|That's what those X's and L's mean in number form.|
Today is a celebratory day. A day where a cold weather team full of cheaters and one golden boy (who is also probably a cheater) takes on another cold weather team full of lovable scams ("thugs" if you are a racist piece of shit) that has an imaginary 12th friend with them on the field. All inside of a place where there will be no weather at all, because it's a dome.
It's the most unapologetically American (as in US American) day in the whole world, rivaling even our Independence Day. That's because today we get to be real americans, today is the day to get ignorant.
You want a beer? Go ahead and drink 12! You want some food? Eat the most unhealthy shit you and your friends on the Internet could imagine until you wanna vomit! Have a crippling gambling addiction? Well, not today! Bet all you want without judgment.
Today America, you do what you want, no inhibitions. After all, that's what everyone else will be doing, right?
I mean, where else today do you get to watch celebrity millionaires smash each other interspersed with a performance from a big breasted popstar who has not much talent but is celebrated anyway. What's more American than that?
|I swear, this was a picture that came up when I googled "Super Bowl."|
It truly is a wonderful time to be alive, as long as you are a football fan.
|Visual representation of me all day today.|
Kanye West f/Paul McCartney
It is clear we live in the age of snap judgements, where people can choose to hate someone they don't even know over a few videos they see online. Hate Kanye if you want, but it is pretty hard to hate on this. Maybe Kanye isn't the one dimensional person so many people think he is?
Run the Jewels
Nothing to see here, just the best current duo in Hip Hop continuing to destroy all competition. It's expected.
Meek Mill f/Big Sean & A$AP Ferg
Here is the thing about rap music that makes it so incredible: Well, other than being probably the most original American thing. All it takes is one song, nigh one verse for you to go from being a non-fan to becoming a believer. Big Sean just did that for me. Alright Sean Don, you got a new fan. Also, FERG FERG FERG FERG FOREVER!
Big Sean f/Drake & Kanye West
Damn Big Sean, this was the perfect time to make me like your music! I guess you gotta be good if you can get Kanye and Drake together for only the second time. Hey, last time it was Eminem that did it...maybe it's a Detroit thing? Nope, given the amount that Sean is snapping on this, it is surely a talent thing.
O'Dell Beckham Jr. & Drew Brees History
Watch as a man with a long name and a man with a short name make world record history together. It's a little football before your football for ya.
Time Travel Paradoxes
Just to make sure you don't get too ignorant this Funday, here is a little science for you. It will explain that time travel sure is fucked, and every movie you've seen about it is dumb. Enjoy!
We all agree with you Banksy.
Usually I will fight anybody who shits on my midwest locale. However, this is a rare time where I curse the world for my current geographical location. I too should be able to make my own donut, right now, and for eternity. That said, I have no idea what these assholes are doing.
Beast Mode vs Gronk
Not even Conan's shitty jokes can ruin this segment. Matter of fact, don't even watch the Super Bowl, there's no longer any need. Mortal Kombat solves every damn thing. FLAWLESS VICTORY.