Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Play-Doh Very Sorry It Sold Your Child A Toy Penis

Christmas morning, your kids run downstairs to see the tree ringed in gifts.  Excitedly they grab the biggest box under the tree and frantically tear away the paper.  Squealing with glee they realize the contents of the parcel is exactly what they wanted:  The Play-Doh Cake Mountain Toy Set.

You're doing everything right.

You feel good as well.  You've raised a child who loves the same kind of wholesome toys that you loved when you were young.  No iPhone needed here, just some colorful, non-toxic modeling clay that will provide hours of fun and stimulation to the brain.  Especially with all the unique tools that came with this particular set...like the "extruder tool"...wait a minute that's a penis.  You have just paid the folks as Hasbro so that you could provide your tiny tot with a plastic toy penis.

Yep.  Penis.

Hasbro has come under fire for shipping their Play-Doh Cake Mountain with what can only be described as a clear plastic schlong included, no extra cost.  Something that was most certainly designed by a disgruntled employee on his way out the door.

Turns out, many parents are not too jazzed to have unknowingly bought their small child a penis for Christmas.  Even if it is a clear plastic toy one.

Parents up-in-arms over the swirly members have been taking to Facebook to voice their complaints. Complaints that Play-Doh's social media task force is taking down just as fast as their little fingers will allow.  The company has already offered to replace the toy with an "extruder" that does not resemble a human penis...although...

That could be a muppet penis...
They have also released the most well put together statement that a company who seemingly unknowingly shipped hundreds of children an offensive phallus in their Christmas gift, could muster:

We have heard some consumer feedback about the extruder tool in the Play-Doh Cake Mountain playset and are in the process of updating all future Play-Doh products with a different tool. Should any consumer want a replacement extruder for this item, they can contact Hasbro’s Customer Service Department at 800-327-8264.

So in summation, Hasbro would like you to mail the penises back and not say another word about it, please.

Here are some observations I must now post:

  • The official name of the "extruder" is the Cake Mountain Topper
  • Let's all hope together that a certain shade of Play-Doh is not included in this set.
  • More like Dil-Doh. Amirite?!

Merry Christmas everyone.




What did you think dear reader? Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine


Dumb Man Excited When He Loses on The Price Is Right

YOU DID IT!  After all the hours of driving, so many miles logged on the road, you have made it to a taping of The Price is Right!

Drew Carey is right there!  Perhaps your dreams will come true and he will call your name!

Do it Carey, be that dreamweaver.

OH MY GOD he called your name!  He actually called you down!  You're gonna be on television!  This could be the the beginning of a life-changing array of cash and prizes coming your way.  Stay in the zone, feel it.  Bid wisely, bid carefully, and bid low.  But not too low of course.  You got this.  You are gonna do it.

Zowie!!! Yippee!!! Yabba-dabba-dooie!!! He said your number!!! He said your number!!! You're gonna play on stage!!!

Wait, no.

That's not it.

That's not your number at all.

Oops.






Well, at least you'll be remembered on TV for something...


What did you think dear reader? Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine


Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Drunk Man Does Drunk Stuff

At the urging of a "friend," this presumably inebriated definitely idiot attempted to scale the half-bicycle mounted 12 feet up—for decorative purposes only, it should be emphasized—on the fa├žade of RV&E Bikes in Canandaigua, New York. You already know what happened next.

The man, "Dave," elects to follow the advice of one friend over the other.  The friend that does want him to get on the bike, rather than the one who would love it if he didn't.  He would even buy him a shot if he didn't do this thing.

Dave though, has something to prove: How badly he can get hurt on a weeknight.






It was all over the moment Cool Friend, who egged our heroic dumbass on while smoking a cigarette in front of the bar next door, tempted fate by praising the quality of the bike sign's construction. If only the climber's brave, stupid, human face were built as sturdily.

But he would have gotten a free shot if he'd won, so who can blame him?  Instead he most surely gets an expensive trip to the ER.




What did you think dear reader? Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine



Monday, December 29, 2014

1,000 Cats Saved By The Internet

Good thing you are cats, cats.  Otherwise you just might have bought the farm.

Look, if you are reading this, then you are online, and if you are online then you know that there is an (un)healthy obsession with cats.  We don't need to get into it.

It's clear by now.

So that's why it is clear that when 1,000 Chinese cats were in danger, there was only one place to turn.  To the one place where even the dregs of society will come together for the cause of felines.  The Internet.

For just a short while, leaking celebrity nudes, and hacking the Playstation Network was put on hold.  For there were animals to save...the kind with whiskers.  And what do you know?  It worked.

More than 1,000 cats stolen by cat traffickers in northeast China were rescued after their owners found each other on the Internet and collaborated with local law enforcement, Sky News reports.

According to Sky News, the suspected traffickers arrived in Dalian City earlier this month and had been searching the city for cats every night, "before being noticed by a group of pet lovers who share their pet raising experiences online."

The pet lovers alerted the...Fuzz...(I am so sorry) who were able to locate a "cat den" in a nearby village.  Something which probably sounds like a cat person's dream but is assuredly not.  With the 1,000 cats crammed into tight, dirty cages being held before their eventual sale for their meat and fur on the black market.

Never again.

The police arrested six suspects and more than 300 cats were returned to their owners.


What did you think dear reader? Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine


Here's the Only Good News of 2014 and It's All Bloopers

There was pretty much no good news in 2014.  Wait, scratch that.  It's a fact that there was no good news in 2014.  The year was filled with pretty much nothing but shameful sensationalism, inaccurate fact checking, fear-mongering, and in general a bunch of bummer topics.

2015 looks like a silver lining coming our way.

But some funny things did happen on the news.  These things were entirely the times where the news went all the way off the rails.  Talking about those wonderful "live television" flubs that are and will forever be unavoidable, given the "live television" nature of the news. And now the good people of the internet have compiled all those moments for us.  Including a local news team's terrified reaction to an earthquake and a reporter getting beaned in the head by a flying skateboard—into a single 15-minute clip. What a world.

The best part about these?  Nobody gets hurt.  (Well, other than the reporters who actually get hit by things, but they are totally okay.)  Nobody gets fired, nobody gets emotionally scarred.  It's just a bunch of professionals trying to do their job, which is saying things, and mostly screwing that up in a big way.  Everybody wins.

A few personal favorite moments:

  • "Earthquake. We're having an earthquake!"
  • "Did you have to beat off a lot of American men?"
  • And the always classic- "Bababooey(s)"
  • Spiderman all day.
  • "Fuckabee"


Check it out:




Thank you all you lovely news men and women.  See you in 2015!


What did you think dear reader? Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine

Sunday, December 28, 2014

FUNDAY MUSIC EDITION: ALRIGHT I'll Do A Top 10 List

Ladies and gentlemen, it's that time of year again.  Christmas is over, and you are sufficiently materialized with gifts.  You are happy, and patiently await the next coming holiday where you will replace said gifts for booze, and then become really happy, followed by a period of intense sadness.

Hey, that's what depressants do.

Meanwhile though, you are straight chillin'.  As you relax off work you are consuming Internet content (in between bouts of watching The Interview of course) in the form of the "Top 10 List."  Those end of the year articles (dare I say...listicles...)  that every website does.  "Top 10 Celebrity Hairstyles of '14," "2014's Top Suspension Bridges," "The Ten Best Washing Machines of 2014."  It doesn't matter the website or the content, everybody does them.

That doesn't mean they aren't stupid, or that you don't just scroll down to number one and don't even read the rest of the entries.

So that's one thing you can count on...that Funday will never stoop to that level.  That we here have integrity.  That we will never succumb to the pressure that is...aw fuck it here's a Top 10 of the best music videos of the year as regarded by Funday.

Give the people what they want right?

Let's do this!

Number 10

Freeway and Girl Talk f/Waka Flocka 

The Verve's "Bittersweet Symphony" video is a straight classic.  However, it was always missing one thing.  Richard Ashcroft just bumped into people.  He never, say, smashed a wedding cake into a newlywed's face, or ripped off the arm of a random assailant and threw it to Waka Flocka Flame.  I never realized that was a problem with that video until now.






Number 9

Nicki Minaj

Sure, you all thought it was "Anaconda" didn't you. That one is on my own personal list, which shall not be disclosed to the public. No, it was and only ever could be this one simply because 2014 may have given us no greater pop-feminist image than fishnet-catsuited desert princess warrior Nicki Minaj shooting two assault rifles at once, ripping up the sand dunes.






Number 8

Haim

GOD DAMN!  I have never fell so hard in love so fast with a music video/song combo than I did with this one.  Partly it's because I want to live in the song forever.  Partly it's because I want human cloning to advance to the point where I can undergo it and then hopefully marry myself (and clones) to each wonderful woman in Haim.  Mostly it's because there is no other way to invoke instant joy than watching people who don't usually dance, dancing perfectly in a music video.






Number 7

Bobby Shmurda

Kids bunched together on street corners, throwing gang signs, rapping over stolen beats from established rappers. Nothing really new there. And yet this excessively low-budget burst of animosity was enough to get a hook-free mixtape freestyle into Billboard’s top 10 and to get major-label deals for not only Bobby Shmurda but also for Rowdy Rebel, who just dances in the background. Some of the credit goes to that great little Shmoney Dance interlude, or the hat that flies into the air and never comes back down. Mostly, though, this is raw and unvarnished charisma of the sneering teenage variety.  We always need more of that.






Number 6

Real Estate

Andy Daly playing director Tom Scharpling pitching a video crowdsourced with a treatment that could only get made with (fictional) product placement, shout outs, and celebrity cameos.  All for Funny or Die.  Clearly you realize why this one made the list.  If you don't yet though (what's wrong with you?) I have two words for you: Blood Lords.  






Number 5

Dizee Rascal

Dizzee opens the video practicing kung fu while in the Van Damme splits, and that’s somehow the most sedate part of the whole video. I don’t know why we don’t get more videos where rappers deal martial arts death to faceless opponents. It’s not like this approach has ever yielded a bad video.  I mean, it's pretty much the basis of the whole career of the entirety of the Wu-Tang Clan, and well, look at them.






Number 4

Action Bronson

From now on if somebody is so uninformed about awesome things that they feel the need to ask me why I am such a giant fan of Bronsalino, all I need to do is show them this video.  It's rare for one music video to be able to do that.  To perfectly encompass everything that makes an artist amazing, while also showcasing everything you would want to even say about them.  This one does it in spades.






Number 3

Beyonce

Bey made this one with nothing else but her closet, a GoPro, and a selfie stick.   Also, she probably did it while drunk.  Just in case you ever thought that you could ever have any talent at anything.






Number 2

Sky Ferreira 

Remember when this video was churning up controversy for using the black men in it as essentially crime props?  Then Sky went and handled that super well, and everybody realized they should focus that anger elsewhere, like to Katy Perry's cultural appropriating stupid ass?  No?  Don't remember that?  Well it happened to my favorite song of the year, thus making the video much more popular than it ever would have been.  Kind of a crappy way to gain popularity.  Anyway though, the first time I saw it I got excited, simply because it brought back dancing gangs to music videos.  Been a long time I been waiting for that to come back.






Number 1

Ariel Pink

Okay, I said the video above featured my favorite song of the year.  I lied.  This was it.  Also my favorite video.  Ariel Pink was introduced to me by this video.  Me, being me, thought it was something like The Beach Boys mixed with "Goodbye Horses", the song Buffalo Bill dances to in The Silence of The Lambs. Also, something he would probably have next up on that same mixtape while he was tucking his penis between his thighs. So immediately I was hooked.  As for the video, it tells a lovely story of human connection, while also making sure you have nightmares for the rest of your life.  Duality, it works.








Not So Secret Actual Best Video of 2014

Die Antwoord

Okay I lied again, this right here is the best video/song combo, and my favorite of the year.  Come on, could it really have been anyone else other than the dynamic duo from South Africa?  No.  No it couldn't possibly have been anyone else.  As for the trickery, I apologize.  But what's the point of doing one of these without a little subversion.  Don't you ever try to fuck me Tony.  Happy holidays!






So there you go.  You got what you wanted.

Now if you'll excuse me, I will go drown my self in booze to wash this stink of the Top 10 anything off my personage.

Funday will return in 2015 y'all biscuit-heads!

See you next year!


What did you think dear reader? Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine

Friday, December 26, 2014

Chinese Armored Car Just Cannot Hold Onto Money

Looks like there really is a Santa Claus.  Only he lives in China, drives an armored car, and loves handing out cold hard cash on Christmas Eve.

That can be the only explanation for what happened in Hong Kong this past Wednesday.

Well, Santa or gross incompetence...

Dozens of Hong Kong motorists and pedestrians rushed to grab loads of money after an armored truck's doors opened by accident on a busy road, spilling about 4.5 million US dollars in HK$500 notes (US$65) on Christmas Eve, reports the South China Morning Post. Check out all those frantic bastards.






Police has asked the people of Wan Chai, Hong Kong, to return the money, but the people of Wan Chai are all like, "Excuse me? Umm...no way, man."

But the police is like, "come on man, that's not cool at all. Give us the money back!" They have already arrested two taxi passengers—a 43-year-old man and a 36-year-old woman. So far, the police have been able to find HK$5.69 million (US$733,256) on the road and elsewhere, says the South China Morning Post:

We found the money stored under the bed at their homes and they admitted they took the money on Gloucester after getting off the taxi they were in.

Christmas miracle my ass.


What did you think dear reader? Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine

AOTW: Middle School Students Shouldn't Do Drugs At Your House If You're Their Teacher

Well, probably they shouldn't do drugs at your house period, but especially if you are their teacher. 

Welcome back to The Asshole of The Week, where each Friday we single out a person, place, or thing from the week that is the absolute worst.

This time we have someone who just cannot enjoy Christmas week without being a dumbass asshole.

Totally chill and cool for an adult forty-year-old Teasley Middle School teacher Christine Cantrell was arrested with her husband in Atlanta on Tuesday for doing just that though.  After allegedly letting minors get high in her home. According to cops, her students ratted her out after their parents tipped off the police.

See?  Middle schoolers aren't gonna hold you down.  They will drop a dime on you in a flash!

Phil Price, the commander of the Cherokee County Multi-Agency Narcotics Squad, told theAtlanta Journal-Constitution:

"concerned parents provided the first tip of the illegal activity and middle school students later confirmed to investigators the Cantrells' involvement." It's not clear how long this was going on or "how many students were involved."

Cantrell was charged with possession of marijuana less than one ounce, contributing to the delinquency of a minor, and keeping a disorderly house, which are all misdemeanors. She's been removed from her classroom by the school pending an investigation.

One thing I took away from all this:  It's a crime to have a disorderly house?!  Brothers and sisters, we are all going down.

Come on, if you are gonna give drugs to teens, at least let them be in high school first.  Those kids know not to ruin a good thing.  Congratulations Mrs. Cantrell, you tried to be that cool teacher, but your kids just were too stupid.  Just kidding!  You are an idiot.  You have more than earned your title as The Asshole of The Week.


What did you think dear reader? Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine




Thursday, December 25, 2014

Randy Orton Get's RKO'd By Tiny Child And Wins Christmas

Gonna come clean here.  Not sure of the context of this video, or if it even has anything to do with Christmas.  It is not even clear how old it is.

However, it does feature WWE Superstar Randy "The Viper" Orton, the man whose signature move–The RKO, sparked one of the best Internet memes of the year, getting said move done to him by a tiny child.

Orton playing the part of the child here.  John Cena as himself.

Thus, it is truly a Christmas miracle.

Behold:




Sorry woman in background who I believe is yelling, "Wait!"  That's the thing about the RKO: it comes straight outta nowhere.

Wrestlers are giant men, and tiny children are tiny.  Made even more so when they stand next to a giant wrestler (see John Cena's Make-A-Wish Work).  It makes everything more adorable and hilarious, while simultaneously continuing to keep alive the "RKO Outta Nowhere" meme, which is by far the best thing ever associated with the WWE and professional wrestling, and should go on forever.

For example:





And just because it's Christmas...




No one is safe.





What did you think dear reader? Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine




Man Kicked From Flight For Hating Christmas

Sometimes even a Grinch needs to take to the skies. However, for one Christmas grump, it just was not to be. His hatred of the holidays got him a ticket to a kickin'. Kickin' his mean ol' ass off the flight. Our scene–a domestic American Airlines flight, where passengers and flight attendants alike alighted with Christmas cheer to overcome a dark force muddling its way down the aisle.

Santa would be ashamed!

According to the New York Post, the skirmish began when a LaGuardia gate attendant who innocently wished a passenger on a Dallas-bound flight a "Merry Christmas" Tuesday.

The grumpy passenger, who appeared to be traveling alone, barked at the woman, "You shouldn't say that because not everyone celebrates Christmas."
 
The agent replied, "Well, what should I say then?" 
"Don't say, 'Merry Christmas!' " the man shouted before brushing past her.

However, the battle wasn't over there...

Once on the plane, he was warmly greeted by a flight attendant who also wished him a "merry Christmas." That was the last straw. 
"Don't say, 'Merry Christmas!' " the man raged before lecturing the attendants and the pilot about their faux pas.

When the man wouldn't back down, the flight crew reportedly turned to the only weapon left in their arsenal—which, sadly, wasn't some sort of tinsel suit, or present cannon, but Christmas cheer (and aviation martial law). As staffers began escorting the grinch off the plane, passengers reportedly caught the spirit. We believe in Christmas, they clapped, their shining faces burning with fervor as they reportedly "burst into cheers and applause." All is well! All is bright! What'd you get me?'

Don't rub it in people.  Nobody likes a Christmas smartass.


What did you think dear reader? Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine




Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Stupid Panda Acts Like An Idiot

Bao Bao, the National Zoo's well-known idiot panda, is currently hiding out in a tree after touching a "hot wire" in her habitat yesterday.  No wonder these things cannot ever produce an offspring.

Enjoying your bamboo you idiot?


From the Zoo's Facebook page:


For everyone wondering about giant panda cub Bao Bao, she chose to spend last night outdoors in a tree. Staff determined that Bao Bao touched a 'hot wire' in her yard yesterday afternoon. This is a safe warning system used by Zoos for containment. Her reaction was to climb up a tree where she feels safe. This behavior is predictable. Bao Bao is perfectly fine and like all Zoo animals, she is still learning the boundaries of her habitat. Keepers decided to give Mei access to the outdoor yard overnight and she choose to stay with Bao Bao, a likely scenario for a mother panda to stay with her cub in the wild. A keeper stayed overnight in the panda house just in case they decided to come inside. The staff are adjusting the pandas' routine today and are confident that Bao Bao will come down when she is ready.

Pandas.  What are you gonna do with 'em?  They eat a truckload of bamboo, look cute but are actually super dangerous, and sit on their own children with varying frequency.  Then they try to electrocute themselves.

Stupid bears.


What did you think dear reader? Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine


Man Wins Eggnog Chugging Contest And Also Trip To ICU

Finally.  Definitive proof that the human man is meant to chug only alcohol.

Downing a quart of creamy mucilage in just 12 seconds, Ryan Roche of Lehi, Utah dominated an office eggnog chugging contest earlier this month. His prize? A $50 gift certificate to Ruth's Chris Steak House.  Can't blame him.  That place is delicious.  He even won a secondary prize too, although it was not nearly as enjoyable as that steak is gonna be. It was three days in the hospital with pneumonia.

Go ahead, get all that 'nog outta there.  I need room for steak!

Roche to ABC News:

"I just decided I was going to win. So I pretty much just opened it up and poured it down my throat.  Two hours later I was laying on the couch, shaking uncontrollably, nauseous, having fevers and panting."

According to doctors, Lehi managed to get the alcohol-free eggnog in his lungs, resulting in an infection.  Hey though, technically that's just another place to store eggnog when you clearly have the eye of the tiger.  And did he win?  You bet your ass he did!

It being 2014, the perversely wholesome drinking contest was caught on video:





Merry Holidays.




What did you think dear reader? Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Lil Wayne Shouldn't Have Used Google Translate For His New Face Tattoo

Tattoos.  If you want some, go get some.  It's your world.  Want a face tattoo?  Be my guest, just remember what it will do for you.  Tattoos are more acceptable in most places around the world than they have ever been.  Especially if you are already rich and famous, and probably set up for life.  Like Lil Wayne.

Although, there's one thing you should remember when getting some new ink:  Make sure that it is spelled correctly.  Or if you must get another language on your body, like say, Arabic...maybe don't use something like Google Translate for the wording.

Lil Wayne got some new tattoos on his face this week — one on his chin and another along his eyebrow, as depicted above — and tattoo artist Spider shared the ink work in a pair of Instagram posts. Now, if Wayne wants to cover his whole face with tattoos, more power to him, but he might want to shore up his translation next time he puts a foreign language on his body. As The Fader points out, El Arabiya News reports that the Arabic script on Wayne’s face is gibberish. It’s supposed to read “momma’s boy,” but according to Arabic speakers, it’s just a bunch of random characters. Somehow, I don’t think Tunechi will be bothered by this.

Shouldn't the "Third Eye" be on your foreh....awww fuck it.



Although, it is not as bad as it seems.  One eagle-eyed commenter explains that Wayne’s tat is not exactly gibberish. The words are “kid” and “my mother,” so technically it’s close to the rapper’s intended meaning.

 However, various Facebook commenters note that it can also be translated “illiterate boy.”  Which if this is true, kinda makes the tattoo really funny, and thus cool while also making it untrue, and thus ironic.  Which technically makes it probably the most hipster tattoo Wayne has ever gotten.  Lotta levels to that one.

The whole situation was summed up perfectly by one young lady on Twitter, much like everything is today:





That's it, no more needs to be said. 

Wayne, just give us all Tha Carter V.  Don't worry, you are still cool.


What did you think dear reader? Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine


BBC Reporter Accidentally Gets High On His Story

Here's a tip:  If you are reporting on location in Afghanistan, about drug seizures and subsequent drug destruction by fire, you should probably stay a good ways away from the burning drugs and their smoke.  Especially if that is the preferred way that people who use said drugs consume them.

Or don't.  Just stand right the fuck by them as they burn.  So that you ensure your serious BBC report turns into a giggling, high as fuck newscast of the year.  Because homie, you just got your reporting ass high as balls.

That is exactly what BBC's Quentin Sommerville, who has no understanding of drugs, did when he accidentally stood in front of and subsequently smoked the pile of burning heroin, opium, and hashish he was supposed to be reporting on.

Sommerville was reporting from Afghanistan when he started inhaling the news story, eventually collapsing into a fit of giggles each time he tried to film an intro.

Sommerville was a good sport about the whole debacle.  He reportedly posted the outtakes on Twitter Monday, telling his followers, "You've earned a xmas laugh, at my expense." He ultimately deleted the tweet, possibly due to copyright issues.

A spokesman for the BBC told the Telegraph:

 "The video of Quentin corpsing, which has now been deleted, was posted in the spirit of a blooper. It was filmed four years ago - it hasn't been seen before and was never broadcast."

But the internet, she never forgets, especially when reporters collapse giggling in front of 8.5 tons of burning narcotics and the video was quickly mirrored on YouTube. And thank god for tha-hahahahhhahahhahaha.

Check it out:





You got high at work dude.  On camera.  And didn't even get in trouble.  The BBC is obviously the cool news.

Next time though, maybe don't smoke your story.


What did you think dear reader? Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine

Monday, December 22, 2014

Despite World Events Kim Jong-un Video Game Moves Bravely Forward

The developer of Glorious Leader!, a retro video game starring North Korean despot Kim Jong-un as a heavily armed, unicorn-riding superhero, is stoically moving forward with his game in spite of the explosion of unpaid publicity it's gained from the Sony Pictures hack.


I have come here to hack stuff and chew bubblegum...and I'm all out of bubblegum.

Although Sony's Seth Rogen/James Franco flick The Interview has absorbed the brunt of the free media attention generated by hackers who apparently want the film scuttled (no one wanted to see it before Sony and major theater chains said they couldn't, but now it couldn't be hotter), Glorious Leader! was hit with some of the collateral impact.

Now Jeff Miller of Moneyhorse Games, will bravely soldier on and release his game that up until now nobody had ever heard about.  Although he hasn't been threatened by hackers...yet...Glorious Leader! probably only has a matter of time...

He's even adding a level a game set on the Sony backlot, though that only risks generating additional attention and funding for the game.

Miller to the AP:

"We want the game to be a topical as possible," adding that he isn't afraid of backlash from the DPRK because the game makes Kim Jong-un "look totally awesome."

Well, he does ride a unicorn...

At great personal risk to himself, he's also put Glorious Leader! on Kickstarter, aiming to raise $55,000.

Never back down America.


What did you think dear reader? Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine

Naughty Elf Arrested for DUI

Looks like one elf who is more fond of beer than his toymaking duties, is going straight onto that naughty list after he got himself a DUI.  And all before Christmas even happened!

Can I make a long distance call?  I mean really long distance.
It might be understandable if it was after the holidays.  After all, these elves work hard all year.  But one decided to shirk his duties and get hammered in the parking lot of a Target.

His name is Brian Chellis, he is 23-years-old, and he likes to get drunk in his finest "Elf on a Shelf" costume.  When the cops found him, he was passed out in his running van at 2 a.m. in the most magical place on earth, the aforementioned Target.

When finally awoke, not by the pitter patter of tiny hooves but the knocking of one fist of an average size policeman, he "seemed confused to of his whereabouts."  (Hopefully the officer mentioned something to the effect of not being in the North Pole anymore.)  He also had an open container in the van.

Then, just as a parent might relocate a real Elf on a Shelf before sunrise, Chellis too, was transported to a new location: jail.

Merry Christmas Mr Chellis!  Now instead of toys you'll be making something new!  License plates!



What did you think dear reader? Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine

Sunday, December 21, 2014

FUNDAY MUSIC EDITION: Let's Journey Into Nostalgia With The Most Incredible Rap Music Videos of The Golden Age

Welcome back to Funday everybody!  This week we decided to switch it up on you.  Instead of your regular Funday, we are going back in time to examine something from the past.  Something entertaining, something downright wonderful.

So come with me, on a trip to the 90's if you will...

Nostalgia, it can be a funny thing.  More often than not the thing from our past that we remember is often, we find upon closer examination, further review, clouded by rose tinted glasses.  What we thought was so great, was merely only our imagination of a more simple time in our lives.

However, there is one period of time in my life that I can look back on with admiration, and know for a fact that it was indeed just as good in reality as I remember.  Sometimes even better than my memory serves:  That period is the 90's, and that subject ladies and gents, is rap music videos.

You see, the 90's was a transformative decade for the certain genre of music known as Hip Hop.  It was a period that many fans and critics have dubbed "The Golden Age" due to the genre really coming into it's own out of the genesis in the late 70's and 80's.  Artists began to debut at a rapid pace as the now maturing art form evolved and became infinitely more deep and complicated.  It was proven that this kind of tune wasn't just a fad, but something that was here to stay as one after the other each new rapper seemed both completely talented, and unlike any other that had come before them.

Everybody went through a bunch of these.

Along with this the music business itself was in a big stride,  with many new artist commanding million dollar budgets for marketing.  A sum that would often be co-opted into the emerging creativity of the new artist, which in turn allowed them to bring that creativity to the visual clips that they created for their music.  Money begat freedom, and that freedom begat some incredible stuff.

Below you will find just a snippet of some of the most incredibly memorable, and classic music videos to ever have come out of a decade that would end up being the last of it's kind.  So sit back, enjoy, and hit that play button.  You are about to take a journey into the visual world of cool tunes, and cooler people.

Busta Rhymes - "Gimme Some More" (1997)

Where can a discussion of the greatest rap videos even begin but with Busta?  Innovator, creative genius, and absolute comedian, Busta realized right at the beginning of his career that he wasn't like all the other New York MC's.  He was special.  And to showcase that unique style, he would not only do it with his rapid fire lyrics, but in the visuals that would accompany them.  Teaming up with the then relatively unknown Hype Williams, they broke out the fish-eye lens, and got some costumes.  The rest was history.  In one of the most memorable and longest running series of videos, the two went where nobody ever had done, the bizarre, the strange, the hilarious.  Busta wasn't afraid to dress up, to make jokes, to experiment.  His videos could be fun, even if his music was serious. Then they came: classic video, after classic video, after classic video, culminating (for me at least) in this one.  It never fails to make me laugh, even after many repeated viewings.






Missy Elliot - "The Rain (Supa Dupa Fly)" (1997)

I can still remember the first time I saw this one.  I didn't know exactly what I was seeing, but I did know two things for sure: 1) I wouldn't forget it.  2) I loved it.  Thus began the career of another music video genius along with the career of one of the best producers to have ever been in the rap game.  To say that Missy is the woman version of Busta is an insult.  She did things with the visual medium that no one else has neither had the courage or creativity to even come close to.  The best part?  This was just the beginning for her.  The future would only bring more incredible stuff.






Juvenile - "Ha" (1998)

I don't think I am exaggerating when I say that this is one of the best music videos ever made.  Not in the bounds of rap music, but in the medium period.  Coming simply with the concept of "hood as art" it is a matter of fact, unpretentious look at the place where Cash Money began.  We see the superstars in Juvie, Mannie Fresh, Birdman, and an unbelievably young Lil Wayne.  They look hungry, they look poised, they look like stars.   And in the video we see their environment, the heat, the crime, the impossible poverty.  All right in front of us in powerful imagery. Children playing on a dirty mattress, residents out on their stoops, police shakedowns.  This one still gives me goosebumps.  A masterpiece.






DMX - "Get At Me Dog" (1998)

One of the most effective debuts of a rapper ever.  Filmed at the notorious and legendary New York club The Tunnel, this was the world's introduction to the superstar that would go down in history as one of the most intense rappers ever.  And boy did they get that across from the jump.  Irv Gotti, the future CEO of Murder Inc was responsible for this video, choosing to capture the incredible charisma and intensity that is a DMX performance by filming in stark black and white mixed with flashing negatives.  DMX hit the rap scene like an atom bomb, single handedly making New York grimy again whilst tolling the death knell for Diddy and BIG's "Jiggy Era" of shiny suits.  Rap was dead serious now, and had a new king.  






Ol' Dirty Bastard - "Brooklyn Zoo" (1995)

Speaking of grime...Fresh off the iconic debut of The Wu-Tang Clan, the following year each member broke out on their own to put out solo albums due to their one of a kind record deal secured by RZA, whereby each member could sign their own solo deal irrespective of the group one and put out their own music.  An unheard of occurrence back then, and still to this day.  ODB took his ass to Elektra and dropped a classic.  An album that showcased his one of a kind idiosyncrasies to a T.  Along with that, he proceeded to make one of the grimiest music videos of the era.  No concept, no plot.  Just ODB and his fellow Wu associates hanging out in scummy areas, being themselves.  Twisting their hair up into wild braids, wearing an eye patch for no reason, even rocking a vampire teeth grill 20 years before that kind of stuff became fashionable.  The energy here.  It just jumps off the screen at you, the rawness you can feel. There will never be another ODB, nobody else could get that grimy.






Redman - "I'll Bee Dat" (1998)

Speaking of one of a kind rappers...Look, there's 90's rappers and then there is Redman.  Now everybody who is a Hip Hop Head, always says that Jadakiss is the most underrated/underappreciated rapper ever.  The fact is, it just isn't true.  He gets respect.  The truth is that it always was and has been Redman.  The first big rapper to represent Newark (Brick City), the first to become a Wu lifetime honorary member, and the first rapper to make music videos so funny that they made me spit up my breakfast cereal.  One of those is this absolute classic.  The idea:  Redman is inside of every late night television show/advertisement.  The execution: absolutely flawless.  We get to see him: selling his own brand of (terrible) soda, peddling his own workout tape (complete with hilarious address and payment options), starring in a late night Taxicab Confessions show, and even celebrating sugary cereal with kids.  Culminating in one of the most classic and absolutely hilarious interludes ever.  You will know it when you see it, and you will laugh.






Method Man "Bring The Pain" (1994)

You didn't think you'd get through this list without another Wu member did you?  The first video from the man who was clearly the breakout star of The Wu went further in the direction of the group's early grime aesthetic.  Method chose not to make himself look like he was a millionaire, although at this point he certainly was.  Instead, he threw in the grill, the white eyeball contacts, and made himself the dude you might think twice about sharing a subway car with.  It's just one of those classic looks that you remember forever, especially as success continued and he shed this image for more traditional looks.  Still though, grimy as fuck Meth is the man forever.






Mobb Deep "Quiet Storm" (1999)

Every rap video that was memorable didn't just necessarily have some sort of hook or gimmick to make it so.  The 90's was another era for the medium as an effective story telling device, a way for artists to star in their own mini-movies, which often had production value that rivaled what you could find on the silver screen.  This clip is one of those, where the duo of Mobb Deep, more known for their gangster personas, flipped it all the way on you to create something special.  In this classic cut for a classic song, Prodigy and Havoc became betrayed police officers, a bold move for a genre of music that has never, and still doesn't, harbor much love for the law.  They are on the run, writing raps underneath desks as SWAT teams search the room for them.  Slinking through ventilation ducts with night vision goggles.  Just all together something else.






Craig Mack f/Notorious B.I.G., LL Cool J "Flava In Ya Ear (Remix)" (1994)

I know I have copiously used the words "iconic" and "classic" throughout this column, and with good reason.  However, to call this clip anything but those two words would be to understate it's impact to a large degree.  In fact, those words might just be an understatement.  This video right here, is how the world was introduced to Biggie, and holy smokes what a memorable intro.  Craig Mack had been around for a little while, but Bad Boy Records was still a fledgling label, not carrying too much weight in the rap game.  However, Puff Daddy had a trick up his sleeve, and from the very beginning of this stark black and white clip, you could tell as he borrowed the Coke bottles from The Warriors, that Puffy knew he was about to unleash a monster on the world.  Then he did.  There he was, big, baritone voiced, and rapping his ass off.  The rest is history.






LL Cool J "Doin' It" (1996)

Today, it is easy to forget about LL.  As he hosts the Grammy's, stars on NCIS along Chris O' Donnell, you may be pressed to remember that at one time he was one of the biggest stars in the world.  Def Jam's most loyal artist and one of the people who would eventually see the label become one of the most important (if not THE most important) institutions in Hip Hop.  He was innovative, talented, and smart.  Like the way he became one of the genres biggest and longest enduring sex symbols, one of the first to use his body to sell records as a rapper, and made sure he brought the ladies along so that fellas could enjoy the visuals as well.  LL is and always will be the man, for making videos like this, that both sexes could enjoy together, and then later enjoy by themselves.  If you get my meaning...GO BROOKLYN, GO BROOKLYN, GO BROOKLYN!






Notorious B.I.G.  "Hypnotize" (1997)

How could you possibly make a column about the most memorable rap videos of the 90's and not have the absolute kings of the genre make a proper appearance.  Bad Boy Records could have their own post featuring only their videos.  For Christ's sake, Puffy was responsible for singlehandedly taking the video game to a new level.  He created his own era, the Jiggy era, known for big budgets, big singles, shiny ass suits, and unforgettable music videos.  To call this one memorable is a complete understatement.  9 out of 10 people who have seen it could at least describe over half of the scenes to you in perfect detail.  The Bentley/motorcycle car chase in reverse, the boat chase, the fly girl dancers, and BIG's impeccable Versace wardrobe.  BIG himself could hardly keep your attention, even with his absolutely incredible verses on this one, the visuals were just that arresting.  Hail to the kings baby, Bad Boy knew how to do it big for the biggest rapper of the era, both in persona, talent, and charisma. Perfect.






These clips only begin to scratch the surface of the hundreds of incredible and unforgettable videos that accompanied some of the most classic music to ever have been made in the genre.  In just one magical, hyperkinetic decade, Hip Hop music transitioned from conscious afrocentrism, to biting political gangster commentary, to shiny suits and big budgets, onward to the conspicuous consumption of the "bling" era.   And in only a few more years after that, it would all be over as the Internet age would change the music industry forever.

No more million dollar budgets, no more high concept visuals.  Nowadays you are lucky if you get a decent green screen, or a story line at all other than "I am rich and famous and you should want to be me."

That's not to say there aren't interesting things still being done, but never again like it was.  However, through the medium that shook it all up (the Internet) we are able to look back any time we want.  To be able to see a bygone era, and appreciate the creativity that existed, the potential that was.

Things may never reach these heights again, but for a time, things were sure fun to look at.



What did you think dear reader? Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Sony Has Their Eyes On A New Bond And It Is The Perfect Choice

You may have not heard about it, but something happened in the world of international politics and entertainment corporations.  Just kidding, you totally heard about it: Sony got hacked to hell, it was probably North Korea, and all over a stupid James Franco movie.

The Sony hack has been in the news for weeks now.  Whether it be over the tense relations of the motion pictures arm of the conglomerate and Kim Jong-un, stupid stuff like the leaked emails of Hollywood producers, or ridiculous stuff like fake celebrity aliases.

Basically it has mostly been bad news, except for the celebrity aliases, those were hilarious.

However, there more recently has been some really great news to have leaked out for our consideration:  Sony has an idea who'd they would like to be the next James Bond, and it is pretty much the perfect choice.

So who is the man for the job in their eyes?  It's this guy:

Replace that water bottle with a gun, and you are already there.  Seriously, Smart Water was ahead of the game on this one.

In case you are entertainment knowledge challenged, this man is Idris Elba.  He is British, he is impossibly handsome, charismatic, and one hell of a damn good actor.  For years he has been on a near stratospheric rise as one of the world's best and most talented actors, starring in Marvel movies, incredible television shows (Luther, go watch it now), and forever being known as the man who was one of the best parts of one of the best things ever made: Stringer (mother fucking) Bell from The Wire.

That's right everbody, there most likely will finally be a black 007, and the most talented, charismatic, and handsome British man on the scene is the number one choice of the company that makes the damn films.  And you thought Daniel Craig was a good choice (he was, but come on this is exciting)?

And it all came from some leaked emails.

Plenty of the Sony emails have focused on Sony’s prized horse—the James Bond franchise, including the 24th Bond flick Spectre, scheduled to hit theaters on November 6, 2015. Reports have indicated that the script has leaked, the film’s budget ballooned to over $300 million, and that it may feature Blofeld as the villain.

For years, there’s been a lot of online chatter suggesting that Idris Elba, the suave British actor, should be the next James Bond—making him the first black 007.

Current superspy Daniel Craig has even voiced his desire to vacate the post, telling Rolling Stone in 2012:

 “I've been trying to get out of this from the very moment I got into it. But they won't let me go, and I've agreed to do a couple more, but let's see how this one does, because business is business and if the shit goes down, I've got a contract that somebody will happily wipe their ass with.”

 Craig is signed on for just one more Bond flick after Spectre.

When The Daily Beast spoke to Jamie Foxx earlier this year, coincidentally for the Sony flick The Amazing Spider-Man 2, he said he was a big fan of the idea of a martini-sipping Elba:

“I ran into Idris and I said, ‘You know you’re the motherfuckin’ James Bond, right?’” 
Jamie Foxx, a man who does not mince his words.

Elba himself, who along with being talented and suave as hell is also smart, has admitted he’d love to play the role if offered.

On top on of all this, the big wigs are ready for it to go down in a big way. Sony Pictures Entertainment co-chairman Amy Pascal is a big fan of the idea.

An email sent on January 4, 2014, from Pascal to Elizabeth Cantillon, former executive vice president of production for Columbia Pictures, which distributes the Bond films, simply says, “Idris should be the next bond.”

LET'S DO THIS.

What did you think dear reader? Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine



Friday, December 19, 2014

AOTW: That Does Not Translate Through The Radio

Welcome back to the Asshole of The Week, where each Friday we single out one person, place, or thing that is the absolute worst.

This week we have perhaps the most fitting of all installations of AOTW, because this one features an actual asshole.  An asshole connected to an asshole, who works for a bunch of other assholes.

Chilean radio station Top 40 held a contest earlier this week, offering tickets to the giant EDM festival Mysteryland, and one lucky winner got hers by giving a DJ a rimjob live on air (here I'm employing an extremely loose definition of "lucky").

The station asked what listeners would do for tickets to an EDM festival, and the answer turned out be "actual anything, up to and including licking whipped cream out of a human anus." The human anus in question, DJ Paul Hip, then invited other listeners to make out with the girlwho'd just tongued his butt and win tickets of their own.

Never before have I hoped someone was on drugs as much as I do in this situation.  Although, it is an EDM fan, so drugs are most certainly involved here.

EDM fans round the world, do you hear that?  It is the sound of any possible chance of you ever getting any sort of respect from other people flying right out the window into the depths of Hell, where it will forever be burned in a pit of despair.  I mean, everybody already clowned you relentlessly, but now?  It's just game over for you all.

The station, being filled with assholes itself, even hyped up the disgusting sex act as the kind of idiotic "we are on the radio and we are so desperate we will do anything for ratings" that is so stereotypical it is almost beyond belief.  They even tweeted out a picture of the jobbing, not even bothering to censor it like I did.  

Quickly though, they realized how stupid they were, somehow, and deleted it.  But it was too late, once a rim has been jobbed there is no going back. 

The photo has since ended up on the official Mysteryland website, which automatically pulls in tweets about the festival. And since Top 40 couldn't stop it from spreading—the photo, they couldn't stop the photo from spreading—they eventually decided to apologize for it:

"Dear listeners,
 
Following an image that was published on social media, that shows one of our listeners taking a challenge to get tickets for a festival, we would like to communicate the following: 
- The "40 Principales" team apologizes to all the people that were offended for the image published. 
- We want to clarify that the challenge done by our listener was absolutely voluntary and proposed by her, as part of a contest that was open to anyone who wanted to take part of it. 
- Also, we are sorry for our mistake on accepting that challenge. 
We hope that you understand that this was during a playful context and there wasn't bad intentions, and intention to offend or denigrate our audience. 
Hug, 
The Radio Team '40 Principales'."

First off fuck your "hug."  Second, you didn't mean to offend or denigrate your audience?  What about humiliating them for the chance to go to a shitty electronic music show?  You totally meant to do that right?  You cannot blame the fan here, she likes EDM, she clearly has no sense of judgment or self-respect.

Mysteryland Chile runs this weekend. Best of luck to the contest winners in recovering from the public humiliation and indignity they've suffered. By which I mean "attending an EDM festival."  And if you find yourself the unfortunate recipient of a trip to Mysteryland, stay hydrated, wear earplugs, and for the love of god don't kiss anyone.

Congratulations you dumb Chilean radio station, you are the AOTW.  Go fuck yourselves, perhaps you can integrate that into some sort of giveaway.


What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine  

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Deserving Man Gets Awesome Robot Arms

Les Baugh lost both of his arms over 40 years ago in a "freak" electrical accident. Now, in this footage, we get to see him doing everyday things he hasn't done for decades, courtesy of not one but two robotic prosthetic limbs.  Awesome, "the future is now" type robot limbs.

Yep, pretty much halfway to Robocop.  I am jealous.

Of course, there is video of him using his new appendages, and boy is it cool.  Not only for the reason that it will literally change Baugh's life forever, but also because these arms look like something straight out of a science fiction movie.  A good one at that.

Les' arms were made by the Johns Hopkins University Applied Physics Laboratory. Because they're attached directly to nerves in his shoulders, he operates them simply by thinking, as though they were the same arms he'd been born with (though he does have to shift each section of the arm one-at-a-time before "resting").  Yes, you read that right.  It is 2014, and we now have robotics that can be operated by your mind.  Excellent.

Check it out:





Amazing.

What did you think dear reader? Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine

Now That's Some Cool Robot Art

Gennaro Grazioso is a character modeler and a concept artist working in the video game business.  There's a reason why he gets to do that stuff for his job and receive money for it: He is really good.

One thing he is really great at is drawing robots.  Cool robots.  Robots with cool paint jobs and spindly little legs that look like something straight out of that one anime you saw that one time.  

He also draws other stuff, which is also really awesome.  

Check it out:









Like what you see? Go check out more of his stuff, including the 3D modeling that he does (which is also great) at his personal site.  You won't be disappointed.


What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine  

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Adult Swim Just Got Extra Weird

Adult Swim, the late night programming block on Cartoon Network that targets, well, adults (and people who are high) is one of the best things on television.  Through the years it has shown the kind of cavalier disregard for television making sense, and willingness to fuck with it's audience that has only served to gain it more and more popularity.

Weirdness and humor works, and because of the success of the network, the good people at the Swim have only doubled down on their unique brand of programming, and willingness to make you scratch your head, then laugh.

Bless you, you wonderful nutjobs.




Now one of it's new shows has taken the cake for late night "did I just see what I thought I saw" programming.  In its goofiness and free-association, Adult Swim's 4 a.m. Infomercials series feels tailor-made to late nights spent with too much weed. "Unedited Footage of a Bear," the latest installment of the series that "Too Many Cooks" made famous, feels more akin to bath salts.

The series itself is meant to stealthily start airing, tricking the viewer who is watching late at night, and knowing the audience of Adult Swim, probably under the influence, to thinking they are watching an informercial.  This is part of what made "Too Many Cooks" so viral, people thought they had accidentally changed the channel to some sitcom, only to see it go wildly off the rails.  Well, that and that wonderful song.

Ostensibly, "Unedited Footage of a Bear" parodies of the type of amateurish documentary footage that goes viral anytime someone with a smartphone comes in contact with a car crash or sufficiently large wild animal. Then, a commercial for allergy medicine starts, and things take a turn for the dark and violent.

Just check it out, and then relax in the notion that Adult Swim will never change, it will only get weirder.  





Yes.


What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine