Thursday, April 9, 2015

We Are All Doomed Because Taco Bell Is Working On Delivery

Two EMTs enter the house.  One grizzled veteran and his new rookie partner cross the threshold and look down on the man lying prostrate, motionless.  It is impossible to miss their patient, who is by now clearly passed on.

"God dammit," the veteran sighs.

"Is it another chalupa case sir?" asks the young ambulance driver.

The veteran kneels next to the bloated corpse, reaches down and pulls an orange Taco Bell wrapper from underneath his crumpled fist.

"What do you think?" he asks the young man as he holds it up to the light.

They both shake their heads and go about their business.

We are all doomed.

Taco Bell is currently on a mission to change breakfast, but the company is about to do a lot more than that according to an announcement from CEO Brian Niccol. In a March conversation with Nation’s Restaurant News (NRN), Niccol said Taco Bell will begin testing out a delivery service. Your body will never be the same, but it will be full of taco-like foodstuffs.

The delicious killer...

Remember all those nights you spent bargaining with friends, neighbors, strangers -- basically ANYONE -- who would take you to Taco Bell when you weren't totally able to get there on your own? (Yes, that time period is otherwise referred to as "college.") Well, those days could soon be over... just as soon as Taco Bell figures out how exactly they're going to roll out their delivery plan.

"Even though it’s the No. 1 request from consumers, we have to make sure we can give them an experience that’s consistent with Taco Bell, and that’s what we’re working through," said Niccol in his interview with NRN. "We have to figure it out, and I can tell you right now we don’t have it figured out."

But that doesn't mean that Taco Bell isn't actively trying. According to NRN, Niccol confirmed "some form of delivery will be in test by late this year."

But just like when Starbucks announced it would begin its own delivery service, logistics are crucial to this endeavor. How long can ground beef sit on Nachos Bell Grande before the tortilla chips turn soggy? What's the window of time in which a bean burrito stays hot? And for the love of all things holy, how do you keep a hard-shelled taco hard?

In the meantime, we can confirm that those delicious, weird-looking Cap'n Crunch Delights will be added to the breakfast menu shortly. As will the new Quesalupa, if Toledo, Ohio decides it's menu-worthy.

Steel yourselves.

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