Saturday, January 31, 2015

Gorillaz Are Back Baby

While Mr. Blur himself Damon Alburn has hinted for months, now it is really official everyone:  Gorillaz, quite possibly the most unique band of all time (given the fact that all the members are cartoons, well, along with the music) is back y'all.

Nobody should have to go without Murdoc in their lives.

Alburn confirmed that the animated band helmed by himself and artist Jamie Hewllet, would be reuniting in the near future to work on a follow-up to the group's 2011 album The Fall. Today, Hewllet posted artwork of fictional band members Murdoc and Noodle to his Instagram, leading curious fans to speculate on whether a reunion was in the works. Hewlett responded to a fan's query, "Yes Gorillaz Returns".

Props to Alburn for realizing he should stop wasting his time with Blur reunions and shitty solo albums, and just get back to work.

So be on the lookout for more animated hijinks, hologram shows, and Bruce Willis cameo videos.  Satanist hedonist Murdoc, innocent Noodle, maudlin 2D, and possessed Russel are coming to some ears near you soon enough.

In the meantime, remind yourself why this is awesome, just incase you are fool enough to have forgotten:













Rad.

Friday, January 30, 2015

Your (Bootleg) Game of Thrones Trailer Is Here

The final two episodes of Game of Thrones season four were screened in IMAX theaters all across the country last night. But that’s in the past, man: a fan recorded the brand-new trailer for season five, and even though the quality’s not great, it’s still A BRAND-NEW TRAILER FOR SEASON FIVE.

It's got pretty much everything you could want.  Soldiers, fighting, intrigue, ominous voiceovers!  It also has everything you didn't know you wanted but now have: Tyrion with a beard(!), badass Arya(!), David Bowie's "Heroes!"  Also this guy:

Still knows nothing.

It also raises just as many questions.  Is Vaerys backing Daenerys?  Is Littlefinger gonna do something good?  What will Jon Snow learn, if anything?  One thing is for sure though: Even in cellphone quality, this damn thing looks good.  




Come on HBO, April 14th cannot come soon enough. Just give us one episode now...

Our Video Game Future Is Nigh

The future.  Who knows what it will hold for us all?  What will become of us in the upcoming decades of the 21st century?

Video games are the answer.  Video games know:

Don't worry, there's a better link below...

Turns out the answer is a whole lot of apocalypses, aliens, robots, and the humans holding on.

Norbert Demeter made this awesome infographic, putting all the future locations of sci-fi game universes in a single timeline. We're in for a rough ride, and one that doesn't make much sense now, but if Nintendo can cram disparate events into some kind of canon, I'm sure one of you can work the same magic here.

Just get yourself a gun, of the laser persuasion if possible, and start stockpiling cans of beans.  You'll thank me later.

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Dad's Prank On Daughter Backfires Completely

Fed up with his teenage daughter repeatedly stealing his favorite cookies, no matter where in the house he tried to hide them, a British dad concocted a plan for revenge. While searching her room for signs of his missing snacks, he found she had a special stash of her own—a bottle of foul, store-brand vodka. Only one thing to do, the vengeful dad wrote on Reddit:

Ha! I thought to myself.. Steal my cookies will ya? Right, two can play at that game. So I emptied the contents of the bottle into an empty bottle I had and replaced it with water and screwed the top back on tightly and slipped it back into her bag. I chuckled to myself at the thought of the disappointment that she and her friends would be experiencing in a few short hours.

A good prank, harmless and an adequate revenge for his lost cookies right?  All the dad had to do was wait, and his daughter would soon get her comeuppance, only this post on Reddit was found in the TIFU subreddit, which to any Reddit amateur is familiar.  You see, the acronym here is Today I Fucked Up...usually followed by whatever the user did that was wrong. So the prank, you might notice probably didn't go swimmingly.

Oh it gets good.


Perhaps, you may be thinking, the placebo effect rendered the bottle of water just as effective an intoxicant as the nearly-undrinkable alcohol it replaced? That would have been funny, but that trick works better on people who already a little drunk. What actually happened was even better:

That evening, I waited for her call but there was not a peep. The next day, when she came back, I asked her how her evening had gone. "Oh," she replied, "it was weird… we had some vodka but when we drank it, it was water!" Grinning to myself but giving her my very serious dad's face, I asked what they had done. "Well," she said, "we just took it back to Tescos and they replaced it with a new bottle for us!"

Now is that customer service, or is that customer service? 

Seems unlikely right? That this could be another Reddit fib just to get a chance to be on that oh so popular front page. Well, the father went beyond the call, and even posted the letter, yes a follow-up apology letter that his daughter received from Tesco. Complete with a promise that there would be an investigation into the faulty batch of Imperial vodka:



Well, damn.


AOTW: Do Not Call 911 Over Facebook

Welcome back to The Asshole of The Week, where each Friday (and sometimes Thursday) we highlight a person(s), place, or thing from the week that is the absolute worst.  Oh boy, do we have a doozy this week everyone.

Facebook, whether you love or hate it, you probably use it every single day. It is ubiquitous, and has for some become the de facto place for social interaction, or social diarrhea of the brain.  A part of this is based on it's dependability.  Facebook rarely, if ever, goes down.

However, when it does, like this past Monday, people lose their fucking minds.  Well, dumbasses do.

CBS San Francisco report(s) that shortly after the service stopped working, not one, not two, but FIVE PEOPLE called 911.  Gonna write that previous sentence again, in bold italics this time for emphasis.

CBS San Francisco report(s) that shortly after the service stopped working, not one, not two, but FIVE PEOPLE called 911. 

Do I really need to tell you why this is a bad idea?!

Here's the thing, you call 911 when your house has a large amount of fire inside of it.  You call 911 when someone is trying to murder your person.  You call 911 when people around you who were previously living life well all of a sudden appear to not be alive anymore.  That's what 911 is for.  You call a person and tell them what terrible thing has befallen you, and put your or someone else's life in jeopardy and they send the appropriate people who will (hopefully) take your or someone else's life out of danger for you.  This means police, firemen, paramedics.  911 is not an employer of computer science degree holders.    

"Our lines are [sic] dedicated to handle life and death calls, and even though Facebook is important to a lot of people, it's not a matter of life and death when it stops working," a dispatcher told CBS (via Boing Boing). "One caller even called back to tell me I was being rude because I told her it wasn't a life threatening emergency."

Now, I am not one to usually go with a snarky response to situations like this.  However, in this situation, and after reading the quote above, I feel one is screaming to be employed.  This should be our new rule as a nation:  Go ahead and call 911 when Facebook is down,  call when dog won't stop drinking the toilet water, call when your Subway sandwich is incorrectly put together.

However, there will now be a rule.  If you call with is what is deemed to be a non-emergency, which, let's be honest, is pretty easy to decide then that's it for you for a year.  For one calendar year thereafter, no 911 call will be accepted from your phone.  Go ahead, call when you forgot your wallet at work, but know that if you happen to have a heart attack the next week, you my friend are SOL.

This will either weed out some people who shouldn't be here anyway, or make people question if their clogged toilet really is a police matter.

Anyway, whoever you are five people who called 911 over Facebook being shutdown, you are all the worst assholes and thus The Asshole(s) of The Week.  Congratulations, you fucking idiots.



Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Here Is What Happens When You Hit The New Ford F-150 With A Sledgehammer

Ford has a new flagship truck for 2015, which happens to be the same truck it had in 2014, the F-150. On the whole people seem to like it, just like they did last year. However, this new model has something different about it, that of course has set the Internet on fire.  The new F-150 is made entirely of aluminum.

Now, for people who don't care about cars, aluminum is light.  Aluminum is much lighter than steel, and thus has for years been combined with carbon fiber, another light material, to build high performance cars.  Lighter body=better performance from just about everything else on the cars.

You would think truck owners, and potential truck owners would want something like this.  But no, they do not.  You see aluminum is seen as being weaker because it is lighter, and thus the potential owners of the new F-150 are upset.  Until now all they could do was speculate.  That's until the good people at Edmunds.com decided to step up and smash the hell out of one of the new light body vehicles.

However, this isn't just being done for funsies, but for the sake of research. The editors of Edmunds.com have finally posted what skeptics of the aluminum-bodied 2015 Ford F-150 have been demanding: An independently sanctioned bludgeoning of the truck's quarter panel. Here's how it held up.

The quarter panel was targeted (as opposed to a door or bumper) because it'll be one of the more difficult body parts to replace... what I'm really interested in seeing is what kind of bill the Ford dealership comes back with after patching up the damage. Of course, we'll have to wait for "Part II" to see how that goes.





Smashing stuff, never not fun.

Thanks for the effort Edmunds.

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Dogs Are Disappearing In Texas

It sounds like a bad Stephen King premise, but this horror story is actually happening to some southern pet owners. At least 40 dogs have mysteriously gone missing since November in a small North Texas town, but authorities say they have no idea who is taking them or why.

Perhaps it is a Wishbone type situation.

Dozens of residents reported their dogs vanishing from front yards and porches across Wise County, Texas, where authorities are reportedly baffled by the disappearances.

There's no physical evidence so far, and the only apparent clue is a strange car that someone reported the same day a dog went missing in the neighborhood. But police say they still don't have any suspect descriptions or specific vehicle details.

The town sheriff, David Walker, tells WFAA he's concluded the disappearances could be "suspicious."  Clearly he is some sort of comic book police chief, often more baffled than not.

"It does have some eyebrows raised. Could they be using them in dog fights? I guess that's possible. Selling them on some sort of social media sites or Craigslist or something like that."

The owners say they hope their pets are at least living with new families.

Fantastic Four Is Coming To Theatres (Again)

Marvel's first family is coming to the silver screen.  For the third time, they are gonna try to make what is essentially a stretchy man, a giant rock, an invisible woman, and a man who is on fire, cool for people to enjoy.  Despite failing twice already.  At least this time there is no Jessica Alba...

Oooooh....that's fantastic!

The very first teaser for this summer's Fantastic Four movie just hit this morning, showing off a slicker, more sci-fi-centric look for younger versions of Reed Richards and his band of explorers.

The film is being directed by Josh Trank, the director of 2012's deconstructed superhero movie Chronicle. Which is a good thing, because Chronicle was good, even for a found footage movie.

This version of the FF has come in for some criticism as it's developed, with everything from the casting of Michael B. Jordan as Johnny Storm because people are still racist out there (which is fucking ridiculous because he is awesome) to the supposed re-invention of Victor Von Doom. A big mistake. We'll see how it all turns out this summer.




The Fantastic Four is pretty silly, but they do have one thing that is unequivocally awesome.  Like many superheroes, their main badguy is the best, one of the best in the Marvel universe.  Hint: Here's how to make a cool Fantastic Four movie, just have plenty of this guy:

AWWWWWW SHIT.

Which if you click on the link above, seems like they already massively fucked up.  Dr. Doom as a computer programmer?!  No.  He is a fucking badass in a metal suit that is the ruler of a country and uses science and magic to fuck people up.  How do you mess that up?!

So...see you for the fourth try in a few years?  At least that will be kinda fitting...

#Don'tFuckUpDrDoom





Monday, January 26, 2015

Someone Just Paid $128,000 For A Playstation 4

I bought a PS4 a little over a month ago.  I paid the asking price of $400, and it even came with a free game.  Hours ago another person also bought a PS4, only this time they paid $128,000 for it.  And no, it didn't come with a free anything.

Let's back up for a minute though.  2015 marks the 20th anniversary for Sony's Playstation division.  To celebrate this milestone and four iterations of home video game consoles, Sony decided to release a special version of their newest powerhouse: The Playstation 4.  The 20th anniversary edition console was a limited number batch of consoles that matched the original color scheme of the first Playstation.  Complete with matching controller and multi-colored Playstation logo.

Notice the resemblance?

People ate it up.  The individually numbered consoles of which there was only a one time batch of 12,300, were sold out almost immediately.  But one question remained: Who would get the number one console?

Well, someone who has an extra $128,000 it turns out.

Sony held a charity auction online in Japan for the first serialized anniversary console (it's number one out of 12,300). The auction recently came to a close, drawing 1,585 bids with the winning one coming in at 15,135,000 yen—or US$128,086. Wowzers. That's a lot.

Still think they should have gotten a free game...

But it wasn't all a savage display of consumption and someone who has much more wealth than sense. As mentioned previously, all proceeds will go to Save the Children Japan, with Sony matching the amount raised by the console. That's a lot of match. 

Video games.  They sure are pricey.

Dog of The Sea Meets Dog of The Land

So it's a slow news day so far, but here is something from the animal kingdom though.

Seals are the dogs of the sea, as dogs are the seals of the land. This Tumblr user understandsthat. This video shows a meeting between one such sea dog and a land seal.

Don't try to tell me this isn't a dog without proper feet.


What happens when a land dog meets a sea dog?   What mysteries of nature are solved when the land dwelling man's best friend meets his nautical counterpart?  Not a lot, really, but it's nice watching these two dogs (of the land and sea, respectively) hang out.





See?  No need for alarm.  No cause for panic.  Just two ol' dogs reunited.  Just two dogs hanging out here, nothing more to see everybody.  Doesn't matter that one might not be able to catch a frisbee very well, that a dog it does not unmake.

However, as fun as it is seeing these dogs meet (on the land, it so happens), it's important not to get it twisted: Land seals belong on the land and sea dogs belong in the sea.

No need to get crazy here.  Let the seals enjoy their fish, and the dogs enjoy their...whatever it is they decide to eat on a given day.

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Burger King Confuses A Chicken Sandwich With $2,600

Ugh, Burger King messed up a New Hampshire woman's order again this week, putting a $2,631 cash drop in her bag instead of the Spicy Crispy Chicken Jr. and sweet tea she asked for.

But I already have money!

Janelle Jones first noticed the mistake—which is just so typical—when she was driving home and saw there was no food in her bag, just a couple bank deposit bags and a $100 bill.

And no, Jones didn't try to keep the money. From the Associated Press:

[Husband] Matthew Jones says the couple briefly considered keeping the money, which they certainly could have used. But he says he and his wife are Jehovah's Witnesses, and that "Jehovah sees everything."

After she returned the cash, the store's manager offered Jones five free meals, which, with her luck, will probably all be stupid diamonds or gold bullion or something.


FUNDAY: No Introduction Needed

Welcome back to Funday ladies and germs!  The Internet collection article that is weekly posted to begin your week with a smile on that little face of yours.  This week we have some gems as usual, so let's get into it and not waste your precious time.

There was gonna be an intro here, but then this appeared on the beautiful Internet:



If you don't know about Body Count or Suicidal Tendencies, I cannot help you, you fucking millennial.  However, if you do, you probably have a huge smile on your face right now.  That's better than any drivel I could right, so let's go!

Get ready and get out there and tackle that week!  Remember, no matter what happens, it could always be worse.

A whale could shit all over you...
Keep that in mind.

Sounds

Charli XCX f/Rita Ora

This is like Gaga's "Telephone" video but if instead it featured two British babes and was directed by Harmony Korine.  So it's awesome.  Not just for the setting, but mainly because it features Charli hanging out at white trash swimming pools while wearing a cowboy hat.  It's official, I can never stop until she decides to marry me.  She even makes Rita Ora tolerable, and message to the world: Stop trying to make Rita Ora happen.  It is just never gonna fly.






Deniro Farrar

I have asked this before, but...HOW IS THIS GUY NOT MORE FAMOUS BY NOW?!  Makes entirely no sense to me.






Alvaro Diaz

Just a few years ago Puerto Rico didn't have a Hip Hop scene.  Sure, there were reggaeton acts, and artists from Puerto Rico, but it didn't have it's own sound.  That is until this 25-year-old showed up and started to blend the reggaeton, rap, and R&B around him.  Proof that a hot song is a hot song, no matter what language it may be in.  Check for this dude, he's got it.






Schwarz Don't Crack

Man, the groove on this.  The groove.  The grooove.  The GROOOOOVE.  GROOOOOOOOOOVE.






Riff Raff

Warning, your monthly Riff Raff update inbound.  Warning.  Yes, those are aquaberry bangs that he is rocking.  Riff, never change.






BADBADNOTGOOD & Ghostface Killah f/DOOM

This is pretty much just about everything that I hold dear in this wonderful world.  Not many people have one music video they can say that about, but I do thanks to these individuals.  






Sights

Top NBA Bloopers of 2014

No matter how bad you may feel right now, watching these super-human millionaires make fools of themselves will at least make you feel a little bit better.





Real Life Pac Man

Real life Pac Man should be available every day, not just as part of a Super Bowl commercial.  Especially not just part of a Super Bowl commercial for the shittiest beer ever made.  





Next Level Archery

Get a damn history lesson on archery while watching a european dude do things that are simultaneously amazing and cringeworthy.  Impressively embarrassing, and informative as well.  The level of entertainment that all YouTube videos should aspire to.





NFL 2015 Bad Lip Reading

Warning: Don't eat or drink while watching this.  You will choke from the amount of laughter.  Safety first when consuming hilarious Internet videos children.  Safety is always first.





BONUS CLIP






See you next week.  Remember, keep away from the rear of whales in the meantime.

Friday, January 23, 2015

Classic Video Games Inspire New Classic Ridiculousness

Classic video games.  They became classic for a reason right?  Some of those past generation hits just instilled so many precious moments onto your young mind that you continue to hold them dear.  Like  in one of the best games ever made, Street Fighter II, where you get to use a martial artist millionaire playboy to beat up a car in a bonus stage...with your damn bare hands.




Or, in a totally different but equally classic game, you get to witness perhaps the funniest sound bite ever put to 16 bits...after beating up a car.




So clearly, video games are awesome.  Way cooler than real life, obviously.  But what happens when video games transcend into real life?  When the car is a real car, that needs to be beaten by a person's fists?

Well, my friends, what happens is you find the best subset of the Internet on YouTube.

Fuck that car!

Tough? Wasteful? Dull? A handful of martial arts types try their luck at a real-life version ofStreet Fighter's bonus stage.

How about none of the above?!

People are out here yo, and they are beating up cars.

They are beating them on Japanese game shows.




They are kicking the shit outta them in nondescript garages, possibly in eastern Europe.




Don't forget the beatdowns happening in Brazilian dumps.




Cars, what did they ever do for you?  Nothing!

Now if only they can figure out how to shoot fireballs out of their hands...

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Men Beware: Science Reveals The Easiest Way To Break Your Penis

Ask any man you know about "penile fracture" and they will, before passing out, let you know that it is indeed very possible to break your penis.  And like most things that are awful, it most often it happens at one of the most enjoyable times, in the bounds of love making.


"I really want to...but I am also terrified."

However, thanks to some wonderful Brazilian scientists, we now know the most dangerous way to make love with regards to the risk of penis injury. Turns out, If you’re one of those types who complains about the classic missionary position, you might also be a huge risk taker and not even know it.

The clearly important (to anyone with a hangdown) study out of Brazil has cited missionary as the least dangerous of all the sexual positions when it comes to the dreaded “penile fracture,” perhaps the most painful and humiliating of all bedroom injuries. The most dangerous? Another staple: woman on top, i.e., “Cowgirl.”

Let's have science explain:

“Scientists say this may be because the woman controls the penis with her entire body weight landing on it and is unable to interrupt it when it suffers a ‘wrong way penetration’. The harm is usually minor for her and with no pain – but major in the penis.”

Much like a relationship eh?  One partner hurts the other, and they don't even know it.  Although with this particular situation, it will be pretty evident due to the ear-piercing screams of pain.

50 percent of the men who reported to the hospital with a cracked cock said that they (make sure you are sitting down fellas) actually heard it break, and felt pain immediately after.  Really?  Pain you say? 

So gentlemen, next time your lady wants to try something new and exciting in the bedroom, just say okay...but remind them...that they need to possibly factor in a round of emergency surgery. 

The indignity of this potential injury is never too great for a little wet slappin' in the dark, just be prepared.

Japanese Man's Paper Craft Spaceships Will Blow You Away

Some people are just put on this earth to amaze us. To do the unbelievable with their skills in creativity.  One particular Japanese man can do it just with paper and some science-fiction spacecraft.

This is one of the most amazing craftsmen I have ever seen. He doesn't only make the exterior of his sci-fi ships using just paper but also the guts! The level of detail is amazing—some look like perfect resin models but it's only paper. Behold the X-Wing, TIE Interceptor, Viper Mk2, 2001's Orion and many more!

X-Wing



Viper Mk2 From Battlestar Galactica



TIE Interceptor



Aries From 2001



Orion From 2001



AT-ST



Endurance From Interstellar



Wow.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

One Image Will Show You How Talented The Simpsons Actors Are

The voice actors on The Simpsons get paid.  So much so that when the show hit ratings woes (what is wrong with people nowadays?) the whole cast took a pay cut to keep it on the air.

The thing is though, they don't get big money just because they've been on the air for over 25 years.  They get paid because it turns out, there are some god damn talented voice actors that voice your favorite yellow skinned Springfieldians.

All it takes is one picture to show you:

Dan Castellaneta doing Santa's Little Helper is the best.

Over one hundred characters in The Simpsons are voiced by twelve very talented people—and here's a breakdown of who does what.

The image, which comes from @Jishai, might not be a surprise for hardcore Simpsons fans, but it's still fun to see everything laid out like this. Speaking as one of those, it is not, but man is it good to have to settle all those late night Simpsons voice actor assignment conversations I have had.

Compare to the cast of South Park, which is primarily voiced by four people:

Trey gets all the good characters....




Dan Castallaneta and Trey Parker are gettin' it.

Man Falls Into Garbage Truck And Is Saved By Trash Coffin

A man who accidentally fell into the back of a dump truck reportedly survived the garbage ordeal by building himself a trash coffin.


Which is also coincidentally the name of my new punk band.

The man told cops he had been inside a dumpster looking for his wallet when the entire thing was dumped into the back of a garbage truck bound for—no joke—Yolo County, CA.  Sure buddy.  Sure you weren't in there just eating all you can of that sweet sweet garbage?

Also, "Yolo County?!"  Perhaps he was just living by the county mandate.  Never been in a business end of a garbage truck for a sweet ride?  Well, we are in the right county. YOLO!

To protect himself from suffocating in the wet tangled trash nightmare, he maneuvered pieces of lumber around himself to "build a coffin."  Thereby forever putting meaning to the "put 'em in a coffin" meme.  In fact, he is now an innovator.

"The man said he was stuck in the truck for about an hour, but estimates show it was more like 3 or 3 1/2 hours," Lt. Martin Torres of the Yolo County Sheriff's Office told reporters. "The truck made several other pick-ups before arriving at the landfill, where the driver saw the man crawl out of his trash pile."  Apparently trash coffins must be comfortable, so much so that you don't want to get out of them despite the truck stopping multiple times.

He was eventually rescued when the truck dumped its load at the Yolo County landfill, where the operator noticed him flopping around in the trash.

"He was lucky the truck was only half full," Torres said. "Had it been full, he would have certainly been crushed and suffocated to death."  Yes, lucky is the word.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

2015 Video Game Trailer Is The Most 90's Thing Ever

Ladies and gentlemen, this is how you make a video game trailer.  Especially if your video game needs funding on Kickstarter, and thus needs desperately to stand out.

Fucking EXTREME!

Blood! Guts! Angry brothers! Screaming parents who just don't understand! While there's some tangible Kickstarter fatigue in video games right now, a good pitch is a good pitch, and Strafe's making an awfully strong argument for why it should have your attention.

If you were one of those people who were born in the 90's you may not have any idea why this is so pitch-perfect and hilarious to people a decade or so older than you.  But trust us, it is pretty much the best.  






Strafe describes itself as the "fastest, bloodiest, deadliest, most adjective-abusing, action-packed first-person shooter of 1996," and has the Geocities-era official website to back up its claims.

Just bask in it's glory:

Help, I have been punched in the stomach by nostalgia!

You see kids, this is what the Internet was like before your social networks, GIF's, and video players.  Where you would spend a 24 hour period downloading so that you could watch a 30-second clip of a game whose player was the size of a postage stamp.

Oh, and as for the trailer, pretty much nails what video game commercials in the ridiculous decade that was the 90's looked like every single time.  Don't believe it?  

Here you go:






Strafe is directly pulling from DOOM, Quake, and other fast-as-hell shooters from a bygone era. There might be a story buried somewhere in Strafe, but something tells me it doesn't matter. You're here to blow stuff up as much as possible and as fast as possible. Sounds good to me!

The game's looking to raise $185,096 in the next 29 days, and should release in "early" 2016.


All Your Mecha Dreams Come True

Imagine this scenario:  You log onto Amazon, intending on purchasing a brand new coffee mug that is themed in some way towards your interests (Batman/Robocop preferably).  Before you do, you naturally decide to check out your recommendations, as people do.  You scroll down and....OH MY GOD YOU CAN BUY A GIANT ROBOT ON AMAZON FOR $1 MILLION!

You then decide to dedicate your life to obtaining one million dollars for which to buy a giant Japanese robot.


Hey, it might even be on sale by that time.


For a long time now you can get whatever you need on Amazon's increasing list of products available, and now that list apparently includes giant ridiculous robots.  And if you don't need a giant robot, you aren't living life right.

This monstrosity, which looks like a cross between an ED-209 and a Transformer, is named Kuratas and of course, it comes from Japan. Kuratas can freely move around, fire off bottle rockets and fireworks and has 6,000 round-per-minute BB-gun, which is controlled by the user’s smile. Yes, you read that last part right.

The future, ladies and gentle men, is now.

Hold your breath, because here are some videos:














Kuratas can be custom built and costs 120 million yen, or a little over one million American greenbacks.

Before you ask, no it is not available for Super Saver Shipping.  Thanks for nothing Amazon Prime.

Monday, January 19, 2015

Stan Lee Makes His K-Pop Debut

Executive, creative genius, movie star, Stan Lee has done it all it seems.

With everything he has accomplished, you may have been wondering when Stan Lee would finally add "K-Pop Video Vixen" to his resume.  Well, no need to speculate anymore.  It took him to the tender age of 92 to make it, but he's done it by god.

Somehow, we all knew he was a fan.




As tipster Sang points out, Lee makes a special guest appearance in Clara's new music video "Gwiyomi Song 2." You might remember the original from a few years back. Probably not though.

Star News (via Sang) reports that Clara met Lee while visiting the U.S. for a series of meetings. She asked Lee if he would appear in the video, and he said, "yes." So here we are!

Check it out:





Skip to 4:11 for the Lee goodness, as he appears during the credits.  And yes, apparently some music videos have credits.  Well, they do if they have a chance to put Stan Lee in them.

The video has racked up over half a million views on YouTube as well as 1,800 likes and, ahem, around 2,600 dislikes.  Seriously?  The man created Spiderman!  You cannot dislike that!

Man Squashed Between Semis and All He Got Was This Picture

For most of the 100 or so people involved in Saturday's massive highway accident in Eastern Oregon, the 26-car pileup was surely a harrowing ordeal, but one man found a cute new place amidst all the chaos, wedged safely between two big rigs.

After his four-door pickup was rendered a zero-door pancake by two semi-trucks, Kaleb Whitby didn't have much choice but to wait for help, which finally came (as it so often does these days) with a request for pics.

Okay, that's enough with the pictures please.

From Road & Track:

Truck driver Sergi Karplyuk's semi was halted by the two trucks that pinned Whitby. Karplyuk got out to survey the scene and discovered Whitby's mangled vehicle jammed in between. The trucker confirmed that Whitby, astonishingly, was unharmed. He asked if he could snap a picture of Whitby, capturing the terrifying image you see above. Then he helped Whitby escape the wreck, and they went to work helping others caught in the pileup.



Sadly though, it wasn't all laughs and pics for Whitby.

"I've got two Band-Aids on my right ring finger," he told The Oregonian. "And a little bit of ice on my left eye."

So there, your worst fear will totally happen, and you just have to hope you are as lucky as this dude.

Sunday, January 18, 2015

It's Time To Get Excited About Lil Wayne Again

Remember this?

And yeah I’m a bear like black and white hair, so I’m polar
And they can’t get on my system cause my system is the solar
I am so far from the OHthers, I meant others
I just eat them for supper, get in my spaceship and hover

Phone Home”? Tha Carter III, seven years ago, platinum the week it came out, first time that had happened in three years, new classic, hardly a bad or boring moment, two beats by Kanye, Jay-then-hyphen-Z passing the torch in “Mr. Carter”? No? Remember this instead, then:





Released a year before Tha Carter III,  Da Drought 3 mixtape is still what some hold as the height of the career of one of rap's most unique personas.  In the somewhat nebulous period between the red hot Carter II and the incredibly anticipated sequel, Wayne was dubbing himself "The Best Rapper Alive" and he was pretty right about that.

Go back and listen, I dare you.

Regardless of how you think about him now, the fact of the matter is that at that period Lil Wayne was amazing! Just a few years ago, he really was. He was the most exciting and interesting megawatt musician alive, and he was on fire after three mind-boggling mixtapes. Then Tha Carter III gave way to a weak mixtape, a great mixtape, a gruesome rock record, a tepid, intensely Drake-laden album, and a decent mixtape. Then this happened:





Weezy F. Baby got bored (or stoned, or drained) enough to think he could just flick on the Auto-Tune, sing a shitty pop song, and call it good. From there he was rambling, annoying, and self-mythologizing more with every release, despite the hard reality that the worst part of his career was settling in. The rapper who did Tha Carter III and No Ceilings and the unbelievable aforementioned Da Drought series was gone, and all the new guy was doing was talking about how great he was (mostly at sex instead of rapping, now) anyway. 2013’s I Am Not a Human Being II was a blip — intensely forgettable save for the Future-and-Drake-assisted “Love Me.”

People, being people in the Internet age, were more than happy to write him off.  Refusing to believe that Tha Carter V would ever come out.  Or even if it did, it would land with a thud the way the previous iteration did after the initial sheen of excitement wore off.  

For a while, it seemed like they were right.  It is now mid-January 2015, and it in fact does seem like the next version of Tha Carter might not actually come out.  Cash Money, the label that Wayne helped build and then singlehandedly kept afloat before the megawatt days of Nicki Minaj and Drake, has seemingly, inexplicably turned it's back on it's most stalwart supporter and breadwinner.  With Wayne's most loyal compatriot and self proclaimed "father" Birdman, refusing to release it.  

Wayne once again has found himself at a crossroads of album delays and this time, for the first time, label dramas.  He is stuck, but this time it seems, the lack of comfort has lit a fire again under his dreads.  It's almost as if he finally has time to see what the world really thinks of him, and his catalogue from the last few years.  That he is resigned to do something about it.

Like this:






Do you feel it?  The focus, the fire, the...fun?  It seems like Weezy is enjoying himself, getting back to the roots of what made him want to wow us all by not writing down lyrics anymore.  To not believe he was the best rapper alive but to prove it.  

Next we got this:





From the jump, Drake’s doing that thing he’s always doing on Wayne tracks: building up his boss and staying mostly low-key, unlike his guest verses on literally everyone else’s stuff. Aubrey’s here to sing a boilerplate (but increasingly catchy) hook and to re-canonize Wayne’s greatness. That this is the first instance of Biggest Rapper in the World–era Drake rapping alongside Wayne on a Wayne track somehow encourages you to reconsider Wayne’s powers.

Then Weezy shows up after a suspenseful almost two minutes and zaps any considerations you were working on. He’s just going straight in, bar after bar after bar, spouting that maniac shit you won’t figure out till your dozenth listen. He doesn’t bother us with any gross-out sex-ed vignettes. He mulls matching Ferraris for himself and his daughter. He course-corrects the word sayonara to sayanOra. He drops a lot of aggressively random one-liners I won’t reprint because they’ll seem ridiculous typed out, but trust me, they’re great.
Once again he is poised to release another mixtape to fill the void of the anticipation between his magnum opus series.  This time Sorry for The Wait 2 is dropping on this Tuesday, and for the first time in a long time, it is more than likely gonna be more than worth listening to.  Especially after just yesterday, this appeared:






Yes that is Wayne on iLoveMakkonen's "Maneuvering" beat.  Yes it is a straight knocker.  Yes, Wayne...Lil Wayne...is dropping stuff like:

Tunechi in this bitch, I'm tighter than a pinched nerve, bitch
I didn't answer my phone, I said I couldn't get service
My new nina just told me that she sick of being a virgin

I bet my life when we gamble, y'all shippin' keys
We shippin' grand pianos, I'm in that Lam Diablo
Pew like ammo, I'm gone, two fingers up bitch I'm gone
Rich forever Jerry Jones, I gotta hustle

He's referencing old Redman lines (grand pianos...), he's shouting out old Juvenile, he's dropping super goofball lines (sleeping on chinchilla, boy I'm cozy like a furball).  It's excitement from the man who many had thought ceased to be exciting.  It's cleverness where it seemed apathy only dwelled.  Most of all, it's lively, and actually...fun.

Don't take my word for it though, he will tell you himself: Gotta let em know that Lil Tunechi is still Tunechi bitch!


FUNDAY: No Need To Worry

It's okay.  We understand.  You had a bad week.  Work sucks, your boss is an asshole.

Or maybe you just had a bad weekend.  Once again you and your significant other got drunk and then pointed out each other's flaws in front of everyone at the bar, until you were asked to leave.

It happens.  Part of being a human with feelings means that sometimes you get to experience the bad feelings.  It's fine though, because you have Funday, and Funday has the Internet.

That's right, any way that you ever need to feel better, more inspired, or just generally less sucky can be found right here at your fat sausage fingers.  (Sorry for that insult, you totally don't need that right now.)

For example, need to feel better quickly?  Here you go:






Did that not work for you?  Are you under the opinion that an 11-year-old adorable pixy is too played out for you?  (Boy you are a cynical bastard aren't you?)  Well, don't sweat it.  Perhaps you need to be inspired.

Got you covered on that ground as well:






See?  You get the idea.  Don't be a sad sack, just plug more into the already crippling electronic addiction you have.  Find that joy in another person's videos!  After all, it's what this whole damn series is based on right?

Let's go!

Sounds

Kari Faux

There are times when I desperately wish that the word "swag" wasn't the most overdone/played out thing in the world.  They don't come around often but when they do, I really need that word to be cool again.  This is one of those rare occurrences, when I wish all I had to do was write in huge bold capital letters "swag" and nothing else.






Hot Sugar

Hmm....I would love to be a little (computer generated) kid again.  Searching for clip-art of graves from the comfort of my bedroom.






Purity Ring

They are back up in this bitch y'all!  The duo that continually makes straight hood bangerz (with cutesy pixy vocals) and that is the most unlikely duo to make straight hood bangerz just put out some new music.  







Moon Duo

Sometimes, when you are a pro-skateboarder, you just gotta rip everything that is around.  Everything that is not a skateboard.  Also, the guy's expression at the end of the video is an exact mirror of my own.






Frank Ocean

Frank Ocean singing an Aaliyah cover that is actually a cover in itself of The Isley Brothers.  That is just about everything that is right in the world.  Seriously, other than this guy, there is no album I want to hear most than this young man's.


Sights

We Got This

I can feel it.  2015 is gonna be all about next-level parenting.  The fathers of the future are here.






One of Those Days

Candide Thovex has two things.  1) An awesome name.  2) The most hardcore daily commute of anyone on the damn earth.  Awesome.






Al The Jumper

Meet Al.  He goes by "Al The Jumper."  He loves to jump over things.  In fact, he has made a career out of it.  He jumps over everything, even things that move.  Even things that move at him at 70mph.  Al is cool, and he also may be insane.






Lego Top Gear

Well, there's the coming together of two things in this world that are two of the handful of things that I hold most dear.  Somebody find The Stig's torso would you?






BONUS CLIP





See you next week!

Friday, January 16, 2015

Alternate History Is Coming To Alternate Television On Amazon

He's responsible for Total Recall, Minority Report, Blade Runner, The Adjustment Bureau, Screamers, A Scanner Darkly, and much much more, but you probably have no idea who he is.  Now he has another adaptation coming your way, and boy does it sound cool.

Phillip K. Dick, the writer you might not have heard of but is perhaps the most prolific science fiction writer of all time, as far as classic movies go, is getting another one of his works adapted for your viewing pleasure. Amazon has released the pilot for their series translation of Philip K Dick's novel Man In The High Castle, set in an alternate universe where Germany and Japan won World War II.  For a person who absolutely loves history (me), and thus thinking about/consuming alternate history stories, this is very exciting.

Well, we are in trouble now.

OK, the clips below are a little out of context and some of them are in crappy quality. But you can currently watch the pilot over at Amazon Prime if you are so inclined. The sets are drop-dead gorgeous, the setting is wonderful, and who doesn't love to hate Nazis?  I don't know where it came from, but this revival of alternate history in the mainstream has got me hot.  (Also see Wolfenstein: The New Order, one of last year's best games, and another "Nazis won and it's fucked" stories.













Here's the plot synopsis for you as well:

Based on Philip K. Dick's Hugo Award-winning 1962 alternative history novel, one-hour drama pilot THE MAN IN THE HIGHCASTLE explores what would have happened if the Allied Powers had lost World War II, debuting January 15, 2015 on Amazon Prime Instant Video in the U.S., U.K. and Germany. Some 17 years after that loss, the United States and much of the world has now been split between Japan and Germany, the dominating global powers. As tension mounts between the two hegemonic states, a resistance builds as the United States citizens rise against the oppressive regimes.
 
While Germany controls much of the East Coast and Japan controls the West Coast, the Rocky Mountains have become a "neutral zone" — and ground zero for a rebellion, led by a mysterious figure known only as "the Man in the High Castle." As people struggle with freedom, fear, equality, diversity and ideology, some accept their lives, but others question the authenticity of their history and the government's information. Among them are heroes, leaders, spies, pacifists, tyrants, rebels, enablers and sympathizers.

Cool stuff.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

It Takes 7.5 Hours To Solve This Rubik's Cube

Just look at this thing:

My brain!
I can't even begin to understand how this thing works, let alone how I would even begin to solve it.

Lucky for me Kenneth Brandon (via Geek.com) has done it instead, compressing 7.5 hours of twisting into a 6-minute video.




According to Brandon there are 66.9 quinquaseptuagintacentilliard positions in a 17 by 17 cube, which I'm not sure is even a real word, so let's just say a lot. Apparently, it's not much harder to solve than a normal sized cube, using a reductive method of breaking each 17x17 face into chunks and then solving them in turn. It's "tedious" though, says Brandon.

So you hear that?  It's easy!  Go get your own and get to it!  When you have a free day that is.


AOTW: Maroon 5 Is A Bunch Of Rude Wedding Crashers

Welcome back to The Asshole of The Week, where each Friday (sometimes Thursday) we single out one person, place, or thing from the week that is the absolute worst.  This week we have some perfectly good weddings being ruined by an egomaniacal bunch of fuccbois: Maroon 5

Just in case you are not familiar with Maroon 5, they are a band.  A shitty band, that makes music so forgettable that in 15 years, when their egomaniac singer Adam Levine is old and therefore not desired by society anymore, will be as forgotten as the solo career of JC Chasez.

JT deaded this poor bastard quick.
(As a fun aside here, go do a Google Image search of "JC Chasez."  It's like the place where every embarrassing 90's fashion trend went to die.  It will make your day.)

However, Maroon 5 is the worst kind of shitty band, they are a band that think they are important.  So important, that they should make a music video of themselves "crashing as many weddings" as they can, like people would enjoy that on their wedding day.  No.

Let's say that John Lennon and George Harrison rose from the dead and teamed up with their two living pals only to come crash your wedding for an impromptu jam session, that would be acceptable.  Having a tattooed, television show host who has used enough hair gel to choke a dozen donkeys saunter into your precious nuptials like he is a musical gift to the universe...not as good.

WHO POSES LIKE THIS?!

When Bill Murray recently crashed a wedding everyone loved it because:

  1. He is mother fucking Bill Murray
  2. He was doing it because it was funny to him, not to shoot a music video to promote his product.
  3. People like Bill Murray because he is talented

If Maroon 5 shows up at your wedding, don't let them in.  Being able to do The Chicken Dance with your new husband/wife will be infinitely more interesting than having to hear "Moves Like Jagger" for the 175th time.

Here's the video, probably should watch it on mute.  Preferably with one of those little stress dolls you can squeeze:




Here's a fun thought about the state of music today.  Wouldn't it be funny if just the band of Maroon 5 showed up, and nobody had any clue who they were?  I wonder how many weddings they would crash like that?

Anyway, Maroon 5 sucks, and now there are couples who will in the future think it is a cool thing to brag to their friends about how Adam Levine "totally crashed our wedding and it was like so sweet."  When really their friends will be secretly judging them very hard, and reevaluating in their heads whether or not these people, who are Maroon 5 fans, are worth being friends with.

So congratulations Maroon 5, you are a stupid band of egomaniacs who probably in the future will cost people good friends due to your actions.  You are also the AOTW, especially so for making me break my unwritten rule of never featuring one of your music videos on this blog.  So fuck you extra for that.

Supplemental AOTW for the couples in the video fawning over the band like '94 era Boyz II Men just showed up.  My only explanation for this is that it either was staged, fake, these people are so out of it for this being the day they have to give their life to another person that they are so happy to have even a moment of distraction from a B list celebrity, or these people are obviously Maroon 5 fans and thus should not be allowed to marry lest more Maroon 5 fans be conceived in their union.

See you next week.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Four-Year-Old Kid Might Be Reincarnated Bruce Lee

You like Bruce Lee.  I like Bruce Lee.  Everybody likes Bruce Lee.  Everybody liked Bruce Lee.  I mean the man is responsible for the career of Chuck Norris.  So in a way, without him there would have never been Walker: Texas Ranger.

Think about that for a minute.

However, like most people who seemed too awesome for the time they lived in, we lost him, way too early.  He only got to make a handful of films, most of which became instantly classics.  Also one of which was The Chinese Connection.  Which at this point if you haven't seen, go ahead and go watch then come back.

For the decades after his untimely passing, we have been able to enjoy his mastery of martial arts on the silver screen, but now things have changed.  That's because the spirit of the dragon has lived on, inside a tiny Taiwanese boy.  A boy that is still in pre-school, and can do this:

Tiny nunchaku, check.  Tiny Game of Death suit, check.  Adult sized level of fury, check.


Could you do this when you were still in preschool? I know I couldn't. What's cool is that the kid isn't only doing a solid job of matching Lee's moves from flicks like Game of Death, but the tyke is doing so with his back to the screen. Not bad for a 4-year-old—or anyone, really, for that matter.

Oh, but he ain't done folks.





While it's true as an adult he was a spiritual atheist, Bruce Lee was raised as a Buddhist...just saying...

Bruce?  Are you in there?


Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Never Sleep Again After Witnessing One Woman's Makeup Skills

Maria Malone-Guerbaa is a human, who through the power of make-up (and some fancy coats) is able to transform herself into a bunch of animals (and celebrities).  She's good at it.

How good you ask?

Good enough to make sure we all never sleep again.

She's not just animals either.  She can be cartoon Elvis...

That collar is painted on.  I knew it!



MFing Clint Eastwood...

The Man With No Room Left on his face for makeup.


And perhaps the most creepy animal of them all, the deer...


Feel free to call me when you cannot sleep.  I will be awake too.


It's impressive stuff, especially since her subjects are so diverse. Animals, humans, even cartoon characters, if it's got a face that's not Maria's, she can copy it with a brush.

Congratulations Maria, you've found your niche.  Also, a way to scare human beings to their utter core.  Well done.