Sunday, November 30, 2014

FUNDAY: Keep It Together Folks

Here's the thing: Sometimes you are just gonna have a bad week.  It's inevitable.  No matter what you do, you are gonna be overworked, yelled at, pissed off.  Or just spill coffee all over your crotch as you pull out of your driveway while already five minutes late.  The hot kind of coffee.  The real hot kind.

It can happen to anyone, whether you are a random office working John Q. Public, you could be asked to work on Saturday.  Or you could be a wildly successful rapper who has sold millions of albums, "working" on stage enjoying your colleague's newest hit, and this could happen:





The important thing to remember when struck by a bad day, is to, much like Busta, rebound.  Get back up and soldier on.  Change those coffee stained pants, treat those liquid burns on your thighs, and make it through the day.

You can do it, and if there's one thing you can count on, is that there will be a Funday there to wrap it's figurative arms around you when you get here.

Much respect and love, let's do this.

Sounds

OT Genasis

Behold, the song so TURNT that it sonically murdered Busta Rhymes.  You can't blame Ol' OT though, because I believe that deep down inside of us all there is a need to just fucking jam to the most trap song you can find.  This is a trap music masterpiece.  Just don't be on a stage whilst listening to it.






Las Tetas

Three woman punk band that is named after the Spanish for boobs?  Sold.  Good thing for me they also make super rad music.






Frank Ocean

HOLY SMOKES THE GUY WHO PUT OUT THE BEST ALBUM IN THE LAST 5 YEARS HAS A NEW SONG!!!!!  Pretty excited for this one.






Riff Raff f/Snoop Dogg

Well Riff has hit the big time.  Well, to be fair, he already has hit the big time, but now he has a legit song with Snoop.  Willy Nelson made a song with Snoop Dogg, just saying the kind of league he is in.






Ty Dolla $ign

The Weeknd may be responsible for the creation of super ratchet R&B, and may also be the more capable singer.  Well not may, but is.  However, I think Ty Dolla has perfected the sound of said ratchetness, and boy do I love it.  This song has played continuously since I realized it was released a few weeks ago.  Also, Diplo should just quit Major Lazer and start producing every R&B and Rap song released from now on.  Not that Major Lazer is bad, but his production is just STELLAR.  Seriously, go look up a list of all the rap songs he has done, not a bad one on there.






Sights

Bad Lip Reading Hunger Games

These are always good.  This one is no exception.  Thank you Internet, for creating things that are so dumb.






A Brief History of Graphics

Five part series about graphics in video games is something I can get behind.  






British Grandma Plays GTA

Speaking of video games... First they are smoking weed, and now they are playing video games.  What is going on with grandmas these days?






Make the Husk Cheeseburger

You are gonna want to make this burger.  Go ahead and get the ingredients.  






BONUS CLIP








That's all for this time folks.  Enjoy your week.  Even if it is bad.  Just remember the resilient spirit of Busta, and you cannot go wrong.


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Friday, November 28, 2014

Well There Is A New Star Wars Trailer

Yes, it has come.

The hands down most anticipated movie to hit the Internet, well since last time there was a revival of this franchise has, well, hit the Internet once again.

Star Wars, revitalized and directed by the man who revitalized and directed (then ruined) new Star Trek movies JJ Abrams, is back.  It even has a new trailer to make you excited about Star Wars again.

Hmm...remember 1999?  All the great hype we had for the biggest movie franchise of all time to finally be coming back to the big screen?  How awesome the trailer looked?  Then...oh boy...

However this time there aren't dumbass prequels to deal with, but these are legit sequels baby!  They have the stuff you want like Storm Troopers, X-Wings, and other stuff like this:


Okay.
They also got actual Luke and Leah back, and have even dusted off the living-corpse that is Harrison Ford so that he can once again be the very old version of an awesome character!  In a George Lucas movie no less!

But hey, let's not be too cynical too early.  Let's take a look at the trailer!



Okay, there are people with expressions on their faces, so ol' Mr. Lucas is getting beat there.  Also, some stuff doesn't look like it is made in a computer laboratory and thus fake.  That Storm Trooper man actually had armor that looked dirty!  This, in a (2014) Star Wars film is an accomplishment.

And sure, it looks cool.  It's a trailer, that's their whole job.  Lightsaber broadsword tho...can't knock that.  Also, sounds much like Benedict Cumberbatch on the badguy voice...can't go wrong there.

Look, it's okay to be excited.  All you need to do though is remember 1999.  If you were even born then.

What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine  





AOTW: Black Friday Indeed

Welcome back to The Asshole of the Week, where each Friday we highlight one person, place, or thing from the week that is the absolute worst.  This time it's a whole country, it's us USA.  Way to go.

Isn't it fitting that one of the most American holidays filled with love, tenderness, and thanksgiving to one's fellow man is in our country followed by a day of embarrassment and shameful consumption?

America seems to think so, because it happens every year.  People gather together and enjoy each other's company over a beautiful meal, then tell each other to fuck off because they don't care how drunk they are, they need a new television.  That beautiful meal only become fuel for one's body so that they are adequately strong enough to wallop an elderly woman over the noggin if she takes an eye at that blender you wanted.

I am gonna take this leg bone with me.  I may need to stab someone.


Yep, just as soon as the meal and football are over, Americans go back to wanting new stuff.  Badly.  So badly that they do things like this:




And this:




Here's a few more highlights:


  • Police had to break up a fight over a Barbie Doll at a Burbank K-Mart
  • Two women were arrested after fighting a third at an Orange County Kohls

And an Indiana man and his girlfriend spent the day in jail after mall security ejected the man for being "too rowdy." Once outside, he started fighting a man in the parking lot and when an off-duty officer told him to leave the area, he punched the cop in the jaw. Then the man called for backup: "The suspect's girlfriend then showed up and also started hitting the off-duty officer."

They were both arrested.

Look, we could go over how fucked up this all is again.  How ridiculous it makes us look every year.  But to be honest, you all know it.  

So let's just suffice to say shame on us all again.  Congratulations USA, you are most definitely The Asshole of The Week.  Now everybody go sit in the corner.

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Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Siberians Stuck Have To Push Plane

Sometimes you find yourself on a Siberian airline, questioning your life decisions.  Then you have to stop that line of thought as you are interrupted with a message that your plane is stuck on the runway.  Also, because you are in Siberia, you are gonna need to get out, and push.

A flight from from Siberia's Igarka airport to Krasnoyarsk, the regional capital, was delayed due to temperatures of minus 52 Celsius. The plane was literally frozen on the runway. But the 70 passengers on board, who had already waited one day for their flight, refused to be grounded so easily: They got out and pushed.

Sure, I'll get out.  


One of the men working to free the 30 ton aircraft:

"We just want to get home."

The plane might have been able to take off, but the grease on the landing gear wasn't rated for such low temperatures, which caused the brake pads to freeze up, the Siberian Times reported.

Most of the passengers were oil workers on their way home from work in the Arctic.  The airline denies that the men actually moved the plane, but was just a social media stunt.

Airport chief Maxim Aksyonov to the Siberian Times:


"Most likely, the plane's passengers, oil workers, decided to do a kind of 'selfie'. It was a good joke and it became a big thing on the Internet."

The men however insist that they helped when a tractor trailer couldn't budge the aircraft alone.

It worked though.  The plane was able to take off and made it to Krasnoyarsk on time safely without any further incident.  They didn't even need to push it mid-flight.

So remember this holiday travel time people: No matter how packed it is, or how long you have to wait,  you don't need to get out and push.  Also, you aren't flying from Siberia.

Check it out:




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Tuesday, November 25, 2014

New Jurassic World Trailer Proves Humans Are Stupid

A theme park full of genetically engineered dinosaurs.  We will have people come and see these creatures for money.  I mean, what could go wrong right?

Yep.  There's a new Jurassic Park entry in the franchise which by now has had one classic film about a park full of dinosaurs where things go wrong, and two others where...its probably best not to talk about them.

Anyway, the first full trailer for the revival of everybody's favorite dinosaur franchise (suck it Land Before Time) is here.  It's called Jurassic World, it is once again under the loving arms of Steven Spielberg, and most importantly it stars everybody's favorite person: Chris Pratt.

Also featuring a sweet leather vest.

That's right, when the supposedly smart science dudes go ahead and decide to...ahem...spare no expense with their research and fuck around with nature again, bad stuff happens.  It's up to Star Lord to save us all, and I don't know about you, but I'd feel safe knowing he was on the job with that vest.

It also sneaks in a few callbacks to the original Jurassic Park: "She's a highly intelligent animal" is the new "clever girl," kids are hiding in the shadows from dinosaurs, and we have to evacuate the island!

Really though, this one could go either way.  Either it is a great callback to the original as a thriller with dinosaurs from the man who brought us Jaws.  Or it will be a feature film from the Spielberg who gave us Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skulls.  Forgot about that one didn't you?  At least we can all expect the typical Spielbergian mushy ending.

Check it out:




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Monday, November 24, 2014

Hip Hop's Heavyweights Square Off In Unique Rap Battle

Just in case you haven't seen Cartoon Network's The Eric Andre Show, which you should,  here is something that will make you want to watch it.  Well, if you enjoy things that are both good and hilarious.

You see, we are currently in a fat rapper renaissance, where once again we have been blessed by big men who can spit.

Although we will never again reach the heights of the past.
Action Bronson and Killer Mike (one half of Run The Jewels) are both heavyweights in the rap game, and in stature.  To recognize these facts they both appeared on Eric Andre's show to promote both themselves and the importance of fitness.

This was done with the world's first treadmill rap battle.

The results?  Well, you can decide.  Regardless of how far they can run, both these guys are excellent rappers.  Isn't that all that matters?




Respect.  Best credit sequence ever.


What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine  

Sunday, November 23, 2014

FUNDAY MUSIC EDITION: Too Many Tough Tunes

It's been a great week for tunes.  Too many.  Too many tough tunes this week.

Therefore although it's cold outside, we are heating up on Funday with all these jamz for you to dance to/bop to/enjoy with headphones leisurely.

Preferably like this
So get comfortable, in whatever way that means for you.  Because this time we have dancehall, we have Beyonce dancing in a hall, and ninjas that fight in a hall.

Let's go!

Sounds

Popcaan

Look, it may be cold as shit in most of the United States, but there is one time tested remedy for easing your freezing: Dancehall.  Just put on some of the tunes from the most exciting and talented artist to emerge in a while: Popcaan. Before you know it you'll be sweating your ass off.  Although it might be the coconut rum you are drinking, but either way you'll be having fun.  Let's all just move to Jamaica.






Beyonce

Kilt it. Absolutely.






ASAP Ferg

Here's the deal:  I really like ASAP Mob.  I like that they are from New York and are making their own fashion conscious, all Harlem spin on Wu-Tang (although let's be straight here, nobody touches the Wu).  I really really like ASAP Rocky, the obvious and charismatic star of the group.  But I have always been a sucker for the underdog, and once Ferg was that guy.  The second rapper in the group to break, and secretly the one that everybody loved the best.  Now he is no second banana, he is the fucking man.





Smashing Pumpkins

Yeah, I know right!?!  The Smashing Pumpkins have, at least in the past decade and change, been a band known primarily for two things:  1) They were at one point a great band who hold a special place in everyone who is 27-35's hearts.  2) Everything they have produced in the past 15 years has been utter shit.  That is why it is so surprising that their new song is real good.  It sounds like something off their 90's opus Melon Collie, but if they had recorded a song for a movie soundtrack. You may be absolutely crazy Billy Corgan, but you still got it.  So 90's people, go put on your flannel, get your skateboard, pierce your eyebrow, and get ready to feel depressed.






Skrillex

Regardless of what you think of Skrillex, and you should give him more credit because he is a talented dude, this video is the perfect marriage of visual and music.  So cool.






Mark Ronson

Mark Ronson has pretty much never made a bad song, which is why the fact that more people know of his sister because she dated Lindsay Lohan baffling to me.  This is the guy that made Amy Winehouse famous.  That's why he can get Bruno Mars to dress up like a fool and record a super fun video.  By the way, he's the doofy looking white guy with shades on.  Now go buy all of his records.






Dizzee Rascal

There are not many things more important to me in this world than the gory revenge saga of ninja/rapper Dizzee Rascal.






Brodinski f/SD

Here are my observations on this one.  This video is super cool, and although I don't know what it is trying to say I agree with it.  SD is my favorite Chicago Drill scene rapper.  Brodinski is the best name.  That is all.




Pusha T

Many rapheads consider Jadakiss the most underrated rapper of all time.  There's no denying that he is an incredibly talented rapper (see here and every other song he's done), and has not been able to successfully cross over from rap.  He's the head of supergroup The Lox, and probably the true king of banana features even though everybody thinks it's Ludacris.  Here's the thing though, just from the fact that everyone thinks he is the most underrated elevates him.  You wanna know who the real most underrated is?  It's the man from Virgina.  One half of The Clipse.  Your Pusha man.






BONUS CLIP







That's all.  See you next week for your regularly scheduled Funday.  Keep warm you knuckleheads.



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Saturday, November 22, 2014

Hell Yeah Stunts Are Cool

And people (who are not me) think that F1 is boring.  Well it turns out that all you need to make it a little bit more exciting is to add a semi-truck and a ramp.  Then you've got something that all ages can enjoy.

That's just what two maniacs cool as hell stuntmen did.  They successfully completed the world's first, and thus a record jump.  No, it was not the F1 car jumping a semi, that would be too boring.

They took a semi, and jumped that sucker over the F1 car.  And you get to watch it.  

Let's keep in mind here, that the Lotus F1 car costs millions of dollars to build.  Lots of millions.  Millions that are risked being crushed by a tractor-trailer all in service of a Guinness World Record jump for length.

So it's an awesome idea.
So here’s the setup: Mike Ryan, the guy who can race a big rig up Pikes Peak or drift it around a racetrack as if he was driving a normal-size car, designed the stunt and is the wheelman in the truck. Martin Ivanov pilots the F1 car. Both guys have extensive experience as stunt drivers in various Bond, Bourne, and Fast and Furious movies. In other words: these are very experienced professionals, so definitely don’t try this at home.

Damn.  I just had my semi-ramp set up.

I guess we all will just have to live vicariously through this FUCK YEAH moment until we can all become stuntmen (and women) ourselves.





It’s all in the name of advertising for EMC Enterprise, a cloud computing and data-management company that apparently does something computer-related for Lotus F1. However, this is more than just a commercial, it’s a record-breaker: That truck flew 87 feet and 7 inches from where it launched, landing it in the pages of the Guinness Book.

See Europe?  Inject a little America into anything and it becomes even more awesome.


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Thursday, November 20, 2014

The World's Tallest Roller Coaster Will Make You Dizzy In All The Right Ways

The world's tallest roller coaster, The Skyscraper, is scheduled to open at Orlando's Skyplex in 2017, and it looks like it'll be a tower of goddamn terror. The coaster's track will wrap around a 535-foot-tall monolith, twisting riders through a downward spiral for four minutes with "no downtime."

Accurate visual representation of you on The Skyscraper

Along with being the tallest, it's also the...corkscrewiest?  US Thrill Rides founder Bill Kitchen:
"The unique design of the coaster means more incredible, heart-pounding inside and outside loops, dives, spirals and inversions in a vertical area than riders have ever before experienced."
It's hard to tell if it lives up to the hype without riding it, but we can already tell this much: If you cut together the first-person sections of this CGI demo and threw them up on an IMAX screen, someone would definitely puke.

Wish they would have went with a more original name like Big Ass Doom Coaster, or Tall As Shit but hey, you get it how you can.

Check it out:





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Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Buffalo Has Been Swallowed By Snow

Buffalo, New York has been covered by snow, and when we say "covered" we actually mean the city has been swallowed by a snowstorm unlike most.  NOAA meteorologists say it is a heavy snow lake effect, which is apparently code for "Sweet baby Jesus our town is just now mostly snow!"

Check it out:

What is tha–DEAR JESUS!

You just know somebody forgot their gloves at home.

Hope you didn't plan on driving any time soon.

Everybody laughed at me when I bought those cross country skis...WHO IS LAUGHING NOW?!


Here it is in video form.  Almost looks like a giant cloud just got lost and flew down into the city.  That or the cloud said, "Fuck you Buffalo, I am tired of your shit.  Here's some snow.  And by some I mean the most snow."

Check  it out:





Good luck Buffalonians.  Godspeed.


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Cops Deny World's Saddest Man Taco Bell

In his strangely poetic mugshot, Gabriel Harris of New Smyrna Beach, Fla., appears to be the saddest man in the world, wracked with a deep and abiding pain we can hardly begin to comprehend. But was he upset at his arrest, or at being dragged away empty-handed from Taco Bell at 3 a.m.? Either seems pretty plausible when you're drunk.

The face of a man denied a chalupa.

Harris, 33, drunkenly rode his bicycle into the Taco Bell drive-thru as the eatery was closing, and tried to put in an order.  He was refused due to their closing of said eatery.  As a drunk man needing Taco Bell,  Harris refused to leave.  Something that speaking as a man who has been drunk and needed Taco Bell before, I totally understand.  The employees did not understand.  They called the cops.

When they arrived, Harris was still sitting on his bike near the speaker. Officers claim he had a Swiss Army knife on his belt loop and grabbed the cop who tried to take it away from him. They wrestled him to the ground—which might explain the bloodied forehead in his mugshot—and charged him with resisting arrest.

Wanting Taco Bell, not a crime.  Wanting Taco Bell when drunk, also not a crime.  In fact it may even be an inevitability.  However, there is a right way and a wrong way to go about it, and punctuality is an important link in the chain of enjoying chicken quesadillas.  Not a strong suit of the drunks of the world, but something to work on.

Mr. Harris, you could learn a thing or two from Charlie Sheen.  Sure, he is hammered, but at least he brought a designated driver.

What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine  

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Jimmy Fallon Is A Better Bono Than Bono

Last night was the beginning of most people's nightmare scenario, as U2 was scheduled to begin their week long residency on The Tonight Show in order to promote their new album.  You know, the one nobody even wanted for free.

However, most people are not Jimmy Fallon, the human being version of a Carebear.  If you've ever seen the tonight show you would know that whether it is fake or not, Fallon is excited.  For everything.  Even U2 being on his program for a whole week.

So that's why he was bummed to hear that the Irish band would be having to postpone their appearance(s) due to Bono getting the most Bono injury.  He hurt himself riding a bicycle.

Fallon knew though that the show must go on, even if you don't have the man with the world's biggest bad sunglasses collection on the program.  So Fallon did the next best thing.  Instead of The World's Best Dad Band, he recruited the more simply named Best Band In The World: The Roots, to be his version of U2 (a drastic improvement) and decided for himself to become The Bono.

It's uncanny.
Donning the Bono hat and glasses, the "New U2" cracked into a fiery rendition of "Desire" which is most definitely a better song than what the real U2 had planned to play.




Fallon's impression of a young, vital Bono deserves props on two levels.  One is that his impersonation might actually be better than Bono's at this point. If you closed your eyes, you'd almost think you were hearing an energetic, sprightly, and possibly Viagra-enhanced U2. And damn, Larry Mullen suddenly got really good at drumming.

Two, nobody knows if when you become The Bono if you can ever shed that persona afterwards.  It could be come kind of gypsy curse, forcing you to forever be a douche despite the wonderful things you do for the world in charity.  Hell, that would at least explain a lot of things.  If Fallon starts making exclusive deals with iTunes in the future, then we will all know the truth.

As for the real Bono, just chill man.  Jimmy and The Roots got this.  At least they won't force Songs of Innocence on their audience.

What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine  

Monday, November 17, 2014

Fear Not For Gymkhana 7 Is Here

Take one shoe-magnate-turned-autoracer.  Add one 845 horsepower, four-wheel-drive insane custom 1965 Mustang.  Name said Mustang the Hoonicorn.  Sprinkle a little bit of insanity and a dash of originality, along with a heaping helping of balls.  You now have Gymkhana 7.

mmmm...donuts....

Yes Ken Block is back, with arguably his most popular feature:  The video series where he makes cars do things you don't imagine are possible.

For the seventh edition of his popular video series, Block this time took over another California city (last time it was San Francisco).  Taking to the streets of Los Angeles to make some rubber come off of his tires in very interesting ways.

Earlier this month we only could speculate as to how awesome the next iteration would be after we got a look at the new car Block would be using.  A Mustang so badass that with it's 410-cubic inch Roush Yates V8 was sure to come screaming into your dreams.

Or your nightmares.

Now we get to see what is going down for real.

Check it out:




I like the part where he power-slides around stuff.

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Disney Looks So Good On Video Games

Oh Internet.  Why do you give us so many amazing gifts?

Never mind, don't answer that.   Just worry about giving us continued surprises like the one's below.  Also, don't answer that because you are not a conscious entity...yet.

But I digress.

There is a rather simple equation you can do to make cool things even better.  Here are the steps:

  1. Take one cool thing you enjoy
  2. Take another cool thing you enjoy
  3. Mash them together flawlessly
See?  Wasn't that easy?  Only three steps!

That is exactly the steps that artist Juli├ín Cantillo did when he took super old school Disney style animation (we are talking "Steamboat Willy" here) and added some video game spice to it.

Turns out, this works.  Very well.

Not in the sense that video games and Disney go well together, because despite owning both Star Wars and Marvel, they have yet to make a good game.  In the sense that video game characters look hella cool as old cartoons.

Like this:
Nintendo.  Make this a game.  Right now.



And this:
See above caption x 1 million.


And of course, this:
Even manages to make Sonic cool.  A Herculean effort.

Whistling old timey Mario is everything in the world.  Nintendo, please now make so many pieces of software, merchandise, cartoons, and movies of this that I inevitably hate it.  It will be so worth the ride.

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Sunday, November 16, 2014

FUNDAY: A Little Heat Please

No intro this week.  It's too cold.  Too cold to type.  Too cold to work.

Too cold for my life.

Anyway, you already know what this is, so throw on a quilt and enjoy.

Here's a pop-culture reference from this week:

Oh yeah baby.


Enjoy.

Sounds

Ariel Pink

Okay, let's start first with the music on this one.  I am getting heavy into Mr. Pink, deep in the game lately.  He sounds like what I imagine if a talented musician saw a certain sequence from Silence of The Lambs, you know, this one, and decided: "Yeah, I can take that to the next level."  Then he did.  This song is on that level while also having a chorus that sounds like something The Beach Boys would do on Pet Sounds era stuff.  Just too good.  Now, for the video, the way I would describe it in two words is: intensely unsettling.  No, how about fucking terrifying.  If it gets to be too much just close your eyes and listen to the music, it's worth it.






Lil Wayne f/Flow

I am not too sure if I will like Tha Carter V whenever it actually comes out.  That doesn't mean I won't immediately give it a full few listens when it does eventually actually come out.  I just don't know if Wayne can ever be as relevant again as he was in the 2006-2010 era of his career.  Especially when the rap scene is currently full of charismatic, talented weirdos like Young Thug and Makkonen right now.  Even more especially after hearing the Wayne that was 2012-2013 "I sound like I am tired of rapping and no longer care Lil Wayne."  I will give him a shot though, at least he sounds like he cares again.  Even though it has been a long time since he has made anything like this






Dougie F & DJ Fire

Everybody and their mother is looking for that new viral music hit that will follow in the legacy of the Soulja Boys and the Cali Swag Districts.  Now Jersey might just have their own, with their own version of the famous Baltimore club music.  Jersey takes that popular black house sound and makes it more melodic.  The result?  A song that will get stuck in your damn head.






Deerhoof

After General Zod was trapped in the Phantom Zone for too long, things got really weird.




Sights

Worst Business Decisions

Oh Blockbuster.  You are so damn stupid.  Wanna buy Netflix?  No?  You wanna pass on it?  How did that work out for you?  Hello?  Are you there?







Steak Cuts Explained

Get it right.  Then figure out what you want to eat.  Hint: It's every single one of these.




Allen and Alinea

One man and one restaurant, and a five year quest to recreate every single dish on the menu.  Chicago's Alinea and one simple guy's odyssey to the creative world of molecular gastronomy.







Munchies

Lotta food videos this week (wish I had planned it.)  One of the best food shows on the damn Internet takes a little trip on down to Prince Edward Island and what do they find?  Clams, potatoes, and a whole damn load of lobster.  Don't be hungry for this one.  Consider yourself warned.






Insane Himalayan Bus Ride

It's kind of hard to enjoy the scenery when all you can see is your life flashing before your eyes.






BONUS CLIP







See you next week.

What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine  

Friday, November 14, 2014

Porn Stars Can Make You Understand Net Neutrality

Net Neutrality talk is all over the place these days.  But what is it?  What does it mean for you?

Look, we know you see white men in a suit talking about it all the time, and you can't be helped but fall asleep when they open their mouth.  You have an idea that it is important, but you just don't have the patience to stay awake long enough.

Luckily for you, somebody, more specifically Funny or Die, has recruited some people you can pay attention to, porn stars.  They will explain net neutrality to you, and why you should care.

Hint: Because porn.

Funny or Die got adult film actresses Alex Chance, Mercedes Carrera, and Nadia Styles to break down President Obama's net neutrality proposal. The future of open internet has significant implications for the adult entertainment industry, after all. All of that porn you're streaming on those long, lonely nights in your bedroom actually takes a lot of bandwidth. That those videos stream so smoothly is a miracle of modern connectivity. But if it was up to your ISP, your connection might get throttled unless you pay for faster speeds. Or an ISP might force porn websites to pay big to make their packets travel fast enough to make streaming porn feasible.

Check it out:





So do your part, okay?  Think of all those porn star's sad faces!



What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine  

AOTW: Just Don't Lifetime

Welcome back to The Asshole of The Week, where each Friday we single out one person, place, or thing that is the absolute worst.  This week it was alarmingly too easy, as one television network opens up their ass and proceeds to once again shit over the legacy of a dead celebrity by making a fucking travesty of a biopic about them.

You may have heard the news, Aaliyah, one of the Millennial generation's greatest and most tragic stars, is getting her own biopic.  Then you probably heard the other news, it is going to be on Lifetime.

The deepest of sighs...

Yes, the network that is usually responsible for those pearl-clutching, exploitative piece of shit movies your aunt who you think is an idiot always watches.  The kind of original content that usually revolves around "shocking" pop-culture like their classic take on Jodi Arias.

Even without seeing the film, the single fact that knowing perhaps one of the most beloved and talented young stars of the first decade of the 2000's is getting such abysmal treatment for her story warrants some kind of anger.

Just look at this trailer:




Still don't believe it is going to be terrible and an embarrassment to the legacy of Aaliyah?  Well perhaps these tidbits of info will explain it more.  Following are some other important details supporting the idea that this is a really bad fucking idea at the very least:


  1. To reiterate, Lifetime is involved.  This is the network that brought us Liz and Dick.  Or The Unauthorized Saved By the Bell Story.  Let's not forget The Brittany Murphy Story.
  2. Aaliyah's family has opposed it's production at every turn, refusing to license any of her music for the production.  This means aside from shitting all over the wishes of the family of the deceased artist, we will also get the most half-assed, second-recreations of Missy Elliot and Timbaland's sound.
  3. Zendaya Coleman, the first actress chosen to play Aaliyah, left the project early on, citing a lack of production value and music.
  4. The trailer features the music of Iggy Azalea.  The best way to brace viewers for a virtual onslaught of mediocrity and disappointment is to employ the music of the Down Under rapper.
  5. Without a doubt, the most despicable and disgusting addition.  The film romanticizes the relationship between noted pedophile R. Kelly and Aaliyah.  Their marriage, when he was 27 and she was...fucking 15 years old.
Yes, you read that last one right.  This fucking movie claims that this "love story" is handled tastefully.  Ready to get even more angry?  Well here's a quote from talk show host and human piece of garbage Wendy Williams, who is a producer on the film:

"The family is not happy that the movie is being done but we did it so tastefully, I think the family would be proud," Williams told the hosts of The View. "We're not throwing anybody under the bus, but we are telling a story."

Who can spin pedophilia into something positive?  Wendy Williams.

I can't write anymore about this.  My hands are tensing up from anger.

Fuck you Lifetime.  Fuck your assumption that your pockets being filled is an excuse to make whatever bullshit you want despite how it affects the subjects involved because you know dumbasses will watch it.  Fuck your terrible skills at producing movies, and most of all fuck you Wendy Williams.  You are the worst.

Congratulations, it's the Asshole of the Week everybody.


What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine  



Thursday, November 13, 2014

Kim Kardashian's Butt Can Be Funny Thanks To The Internet

Kim Kardashian's butt.  You've seen the pictures by now.  You've made your opinion, and probably weighed in with it.  Kim and photographer Jean-Paul Goude tried to "Break the Internet" with their new set of photos featured in the upcoming issue of Paper magazine.  They even, as most things do these days, prompted a #breaktheinternet: your home for all things Kim K butt related.

In case you are just getting out of a cave.
Never before has one butt made the waves that this posterior has.  Since yesterday there have been reaction pieces, think pieces, ignorant moralizing, celebrations of butts, and of course fluff pieces like "The evolution of Kim Kardashian's Butt."

However, out of something so non-important, one trend emerged that was better than them all.  Butt memes.  That's right, you see it turns out people enjoy the Internet and don't want Kim K or anyone to break it.  No matter how nicely giant and round their butt may be.  As quickly as #breaktheinternet gained fame, online heroes quickly started their own #fixtheinternet and then set to work.

The butt would be changed, the butt would be "fixed," the butt would be transformed, and all the results would be hilarious.

Here you go:

Truly a triumph of the human spirit

Run! Run free with that bottom!

A little on the nose but I am into it.

Welp, can't beat that.



Well, all that can be said is thank you Internet heroes.  You've done it again.  I raise my butt to you.

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Wednesday, November 12, 2014

It's Over For Humanity Because The Robots Have Already Won

That's it humanity.  We are officially done-zo.  We had a nice little run.  We walked on the moon, entered the nuclear age, and even invented the Cronut.  However not unlike the dinosaurs it is time for us to go ahead and take the route of the Dodo.

The worst part?  When the future beings look back on our civilization and ask what truly and finally did us in, the answer will be simple:  It was our own hand.

The robots have already won, because now DARPA's "Atlas" robot can do this:

Yep.  No way to beat that.

Kiss your mother goodbye, and quit your job because you like everyone else have seen The Karate Kid.  Thus you already know, now that the robot has mastered the crane kick, it's only a matter of time for us all.

The only thing we have going for us is that it cannot do it silently, so thankfully you will at least see your kick related death coming.  (Seriously though, watch the video but turn the sound down.  This thing is beyond noisy)



Sure you could run when you hear it coming, but you know that it doesn't have lungs.  You'll only be delaying the inevitable.

You might as well accept your fate, screaming "Sweep the leg Johnny!"  as the light drains from your eyes.

Thanks a bunch DARPA.  Now we don't have to worry about them taking our jobs so much as them kicking our heads clean off our shoulders so that we cannot even have a closed casket.




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America's Oldest Living Veteran Is A Cool Dude

Yesterday was Veteran's Day in the United States, Remembrance Day in Europe, the holidays where we respectively honor the men and women who have given their lives to protect what we have.  Focusing one day fully on the sacrifice and bravery that have paved the way for our modern lives.

So naturally the news is filled with stories of vets, and usually there is one like this one, checking in with whoever at the time is the oldest living military veteran.

Well this year it is this guy:

Looking good.
His name is Richard Overton.  He is 108-years-old, and he is a pretty damn cool guy.

The WWII veteran has figured out the best way to live, and how to survive to be a centenarian.  It involves whiskey:

From the Washington Post:

Overton used to start his days with some whiskey in his coffee, and he still adds a teaspoon from time-to-time. "It's just like medicine," he said. Overton smokes cigars daily, too. "I'm smoking one now," he said from Austin.

Funny, that's what I call my "medicine" too...

The 108-year-old still lives in the Texas home he bought for $4,000 after the war. He told reporters he generally spends his Irish coffee-buzzed days doing yard work, cruising around town in his truck, and giving all the pretty widows rides to church.

And then?  What does he do after a full day of yard working, lady chasing, and church going?

Well, whiskey of course:
"I may drink a little [whiskey] in the evening too with some soda water, but that's it," Overton said in a recent interview. "Whiskey's a good medicine. It keeps your muscles tender."

Who am I to argue?  I haven't even made it to half his age yet.  Better just take his advice.

Cheers to you Mr. Overton.  Keep on doing it, you are doing it well.

Thanks for the advice on how to make it to 100 and beyond.


What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine  


Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Evil Dead Is Coming To A Television Near You

Good news for fans of the following: Horror, comedy, television, Sam Raimi, and most importantly Bruce Campbell.  That should encompass just about everyone...

Evil Dead, the iconic film series that launched both the careers of Raimi and Campbell, along with the idea that horror could be both scary and hilarious, is coming to television.  And it's original dream team of director Raimi and star Campbell, are coming along for the ride.

Hail to the king baby!

That's right.  On Monday Starz announced that a brand new series Ash vs. Evil Dead will premiere in 2015 as a 10-episode half-hour series, starring Campbell as the titular Ash, everyone's favorite S-Mart employee turned "deadite" monster slayer.

Raimi will return as the director of the first episode, which he wrote with his brother Ivan Raimi.

Carmi Zlotnik, managing director of Starz:

"Starz first worked with Sam and Rob on Spartacus, and we are thrilled to be back in business with them.  With Sam writing and directing and Bruce Campbell returning to the screen, we are certain the show will give Evil Dead fans around the world the fix they’ve been craving.”

Raimi himself also weighed in:

“Evil Dead has always been a blast. Bruce, Rob, and I are thrilled to have the opportunity to tell the next chapter in Ash’s lame but heroic saga. With his chainsaw arm and his ‘boomstick,’ Ash is back to kick some monster butt. And brother, this time there’s a truckload of it."

The definition of cult classic, the original 1981 movie and it's sequel became a lasting series, and now Evil Dead will become the second beloved property to make a revival on television along with Showtime's upcoming resurrection of David Lynch's Twin Peaks, also debuting in 2015.

So basically there's still hope for that They Live television show I have been dreaming about.


What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine  

One Child Lives The Dream Of Everyone By Blowing Up A Building

Little kids are so lucky.  They get to do so many cool things by plying their inherent cuteness to the masses.  Now one child has taken it to the limit.  One lucky four-year-old has lived the one dream that every single human being shares.

That's right.  Young DJ Pitts has blown up a building.

He pushed the button.  We all want to push the button.

Pitts, who had been a patient at the Children's Healthcare of Atlanta hospital, was selected as the chief implosion controller for the Executive Park Motor Hotel, where CHOA will expand its facilities after the implosion mess is cleaned up. 

In the clip below, you can see Pitts holding a cartoonishly large button controller that triggered the 19-story building's collapse, inciting envy in every direction.  The only thing that would have made it better?  If he did it with one of these:

Then a huge rock fell on him, but he was totally okay afterwards.

The hotel had been standing since the 1970's, but it only took 20 seconds and one cool kiddo and this puppy became rubble:




Now, somebody get to work putting a cartoon face and arms on this thing.  The Internet demands it.

What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine  

Monday, November 10, 2014

Here Is A Totally Not Heart-Attack Inducing Clip of People Tightrope Walking

It is important to began on your Monday with a relaxed attitude, and a general irreverent point of view.  Try to not be on edge or excitable, less you risk starting off stressed.

So don't you worry, we got just what you need to start your week.  A totally relaxing, not-at-all stress filled clip of people doing something worth being videotaped.

Although, you might just want to take your heart medication for the day, just to be safe.

And/or your vertigo medication.  Look, just take all your medicine because this thing is straight nuts.

This video is a frightening test of the will for the viewer, only made easier due to the security of the tightropers' harnesses. Two high-wire artists took on the open, unruly chasm of Victoria Falls between Zimbabwe and Zambia, committing to a 100-meter walk over scary waters.

Check it out:






Lukas Irmler & Reinhard Kleindl made it to the other side safely, but hold this quote, from Kleindl, close to your heart: "Optically it's very difficult because the spray comes from the sides and it's like waves, they try to drag you, so it's really difficult for the optics and obviously everything is very heavy because it's soaked with water."


So remember people, if you ever find yourself walking a tightrope across the Victoria Falls, don't forget about the optics. 

Words to live by.


What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine  

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Funday: Keep Makin' Moves

Alright, humor me while I drop a little knowledge on you for this Funday.

In this life my people, people are gonna hate.

No matter what it is you want to do, whether it be get in shape, travel the world, change careers, etc.
People are gonna naysay your ass.  They are gonna poo-poo your ideas.  They are gonna negatory your dreams.

When you do something cool, they will hate it.  They will sit by and radiate the haterade.  You will be able to feel it.  However, there's one thing you need to do:  KEEP MAKIN' MOVES

And now, thanks to the Internet's bounty, this sentiment is in video form for you to use as an example every single time all those haters bum you the hell out.

Here it is:



You see that?  It's clear which one of these two people you should be.  To be sure here, it's the guy.  Not because he is a guy, but because he doesn't give a good god damn.  See that hater to his left?  She wants none of the awesome things that are going down on her news broadcast.

Does he falter?  Does he think, "Oh, man.  I should stop dancing, it seems like my co-worker hates it."  Hell no he doesn't.

He KEEPS MAKIN' MOVES...and so will you.

Let's do this!

Sounds

Hundred Waters

A looped harp and some delicate piano playing can go a long way if you have a singer that is so smooth as this group of folks does.  Close your eyes and lay down for this one.






Big KRIT

Then get right back the fuck up, with one of the best rappers doing it right now.  I don't know how exactly KRIT came up with "Cadillactica" but I want it to be my new last name.  However he did it, he must have known right then, in that moment, that no other title would do.






Diarrhea Planet

Yes, there is a band called Diarrhea Planet.  Yes, they are fucking awesome.  Yes, this does put me in a bit of a interesting situation when I want to tell people about them.  Particularly in public situations.  However, good thing I don't give a fuck about all that.  DIARRHEA PLANET!  Scream it in public.






Dirt Dress

Post-punk bands are fucking awesome.  They make the shape of music that fits perfectly into my ear holes.  Especially when you take an already awesome one, and then add a member that plays horns and keyboards into the mix.  Much respect.






Die Antwoord

DIE MOTHA FOOKIN ANTWOORD.  You best fucking believe that every single time the best duo in music (present Outkast excluded but not forgotten) drops a video, you will find it here.  Especially when it is the best banger on their new album.  Come for the Tony Montana reference, and celebrity cameos.  Stay for the absolutely amazing visuals and super rad Aphex Twin sample.  





Sights

Fuck That's Delicious

The best show on the Internet is back.  Enjoy, and make sure you aren't hungry before you watch it or you'll be so sorry.






Japanese Underground Racing

God damn Japan, why do you have to be so cool?  I don't think there is a person on the world that would not enjoy blazing around Tokyo at night in a Lambo that has flashing neon lights, and shoots fire out the back.  Bosozuku for life y'all.






Minions Trailer

It's happening.  IT IS HAPPENING!






Tim & Eric Totinos

Seriously, give me one reason why Tim and Eric should not do every single advertisement for the rest of their lifetimes.  You cannot do it can you.  You have not one single solitary reason why, nor should you.







Basketball Robot

Regular people aren't going to be the only ones losing their jobs to robots.  All I am saying is, watch your ass LeBron.





BONUS CLIP







That's it.