Tuesday, March 31, 2015

New Mad Max Serves Up Some Story In Latest Trailer

There is a new trailer online as of today for the upcoming Tom Hardy reinvigoration of Mad Max entitled Mad Max: Fury Road, and OH SWEET LORD HOW IS THIS NOT GOING TO BE THE BEST MOVIE EVER MADE?!

Well for one thing it doesn't star a certain Aussie racist.
As for the trailer itself, it OWNS just as much as the past couple have, only this time we get a little story with our awesome apocalyptic car gnashing, gun shootin' mayhem.

Looks like some bad men want to do some bad things to some young women, and only Charlize Theron's "Furiosa" and Tom Hardy's "Max" can stop them.  Stop them by fucking them up in the most awesome ways possible with a car and guns.

Check it out:

May 15th cannot come soon enough.

Mortal Kombat X Is Still Fatal As In Fatalities

Mortal Kombat X, the tenth entry in the massively popular and iconic series of fighting games, is inching closer and closer to it's April 14th release date.

To help promote their flagship title, developer Nether Realms has released a brutal video of the upcoming Fatalities featured in the game.  This is like eating your cake before dinner even is ready.  And be warned, don't watch this stuff at work.  Unless you work somewhere really cool.

I'm sure not every fatality is in here, because marketing, but this video includes most of Mortal Kombat X's gruesome finishing moves. Again you should probably not watch these at work.

Or at home, if you're at all squeamish about faces being sliced off and brains falling out and tongues wobbling around pissing out blood. I mean, look at this:

To be fair, if you bring a sword you probably are gonna use it.

The video also contains the game's X-rays, which forgo some of the gore to get right into the literal bone shattering brutality that the..ahem...Kombatants (it's Mortal Kombat so everything gets a K) unleash on each other.

It's awesome, and totally metal, and Mortal Kombat still rules.

Check it out:

Crank the Slayer.

Monday, March 30, 2015

If You Enjoy April Fools John Oliver Thinks You Are A Garbage Person

Last Week Tonight is on break this week, but John Oliver still made a video to address the crisis that will strike all of us just two short days from now: April Fools' Day, that holiday beloved of monsters and sociopaths only, is on its way.

Doing his part to resist the yearly tsunami of garbage pranks, Oliver asked his fans to pledge not to participate in April Fools' Day, and not to let their idiot friends participate, either.

Unfortunately, this will not be enough, because the internet is still full of amoral monsters who will lie to you anyway. And worse, it's increasingly full of #brands. Corporations are not people, my friend, but marketers are—and marketers think this shit is so cute. They've been planning their pranks for weeks.

So remember, whatever Google thinks up it will still be around on Wednesday.  And no, Lil Wayne probably didn't die.  

Probably just don't bother getting out of bed Wednesday. It's safer that way.

Ronda Rousey Killed It At WrestleMania In A Dragon Ball Z Shirt

That is the best headline I have been able to write in a long while.

As you're probably no doubt aware, Wrestlemania happened last night. The WWE's annual wrestling masturbatory event went down without a hitch in the new 49er's stadium with all the relegated fanfare.  While we won't get into the deep details here, suffice it to say that it was simultaneously dumb, hilarious, ridiculous, and kind of awesome in all the right ways.  Only in the squared circle of the WWE can a balding 50 year old man who has dressed like The Crow fake fight another 45 year old man who is known as the "Cerebral Assassin" and have 70,000 fans scream their heads off about it.

 At the end of the show it was a consensus that this one, the 31st iteration, was a success for most, but what was a unanimous decision is what the best moment of the night was.  Or who it was.  It was current UFC bantamweight woman's champion and quite possibly one of the most dominant fighters of all time, Ronda Rousey. Ronda Rousey made an appearance on Wrestlemania with The Rock and basically cleaned shop whilst wearing a Dragon Ball Z t-shirt. How can you beat that?

You cannot, you just absolutely cannot.

As if Ronda couldn't endear herself more? We're talking about a woman who used to moderate a Pokemon forum, who now spends her training downtime playing World of Warcraft. She's also a massive Dragon Ball Z fan?

I don't like to throw around the term "perfect woman" very often, lest it lose some of it's gravitas.  But I don't know if I can actually imagine a woman who is better than Ms. Rousey.

Also pictured, another perfect woman candidate, Stephanie McMahon.

It's been amazing to watch Ronda Rousey evolve into a genuine mainstream superstar. This is so, so cool.

Sunday, March 29, 2015

FUNDAY MUSIC EDITION: Mr. Wonderful Has Arrived

Mr. Wonderful has touched down everyone, it is a joyous celebration.

One of the great things about Funday is that I can write about whatever the hell I want for the intro.  Like this week when I am dedicating it to the album release of my current favorite person.  The literal and figurative biggest rockstar on the earth.  The man who is a chef turned rapper turned rapper/chef.  Queens NY's finest, Tha Kid, Bronsalino, the man known best as Action Bronson.

But why?  Why does he get the Funday shine?  What makes this album release in a sea of other great albums warrant such attention?

Simply put, he is the best.

You can guess which one he is here.  You just know.
Bronson wants you to love him, and he is doing everything possible to make that happen.  He raps over mashups of Peter Gabriel and Phil Collins songs, he has lines like "Tailor me a leather suit, on some Jodeci shit, bi-coastal we both'll be rich," he drops LEGENDARY (actual) freestyles on Funk Flexhe has pals named Big Body Bes, and he even stars in a super successful food show called "Fuck That's Delicious"

He loves the attention. Bronson is a good-times rapper, an outsized character who depicts himself as an even more outsized character. He’s the sort of weird cartoon a major-label boardroom could never hope to invent: A tatted-up, massively-bearded Albanian-American dirtbag chef who’s built like a bowling ball and who has somehow managed to remove most of the Ghostface associations from his free-associative adenoidal flow.

There’s the simple matter of song construction, something that’s never much appealed to Bronson. Mixtapes were perfect for him; he could yammer on for a couple of minutes, often over an unlicensed and hugely recognizable loop, and then move onto the next topic. And on Mr. Wonderful, he more or less treats his major-label debut album like it’s a mixtape. The sonics are cleaner, certainly, and A-list producers like Mark Ronson and Noah “40” Shebib are on board. But Bronson is just as likely to go in for three minutes with no chorus, and just as likely to kick beautifully ridiculous bravado: “I’ll resurrect Freaky Tah to do my ad-libs / Overseas, I probably got mad kids.” He stops the Ronson-produced opening track “Brand New Car” short a couple of times when he loses his train of thought, and it’s just as calculated and contrived, in its way, as guitar feedback on a major-label rock album. But it’s a signal, too: Ronson is not going to clean up his act just because his checks have a logo on them now.

He's one of a kind, and we should all celebrate the man.  So let's do it!


Action Bronson

Where else to begin this celebration than with the man who is the most entertaining musician out right now.  Case in point: This music video is a recreation of one of the most classic movies ever: Coming to America (which if you haven't seen, you are a poor soul who should be pitied).  It stars Bronsalino's right hand man Big Body Bes, who if Bronson didn't exist would then be the most entertaining person out, period.  Watch it, and listen to the fucking jam that goes with it.


Migos, Migos, Migos, Migos, Migos, Migos, Migos, Migos, Migos, Migos, Migos, Migos, Migos, Migos, Migos, Migos, Migos, Migos, Migos, Migos, Migos, Migos, Migos, Migos, Migos, Migos, Migos, Migos, Migos, Migos, Migos, Migos, Migos, Migos, Migos, Migos, Migos, Migos, Migos!  Don't ever breakup please.  You guys are like The Shield of popular rap music.  This is perhaps the greatest compliment I could muster.

Lil Durk f/Jeremih

Two of Chicago's finest young talents team...

Jazz Cartier

This guy just got introduced at SXSW by Kardinal Offishall.  He is going places, and I am not just talking about around Toronto.

Major Lazer f/DJ Snake & MO

Swag.  Don't worry, I am bringing that word back.


Ladies and gentlemen, the hottest rap song in the world right now has a music video.  It's a fitting video for such a banger.  Enjoy your future song of the summer right now, before it is even warm.

Charli XCX

There is not one person in music right now who is more fun than this woman.



Yo, get the fuck outta here and go buy that album B!  See you next week.

Saturday, March 28, 2015

Can You Keep James Bond's Dirty Little Secret?

The newest Daniel Craig Bond vehicle is here hot off the hills of one of the best Bond films ever in Skyfall, the original Bond crew (Ms. Moneypenney, M, Q, etc.) is back on the big screen to take on the most classic of Bond baddies– SPECTRE.

I wonder who will play the cat?

The trailer opens with Naomie Harris as Eve Moneypenny giving Daniel Craig’s James Bond personal effects from Skyfall, his boyhood home — which burned to the ground at the end of the movie of the same name.

“You’ve got a secret — something you can’t tell anyone because you don’t trust anyone,” she adds. Hopefully it's a really dirty one...though it seems like he might actually have a brother...

As usual with Bond films, most of the plot details of “Spectre” have been kept under wraps. The official description: “A cryptic message from Bond’s past sends him on a trail to uncover a sinister organization. While M battles political forces to keep the secret service alive, Bond peels back the layers of deceit to reveal the terrible truth behind SPECTRE.”

The name SPECTRE was featured in Ian Fleming’s Bond novels and stands for Special Executive for Counter-intelligence, Terrorism, Revenge and Extortion. It’s a fictional global criminal syndicate and terrorist organization, led by supervillain Ernst Stavro Blofeld, and first appeared in the novel “Thunderball” and in the film “Dr. No” in 1962.

In the trailer, Bond confronts an enemy, Mr. White, played by Jesper Christensen. “You’re a kite dancing in a hurricane, Mr. Bond,” he warns.

In also keeping with the Craig era of casting incredible villains SPECTRE is headed by Christoph Waltz’s Franz Oberhauser, (who has gotta just be Blofield right?) who’s seen briefly in the shadows at the end of the trailer, intoning in his gravelly voice: “Welcome, James. It’s been a long time and finally, here we are.”

My Bond Boner is at full mast.  November 6th is gonna be a good day.

Friday, March 27, 2015

Oculus Uses Optical Illusions To Show You Your Brain Is A Jerk

Virtual reality isn't ready yet. Oh, it's damn good—but it can't quite fully convince you that you are someplace you're not. But how sure are you of the "real world," anyhow? Today, Oculus guru Michael Abrash used these kickass optical illusions to show how fake our reality can be.

Remember The Matrix? Would you choose the red pill or the blue pill? (See above.)

Does it even matter if both pills are actually grey?

Think you're looking at yellow and blue squares in the pictures of 5x5 Rubik's Cubes below? Think again. (No, this doesn't quite explain that disgusting dress.) "The colors you saw were constructed entirely by your perceptual system," explains Abrash.

Below, which table is longer?

How does this straw pass right through the window?

"There are a number of cues on the window that imply a perspective that doesn't exist, so your visual system infers that the window is spinning backward for half a full rotation. This doesn't match up with reality, so you end up seeing something impossible," says Abrash.

Abrash's point is that our brains have been trained for ages to jump to quick, useful conclusions based on limited data, rather than seeing the real world for what it is—which proves that they can inherently be tricked.

Like Morpheus says in The Matrix—and Abrash quoted at the beginning of his keynote—humans have a very limited handle on reality.

"What is real? How do you define real? If you're talking about what you can feel, what you can smell, what you can taste and see, then "real" is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain."

See?  Your damn brain is always messing with you, wether you see that stupid dress or not.  Or...we are just living in a computer simulation...Either way, what are ya gonna do? 

Thursday, March 26, 2015

McDonald's Is Making Clothes And You Cannot Even Eat Them

Wearing clothes is mostly good. Being yourself, also good. The official position is: Wear what you like. Unless what you like is memecore thermals adorned with enhanced images of Big Macs and sold to you by the McDonald's corporation. McDonald's is going into fashion, and it's bad.

Unless these are also edible, no sale.

McDonald's Sweden (exclusive, rare, crispy) has unveiled a Big Mac product line that is ugly as it is stupid. It is Brands Saying Bae, on cool-kid approved separates, forever. Are you fit and attractive? Do you have a "trendy" hairstyle? McDonald's suggests you buy a raincoat or Wellingtons or bedsheets covered in the "hamburger of hamburgers." When was the last time you wore something so good or cool? When was the last time you ate cow tortured and processed on behalf of America's most cynical corporation? You can put the two together if you live in Sweden and feel like spending $60 on a shirt.

Coming soon...total embarrassment.

Wear whatever you want, unless that thing is a fucking burger suit from a giant corporation that has no idea about clothes.

How Many Movie People Has Sylvester Stallone Killed?

Here's a fun thought exercise for those who partake in late night debates assisted by junk food and a lifting sense of clarity: which action movie star has killed more people in their movies? Is it Arnold or Sylvester? Stallone or Schwarzenegger? This video totals up all the deaths that Sly is responsible for and we can directly compare it to Ahnold.

These two poor souls were dead moments later.

Auralnauts tallied up the kill count of Sly Stallone in this epic 35-minute long video—covering everything like First Blood and the Expendables—and categorized the kills by firearm, explosives, bow and arrow, bare hands and so on. The final count has Stallone at 539 kills. That actually bests Arnold, who "only" had 509.

Hell, one thing is for sure, he is so good at killing he went and killed the fuck out of his own career!

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Awesome Short Film Shows "Star Wars" From The Empire's Perspective

War, a product of the human condition, can be described often in certain terms.  That there are both bad guys and good guys on each side of every conflict ever fought is an understood facet.  Even in galaxies far far away from our own.

Pretty much every huge Star Wars fan has wondered if there ever could be a movie told from the perspective of The Empire, the giant megalomaniacal world destroying force that in our original trilogy has subjugated entire galaxies under it's iron fist.

Now there is one. TIE Fighter is a short animation by Paul Johnson that shows a bit of Star Wars from the perspective of the Empire. It's done in the style of anime from the 80's and shows an aerial fight scene between TIE fighters and X-wings and is pretty much so awesome that Disney, current owners of everything Star Wars, should make this an entire movie.

Take THAT rebel scum!

I mean, let's face it.  TIE fighters are way cool, Darth Vader rules, and The Empire has way better uniforms in that strange facist sheik kind of way (remember boys and girls, facism sucks).

What I am saying is I so want to root for the bad guys.

Hell yeah.
I mean if you think about it, The Empire isn't so bad...they were fighting a group of religious zealots who followed their faith over any semblance of logic.  A group who takes over foreign planets of adorable teddy bears in order to use them as child soldiers...

And the Imperials don't even use human lives as fodder for war, just a bunch of clones.  Another plus side, no human casualties (well that matter at least).

Think about it, but before you do, watch this awesome thing:

Alright Disney, your move.  You mentioned before you want to milk this whole Star Wars thing for all it's worth, so get to it.  I want a Wookie centric movie followed up by an Empire biopic.

You Gotta Believe Because "The X-Files" Is Back

THE X-FILES IS OFFICIALLY COMING BACK! Rinse out your black t-shirt with "I want to believe" on it, because it's freaking happening, people. Mulder and Scully are returning!!!!


Fox just issued a press release confirming the long-whispered return of The X-Files — and also confirming the return of David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson as FBI Agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.  That's right baby, the first show to scare the shit out of you, while also making your bathing suit area all tingly (looking at you Gillian...) is coming back for that TV screen.

It's been 13 years since the finale (and a couple of so-so films in between) and now Fox has re-ordered a six-episode X-Files run, with original showrunner Chris Carter.

In the PR release, there's lots of nice talk, like this bit from Carter saying he thinks of the hiatus as a, "...13-year commercial break." And as for what's in store, lots more weirdness as Carter seems pretty giddy about the state of scifi television today,

"The good news is the world has only gotten that much stranger, a perfect time to tell these six stories."
Well, you sure are right about that you magnificent bastard.

So take down that "I Want To Believe" poster that you already have up, and then put it right back up in triumph.

You know what I am talking about...

Now all I need to do is get my Millenium Lance Henrikson return...

Hell. Yes.

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Piece of Shit Bees Try And Fail To Kill Grandpa

Bunch of piece of shit bees tried to murder an old grandpa at a baseball game in southern Utah on Friday. Can you believe it? Of course you can. Bees have been pulling this shit forever.

Pictured: A honeybee real asshole.

KSL reports the man and bee target, 89-year-old Jay Francis, was enjoying a baseball game with his family at Elks Field on Friday morning when the bees attacked. "I must have been extra sweet," Francis said, "because they just wouldn't leave me alone." Cute, even in the face of extreme bee terror. A hero. (Though I do think the attack was more likely due to the shittiness of bees rather than the sweetness of Francis.)

Captain Rob Hooper of the St. George Fire Department told St. George News the bees swarmed after an underground beehive near a telephone pole was disrupted. A likely story from a bunch of tiny malevolent monsters bent on murder.

Francis went on about his attack, via KSL:

"First it was one, then two, then three. Then they were everywhere," Francis said. "It was just horrible. My head started aching. I can't believe how sensitive it was."
"They stung me right here," Francis said, pointing to his ear. "Right on my nose and the top of my head and the back of my head."

Francis was stung 400 times. His son ran to help him, telling KSL, "His face was just covered in bees. You saw his eyes and his mouth."

His face. Was just. Covered. In bees. You saw. His eyes. And mouth!

The bees swarmed for about fifteen minutes before the fire department arrived to disable their attack. KCSG reports seven were treated on the scene, and Francis was rushed to a nearby hospital. KSL explains, a little rudely, "doctors told him he's lucky to be alive, not just because he's 89 years old, but because he had nearly 400 bee stings."

Fucking bees, man.

"Post Modern Skateboard" Makes You A Modern Asshole

We're well into the 21st century, so perhaps it's not surprising that somebody finally decided to render the tried-and-true skateboard a major update. Enter the Post Modern Skateboard—at least, that's how it's being marketed. Thing is, this contraption has no board to speak of.

It also is lacking any semblance of being cool.

As CNET points out, the Post Modern Skateboard—basically, a $100 pair of 10-inch, round wheels with foot platforms—seems to be more spiritually akin to a caster board, a two-wheeled, skateboard cousin consisting of two decks joined by a metal beam. But seeing the skater's two feet moving independently in this video reminds me a lot more of roller blading or figure skating than anything else. Again, two things that are not very associated with being very cool.  Unlike actual skateboarding, which is associated with rippin', partyin', and generally being a cool guy/gal.

The "board," however, does come with an extendable rod that can be used to connect the two skates. If you squint at this contraption with the rod in place, you can sort of see a shadow of its former self.

So put these on your feet, and go forth!  Like an asshole!

Or just get a skateboard and be cool.

[Hammacher Schlemmer via CNET]

Monday, March 23, 2015

Lego Matrix Lobby Shootout Improves Upon Original

Not only has YouTube LEGO animator Snooperking painstakingly recreated the lobby shootout from The Matrix, he tweaked the ending to solve the movie trilogy's main problem.

Despite the fact that Neo and Trinty are technically slaughtering countless innocent comatose machine batteries on their way to rescue Morpheus from Agent Smith (it's the smell, if there is such a thing), the lobby gunfight from the first movie was one of the coolest moments in the entire trilogy.

Snooperking's LEGO version is perfect, right down to surprise ending.

Check it out:


The Most Messed Up Urban Legend Just Happened For Real

See the thing about urban legends that makes them so scary is that they are just so close to being believable that you say to yourself, "Man, that would never happen to me." While your brain is telling you, "Oh yes, it could totally happen."

They are the reason why you check the fuck out of your backseat when you are reminded of that story, or turn the damn lights on when you get home to where your roommate is sleeping.

Maybe also get out of the fucking house right now.

One unlucky soul though just found out that apparently urban legends can be real, and unfortunately in this case it is one of the most fucked up stories come to life.

I guess it isn't an urban legend anymore?

Ever hear the one about the licking dog? No? Perhaps you should just walk away right now, and be content to live a life free of fear and dread. Oh god, how I envy you. Ok, via Wikipedia:

A young girl is home alone for the first time with only her dog for company. Listening to the radio, she hears of a serial killer (or mental patient) on the loose, so she locks all the doors and windows (in some versions, the basement window is jammed open so she just locks the basement door) and goes to bed, taking her dog to her room with her and letting it sleep under her bed. She wakes in the night and can hear a dripping sound coming from the bathroom. The dripping sound annoys her, and she actually finds it unsettling for some reason. The bedside lamp won't work, and she is too scared to get out of bed to turn on the main light and walk over to the bathroom. She hides under the covers but to reassure herself that the dog is still under the bed she puts her hand down and feels licking on her hand. She lies awake for some time listening to the dripping sound and periodically puts her hand down to where she can hear heavy breathing and each time feels gentle licks on her fingers. Eventually she falls asleep. The next morning when she wakes, she goes to the bathroom for a drink of water. On the shower wall, written in blood are the words "HUMANS CAN LICK TOO", and her slaughtered dog is hanging from the shower head, its blood, now thick and dark, still dripping into the bathtub.

Fun story, huh? How'd you like to read it again (albeit without the fluids)... IN A PALM SPRINGS NEWSPAPER .

A stranger was knocking on residents' doors, drawing the suspicion of a neighbor who phoned the police. The neighbor watched the man walk toward the rear of a residence, according to the report.
Inside that home, a woman was searching for her two cats. 
As the woman reached under her bed, she "felt she had touched human skin," an officer wrote in the report. "The suspect was hiding under her bed."

No word on the status of her cats, but goddamn lady you might want to have a friend check out the bathroom for you. 

And now we can all never leave our bedroom again without booby trapping it in some way.  I suggest hundreds of mousetraps.

Sunday, March 22, 2015

See Which States Google Autocompletes Are The Most Sad

You can tell a lot about a person by what they aspire to own, or badly need to buy. That could have been the impetus behind a map that's making the internet rounds today—it's a graphic that ostensibly answers the question " What cost is each state obsessed with?" by testing how Google autocompleted the phrase "How much does *blank* cost in [NAME OF STATE]?"

Iowans really getting all wrinkly up there.

It was produced by a company called Fixr and like most easily sharable maps of this type, it's suspect in a lot of ways—for one, the data seems to have been gathered by looking at how the search engine autocompleted "How much does *blank* cost in [NAME OF STATE'S CAPITAL CITY]?"—but if we can pretend that it does correspond to reality in some way, Jesus, some of these most-searched terms are really tragic. But how tragic are they, and which is the saddest? Well, here's your answer, in list form, from "eh" to "genuinely appaling":

Not Sad:

50. Massachusetts: The T
49. New Mexico: Commercial driver's license
48. Rhode Island: State ID
47 and 46. New Hampshire, Washington: Passport
45. Kansas : Marriage license
44. Montana : Fishing license
43 and 42. New York, Colorado: Weed (This would surprise me if it was anything else)
41 and 40. Wyoming, Nebraska: Beer (Find it hard to believe Nebraskans don't know this)
39. Vermont: Cord of wood
38, 37, and 36. Pennsylvania, South Carolina, and Michigan: Liquor license
35 and 34. Minnesota, Georgia: Taxi
33. Utah: Speeding ticket


32. Illinois: Daycare
31. Texas: Nanny
30. Missouri: Build a house
29. Maine: State inspection
28. Wisconsin: Electricity
27. West Virginia: Drill a well
26. Hawaii: Gas (Just surf everywhere brah)

Oh Boy:

25 and 24. Arizona, South Dakota: Vasectomy
23. North Carolina: Nose job
22. Iowa: Botox
21 and 20. California, Virginia: Facelift (Duh.)
19. Idaho: Liposuction
18 and 17. Indiana, Arkansas: Breast implants
16. Oklahoma: Breast lift
15. Ohio: Private investigator
14 and 13. Connecticut, Nevada: Prostitute (What's up in Connecticut? Something we should know?)

Jesus Christ:

12 and 11. Mississippi, Tennessee: DNA test
10. Alaska: Gallon of milk
9. North Dakota: A minor (We assume this refers to the cost of raising a child, though it's unclear.)
8 and 7. Alabama, Florida: Abortion
6 and 5: Delaware, Maryland: DUI
4. Oregon: Water
3. Louisiana: Succession
2. Kentucky: Adopt a child
1. New Jersey: Funeral

There you have it.  Hopefully you live in one of the 17 states at the top.  If you don't, well, you'll have something to talk about at parties!


It has been a while folks, since we have had a week where so many tough tunes came out that it called for a Funday Music Edition.  However, here we are!

So get some headphones, turn on the basketball (on mute) and get ready to jam.  Caution: You are gonna need some headphones with a long cord.

These tunes will help you escape that terrible "March Madness" affliction going around town this year.  I don't know what it is, but it sure sounds like something you do not want to mess with.

I think your head turns into a basketball or something. Horrifying!

Basketball related illnesses are no joke.  Talk to your doctor if Basketballevitra is right for you.



Still yet to release a song that I would describe as anything less than excellent, the silken voiced Brit has dropped another jam.  This one coming straight at your own insecurities, in the most lovely way.  If John Hughes was still making teen movies in 2015 this would definitely be raised over the lovelorn protagonist's head at the film's inevitable climactic reunion. The only difference would be that it would be blaring from an iPod dock instead of a boombox.


It is 2015 y'all, and another British invasion is on the way.  Grime, England's own killer street rap style of music is coming back, and it is about to blow in a big way. Along with Skepta, who is fresh from just being cosigned by Kanye,  Stormzy is leading the charge.  So go get some Grime mixtapes right now.  You don't want to look like a sucka when it hits do you?

Heems f/Dev Hynes

One half of the defunct but near legendary Das Racist (get back together fellas!) has finally released his first full album, and boy is it good.  Mostly because it has stuff like this, although not representative of the album, it just hurts to listen to. In all the best ways.  It does though have an "Ignition (Remix)" reference though, so that's pretty awesome as well.


If there is a new M.I.A. song, then you best believe it's gonna find it's way right here you punk.  I mean come on, we aren't fucking around here.  As for the tune, its the goddess doing what she does best: Delivering an intensely dancable beat over a wobbly bass while schooling your dumb ass on some social/economic/political hot buttons.  Like drones fucking killing people all over the world.

Kendrick Lamar

Kendrick mentions that he should probably run for mayor in this song, along with a lot of other stuff.  The amount of funk alone he is brining to the game right now makes me want to vote for him in whatever office he could potentially run for.

Death Grips

It's hard to believe that these guys are broken up, especially when they are really starting to expand their sound, and just put out an album.  Also, since I just started to finally figure them out, and dare I say...enjoy their music...I really hope that they are just fucking with us.  They probably are, it's in their nature.

Carnage f/iLoveMakonnen

This video has just the right amount of gore.  Which is a whole bunch of gore.  Makonnen is in a sea of weirdo (in the best way) Atlanta rappers, the king, and it is great to see him one day rapping along side Ezra Koenig.  The next making an EDM song.  He may or may not be the biggest thing in the world someday, but regardless of that level of attainment, it is gonna be a fun ride.

Meyhem Lauren & Buckwild f/Action Bronson

Not saying that the only reason I included this was because it features Bronsalino doing pushups.  But I will say that it is like about 95% the reason why I included this.  It is just impossible to not be happy when you see that.

Earl Sweatshirt

Once again the best music video director alive (Hiro Murai) collaborates with Ear, and again it is such a memorable result.  Simplicity is key, and the visuals let the song permeate your earholes, while still keeping your attention.  At once sinister and fascinating, just using an infrared camera is enough.


Remember, if you start to feel like a basketball, go to the doctor immediately.  Safety first, and your health over everything.  See you next week!

Saturday, March 21, 2015

Watch An American Patriot Prank C-SPAN With The Fresh Prince Theme

The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song is our nation's most accurate barometer as to whether or not someone is an actual alien. If you say "In West Philadelphia..." and a person doesn't immediately respond with THE ENTIRE REST OF THE SONG, they are from another planet and should be exterminated with one of those big Men In Black laser guns, which Will Smith was also in.

Everyone also wants one of those hats.

It's the best theme to one of the best shows ever made, that when you go back and watch still decades later, holds up.  Just go watch the episode where Carlton gets shot and try not to cry.  It's impossible not to open those waterworks.  There is also a reason why every teen right now can do the Carlton dance upon prompting.

Now for the theme.  It's the theme for a show starring the two people (let's never forget DJ Jazzy Jeff lest we be struck down) who perform it, and I am not saying it's the best song of all time but...
I am saying that the song should replace "The Star Spangled Banner" at baseball games and should be added to United States citizenship tests. 

That said, some beautiful motherfucking patriot brought our nation's greatest recorded anthem to live TV with this prank call to C-SPAN. Now, he could have just started speeding through the lyrics as soon as they asked what his question was, but he didn't. He played it cool. And as a result, he got almost an entire verse of the song out before being cut off. 

God bless you, sir, for bravely going farther than any man has in history, for reaching the uncharted territories, for daring to dream.  So go crank the Big Willie Style, release a bald eagle, and chug some shitty domestic beers...it's time to celebrate!

Thursday, March 19, 2015

New Avengers Movie Saves The Best Trailer For Last

To be fair, this is actually a new TV spot, not a full trailer. But something tels me that really won't bother you much when this unbelievably amazing new batch of footage kicks your ass. You don't believe me? Go ahead and watch.

See?! We're a little worried that Avengers: Age of Ultron is revealing too much footage (welcome to modern movies), but it's really hard not to stay excited when Thor hits Cap's shield with his hammer and knocks it through Ultron minions like they were butter. May 1st, guys. A month and a half to go.

1980's Movie God Is Back Baby Because Hicks Returns

Time to strap it all on one more time ladies and gentlemen, because the movie star of the 1980's is coming back in a big way (although he really never left). Yes, the man who starred in not one (Terminator) but two (Aliens) of the most iconic movies of all time is coming back to a theater near you playing the coolest Corporal this side of the (space) colony.

Michael Biehn has confirmed that he’s set to reprise the role of Corporal Duane Hicks from 1986’s Aliens in Neill Blomkamp’s as-yet-untitled Alien sequel.

Be still my heart.

Posting on Instagram in response to a comment about his scheduled appearance at Sheffield Film and Comic-Con in the UK, Biehn stated that,

“I’m not looking at scheduling conflicts with the Sheffield Comic Con, due to my contract for Aliens to begin filming during then.” 

Fan favourite Hicks was featured in the original concept art that Blomkamp posted for his then-unofficial Alien sequel, which has since been given the greenlight from Fox and will also see Sigourney Weaver back as Ripley.

Fans of the series might note that Hicks (spoilers for a decades old film) totally died in the beginning of Alien 3 in the most non-Hicks way possible: Eating it offscreen in a spaceship crash.  Biehn was set at first to become the new protagonist of the series in that sequel, but due to a production straight out of hell he was eventually killed off in the movie's years of rewrites and reimaginings.  Biehn was even paid for his role in the movie, despite not actually appearing in the movie after he protested.

Looks like Blomkamp is throwing this all right out the airlock, and boy does it feel good to know that a grizzled Kyle Reese stomping Xenomorph heads all over again.  Let's face it everybody, if we want one 1980's cool dude coming back, it's this man.  He may be older, but he still looks good, and that's more than you can say for most of those dudes (looking at you Harrison).

"Error, malfunction in cryo-sleep chamber.  You have aged approximately 30 years."

Now if only we can see what Bill Paxton and Lance Henrikson are up to...

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Burger King Perfume Is Coming To Japan

Japanese?  Live in Japan?  Have a strange yearning to smell like a delicious flame broiled hamburger in your daily life without the hassle of cooking meat everyday?

Well, you are about to get some excellent news.

A Burger King officially branded perfume is coming.  It's called "Flame Grilled" and because the fates hate us all, it is only coming to Japan...for now...

We truly live in a magical era.

Forget everything you know about April 1st, because according to Burger King Japan, April 1st is now "Whopper Day" in Japan. It's not a national holiday (dammit!), but website Fashion Snap reports that the company registered the day with the Japan Anniversary Association, making it one of many "unofficial" holidays that exist in the country. For example, Japan has a Pocky Day.

Before you forget everything though, know that April 1st is also April Fools' Day, which is most certainly a thing in Japan, but a thing that is celebrated only on April 1st and not a month before.

So what the fuck is going on? As Fashion Snap points out, the word "whopper" can also mean "lie," so it makes perfect sense for April 1st to also be Whopper Day. However! As numerous Japanese sites are all reporting, Burger King is apparently (apparently!) offering a limited edition Burger King perfume, which comes with a Whopper, so, I'm assuming, you can compare smells. Priced at 5,000 yen, the fragrance will only go on sale on April 1st starting at 10:30am. Limited one per customer. Did I mention it's Japan only? Yes, yes I did.

None of the fine print seems to indicate that this is an imaginary product and mid-March is way too fucking early to start with the April Fools' Day nonsense. Japanese food blog Entabe writes, "This seems like a like, but this is for real." As a man who wants to live in a world where people walk around smelling like hamburgers, God let's hope so.

On the same day, Burger King Japan is also selling a "Whopper Pass," which is thirty days of Whopper meal deals, which are priced at 840 yen (US$6.93) each. But the pass, good between April 1 and April 30, is available at a bargain 5,000 yen ($41), making this a seriously good deal for those who don't mind eating Whoppers every. Single. Day.

Somebody get me one of these.  Also, that is coincidentally my life's mantra.

Welcome to Burger King Japan, where all your burger fantasies come true.

You Won't Want To Be A Hero In "Not A Hero"

Fuck yeah.
Heroes are overrated.

Not A Hero is a new video game. It is made by the good people at Roll7, who if you like video games, you may know as the people (person) who made popular skateboarding indie games OlliOlli and more recently OlliOlli 2.
Much like the precision insanity that comes with the Olli games, it is fast, frenetic, and absolutely insane in the best way.

Not a Hero’s story revolves around helping an anthropomorphic bunny from the future, known as Bunnylord, win an election and become Mayor of England. Stepping into the boots of non-heroes, you need to clear out scum from the cities and take out the opposition with brutal efficiency.

Now, to the real meat of this preview, Not A Hero is brutal. And when I say brutal, what I really mean is unbelievably brutal. Guts and limbs fly through the air when grenades explode, or you pick up a super-powerful ammo upgrade. Enemies skid, face first, along the floor leaving a smear of bright red blood in their wake.

Executions on downed foes paint the walls with blood, skin and brains, and the impact of each shot really connects with every pull of the trigger. The last pixel-art game we can think of that delivered this much violence on such a scale was Hotline Miami, and we all know how well that little indie title did.

Not a Hero used to be unimaginably punishing, but Roll7 has softened the curve without compromising on its vision. Now things start out slow, with the basics of cover shooting, sliding and executions handled early on. But as you progress, more enemies are added in and randomly-generated time-based objectives up the tension, pushing you forward through levels and creating a weird sense of rhythm to the violence.

Despite all the grim on-screen action, Not a Hero isn’t all doom and gloom action, in fact it’s incredibly light-hearted. At the beginning of every mission is a randomly-generated briefing session with Bunnylord. Sometimes he’ll be wearing a funny hat, other times he may have brought along a granny or a box of cute kittens, you just never know. It’s a wonderful way to break up the ultraviolence and show just how insane Bunnylord really is.

Similar scenes take place at the end of missions too. After you’ve completed your objectives and sped off in Bunnylord’s questionable campaign van, a debrief at the nearby greasy spoon gives you a glimpse into your relationship with the politician. And, what’s more, it also leads to some excellent randomised sentences like “That. Was. Bloody… Stupendous.” Surely that’s reason enough to love Not a Hero?

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Meet Your Grand Theft Auto Gods

GTA Online's "Heists" update has a special challenge that most players will find impossible to pull off. Called the "Mastermind Challenge," the task requires players to complete every heist in order, with the same team members, on hard, with no deaths. At all. No pressure!

Come all ye would be criminals! 

This weekend, the challenge was completed for the first time by an amazing team of GTA Onlineplayers. It took them about 9 hours over the course of two days to get the Mastermind Challenge. Their reward? Tons and tons of in-game money:

"Closest we ever came to death was probably both missions that heavily involve chases with Lost MC and a lot of gunfire," one of the players wrote on the GTA forums. "They come from EVERYWHERE, spray automatic weapons, and try their best to crash into you. So many close calls."

"It was the most fun I've had in GTA Online ever and one of the most stressful challenges I've ever experienced in a video game. Was it worth it? For $12 Million? Hell yes."

11 Year Old Suspended For Bringing Leaf To School

Last fall, a sixth-grader in Virginia was suspended for 364 days and charged with possession of an illicit drug, punishment for violating his school's drug policy. His crime? Having a leaf in his backpack that looked like, but conclusively wasn't, marijuana.
Not weed.
According to the boy's parents, the trouble began last September when officials at Bedford Middle School searched their 11-year-old son's bag based on a tip from other students. Inside, they found a lighter and the offending foliage, a single crumpled leaf.

Their son was soon suspended for "possession of marijuana," a charge he also faced in juvenile court. However, when the boy's court date finally came in November, his parents learned the leaf had tested negative for marijuana three separate times.

"The field test came back not inconclusive, but negative," the parents' lawyer told The Roanoke Times. "Yet [the school's police officer] went to a magistrate and swore he possessed marijuana at school."

The court charge was then dropped, but the boy's suspension remained, the school's operations chief reportedly saying, "The court system and the school system were two different entities."

According to the school board's attorney, the school's anti-drug policy treats possession of real drugs and "imitation" drugs—such as a cannabis-like Japanese maple leaf—the same, tellingThe Roanoke Times, "It's the same punishment and exactly the same result."

In the meantime, the boy's parents have filed a lawsuit for malicious prosecution and violation of due process, seeking unspecified damages. "We intend to see what a jury would say about that," the parents' attorney said.


Monday, March 16, 2015

Sea Lions Keep Washing Into California For Some Reason

Since January, over 1,450 sea lions have been found stranded on California beaches, crowding rescue centers past capacity and worrying animal experts, The New York Times reports. According to researchers, this is 5 times greater than the historical average.

"There are so many calls, we just can't respond to them all," said Justin Viezbicke, who manages strandings for the state. "The reality is, we just can't get to these animals."

That's a lot of sea lions.

The reasons behind the increase—largely made up of sick and starving pups—is uncertain, but scientists believe rising ocean temperatures may play a role:
Experts suspect that unusually warm waters are driving fish and other food away from the coastal islands where sea lions breed and wean their young. As the mothers spend time away from the islands hunting for food, hundreds of starving pups are swimming away from home and flopping ashore from San Diego to San Francisco. 
Many of the pups are leaving the Channel Islands, an eight-island chain off the Southern California coast, in a desperate search for food. But they are too young to travel far, dive deep or truly hunt on their own, scientists said.

A similar surge in lost pups occurred in the spring of 2013, leading the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration to declare an "unusual mortality event" and release this troubling graph:

Oh boy.

At that time, Dr. Shawn Johnson of the Marine Mammal Center told the San Francisco Chronicle, "We're hoping it's not the new norm." However, the situation may be even grimmer this year.

"Things are worse than 2013," Marine Animal Rescue's Peter Wallerstein told NBC Los Angeles. "We're doing everything we can to take in as many patients as we can."

Turtle Thinks He Can Catch Dog, Has Already Caught Our Hearts

Look at this dumb turtle chasing after a dog like he's got a real shot at catching up; he'll never catch up. And yet even so, onward he plods, ne'er to abandon his reptilian hope—to be sure, he's a real idiot, but one deserving of some respect.

I mean, that spirit though!

For the true experience lies in the chase, does it not? Without it, one grows indolent. Teeth once sharp grow dull. Eventually all rapids empty into still pools. Don't ever stop running turtle!! Your lot in this life is not to catch the dog, but with this attitude, young man, you'll never truly be far behind.

Sunday, March 15, 2015

FUNDAY: Branch Out

It's Funday again everybody!  So you better make like a tree and:

Live for hundreds of years.

(I got nothing for an intro this week.)

Let's go!



Being Grimes looks like fun. And how many other artists could take the beyond-tired having-fun-on-tour conceit, direct it themselves, and make it anywhere near this visually compelling? My count: zero. Just the use of light alone is a thing of beauty.

Lil Bibby & Lil Herb

These two gifted and gruff-beyond-their-years Chicago youngsters came up rapping alongside each other, but they’re both nurturing solo careers, and it’s been a while since we’ve heard them on a song together. But here they are, growling gun threats over florid pianos like nothing’s changed. And before you ask, yes that impossible voice is actually Bibby's real one. They sound better together than they do on their own. Best part: Herb gives his mom a couple hundred dollars and tells her go to watch TV so she’ll stop bothering him while he’s trying to smoke weed.


Not saying you'll ever need to, but if you need to know someday what my dreams are like...this is it.  Pretty much exactly.  Also, the song is a rad feminist fever dream.  Which is cool.

Bobby Brackins f/Jeremih & Zendaya

San Juan sure looks nice.


Toothpaste & OJ

Thank you science video.  You have finally solved what I have been too lazy to research for decades now.  At least now I know why this happens, and will try in the future to drink my OJ first.

Upsilon Circuit

You want your video games to be hard?  Well forget about extra lives, because in Upsilon Circuit if you die that's it for you.  You don't ever get to play the game again.  Seriously. Never again.

Riding The White Line

Mikel Kollbek is a man who enjoys riding his bike.  He enjoys it so much that he will do things with it that will make you have a heart attack from merely watching video footage of it.  It really is amazing he can ride that thing, considering how big his balls are.

Flying Snowmobile

It must get pretty boring up in Scandinavia, with the whole six months of night and all.  Or maybe because of all that darkness, when the sun comes out they just need to go crazy.  Either way, they built a snowmobile with a parachute and then drove it off a cliff.

Man Inside Street Fighter

Thanks to the power of the Internet one man has done what I have all my life wanted to: Became a Street Fighter character.  (I would have totally wore a cooler outfit.)


That's it, we're done here.  Time for you to branch out!  See what I did there?  That is what is known as a callback...See you next week.

Friday, March 13, 2015

AOTW: If You're Gonna Drive Don't Drive Stupid

Welcome back to The Asshole of The Week, where each Friday we focus on one person, place, or thing from the week that is the absolute worst.  This week we journey to the south, to meet some people who are stupid, and thus, supreme assholes.

Driving.  If you really think about it, driving a car is insane.  You hurl yourself down a paved road in thousands of pounds of metal at completely lethal speeds, and the only thing separating you from death is usually a colored line on the ground.  We even give essentially children the right to risk their lives at 16, and on top of it all nothing stops you from getting hammered and spinning the wheel of chance with your life and the lives of whoever might be on the road with you.

People apply their makeup whilst risking their lives.  Talk on the phone, not about their mortality, but about Instagram posts.  They even film others driving like idiots, while they themselves are driving.  However, nothing endangers the road more than one trait: being an idiot.

Hint: Not the correct way to face a car on the roadway.

Everyone thinks the drivers where they live are the worst drivers in the world. While the usual offenders seem to be in Russia, China and Florida, this supercut makes me wonder if South Carolina should be a top contender as well.

YouTube's HaloMasterMind117 is in the habit of taking a dash cam with him wherever he goes so he can share his most hilarious, horrifying and bizarre experiences with the rest of the world. He's mostly in the greater Columbia area, but he gets around the whole state.

This video is a supercut of his favorite dash cam moments, from himself and a few guests, over the last three years. Once you start watching, you won't be able to stop. I don't understand how one person can encounter that much assholery on the road — I've had stuff like this happen to me before, but, like, nowhere near this often.

My favorite moment happens about six minutes and 18 seconds in. I won't spoil it for you, but it will have you laughing.

Then you'll start crying when you marvel at how stupid some of these drivers are. Remind me to not drive in South Carolina, ever.

Check it out:

Wow.  South Carolina, you are truly one of a kind.  Who knows what makes you all so stupid?  Could it be the schools?  Or is it something in the water?

One thing is sure.  Your state is clearly The Asshole of the Week for this one.  Congratulations.

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Please Stop Throwing Pizzas Onto These Old Folks' Home

The problem with lending your home out for TV productions is someone still has to live there afterwards.  Especially when your house becomes iconic after the fact.

And even more especially when it's a really popular show, thousands of people might show up trying to throw pizza on top of your roof—the apparent fate of the real life elderly couple living in the home used for the fictional White family on Breaking Bad.

What kind of pizza was it this time?

The roof pizza is an homage to the show but a definite annoyance to Fran and Louie Padilla, who have owned the home for more than 40 years.

["Drive by and see if the lady or man is outside.. The elderly man who lives here will ask where you are from and tell you all the stories you can imagine from the shooting! Whereas the lady who lives here will tell you to leave," one reviewer writes on Roadtrippers.]

Breaking Bad creator Vince Gilligan apparently felt compelled to step in this week. ViaMashable:

In an interview on the Better Call Saul Insider podcast published Tuesday, show creator Vince Gilligan said random pizzas have become a problem for the real-life residents of the fictional home of Walter White.

"They're throwing pizzas on roofs and stuff like that. Let me tell you: There is nothing funny or original or cool about throwing pizzas on this lady's roof," Gilligan said. "It is just not funny. It's been done before. You're not the first."

Burn! Continues Gilligan, "I don't even consider [the pizza-throwers] fans, I consider them jagoffs."

In summation, don't go throw pizzas onto elderly people's houses.  Even if you think it would be a great Instagram photo.  You are an asshole if you do.  

Instead, show up with a pizza and share it with them.  Be a human being.  Don't waste a good pizza.

Watch These Guys Run Netflix On A Nintendo

Netflix Hack Day is an biannual event for the company's engineers and designers to cut loose and do something wacky. This year, a trio of hackers got the video streaming service working on an NES.  That's a Nintendo Entertainment System.  As in the console that was released in the 1980's.

The results are actually probably worse than you'd expect. The interface works by scrolling text in the same way that you'd run through an old Mario Bros. game. In a clip posted to YouTube, the engineers try to watch House of Cards.

Because something like this requires so much of the console's power and memory the console can only output four colors instead of its usual 256 while playing video. According to the video, the software is running on an unmodified NES console, but the engineers don't reveal how they got the hack working.

Still though, that is Kevin Spacey starring in a 2015 drama playing through a Nintendo from 1985.

In any case, you probably won't be watching the latest dramas or old Futurama episodes on this machine, still it's fun to see people still messing around with the 30-year-old console.

We reached out to the hackers for details on how they got this set-up working, and will update when we have more information.

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Hidden Penises Abound In Upcoming Video Game

Quick question: What do you do if you are a contracted software developer wanting to make sure your work is remembered?

There is only one answer: Fill the game you are working on with hidden penises.  Penises that you are not contracted for.

Zombie survival game State of Decay has some rather unusual "easter eggs." Developer Undead Labs has been preparing the game for a re-release including all of the DLC and boosted visuals. While dredging through the code, they discovered something unexpected though--countless images of penises.

Wait a minute, is that what I think it is?

Because the studio was pretty small when they first started work on the game, they relied heavily on contract work to fill out the open-world. It turns out that many of those freelancers hid embedded penises into the backgrounds. In an interview with XBLA Fans, Senior Designer Geoffrey Card said, "Some of our contractors worked a ridiculous amount of genitalia into the background."

These images aren't clearly visible in any publicly released version of the game, but scaling the visuals up to higher resolutions for the remake made them easy to spot.

A Microsoft spokesperson also commented on the matter saying, "Undead Labs was not aware of the textures in question until they began the process of exporting textures for State of Decay: Year-One Survival Edition, and they are not visible in the original edition of State of Decay. Undead Labs is no longer working with the contractor in question, and this material will not be present in State of Decay: Year-One Survival Edition."

In addition to removing tons of phalluses, State of Decay: Year One Survival Edition will improve textures, reduce object pop-in and generally make the world feel denser.

The new release will be available on April 28 for $29.99 on PC and Xbox One.  No word on whether the penises will be included as added DLC.

Buffalo Gets Fresh With Car Passenger

"Sup, girl?" asked a creeper buffalo during one woman's recent trip to a Washington wildlife park, adding, "Is that bread you got there? Cool. Wanna French?"

He took her non-answer as a yes, as most annoying males do and went to town.

Hey baby.

Needless to say this was a surprise to the car occupants.  In their stupor though, managing to get the wannabe lover boy on video.  It's not every day that you have a quick buffalo tryst, offering food or no.

"This buffalo chased and licked us while feeding him and the other deer in the park," filmer Caroline Walker Evans later wrote of the encounter.

"Whatever," the buffalo presumably responded. "Your bread was gross anyway."

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Classic Arcades Are Back As Legos And It All Is Good

Space Harrier. Out Run. Thunder Blade. These are arcade machines.  They are also all awesome.  Another thing that is awesome?  Legos.  Before today all these machines had in common was that they were great, and made by Sega.  Now they share another great trait.

Apart from being Sega arcade games from the eighties, what do they have in common? LEGO, of course.

Oh yeah.

The LEGO set, made by SpacySmoke and submitted to LEGO Ideas, consists of recreations of the aforementioned three Sega arcade machines and three minifigures to go with each machine, including a tiny LEGO Yu Suzuki.  The god of Sega Japan.

You can find more photos of the proposed set here.