Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Dastardly Dong Dangler Haunts Portland

A specter is haunting Portland—the specter of dildos.

*GASP*

According to Reuters, hundreds of “phallic sex toys” have recently started appearing on Rip City power lines, prompting numerous complaints to the city and several delightful Twitter posts.

But fear not, penily-menaced Portlanders, because officials say the synthetic dicks pose no immediate threat. From Reuters:

A spokesman for public utility Portland General Electric said he did not believe the rubber products posed a fire hazard.
Still, area power companies would prefer you didn’t use their lines as ad hoc nun-chub hangers.
What dastardly villain is dangling all these dingalings?  So far, no one knows, but the hunt is on for the (possibly) masked (probably) trench-coated (and nothing else) dildo phantom!

“The temptation may be there for tittering,” a Pacific Power spokesperson who clearly does not choose their words wisely enough to avoid snickering, told The Oregonian, “but we want to keep the lines as safe as possible.”

So get that into your head you purveyor of plastic phalluses, you tosser of tallywhackers!  Leave the good people of Portland's power grid alone.

(And if you are out there Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein, please make this a part of Portlandia)

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