootleg experiment not affiliated or endorsed by Saban Entertainment or Lionsgate nor is it selling any product. I claim no rights to any of the characters (don't send me any money, not kickstarted, this film is free). This is the NSFW version. An alternate safe version is on youtube.






It's like Point Break's dialogue meets Tarantino blood brawls. But, you know, with Power Rangers.This might feel like sacrilege but it turns out that hearing a musical callback to the classic Power Rangers theme music while a guy bleeds out after being stabbed by one of the sentai-derived superheroes is... kinda awesome?

There Is Now A Pac-Man Restaurant

Chicago just got much cooler, because they have given the most ultimate hero that lacks a body, arms, legs, and well...most facial features, his very own restaurant.  Pac-Man has a restaurant, and to be honest, considering that his most defining feature is that he eats stuff...is pretty much a no-brainer.

Waka waka waka whoa that's nice.

Chicago's 40,000 square foot Pac Man restaurant Level 257 is now open for business, at least for some. The venue is now letting "beta testers" (god video games make everything dumb sometimes) make a dinner reservation and sample the food and entertainment before it opens to the public later this year.

Chicago Eater went inside Level 257 and snapped a series of lovely photos of the space. It's not just a restaurant, however. In addition to seating for 180 people, it has a bowling alley, ping pong tables, and of course, Pac-Man video games to play, among other things. Which, is pretty much a given.

Level 257's cocktails are named after video games. Some of these include "Game Over," "1 Up," and "Midway." Check out the restaurant's menu here. And definitely be sure to look through the whole image gallery at Chicago Eater.

As for the name, Level 257 is a reference to Pac-Man's infamous killscreen, which pops up during the 256th board. Overall, the restaurant aims to offer a "fun dining" experience.  Although it lacks very much blue neon, and a specific absence of ghosts is clearly noticeable, it looks pretty cool.

Level 257 is located at the Woodfield Mall in Chicago. For more on the venue, and to make a reservation, head to the restaurant's Facebook page.

All I am saying is, there better be a "giant bouncing cherries" option on the menu.

Monday, February 23, 2015

Adult Swim And Dr. Steve Brule Make History Again



While all you assholes were being blinded by your Hollywood big shots in anticipation of the Oscars, Adult Swim was making moves.

In case you missed it, Adult Swim aired the "pilot" of Bag Boy on Friday, a fake sitcom starring John C. Reilly's awkward health correspondent character Steve Brule. Excuse me, Doctor Steve Brule, AKA the best character that has ever been on television.  You may think you want another show with Walter White, but what you really want is Steven Brule to have his second, yes second television show.

If there were any justice in the world, Bag Boy would become the new "Too Many Cooks," as it expands on the viral clip's skewering of corny sitcom tropes, puppet animal sidekick and all.

Bringo! You dang dingus!

As it stands, Bag Boy seems to have been mostly ignored—the full episode currently has just over 7,000 views on the Adult Swim site. It's perfect for fans of Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim, the commerce-obsessed comedy team who co-wrote the episode with Reilly. Bag Boy features a few members of Tim & Eric's stable of weirdos that they tend to parade out in their productions.

Bag Boy was everything that you would want: awkward, weird, disgusting, and hilarious. Check it out in its entirety above. For a taste of its particular brand of weirdness, I have provided the perfect picture below.



Go watch it, you turkey.

New Star Wars Might Be Spoiled Already

Star Wars: The Force Awakens hasn't even awoke yet, but there are already spoilers for the damn thing.  Some of which reveal the beginning (rumored) scenes and motivations of main characters played by Oscar Isaac and John Boyega. 

So naturally feel free to read on, but, you know, spoilers are ahead...

Allegedly, the film that will make or break director JJ Abrams opens on a lightsaber floating in space, before it plummets to the planet below, where a native farmer takes it to someone codenamed 'The Vicar' (this is apparently Max Von Sydow's character), who in turn contacts the Rebel Alliance about the weapon.

This brings Poe Dameron (Oscar Isaac with a decidedly Star Wars name) to the planet, but the Empire arrive soon after - including John Boyega's Finn, who attack the village looking for the Rebels. Dameron is captured by the Imperials, Finn is imprisoned by Kylo Ren (Star Wars names!) for allowing villagers to flee during the fight. Poe and Finn bond while being held in the brig of a Star Destroyer, before hatching a plan to escape together in a TIE Fighter.

SPOILER: There is a spaceship in this movie.

As ever, take this all with a pinch of salt. [Making Star Wars]

Or don't! JJ Abrams, speaking to the BBC, had this to say about the process of making The Force Awakens and the bevy of rumors around the film:

We did the best we can to preserve the story for the audience, but it doesn't always work.

There are a ton of rumors — some true, some false. But I'm grateful for everyone who would want to read a spoiler because it means that they care and want to see the movie.

So somewhere out there is a true spoiler for Episode VII. Somewhere. [ BBC]

It's official that Carrie Fisher's daughter, Billie Lourd, has a role in The Force Awakens. And apparently it's a big enough part that it impressed J.J. Abrams. He told E! Online: "I've known Billie since she was six or something... So to see her...I can't believe that she's this young woman who's clearly going into the stratosphere." [E! Online]

SO if you've read this far, maybe this stuff is all true and you will find out whenever the hell the movie comes out.  Or, it will all be as fake as the damn swords made of light that all these people will be swinging around.  

We will see.

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Kanye Is Making A Video Game

Fresh from his blockbuster performance at the Grammys, rapper, producer, songwriter, professional husband and game designer Kanye West has revealed that his next game project will allow players to guide his late mother to the highest gates of heaven.  Finally getting into the game arena rather than just being the subject of some game ideas.

He told you not to let him into his zone...

I say latest game project because Yeezy is no stranger to the rigors of game design. In 2009, discussing the origins of his first beats, he described a game he'd been working on at the age of twelve that was like Mario Bros. only with more penises and vaginas.


My game was very sexual. The main character was, like, a giant penis. It was like Mario Brothers, but the ghosts were, like, vaginas. Mind you, I'm 12 years old, and this is stuff 30-year-olds are programming. You'd have to draw in and program every little step-it literally took me all night to do a step, 'cause the penis, y'know, had little feet and eyes.

In an interview earlier this week with The Breakfast Club radio show (via NeoGAF), Kanye revealed his latest game was a tribute to his deceased mother based on the song "Only One," a groundbreaking collaboration that launched the career of Paul McCartney. Skip to 55:55 in the video below for the game comment.  Or just watch the whole thing, it just might make you change your (ignorant) ideas about the guy.





"So right now I'm working on a video game for 'Only One.' The idea is, it's my mother going through the gates of heaven and you have to bring her to the highest gates of heaven by holding her to the light. We've been working on it for like six months."

Kanye's mother, Donda West, tragically passed in November of 2007 due to coronary artery disease, an existing condition complicated by plastic surgery. The controversy surrounding the nature of her death led to then-California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger signing the Donda West Law in 2009, requiring patients receive medical clearance before undergoing elective cosmetic surgery.

I'm a firm believer in the power of the video game as memorial, and I imagine the game design process is quite cathartic for an artist who was obviously deeply affected by his mother's passing. Let's just hope his design sensibilities have matured in the past 25 years.

Or just throw out the mother angle and bring on the penises and vaginas...

FUNDAY: This One's For You

Welcome back to a very special Funday ladies and gentlemen.  Today is the Funday of the Oscars, where once again you will gather around your television, to watch famous people gather in a room, and give each other awards.

However, there is one person who deserves an award right now.  It's you Funday fans, you are so good.

Remember that dope Facebook photo you posted last year?  Or when you wrote that funny tweet that nobody noticed, or so you thought?

Funday noticed.

Not only were you looking good last year, but you were clever as well.  You may not have been famous, or even rich.  But what you were for sure was worthwhile.  So here you go:

You did it. And you deserve it.

Don't worry if you didn't prepare a speech.  I am sure you'll nail it.

Congratulations you wonderful person you!

Sounds

Low Pros f/Que

Amazing in their own right producers A-Trak and Lex Luger, two men who know how to choose pseudonyms, are back as Low Pros (an equally excellent name) once again.  Once again they are making not only bangerz with guests like Que, but super cool visuals to go with.  Missed you two.






Rome Fortune

I don't know when ATL rappers became so damn weird, but boy is it awesome that it happened.  Keep it coming everyone.  Wanna dye your beard green and make a music video with your grandfather in it?  Be my guest.






Jungle

I really hope that one day they make an avant-garde Step Up sequel.  And if they do, it has to look and sound like this.  It just has to.






Yung

Melodic punk band from Denmark you say?  Well you can just stop right there.  Sold.







Superheaven

Man, I was all ready to finish up the "Sounds" portion for this week's Funday and then as I glanced over my recommendations in YouTube (which I have curated perfectly) I saw a fucking band that is called SUPERHEAVEN and I had to reopen my draft.  Let this be a lesson to all you would-be musicians out there.  If you are thinking about a band thing, think hard about a killer name first. Something like Grand Pappy, or Bleu Suede, or whatever.  Trust me.








Sights

Robot Eating a Sandwich

They are already among us!  We are fucked.






Kill Me Three Times

Simon Pegg as a hitman in a dark comedy?  Yep.  That will do.  That will do just nicely thank you very much.






Tiny Tempura

Why are tiny things so much more delicious?  Why do you always want the tiny version and then just wish it could be bigger as you consume it?  Humanity will never solve this problem.  We are just simply doomed.






Girls React to Tinder Lines

Oh boy.






BONUS CLIP







See you next week.

Friday, February 20, 2015

Find Out Which State To Get Your Well-Being On

Your well-being is how comfortable, healthy, and happy you are, so it's important to maintain it. According to the nationwide polls from Gallup and Healthways, these are the states with the highest and lowest well-being index scores.

Let's see...well shit!






 
After a massive poll spanning from January to December last year, each U.S. state was given an index score between 0 and 100 representing the general well-being of the state's population. The score is based on five different metrics including a resident's sense of purpose, their social lives, their financial security, their feeling of community, and their physical health. All things that are important when it comes to maintaining your happiness. Here is how the top five states scored (with 0 representing the lowest possible well-being and 100 representing the highest possible well-being):
  1. Alaska: 64.75
  2. Hawaii: 64.5
  3. South Dakota: 64.3
  4. Wyoming: 63.9
  5. Montana: 63.7
I mean it is clear that Alaska and Hawaii are awesome, but what do you have up your sleeve South Dakota?  Getting paid off all that natural gas money?  And Wyoming?!  Until now, my only ideas about Wyoming sided with this guy.

Apparently it's nice to be outside the contiguous United States. The bottom five from best to worst are Mississippi, Ohio, Indiana, Kentucky, and lastly, West Virginia. Of course, all of this information should be taken with a grain of salt. Just because you live in a state with a low index score doesn't mean you're unhappy. But if you are feeling a little down and out, a change of scenery to one of the top states might help. No poll, no matter how big, can capture an individual's experience in certain places, but there must be a reason why so many people are happy in these places. For more information and the rest of the scores, check out the link below.

That's it.  I am moving to Alaska.

The Beginning Of The End Of Mad Men Is Here

Well it is here folks, the beginning of the end of one of the best shows ever made.  Despite AMC and creator Matthew Weiner's desperate attempts to squeeze every last bit of time (and advertising dollars) out of the network's first truly great television show, that time has run out.

The final trailer for the final (ridiculous) half-season AMC so loves to do is here, and boy does it have some shocking revealations:

Sterling 70's sideburns!


The trailer, which covers the final seven episodes of Mad Men premiered Thursday with the appropriate title, “The Party’s Over.”

While the teaser for part two of season seven doesn’t give a lot of hints as to what’s in store, you just cannot help but be excited for Roger Sterling’s killer ’70s sideburns.

Check it out:






Groovy.

Thursday, February 19, 2015

What if Kanye's DONDA Did Movie Posters?

Depending on who you ask, the Oscars either got the Best Picture race as close to right as they’ve been in years this time around, or this year's big nominees are yet another group of basic awards-baiting films that fail to accurately represent the best film really had to offer in 2014. One thing’s basic for sure: the posters. The art of the one-sheet is slowly but surely becoming lost. When’s the last time a great movie had a truly fire accompanying poster that you just had to frame in your crib, let alone achieve iconic status?

In honor of the impending Academy Awards, artist Danny Scanzoni imagined what the eight best picture nominees would look like if DONDA, Kanye's design firm collective, designed their posters and brought them to life just to show you what the film game’s missing. Take a look at what surely would be Kanye West approved images below. If these are truly the Best Pictures, the most artistic achievements film delivered last year (and that's still up for debate), then they deserve the most artistic promotion. In the words of the man himself, respect the artistry. Trust us, these films have never looked more interesting.

The Grand Budapest Hotel

The Imitation Game

Birdman

Boyhood

Whiplash

The Theory of Everything

Selma

American Sniper

Shout out to Danny Scanzoni.  I want all these on my walls right now.

Neil Blomkamp Is Gonna Make An Aliens Movie

Well here is some good god damn news for Sci-Fi fans!

"Um... So I think it's officially my next film. #alien"

Just like that, with one Instagram posting, the man responsible for perhaps the most incredible Science-Fiction movie of the past decade has announced that he is gonna make the next installment in the Aliens franchise.  And no, he doesn't mean Prometheus 2.


A photo posted by Brownsnout (@neillblomkamp) on



That's right everyone.  The man who made District 9 is gonna do something with Xenomorphs, and most likely the most badass heroine of the silver screen, Tha Goddess Ripley.

TheWrap reports that Blomkamp has "signed on to direct a movie set in the Alien universe that will not be Prometheus 2 for 20th Century Fox." The events of the movie, the site claims, take place after Prometheus 2 and that Ridley Scott is producing both films.

Things just keep getting better and better.

Blomkamp -- whose next sci-fi movie, Chappie, opens in March -- has previously said in interviews that his take on any potential Alien 5 would involve Sigourney Weaver's Ripley.  He even went as far in the past to create his own secret concept art just in case he ever got the chance. 

Did I mention it looks awesome?

Blomkamp had before pitched his idea to the production company, 20th Century Fox, and only ever replied that, "they never said no."

Now apparently they have said yes, and things are getting exciting.  The man who singlehandedly created his own iconic film is taking hold of one of the most iconic movie monsters, and heroines to have ever graced the picture shows.

Now it must lean towards District 9, and not Elysium.  Hopefully in two or three summers, we will have acid spitting Xenomorphs in our local movie theaters nationwide, helmed by a Sci-Fi visionary.

What do you think about it all Ellen?

Just be patient.



Wednesday, February 18, 2015

AOTW: Whimsical Spelling Makes For Idiocy

Welcome back to The Asshole of The Week, where each Friday (and sometimes Wednesday) we single out a person, place, or thing from the week that is the absolute worst.  This week we have yet another ridiculously unfortunate foible by a large corporation that despite employing hundreds of people, cannot pay any of them enough to have a brain.

Krispy Kreme's whimsical spelling has long straddled the line between "friendly Southern grandma" and "racist country grandpa," but this week a UK branch of the donut chain accidentally went full hoods and crosses with an ad promoting "KKK Wednesdays."

Meant to be short for "Krispy Kreme Klub Wednesdays," the store responsible for the sign says they didn't realize the initials had already been taken another, more famous KKK, until Facebook fans pointed out the unfortunate similarity.  A claim, which even the store being located outside of America, seems dubious at best.

Let's see...coloring Tuesday should be fun, and...wait a god damned minute!


On Tuesday, Krispy Kreme finally recognized their food-grade fuck up, removing the sign and issuing a formal apology:

"Krispy Kreme apologizes unreservedly for the inappropriate name of a customer promotion at one of our stores," a spokeswoman for Krispy Kreme told the Guardian.
"This promotion was never intended to cause offence. All material has been withdrawn and an internal investigation is currently underway."

Fortunately, the donut shop hasn't given up on hosting a kool kids' klub.

"We don't have a new name for the event yet," one Kremesman told the Hull Daily Mail, "but it is still going ahead this week."

Next week, they will be starting a new promotion for kids: the North American Zany Imagination Day!

Krispy Kreme, you are a bunch of idiots. And thus have definitely earned your title of The Asshole of The Week!  Congratulations you stupid, stupid company.

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

American Learns Not To Run With Bulls

This weekend an American college student answered the eternal question—"I wonder if it's worth it to pay money to get close enough to a bull that he could gore my sphincter?"—with a firm no.

Firm, like a horn up your asshole.

Benjamin Miller, a 20-year-old Georgia resident, was celebrating at the Carnaval del Toro in Ciudad Rodrigo, Spain when he reportedly set out running alongside what turned out to be quite the aggressive bull. A photographer on scene documented the goring, which left Miller with serious injuries to his thighs, ahem...sphincter...and back muscles.

Please do something else to help me.  That is not working.

"It's not the worst injury I've seen, but it's the biggest goring wound I've ever had to operate on," surgeon Enrique Crespo told reporters after performing a three-hour operation on Miller, who is now reportedly in intensive care.

Rectum? Damn near killed him!

Don't run with the bulls folks.  Or if you do, wear some chain-mail underwear.

Mission To Mars Choses 100 People Who Could Get To Die There

Sure, the planned civilian mission to Mars is wildly unrealistic, and if it even if we got there everyone would probably starve, but it's still fun to think about. That's especially true when it comes to deciding what 100 people should be banished to space, never to return, as Mars One did today.  Meaning we are one step closer to an amazing space adventure that will most likely end in horrible tragedy at worst, and some sort of Mars republic of Martian colonists at best.

Watch that helmet glass!


"From the initial 202,586 applicants, only 100 hopefuls have been selected to proceed," read a statement released by the organization Monday. "These candidates are one step closer to becoming the first humans on Mars."

Unfortunately, all of the potential deportees are volunteers (thus denying my "send criminals who will somehow thrive and then spark an interspace war with earth" fantasy), and of the 100 only four would be sent on the one-way trip, but who knows! Maybe Mars is super easy to colonize but a bummer to be on and we can start using it as Earth's Australia.  Perhaps there could even be space kangaroos. 

We may even have some say in the matter, as Mars One's website promises, "The whole world will have a vote which group of four will be the first humans on Mars." -An idea which, given the complexity and pioneering situation of the mission, seems like an unbelievably terrible idea.

What do you think? What four shitpeople are the most qualified for off-planet exile? Who will get their ass to Mars?

Monday, February 16, 2015

Watch The Best (Musical) Performance From SNL 40th

Kanye West hit the Saturday Night Live stage for the three-and-a-half hour #SNL40 40th anniversary special this past Sunday night (SNL on a Sunday?) to perform his latest track “Wolves” with ridiculous wig-game wearing Sia and a fantastic-sounding Vic Mensa, who sang on the track. ‘Ye’s voice was definitely a little worn, probably from his major performances in NYC and elsewhere this week, but the full debut of “Wolves” was definitely worth it.  Especially for a Kanye stan like myself.

Striking? Yes.

The performance was the only one of the night that included a medley of multiple songs, giving nod to Ye's multiple memorable appearances on SNL. Adding to the single spotlight, pyramid, and glow in the dark sets that he has used in the past, Kanye of course created another interesting stage set. First laying down, then crouching under a low ceiling with his fellow musicians.

This follows Yeezy’s twin performances of “Only One” and “FourFiveSeconds,” the latter with Paul McCartney and Rihanna, at the Grammy Awards earlier this month, which was then overshadowed by his fake interruption of Beck’s Album Of The Year Award and his subsequent rant in an interview afterward. Tonight, in true Kanye fashion, he also pulled a fake interruption—this one possibly even more tongue-in-cheek than the last—when he took Matt Lauer’s microphone on the #SNL40 red carpet and pretended to pull his now-classic maneuver. It’s almost the gift that keeps on giving at this point, no?

Check out the raspy performance below:





Yeezy is gearing up to release his seventh solo studio album in the near future, or so we hope, and this recent media blitz seems like it could be part of the buildup to that release. But do we really know? Of course not. But either way, check out his and Vic’s contribution to the star-studded Saturday Night Live love-fest above. 50 Cent and Ludacris were also reportedly scheduled to make appearances this evening, where the majority of the show’s cast throughout the years are making cameos alongside superstars like Jack Nicholson, Tom Hanks, Robert DeNiro and more.

DOOM Mod Adds Instagram Filter And Selfie Stick

A Doom modder who goes by the name Linguica has created a mod that adds Instagram filters and a selfie stick to the classic first person shooter.

Use the rule of thirds to compose your slaughter!


InstadDoom, as it's called, adds 37 filters you'll recognize from the photo and video sharing social network, including Mayfair, Rise, Inkwell, and many more, which will adjust the image's colors.

Look! It's blue!


Even more impressive is that the mod includes a virtual selfie stick, which lets you take pictures of your in-game character posing with hell demons on Mars, as you can see in the above.

"You can only take so many pictures of your food slaughtering demons!" Linguica wrote. "You want to show the world how hott you are while you do it, and now you can! Use the latest in stick technology to get more of yourself in the shot! It's American President Approved!"

Oh boy.


You can find more details about the mod and download it on the Doomworld forums.

Sunday, February 15, 2015

FUNDAY: Who Loves Ya Baby

Well, well well, Funday is here on the babymakin' weekend of the year.  Valentine's yo.

Whether you are snuggled up with that significant other, or buying yourself cheap candy on Sunday afternoon.  It doesn't matter if you are with somebody or not, we all win.

And after all, you know Funday loves you baby.  No matter how stupid you are, or how fat, or even if sometimes when you get nervous your armpits sweat so much that it doesn't matter if you wear 5 shirts, those babies are getting soaked.

We love ya, and we even got you a valentine.

It just says it all doesn't it?

So come on, lay down by the fire and take it off...it is time to do something sexy.  And by that I mean watch some videos from the Internet that were posted in the past week.

Is it getting hot in here?


Sounds

A$AP Rocky

Look, I know they are spelled differently, but why this isn't Joe Flacco's current and always theme song just baffles me.  I don't even like Flacco, (in fact I hate him, Who Dey) but this just needs to happen for the sake of the universe.






Calvin Harris f/HAIM

I wouldn't say I am a Calvin Harris fan.  I would say however, that I am a Calvin Harris featuring Haim fan.  That's because Haim makes everything in this world better.






Death Cab For Cutie

Hey everybody, Death Cab is back!  That's pretty cool isn't it?  (The answer is yes.)






Fitness

Few things in this world are as cool as dark synthpop.  Especially when it is made by a cool former postpunk dude like Adam Moerder.  The video is pretty damn slick as well. Two thumbs up here.




You Blew It!

I might have only included this because it makes me think of Tim and Eric Awesomeshow Great Job! – a show that is one of humanities greatest accomplishments.  Yeah, about 99% sure that's why I included this.  I mean I like the song, but you make me think about Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim, and you have a fan already.






Sights

The Man From U.N.C.L.E.

Superman (Henry Cavill) and The Lone Ranger (Armie Hammer) in a Guy Ritchie directed 60's spy movie based on an old television show?!  Sign me up. Don't get me wrong, I am a massive Bond fan, but Bond cannot be in the 60's anymore, which was the absolute coolest Bond era.  So instead we get this, good thing it looks real cool.






Spectre Footage

Speaking of Bond...







Yeezy Season

I have come to terms (begrudgingly) that Kanye will never make a shoe that I can own for a reasonable price.  However, he still will make music, and that I can buy.  Like this new song that comes at the end of his recent Adidas collaboration.  Awesome.






Truth or Drink

Need something to do with your loved one on this Valentine's Day weekend?  Well here it is.  Get drunk, get mad at each other, get embarrassed.  Isn't that what being together is all about?






BONUS CLIP




Remember, you shouldn't be sad if you are alone this weekend.  Just worry about being nice to people, because that's what love is really all about.  You asshole.

See you next week.


Friday, February 13, 2015

DOOM Mod Lets You Beat People With Their Own Arms

Brutal DOOM remains one of the most infamous DOOM modifications around, allowing folks to dial up the game's violence to new heights. Sure, it all looks a little goofy—DOOM came out in in 1993, after all—but Brutal DOOM still manages to shock. Next up? Bloody, destructible bodies!

Everything about this is awesome.

Even though the violence of DOOM looks slightly absurd in modern times, consider the following GIF to be slightly NSFW.

I'll give you a moment or two to prepare yourself.

Ready?

Are you sure?

Close your eyes if you're nervous

Okay, here we go.


HELL YEAH!


The upcoming release of Brutal DOOM is the mod's 20th revision. Destructible bodies actually used to be part of the mod, but were removed because the extra gore was CAUSING GLITCHES.


On v19 I had to remove the destroyable bodies because they were bugging everything, making some doors and lifts to stop working. Now I have not just fixed this issue, but I am also expanding it. The bodies are much more interactive than before, and you can also squish gibs by jumping over them. And yes, you will be able to remove the arms from dead mancubi using the chainsaw and use it as a weapon again. Same for revenant rocket launcher.

That's a man dedicated to his craft. And did I read that right? You can rip off someone's arm and use it as a weapon? I can't tell if John Carmack would be proud or creeped out to learn this.  He would be proud.  Or at least John Romero would.

Check it out you sicko:




DOOM is love. DOOM is life.

High-speed Chase Ends With Vigilante Beating

Police got into a high-speed pursuit with a robbery suspect in Dallas yesterday, and the chase ended when the suspect slammed into a line of cars at a stop light. That's when he was apprehended not by police officers, but by a road-raging couple who were not about to let some asshole just get away with wrecking their car.

And before his jail time, he learned a powerful lesson: If you are gonna slam into someone during your illegal police chase, make sure they are the right person.

These two are clearly the wrong people:




On the one hand, I admire how fearlessly these two went about scrapping with a criminal. On the other, it's a little worrying that it took them so long to notice that their kid was seriously dazed. Little guy seemed ready to fight, too, though, so shout out to him.  Either that or the accident somehow possessed him with a sort of demon, given all the squirming he was doing.

All in all a positive outcome without any major injuries, and a hilarious turn of events.

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Map Reveals That A Ton Of Americans Like That Asshole Macklemore

Judging by this map Drake still has some work to do before he eclipses Jay Z. Music Machinery created a map of each state's favorite artist by compiling streaming data from The Echo Nest. The formula is simple: the most played artist in each state last year takes the crown. There's no split vote fuckery like Nebraska and Maine allow for in the electoral college.



What is going on in North Dakota?  Suddenly I want to go to North Dakota.

As you can see, Hov dominates the East, Midwest, and a large portion of the South. Drake also takes a few states from the South, as well as the Southwest, somewhat validating his claim on YG's "Who Do You Love." Macklemore & Ryan Lewis actually take more states than Drizzy, a fact we wish we could ignore. Check out who your state is feeling most above.

Now, let's discuss how the most boring states in the union are not doing themselves any favors here by listening to the most bullshit artist in the game.  I can understand Washington representing for their Seattle MC, even if he is an asshole.  But come on midwest, what is going on?  Not even country music can unseat the douche Macklemore?

Also, Hova clearly is the king right?  

No Those Kanye Rumors Are Not True You Dummy

Your most gullible Facebook friends reported today that the outlaw Kanye West has been banned from future appearances at the Grammys, the Oscars, the MTV Video Music Awards, and the People's Choice Awards for his audacious crimes against the musical establishment. And further, that major TV networks have informally agreed to "boycott" West. You may tell those friends: Nah. It's just another stunt from a fake news site.  Your friends are also probably dummies.

Sorry fucbois, Yeezus will not be held down.

Snopes has traced the rumor back to a story on The Adobo Chronicles, one of the internet's hydra-like multiplicity of bullshit-spewing, fucking terrible "satirical" news sites. The reason for its spread isn't a huge mystery: "Kanye West Barred From All Future Awards Shows" is a splashy, timely celebrity headline that describes something your stereotypical email-forwarder, along with a bunch of Internet racists (do yourself a favor and never search "kanye nigger" on Twitter, it'll ruin your day), would love to see happen.
And indeed, most of the people who didn't bother to verify the story are excited—and literally thanking God, in some cases—that "disrespectful," "ignorant," "narcissistic" "racist"(?!) Kanye isn't going to be on their TVs anymore.

Like most racists though, these people are incredibly stupid.  Does anyone with any intelligence at all realize the fact that the one person who has the ability and gall to bring some life to all these fucking dead award shows will never be banned due to that fact.  Just ask yourself this:  Would nearly as many people have given a fuck about the Grammys this year if not for Kanye?  The answer is a resounding no, just in case you are an idiot.

There are going to be a lot of terrible character, sad white people watching this year's VMAs.  But hey, fuck them.  Fuck them so hard.

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Watch Jon Stewart Break Your Heart By Announcing His Departure From The Daily Show

Well what the hell are we all going to do now?

This is everyone right now times 1000.
Jon Stewart's plans to end his long run as host of Comedy Central's The Daily Show emerged earlier today—he even acknowledged that viewers already knew something his live audience at the taping didn't—but watching him make the announcement really makes the news seem real. Here's how Stewart delivered the news.




Here's the thing, Jon Stewart always had a magical way to work through the anger and frustration and ridiculousness and wrongdoings of politics and people. Whatever awful thing had happened, you could watch him and even though the problem didn't get better, you at least could work through it and just go "Yeah, somebody fucking gets it." And he didn't just do it by going "Fuck you! You're Bad!" he did it by actually breaking things down and explaining to you why they were fucked up.  Not to mention doing it in a hilarious and incredibly smart way.

Change is hard, and this change is really hard.  It seems right now that after 17 quick years, he is just as irreplaceable as he ever was.

Good luck to you Jon, but boy, this one hurts. 

DOOM Mod Replaces Sounds With Man's Mouth

DOOM is awesome.  One of the best games ever made and still fun to play today.  One of the reasons it holds up so well is because over the decades of it's life on PC, people have made some awesome and also dumb (in the best way) mods for it.

Now there is a new one that falls in the latter category of mods (the dumb ones) and it's the perfect way to turn an otherwise grim, brutal game about slaughtering demons goofy as hell.  And it involves something you probably already do anyway: gun mouth sounds.

BANG!


Submitted by user mallo to Doomworld last week, the "Greatest sound wad ever" replaces each in-game sound effect with mallo's, well, own sound effects. Here's some in-game footage,recorded by Rock Paper Shotgun, to show you what it's like:






Great stuff. If you want more, you can grab the mod from here, and maybe check out the similar mod Half-Life 2 got a few years back.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Hey Man, Don't Kick That Robot Dog

Boston Dynamics, better known as the people you will curse for being responsible for bringing about the robot apocalypse, have done it again.  They have made another robot dog, and this one can get into houses.  Enjoy your nightmares forever!

Not in MY DAMN HOUSE!


The first time I saw the above gif (via Super Punch), I laughed, not at the "animal cruelty", but mostly because I could imagine this guy's business card actually saying "robot dog kicker".

But then you watch it over, and over, and over. And even after the "animal cruelty" angle has worn off because you realize it is a damn robot and not a dog, you start to imagine what happens after the gif cuts off. Like, this spindly robot dog, able to correct its balance in such a fast and natural way, decides "fuck this", and launches itself at the guy, tearing him apart.

Of course, as you can see in the full video below, that's not what happens.

Well, yet...





The "dog" is this time not simply called Small Dog like it's rather plainly named compatriot Big Dog, but is called Spot.  It is designed to operate indoors, outdoors, and over "rough terrain."  Like the thousands of human skulls it will one day have to traverse on it's human slaughtering sorties. 

In all seriousness though, it looks super impressive. For every time we laugh at an expensive robot falling over, there's something like this that reminds us just how sci-fi our contemporary existence really is.

And along with that, how closer we are to robot murdering.

The NWA Movie Has A Trailer And Now You Can Watch It

It is here ladies and original gangstas.  The movie that must, just must be good or our nation just might not be able to withstand it, quite literally.

After the trailer for N.W.A.’s biographical movie Straight Outta Compton was teased a few weeks ago, the entire official red band trailer for F. Gary Gray-directed film has been released.  The most incendiary, high profile, and absolute fucking badass rap group of all time has a movie and thus has an official trailer which you can watch right now. Again, please Gods and Goddesses of Moviedom, let this one be good. We really need it to be.

LOOK AT THESE GUYS.  THEY DESERVE A MOVIE THAT IS INCREDIBLE.


As for the trailer itself, it covers a wide scope of N.W.A.’s career; you can see glimpses of what appears to be Ice Cube running up in the Ruthless Records office with baseball bats, Suge Knight and others allegedly running up on Eazy-E in the studio, N.W.A.’s infamous arrest for performing “Fuck Tha Police,” and more. What I am saying here is, if it is anything close to what actually happened in the late 80's and early 90's on this scene, then there is no way this one could possibly be bad.

The beginning of the trailer features a foreword from Ice Cube and Dr. Dre while driving around Compton, talking to the likes of The Game and Kendrick Lamar about the impact of the legendary group. Cube and Dre were both involved with the movie, which gives me so much hope.

Check it out:






Fuck tha police.

Monday, February 9, 2015

The Grammys Happened Last Night

Last night you were probably already busy, and didn't have any time to watch the 57th annual Grammy Awards.  After all, AMC had Walking Dead and Better Call Saul back to back!

So incase you missed out, here are some quick things that went down, and what you need to know to fake it around whatever the equivalent of a water cooler is at your job today.

The show came to us all "live" from Los Angeles this year, which meant that perennial and now for all time ever host LL Cool J got to do a cringeworthy version of his "Going Back to Cali" even though everybody was already in Cali.

AC/DC opened the show, and here's what explains their performance:



Seriously though, it was pretty good.  Especially the part where they played "Highway to Hell" and everybody got out their assigned devil horns, because it allowed for this moment:



Then the show began in full, which means that there were barely any awards given out and a shitload of performances.  A whopping 21 in all.  There were so many performances that some performers had to introduce other ones right after they were done (looking at you Ed Sheeran).

The performances themselves were spanning the gamut of good (Ed Sheeran with ELO, Kanye (2 TIMES),  Usher doing Stevie Wonder:




And ridiculously bad: Fucking Adam Levine and Gwen Stefani doing Maroon 5, Hozier with Annie Lennox for some reason (although Annie kilt it), Peanut butter covered marble mouth Ariana Grande...

There were even the most cringeworthy stuff that you expect from the Grammys.  Like Pharrell's new hat, and insistence to perform the song that everybody wanted to hear in the most terrible way:




 He will now forever be known as GRAND BUDAPEST PHARRELL.

Pharrell went and redeemed himself though, as he judged Taylor Swift's constant dancing in the most wonderful way.

...white people...
Other stupid moments that always happen at the Grammys?  They pretended to be all about music and music teachers again by "honoring" them.  Which means actually doing nothing to help, and not contributing any money, but giving all those music programs that are struggling a big "thumbs up!"

They also honored a Beatle, George Harrison this time, because it is not a Grammys if a Beatle is not honored.  Despite the fact that when you do it every fucking year, it loses any and all meaning.

As for the winners, the big ones were Sam Smith, who got Record of The Year, Best New Artist, and something else I cannot remember.  Anyway, he won the most.

As for Album of the Year, it went to Beck, and not Beyonce, which was not what Kanye West, who was in the building expected.  Can you guess what happened next America?!

Boom. Kanye Bomb!

Lucy, he did it again! Kinda.  He didn't say anything this time, probably remembering that fateful 2009 moment in this 2015 moment.  He did however, succeed in horrifying Beyonce again.





 It was cool though. Just a fakeout.  He did though have something to say afterwards.  Hint: It was ridiculous (even for a Yeezus stan like me).

Best moment though, Prince was there and he summed up the whole event in one look as only he can.

Please everyone, make this a meme now.


All hail the Purple One.

See you soon for The Oscars!