Monday, June 29, 2015

Don't Steal A Hearse You Idiot

Stop stealing hearses everybody.  They have dead bodies inside of them.

These are the types of vehicles you should steal, if you must steal a vehicle: non-hearse cars; non-hearse trucks.  You could even steal a horse if you aren't into the whole getting away real quickly, and not needing to let your stolen vehicle drink water periodically. These are the types of vehicles you shouldn’t: hearses. And yet, people keep stealing hearses.

Of course you crashed it, when you noticed the dead body in the back!

Police in Atlanta, Georgia, recently arrested another hearse-stealing person because along with allegedly stealing the hearse, the person allegedly stole a corpse. Duh-doy—it was a hearse, my friend. There are dead people in those. Atlanta police Officer Ralph Woolfolk told the AtlantaJournal-Constitution that the hearse was taken on Sunday morning outside Grady Memorial Hospital, before it was abandoned nearby:

Woolfolk tells The Atlanta Journal-Constitution that the suspect abandoned the hearse a few blocks from Grady, then stole a Ford Explorer and drove off in that vehicle.

Now that’s more like it. Why couldn't you just steal a regular car in the first place?  It's not like hearses are somehow easier to steal than regular cars...or is it? 

Police reportedly recovered the hearse, with the body, and have a suspect in custody.

Everyone: Stop stealing hearses. Unless you want a dead body along with the car, or maybe you even want a dead body primarily. Then continue to steal hearses—my apologies.

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