Friday, June 19, 2015

North Korea's New Miracle Drug Totally Cures Everything No Problem

Well, hang it up America.  Call it quits capitalist dogs.  North Korea has done it again.  The DPRK, home of unicorns, had reported through it's completely reliable state-run media  that homegrown scientists have found the cure for HIV, various cancers, heart disease, impotence, bad skin, Ebola...and pretty much everything.

Pictured: The dude who came up with it one night, no big deal.

What was this magic cure?  Turns out it was the stuff we capitalist fools have been putting on our plants for years, wasting it right in the damn dirt.  It was fertilizer.  Why didn't any scientists, if they really are so smart, think of that?

The compound, Kumdang-2, is allegedly extracted from ginseng using fertilizer, rare-earth elements, gold, and platinum, and solves every health problem with a single injection. It’s definitely real, and definitely not just propaganda meant to troll South Korea as it deals with an outbreak of MERS.

As of yet, there are shockingly no clinical trials of Kumdang-2. But do not worry, because you can rely on “the opinions of millions of patients, all of which have been collected over the last 23 years since May, 1989.” Millions. Of people. Who are totally real.

Also, 1989 was not 23 years ago. But can you blame them for not studying math?  They obviously have been too busy with the science. DUH. 

Now there are only two reasons why we haven't had any of this drug in the past...however many years. Either there’s something fishy about this miracle drug, or North Korea’s dear leader, Kim Jong-un, has been in possession of a universal cure for three years and held out on the rest of the world.

Everyone knows Kim wouldn't dare lie, so it must be the latter.  Damn Kim, that's harsh.

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