Thursday, August 13, 2015

It's Left Handers Day And I Feel The Need To Celebrate

Nowadays on the Internet, it seems every single day is some holiday or another.  Whether it is National Talk Like A Pirate Day, or Donut Appreciation, I try to stay wide of all that hullabaloo.  However, today is one superfluous holiday that I must celebrate.  For today is Left Handers Day, and as a member of that tribe I must stand up, raise my ink covered palm to the sky (inside left handed joke) and demand more accommodating spiral notebooks!

Just kidding, they are fine, we will deal with it like we always do.  Like we have with the right handed desk combos that deserve to burn in desk Hell for eternity. Like we do when we keep apologizing for bumping elbows with anyone we decide to sit next to at dinner.

We will continue to secretly be proud of our weird quirk, while we dream of a world where all the 3-ring binders open to the right.  Where we each have a special glove to wear for anytime we need to write something down. And we will celebrate today, because dammit, it's stupid, but it's fun!

My actual paradise.

Today we celebrate all those who for some reason have to do things the hard way.  People like Hall of Famer Randy Johnson, Barack Obama, Paul McCartney, Kurt Cobain, and of course, the perennial southpaw Rocky Balboa.  You know your character is tortured when you purposely make his fictional biography left handed.

Yes, among these great people are the struggles of painfully fucking around with those spiral notebooks, smudging every single thing we write with sharpie, living with a higher risk of drug abuse and insomnia, and then dying 9 years earlier than everybody else.

Hey, but it isn't so bad though.  We get to be unique!  Left handedness in sports is highly praised.  From pitchers to batters in baseball who confuse the dominant right handers, to boxers who come out of nowhere with that powerful left uppercut you didn't expect.

Left handers are also known for being creative, and many world leaders are prone to using those other unappreciated digits. Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton, Benjamin Franklin, and Charles Darwin...all lefties.  Bill Clinton, George Bush, Gerald Ford, and even Queen Elizabeth II all reach for the other pair of scissors as well.

Furthermore lefties possess what I deem to be the most important advantage over their right handed overlords. We can eat more efficiently than anyone else on the planet.  No putting down the fork and switching hands nonsense!  We just cut and eat.  The fork is already in the right (which is the left) hand!

Yeah, there are perks to this whole dying early thing.

So today if you happen to see Paul McCartney, or some other bastard throwing a ball in what you deem to be a weird way, go give them a high five.  Just be prepared to use your weak hand...

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