Friday, October 31, 2014

Watch Some Dogs Reenact A Famous Movie Scene

A few Last Week Tonights (Last Weeks Tonight?) ago, John Oliver got around the Supreme Court's ban on cameras by casting dogs as the justices and releasing the footage for anyone to use.  Like the modern day hero that he is. 




And although it took a little while, someone did use it, but not to recap a SCOTUS argument.

Instead of a courtroom reenactment of an actual case, they decided to take the legal atmosphere and focus on a famous movie courtroom scene.  That movie being A Few Good Men.  Good Choice.

The film, which stars Tom Cruise and Jack Nicholson, and features one of the most famous movie lines of all time as uttered by Nicholson's dastardly marine officer on trial, is by all accounts excellent.  Perhaps even more so when performed by dogs with humans providing puppet hands for the dogs.

Feast your eyes as the very fitting bulldog Nicholson takes on Weimaraner Cruise in the fierce law action.  Personally I would have picked a more smarmy dog for Cruise to embody, but the Weirmaraner was all we had for a defense lawyer.  You gotta work with what you got.




Shout out to that hard working chicken court reporter.


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AOTW: They Never Expect The Teletubby

Welcome to the Asshole of The Week, where every Friday we focus on a person, place, or thing that is the absolute worst.  This week we find that to be an asshole you don't need to just be a jerk, but you can be a total dumbass as well.

That is exactly what 20-year-old Terez S. Owens Jr. is.  That's because he is facing charges for breaking into a home in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania and stealing some Chinese food.  It is also worth mentioning that he did all this while dressed as the yellow Teletubby, better known as La-La.

The Boohbahs would never do something like this.



Easton, Pennsylvania's Express-Times reports the Teletubby, broke into a friend's house around 2 a.m. Sunday morning, damaging the friend's door. According to police, Owens then went to the fridge and dumped leftover Chinese food—perhaps intentionally outside of the standard Teletubby diet (tubby custard ["tubby tustard"] and tubby toast) to throw cops off the scent—into a "man purse" before leaving.

Police caught up with him soon after (probably because there weren't many other people dressed as Teletubbies on the street at that time) and identified him as the suspect, which to reiterate, was a Teletubby.

Though the victims first declined to press charges, Bethlehem police Chief Mark DiLuzio told the Express-Times that they changed their minds after their landlord got involved. 

From the Express-Times:
The residents met Wednesday with a detective, and police filed charges of criminal mischief and disorderly conduct with District Judge Nancy Matos-Gonzalez's office, DiLuzio said. They will be sent to Owens via summons.

"Not that many Teletubbies get arrested," the Chief said of the arrest.

Yeah, sure.

Not that many Teletubbies get caught.

The worst part about the whole thing?  La-La is a girl.  At least get that right.

Congratulations Mr. Owens, you are an idiot and thereby the Asshole of The Week.  You've earned it.


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Thursday, October 30, 2014

Walking Down The NYC Streets As A Man Turns Out To Be The Best

Sure, walking down the street as a woman comes with constant catcalls and unwanted attention, microaggressions that add up to an uncomfortable experience no matter how benign any single incident may appear.  Basically a disgusting nightmare.

Having your privacy and personal space invaded willingly and repeatedly by assholes on the street sucks.  Furthermore, there's not much a normal woman can do about it other than get angry every 5 minutes and wear herself out shouting down every asshole that hollers her way.

However there is one alternative that nobody thought of: Have you tried being a man? It's awesome!

Especially the whole "having a penis" part.

Funny or Die decided to follow one white man (who wasn't even dressed provacatively) as he walked around New York for 10 straight hours of delightful privilege.  Without even opening his mouth, he received over 100 instances of white-guy perks and basic human respect.





Sure, it wasn't all candy bars and lollipops though, there was that one guy that high-fived him for about 5 minutes.  That must have been annoying.

With his luck, strangers on the internet will probably start threatening him with business opportunities or offers of more free stuff just for existing.



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T-Pain Doesn't Need Any Damn Auto-Tune

It is 2014, and it is nigh impossible for someone who was a fan of popular music during the second half of the first decade in the 2000's to think of that era's king hit-maker (T-Pain) without drumming up the buzzing synthetic harmony that is Auto-Tune.  To be fair, this is because he pretty much put that sound on the map and then used it to make a metric ton of dollars.  While also inspiring a bunch of other shitty pop songs from other artists.

Things have changed...

However, much like his signature dreadlocks, T-Pain can and has shed his Auto-Tune to let the world know one thing:  He can actually sing.  A specific fact that many artists who regularly use Auto-Tune in 2014, cannot claim.

Appearing as a guest on NPR's Tiny Desk Concert series, Pain talked about how the metallic sound that originally brought him success ended up being his downfall, as eventually the heavy Auto-Tune sound became passé.  Much like everything else does in popular music...eventually.

T-Pain to All Things Considered:

"People felt like I was using it to sound good.  But I was just using it to sound different."

Then T-Pain dropped the filter for a series of soulful a capella renditions of Buy U a Drank, Up Down, and Drankin' Patna, telling his interviewer what everyone was thinking—"This is weird as hell for me."

Check it out:





Get em' Pain!  

Also, Auto-Tune or not, this is still a straight classic:





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Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Harry Potter Can Rap Everybody

Last night on The Tonight Show Jimmy Fallon had a special guest in Daniel Radcliffe, who of course will forever be known to many (despite his best efforts) as Harry Potter.

Seriously, he's doing some cool stuff.

Radcliffe was there to promote an upcoming movie, however like it so often does in late night television (in the very best way) the conversation turned away from films and into other territory.  Like the musical kind.  To be more specific, the rap music genre, which Radcliffe is surprisingly a huge fan of.

The young actor mentioned that one of his hobbies with regards to enjoying rap music is to make a point to learn the most intricate and lyrically complicated songs by heart, which on a late night television show often instantly equates to a challenge.

In a set up but no less entertaining bit, Fallon then challenged Radcliffe to recite one of the most historically lyrically deft songs in the catalogs of rap music history: Blackalicious' "Alphabet Arobics."  A song that could not be more appropriately titled.

Radcliffe of course accepted, and with a little help from Fallon and of course The Roots, who are no stranger to deft lyrical music.  The result, in all it's glory, you will find below.

Check it out:




Potter can spit.

Also, seriously go check out Blackalicious, their music will make you feel that emotion that is sometimes hard to get ahold of these days.  Talking about pure happiness.

Exhibit A:




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Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Get Your Money Ready So Marvel Can Take It All

Turns out people still are excited about comic book movies.

During a "secret" event for fans and press today in Los Angeles at Disney's El Capitan theater, Marvel Studios revealed their upcoming plans for the next few years.  They revealed the titles and release dates for nine, count em, nine all new Marvel "Phase 3" films.  A proposition which sounds less like a plan for entertainment releases and more like a calculated ploy to take all the money right out of your wallet.

Which it is.

But hey, fuck it right because there are gonna be a ton of new Marvel movies!

Suck on this world!
That's right, although the sequel to The Avengers isn't even out yet, Marvel and their parent company Disney already have two more Avengers movies coming for your neck.  

Combining both a plan for established characters like Captain America having more sequels, and introducing new fan favorites like Doctor Strange, Marvel has their schedule set through 2018.  That's right, 2018.  So if you are jazzed to see the big screen adaptation of The Inhumans, you have quite a wait ahead of you.

The schedule is as follows:

  • Captain America: Civil War (May 6th, 2016);
  • Dr. Strange (Nov. 4th, 2016);
  • Guardians of the Galaxy 2 (May 5th, 2017);
  • Thor: Ragnarok (July 18th, 2017);
  • Black Panther (November 3, 2017);
  • Avengers: Infinity War, Part 1 (May 4th, 2018);
  • Captain Marvel (July 6th, 2018);
  • Inhumans (November 2nd, 2018);
  • Avengers: Infinty War, Part 2 (May 3rd, 2019).
Comic fans have much to be excited for if the titles of the films are to be believed.  Marvel's "Civil War" storyline was one of the most popular series in the company's history, pitting superheroes like Iron Man against Cap' in a giant throwdown.

Fan favorite Thor is also returning, along with everybody's lovable favorite mercenary team in Guardians of the Galaxy 2.  

However, one particular entry is the most exciting to one particular comic book fan (me.)  Mother fucking Black Panther, long rumored to be getting his own movie, is coming to the big screen in 2017.  That's right, one of the (tragically) few black superheroes, African prince and Marvel's version of Batman is getting his own movie, and they even had concept art to prove it.

This was my childhood, and it was awesome.

So there you are public, you asked for it, and you got it.  Enjoy the next 5 years.


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Getty Images Are Just Too Hard

Getty Images is a company that you have no doubt heard about if you ever had to do a college or high school project and needed a photo of a enthused person talking on a phone, or a group of business people walking down a hallway smiling.

Yes Getty Images is pretty much the Coca-Cola of stock images and footage.  A company that has become synonymous with the products they provide, which is usually the kind of shit that you see in those horrible videos you have to watch when you get hired at a terrible service job.

They make tons of money by hiring actors to put on a suit, or act like a typical whitebread USA family, all while smiling the type of smiles that you just cannot genuinely display.  Even if you are at your happiest.

You know, stuff like this...
It's the kind of thing that is super boring on it's own.  The kind of company that infuriated you late nights before your Powerpoint was due, when you find the perfect photo of John Lennon to steal off the Internet, only to realize it has a fucking Getty Images watermark on it, and you will be fucked if you are gonna pony up your last dollars to actually legally buy it.

After all, that money is for beer.

Now, being that Getty Images is an entity that exists on the Internet, people have found a way for it to be made into something totally fun.  Turns out, Getty stock footage is pretty perfect when set to rap music.  It's like you already had your music video made for you.

Prepare yourself for enjoyment, and a whole bunch of inner monologue questions:





Office life, fo' lyfe.




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Monday, October 27, 2014

Tough Guys Capture Giant Alligator Bare-Handed

Two men in Jacksonville, Fl. who had been on the lookout for a massive alligator finally took their reward on Thursday when they were able to get their hands on a 765-pound, 13-foot-4-inch "monster" alligator. They promptly named him Lumpy.

Lumpy and company.

Kelly Sziy and Keith Kelley had been searching for the giant for months, the Atlanta Journal-Constitution reports.  Thursday, before sunrise, they spotted their prey, and were able to take it down using only "a rope, a few hooks, and their manly strength."

From the Atlanta Journal-Constitution:

"Put some leather gloves on and I told Kelly: we're going to have to get him by hand and that's all it is to it. Hang on," Kelly continued.
Four hours later, "Lumpy" was brought in and weighed. He was so heavy, he broke the scale. Specialists at the Alligator Farm say they don't see those kinds of catches very often.

Lumpy was taken down and killed for meat, shortly being processed after it's capture. Although it isn't clear why they named it before they killed it. Lumpy's head was mounted on a wall, and the men celebrated by continuing their hunt for larger and lumpier alligators to kill.

R.I.P. Lumpy.  See you on the other side.

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Lavar Burton Curses For Sick Children

Every year during the end of October to the beginning of November is a special time for a certain section of the enthusiast population.  For years now it has historically been the time when everybody who shares both a love for video games and doing something for others comes together for Extra Life.

For the uninitiated, Extra Life is a huge organization that helps raise money to help hospitalized kids all over the country.  Gamers from all over, along with gaming websites and personalities hold their own live streams where they often take part in video game marathons.  During these marathons they ask for donations which will 100% go to various hospitals and organizations for sick children.

It's the best.  Really.

What makes these streams unique is that most of the fundraisers often sweeten the pot to incentivize all of their viewers to donate.  Sometimes they offer giveaways of prizes, and sometimes they offer even better things: Like Lavar Burton.

Yep, for one popular online video game enthusiast group, Rooster Teeth, they were able to do just that, brining in the voice of your childhood to read a filthy children's book for charity.

Burton, who is no stranger to helping children, or raising money for charity, appeared on the stream reading the hilariously expletive filled "childrens" book Go The Fuck to Sleep. Burton's narration of the Adam Mansbach book is both hilarious and sweet, and just the kind of thing that gets people to open up their wallets.

Check it out:





Roster Teeth raised more than $82,000 for Children's Miracle Network hospitals in a handful of hours.  If you want to take part in the fun and charity visit Twitch to watch the streams or Extra Life t donate directly.  

Next year, maybe Sam Jackson will make an appearance.

For the kids!



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Sunday, October 26, 2014

Funday: Run It All Day

Look, I was going to write a nice intro and everything, then something happened.  Something monumental and totally unexpected.  So I won't waste your time with words.  I will simply say hit play, and enjoy.

I guarantee you will...





Funday y'all.  Run it.

Sounds

Rich Gang

Say what you will about Birdman's rap skills (or lack thereof) but one thing about him is undeniable.  He is one of the most astute star-makers in popular music today.  After all, this guy has been instrumental in the careers of three of the biggest musicians of the past decade in Lil Wayne, Nicki Minaj, and Drake.  Now he has done it again.  He has taken two relatively middle of the road but talented rappers and made them into an incredibly effortless hit-makers.  Young Thug and Rich Homie Quan have put out one of the best mixtapes of the year on their incredible chemistry, and their ability to sing when they need to and rap when needed.  Just look at how these two play off each other in the video, it's visual.  Also, fun game, try to figure out that handshake just by watching the video repeatedly.  It will be fun and have a great soundtrack.






Gwen Stefani

Hey everyone, Gwen is back!  Yeah sure, the video is pretty tame, and the song isn't too original, but no matter.  Gwen holds a special place in just about everyone's heart who was born mid 80's to early 90's so I continue to be excited about this.  Also, this could mean that the inevitable Gwen solo, then No Doubt group album cycle could continue.  Which I am very on board for, even if their last album kinda sucked as well.






Girl Talk & Freeway f/ASAP Ferg

Holy shit this video features just about everything that I think is cool.  Good rapping, catchy music, The Simpsons, AK47s, attitude, and above all MOTHER FUCKIN' FERG.  Girl Talk and Freeway teamed up last year, and while at first it seemed a strange pairing, quickly I figured out that the awesome singular qualities that each partner had only served to enhance their teamup.  Just like when Batman and Superman hang out and kick people's asses.






Peaking Lights

I am just gonna be honest here.  I included this one only because it reminds me of the "Sledgehammer" video.  Shout out to Peter Gabriel.




Low Pros f/Travis Scott

Last year producers A-Trak and Lex Luger, two men who each define one of the two types of "Trap Music" teamed up to form Low Pros.  Since then they have been making music that blurs those lines.  It has been a good idea that they did this.  This time they recruited one of Texas' up and comers to wander around a futuristic Japanese city in one of the coolest videos I have seen in a while.






Sights

The 20,000 Calorie Diet

Meet Robert.  He is a lovable, hairy, bearded giant man, whose job is to be a literal strongman.  To be a strongman, you need to eat.  A ton.  Almost literally, a ton of delicious and protein rich meats.  Follow a regular day in the life of a man who can eat as much meat as his giant body allows him to.  What a wonderful life.






Extreme Enduro Motorcycles

What happens when you hold a motorcycle race in the streets and alleys of Portugal?  Some serious shit.  Come along for a ride with two dudes whose figurative balls are gigantic, as you witness the insanity.






Euro-Stereotypes

Don't feel bad Americans.  Everybody in Europe hates each other just as much as we think they all hate us.  But it's all cool, the tiny cartoons will make it not feel so bad.






Il Capo

Watch some high-definition cameras and some dudes with heavy machinery answer the questions you didn't even know you wanted to ask.  Like, I wonder how cool a marble quarry must look? (Awesome.) Or, wouldn't it be cool to live inside of a marble quarry?  (Yes.) You know, stuff like that.






Slow Memes

Gav and Dan, AKA the Slow Mo Guys, are back to recreate your favorite memes, but with their own spin.  That would be the ultra slow mo.  This is pretty much what the Internet exists for.






BONUS CLIP






Get out there and be somebody.  See you next week.




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Friday, October 24, 2014

A Large Amount of People Would Like To Be Extras On Game of Thrones

People like that Game of Thrones don't you know.  Lot's of people.  So many people that when a recent Spanish casting call for extras went out to the masses, people went all like they were the freed slaves of Meereen and flooded all over the servers. (That's a little bad Thrones humor for you.) With 86,000 people turning up for 600 roles that were available.

Don't worry, they brought their own costumes.



According Entertainment Weekly, local production company Fresco Film had to purchase new servers to handle the overload of Spanish fans, just one of many hurdles producers have facedwhile shooting this season.


One guy, who totally seems like he is the coolest, even took a break from his "high level banking job" to perhaps appear for a split-second in the background of a television show.

The fandom was strong. The production has also turned low-level PA's into celebrities—fans reportedly requested pictures with staffers because they had Game of Thrones badges on.

The Westeros mania however did have at least one positive effect:
Obviously, local officials are thrilled with the attention and visitors, as Getty reports that all of the hotel rooms in Osuna have been booked through the end of October, and the tourism center has even extended its hours to accommodate the show's fans who traveled with the hopes of getting to participate in a scene.
So hear that Osuna small business owners?  Start selling Daenerys coffee, and Stannis sweetrolls or something.  Clearly these suckers will fall for it all.




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Thursday, October 23, 2014

It Is 2014 And Hoverboards Are Real

Get out your email folks, because it is time to email every bad comedian of the past 2014 years who made a "Why don't we have floating cars?" joke and give them a virtual middle finger.  It's the second decade of the 2000's and we have hoverboards.

First we got the shoes, then the board.  That's how technology works.

It may be a marketing stunt, it may weigh 90 pounds, it may drain it's batteries in a few minutes, but fuck it.  Hoverboards!  Hoverboards that you can buy for the low price of $10,000.




Arx Pax’s product really does hover. There’s one small catch, though – it will only hover on special surfaces, because it uses magnets, just like a maglev (magnetic levitation) train. The current prototype of the Hendo – the company’s 18th – will hover about 3cm off the ground carrying up to 140kg (about two people) for around 15 minutes. It uses a strong magnetic field to repulse a ground-based material and float in the same way maglev trains operate. That means that Hendo will only float over floors made of non-ferrous metals such as copper or aluminium; this is no skateboard for flying down to the local supermarket, or around the town square hoiked to the back of a pickup truck.

But let Arx Pax founder Greg Henderson tell you a little bit more about your dreams that have come true:
“About two years ago, we began investigating magnetic field architecture (MFA) and hover technology as a better way to build, move people and move materials.  During our research, we discovered a way to transmit electromagnetic technology that is far more efficient than anything else. This means that our patent-pending Hendo Hover Engine technology can enable platforms to hover over non-ferrous materials with payloads of virtually any size and weight.”

So basically, this technology could be used to move incredibly heavy things in the future, like buildings, or all the fat people that live in the United States.

The company, is of course shilling their wares on Kickstarter, and looking for a cool $250,000 to begin production.

The future is now.


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Wednesday, October 22, 2014

The New Avengers Trailer Leaked And Oh Boy Is It Something

Remember The Avengers?  You know, that movie that made more money than any movie ever before it?  Well, surprise!  It is getting a sequel.  A sequel where all your favorite superpowered people, and a couple of normal people get to fight a badass robot named Ultron.  A robot named Ultron who is voiced by James Spader.  Turns out, turning James Spader into a literal comic book villain is a good idea.

Get in my eyeballs now.


You probably heard about it.  It's called Avengers: Age of Ultron, and it's trailer just leaked online.

Here it is, and yes the quality sucks, but watch it before it gets taken down:



ap_tlr-1_int_360p by scotty2cky


So, that looks pretty cool right?

If you know at least a modicum about comic books, odds are you are thinking it looks much more than a little cool.  That's because you noticed that giant Iron Man suit AKA The Hulkbuster Armor.  You don't need to love comics to read that name and figure out what is going to happen in this movie.

I mean it is right there in the trailer: Iron Man and Hulk are gonna tangle.  Big time.

Also, Ultron.  Which is a good choice for villain, and much better than the stupid aliens that made up the first movie.  Don't know anything about Ultron?  Here you go.  Don't want to read that?  Well, just know that he is a nigh indestructible ass-kicker that can go toe-to-toe with any one of our heroes.  Good choice indeed.

You may have noticed two other fresh faces making up a part of said trailer.  Aaron Taylor-Johnson and Elizabeth Olsen are two new superheroes that will be joining the movie as Quicksilver and Scarlett Witch.  Trust me on this one, they are gonna be awesome, and vital.

And thus, hundreds of millions of dollars were made in the summer if 2015.

Update: 

Marvel went ahead and released the real deal, since they dropped the ball.  So here it is in all it's high def glory:




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Bill Murray Doesn't Need Tinder

Bill Murray is in a new movie called St. Vincent, which is supposed to be pretty good.  This is good news, but the real good news is that ol' Bill has to go and promote the new movie he is in, which means we all get to benefit from him being on late night television.   The environment where Bill Murray can be Bill Murray, and by this fact we all benefit.


This is good.
Earlier this month that meant he appeared on David Letterman's show wearing a tuxedo, and training for the NY Marathon.  Last night he appeared on Jimmy Kimmel's show where the topic of conversation turned to Tinder, and whether or not Bill needed or enjoyed using it.  He said simply what most of us probably already thought about Bill Murray on Tinder.  He would use it, but he probably didn't need to:

"I think it would be amusing, but I can't imagine doing it," he told Kimmel. "I feel like I've lived that life and I can live that life any moment."






Murray also told Kimmel about his recent bout of just showing up out of nowhere. He's dying to go to the airport and just fly somewhere, anywhere. "I'm not giving up on my dream," he said, trailing off.







You don't even need to make anymore movies Bill, just go on talk shows every week and talk.  That's all we need.





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AOTW: Man Faked Coma For Years To Get Out Of Court

Welcome back to The Asshole of The Week, where each Friday we single out a person, place, or thing that is the absolute worst.  This week however, things just couldn't wait, for one asshole across the pond is just to heinous to sleep on.

One con artist proved his dedication to his craft as he put up a charade whereby he faked a coma every time he was going to be summoned to court.  He managed to keep it up for two years.

Two years of that when you didn't need it?  Woah buddy.

Police in South Wales say 47-year-old Alan Knight—who had also been illegally living off benefits by pretending to be a quadriplegic—had spent about three years conning his neighborout of $65,000 when he came up on their radar.

He told the authorities that he had injured his spine in a, get this, garage door accident.  He claimed this had paralyzed him from the neck down and caused seizures that occasionally put him into a coma.  His wife, who also sucks as a person, played along with his ploy.  She "cared" for him at the hospital, and pushed his wheelchair into the courtroom.  

However, like most people who do this sort of thing, Knight was not wholly dedicated to his lie. Also, he was an idiot. The imaginative conman got busted after the court was presented with CCTV footage of Knight—un-paralyzed, very-much-awake—driving and shopping at a supermarket.

His doctors also thought it was strange when their coma patient was seen "eating, wiping his face, and even writing."

Police also noted that Knight happened to be an asshole of a person:
Jim Davis, prosecuting, who did not open the case, said another aggravating feature was that Knight had made a "totally false" attempt to blame his own son for the offences.

Congratulations Mr. Knight, you are clearly a gigantic, massive, total asshole and therefore The Asshole of The Week.  Fuck you very much.



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Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Angry Mom Wants To Ban Breaking Bad Toys

Susan Schrivjer AKA the one mom one of your friends had that made you feel sorry for them, is fed up. The Fort Myers, Fla. mother has started a petition to get Toys 'R Us to remove Breaking Bad action figures from their shelves.  Then she assumedly continued being the mom that won't let her children play with squirt guns because they're too violent, cannot believe that other parents let their children drink soda, and generally makes her children's lives the opposite of what a child's life should be like.
"Kids mimic their action figures, if you will," she told WFTX. "Do you want your child in an orange jumpsuit?"
What about being a brilliant and successful chemist who happens to make vast sums of money?  Sure, they may imitate their toys, but unless you actually let them see Breaking Bad, how will they know what this rather boring looking bald man even represents?  And yes, kids imitate action figures that they know about, which is why I grew up to become a hybrid Wolverine/Ninja Turtle/Batman/Superman, and never amounted to anything.

Watch out!
 Sorry Susan, but this is also some tricky logic you are deploying (gasp!).  Because I don't know if you know this, but there are tons of other toys that you think are fine, like the Predator.  This is just me talking here, but I would much rather my son become a bald meth dealer than a giant mandible having, dreadlocked alien who hunts Arnold Schwarzenegger and various other muscle bound men for sport in a South American jungle.

The Breaking Bad toys in question are figures of Bryan Cranston and Aaron Paul's characters in hazmat suits. There's also one of Walter White and a gun and, head's up, in case you want a cool toy, it's on sale right now for $13.99.

Here's Toys R Us on the matter to WFTX:
"The products you reference are carried in very limited quantities and the product packaging clearly notes that the items are intended for ages 15 and up.  Items from this TV series are located in the adult action figure area of our stores." 
(Whoops.)

But let's be clear: Schrivjer is a fan of the show.

"I thought the show was great," she told WFTX. "It was riveting." But these toys? They gotta go!
Meanwhile, the real Walter White, Bryan Cranston, handled things on Twitter:



That's settled then, but everyone's time could not have been wasted if Ms. Schrivjer just realized that if you don't want your child imitating a character through a toy from a show that they probably shouldn't watched anyway, then don't buy them that toy you idiot.


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Monday, October 20, 2014

Every Alternate Version of The Simpsons Is Wonderful

Last night The Simpsons celebrated Halloween once again with their annual Treehouse of Horror special.  The 25th incarnation to be specific. In a rather great episode that featured three smaller unconnected stories as usual, they managed to send Bart and Lisa to Hell (where Bart of course excelled in Hell's elementary school), played a loving tribute to Stanley Kubrick (which featured a Barry Lyndon reference that I am sure only I got), and then ended with a beautiful spoof on themselves in a Simpson's version of The Others as Lisa wonders if there could be other versions of her lovable clan.

The answer is yes, as ghosts.  And the ghosts were themselves.  As in the original strangely drawn and voiced version of the family that appeared first on The Tracey Ullman Show and subsequently the first season of their own animated series.  As a fan, it was fun to see the characters drawn so weird, and even more fun to hear the actors voice them like they did over 20 years ago, when Homer was less Homer and more Walter Matthau (his original voice inspiration.)

However, the show of course didn't leave it at one version of the family, as right before the credits the other versions of the family begin to show up.  Which was, in a word, wonderful.

Oh yeah.

Computer generated Simpsons?  Anime ninja Simpsons? Despicable Me Minion Simpsons?!?  Every single one is great and such a treat not only to fans of the series but fans of animation as well.  They even threw in their own tribute to French animator Sylvain Chomet.

Check it out, and I dare you not to smile with the numerous surprises:




Well done.  Now let's go ahead and green light Minion Simpsons already, okay Fox?


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Beer Brewer Buys All The Count Chocula Leaving Cereal Fans Saddened

It was a sad day for delicious sugary cereal fans in Fort Collins, Colorado earlier this month when a beer brewer strolled into a grocery store and made a rather large purchase.  That purchase consisted of every single box of the Halloween centric, but delicious anytime of the year cereal Count Chocula.  A cereal so confused that it cannot decide whether it wants to be Cocoa Puffs or Lucky Charms, so it decided to just be both and make everyone have diabetes.

...but oh is it a sweet ride into debilitating health conditions.

The brewer snatched up the spooky cereal, which is a limited edition, in order to make a special holiday beer.  Because the only thing that you could possibly add to Count Chocula to make it better would be alcohol.  Thus, to make the beer that everyone wants, they needed cereal.  All of the cereal.

This caused a least one resident who must not have very much else to look forward to in their life to write into the Fort Collins Coloradoan to proclaim their disappointment.

"Every year I greatly look forward to the month of October when I can purchase a few boxes of this delicious chococlatey (sic) goodness," Kristen Clark wrote in a letter to the editor.

Sorry Ms. Clark, but sometimes you gotta strike while the iron is hot, or while the cereal is still dry, or some sort of analogy about getting things early.

In addition to beers made from Golden Grahams, Reese's Puffs, and Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Black Bottle Brewery brews a special beer called Cearealiously Count Chocula, and needed as much cereal as they could get their hands on.
There is no need for concerned citizens to worry though. Despite the brewer's huge purchase, the Coloradoan reports that other grocery stores in the vicinity have plenty of Count Chocula to go around. If you want it, you gotta fight for it, residents of Fort Collins.

I wonder if their breakfast flavored beers count as part of the balanced breakfast?


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Mike Tyson Is Coming To A Television Near You

Prepare your ear holes and your eyeballs world, because the best show ever conceived is coming soon to the comfort of your home.  Something that you probably dreamed about, in that wild part of your subconscious where things are out of control strange, but never imagined was possible.

You aren't asleep though, and be thankful that you aren't because Mike Tyson is getting his own television show.  That's right, beginning October 27th at 10p.m. The Dynamite Kid, Iron Mike Tyson will star as himself in a Hanna Barbera style cartoon show on none other than the Adult Swim network.

Now is the part where you might want to sit down.

[heavy breathing.]

Yes that is Mike Tyson voicing himself as a tracksuit wearing mystery solver.  Yes it looks like one of those ridiculous 70's celebrity cash-in cartoon efforts.  Yes he has a van and a crew of wacky misfits, including a pigeon.  It's a good time to be alive.

Don't worry here's a trailer:




Let me drop a few more details on you, in case you weren't paying attention. Throughout this homage/parody of the Hanna-Barbera style mystery series like “Scooby Doo,” “Josie and The Pussycats,” or “Mr. T,” it comes complete with the prerequisite group of misfits, including Yung Hee, Tyson’s adopted Korean daughter/Velma surrogate, the Ghost of the Marquess of Queensberry, a gentlemanly send-up of the obscure “Funky Phantom” character, and Pigeon, a foul-mouthed alcoholic man who was turned into a pigeon by his ex-wife.  In summation, this is sure to be the best show ever produced for television.

Punch your DVR for not informing you about this then set it, write it down on your calendar, and then sleep as much as you can to quickly advance time.  It all cannot come soon enough.







Thrill me Mike.  I am ready.




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Sunday, October 19, 2014

Thousands of Bees Die In Literal Honey Trap

A honey spill in the middle of a Florida highway would prove to be the final resting place of thousands of honeybees this past Thursday. According to the News-Press, Neslan Torralvo of Torralvo’s Honey & Pollination Service hit a bump in the road, spilling 200 gallons of honey—about 2,400 pounds—or nearly $5,000—worth.  Then came the bees.

From the News-Press:
The spill caused thousands of honeybees to flock to the intersection to get a sweet taste. Torralvo, also a beekeeper, said the bees were drawn by the smell. 
Emergency workers and police from Cape Coral, Lee County Sheriff’s Office, the Florida Department of Transportation and the Florida Highway Patrol swatted the swarming insects as they tried directing traffic and cleaning up the honey. 
With the bees landing on the honey residue, thousands were crushed by traffic or sprayed away by firefighters.
Bend to the will of man, nature!


The bees hung around for hours getting their honey on, meanwhile local businesses called for  beekeepers.  No humans were hurt, as honeybees generally couldn't give a fuck about humans, only honey.  Just thousands of bees were hurt, as they died doing what they loved, getting honey.

As one official helping with cleanup told reporters, “Everyone fared pretty well. Except the traffic . . . and the bees.”


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Funday: Don't Listen To The Weatherman

It's Funday again everyone, which can only mean one thing.  After today you most likely have to go back to work, which will make you sad.

That doesn't mean though, that we cannot work on it.  Try to make you happy to enter that week.  Not just from viewing all the best music videos and viral content from this past week collected here for your convenience, but also with a little pep-talk.

You see, all you need is an inspiration.  Someone to put you in the right mindset, someone to get your gears turning in all the right ways.

Now, I wouldn't presume to be that person, but lucky for you I know who is.  His name is Ripple, he's 18 months old, and he just so happens to be a dog.

Check it out:




Did you see that?  Ripple is who you need to aspire to.  The being that you can be.  Does he care that he is on some magoo weatherman's show?  No!  There is not one fuck that he gives.  Does he think about how he is throwing the show off track with all of his antics?  Not one bit.  He just does what comes naturally, and by doing that he enhances everything around him.  W

Would anyone care about the weather in Edmonton without Ripple being there?  No.  No they would not.  So I ask you Funday fans, can you become the inner-Ripple inside you?  Can you jump up and chew on the proverbial leash that is your work week and come out the other side panting with glee?

Yes. Yes you can.

I believe in you.

Let's go.


Sounds

iLoveMakkonen f/Drake

You just have to love the Atlanta rap scene right now.  The reason?  It is practically dripping weirdness and originality right now, unlike any other geographical area of rappers.  Case in point, the newest star to emerge out the south: iLoveMakkonen.  Sometimes he raps, others he sings, and always he carries a plastic doll head around with him for kicks.  Oh, yeah, he also makes club bangers that are as amusing as they are bumping.  Enough that Drake would take notice and jump right on that shit.






Mike Will Made It f/Riff Raff & iLoveMakkonen

Hey, what do you know, more Makkonen!  Normally I try to avoid Mike Will Made It on principle for picking the worst alias that any producer or rapper has ever come up with.  However, I cannot deny a Riff Raff song.  Especially one where he rhymes "syrup in my soda" with his alternate moniker ("Jody Highroller.")  So much fun.






Calvin Harris

Hey Mr. Harris, you want people like me to give a fuck about your music?  Keep making songs that sound like they belong on a mid 90's Prodigy album and I will be a loyal devotee from now until forever. 






Nicholas Krgovich

Talk about delightful pop dancin' music...Also, shouldn't every music video just be a person miming the lyrics while they dance around?  It always works, and is either charming, impressive, or funny.  Sometimes even a mixture of all three.  Well done.






Ghostface Killah f/BADBADNOTGOOD

Quick question: What happens when you mix one of the most original and downright entertaining rappers of all time with one of the most exciting young jazz bands of the past few years?  Well, for start you get a pair of amazing collaborations with this one being the second.  Also, you get them to decide to do an album together, which just shot up to the top of my list of anticipated albums.






Foo Fighters f/Rick Nielsen

I don't know if you have been watching the Foo Fighters' residency on Letterman this week, but you fucking should have been watching it!  The Foos are there to promote their documentary series and album both entitled Sonic Highways, the television portion of debuted this past Friday on HBO.  For the series they traveled the country and explored what influences people in their geography to make their own unique music, and rather than play their songs they recorded the band used this week long stint to just have fun playing the awesome bands they went to visit for the doc.  This time they welcomed Cheap Trick guitarist and legend Rick Nielsen to do a cover of the band, but had Dave Grohl take up the drums from Taylor Hawkins and put The Hawk on vocal duties.  Needless to say, they should do this more often, Hawkins can sing, and it is easy to forget sometimes how rad of a drummer Dave is, until he hits those skins again.






Sights

Japanese Footwork

When Mike Pardinas, the boss of label Planet Mu, put out 2010's electronic album Bangs & Works vol. 1 he pretty much had no idea that this collection of British Footwork music, that is, music that is designed for a particular fancy footwork kind of dancing would not only find it's way to Japan, but inspire it's own movement there.  Now Japanese folks are listening to and competing with their best footwork 4 years later, taking time from riding in their lowrider convertible to boogie against each other.  It's the kind of culture melding that makes it fascinating to be a part of this lovely world.  Also, check out the article that got me hip right here.






Winning The Scene

As a huge fan of movies, one of the most interesting things I have ever gotten to do was take a film studies class in high school.  It opened my eyes to the incredible amount of detail that goes into constructing each and every scene, and how masterful directors commit countless hours just to get the right camera angle to make your brain subconsciously connect with their message.  It made me love movies all the more and I wish that anyone who shares my love could get a chance to do the same thing. I distinctly remember going over this scene and learning how geniusly the technical direction helps convey the change in power going on, without explicitly telling you about it.  It's the kind of stuff that you don't ever notice, but your brain does.  See what I mean below.






Otters Love Sushi

Nothing to see here, just some of the best animals eating their own version of some of the best food.  






Captivating Cardistry

Somebody teach me everything in this video.  Fuck a card trick, I want to be able to know how to do everything here.  Amazing stuff.






Bill Murray on Letterman

Did I mention that you should be watching Letterman right now?  Especially when Bill Fucking Murray makes an appearance in a tuxedo, once again flashing his knowing looks and glint in his eye.  You know, the one that is secretly pulling your leg with his every response, but only because he knows you want him to.  Seriously, there's only gonna be so many more of these kinds of moments now that Dave is retiring next year.  Don't miss them.  Also, Dave, maybe after you retire from late night, you and Bill can just have a show where you talk to each other for two hours every weekday.  It could be a morning show.






BONUS CLIP







That's it.  Now get out there and be the best human being you can be.  Grab that leash!  See you next time.




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Friday, October 17, 2014

ScarJo Could Continue To Kick Ass In Her Strangest Role Yet

So far this year she has been literal man-eater alien in Under the Skin, and a super-powered ass-kicker in Lucy.  Now the woman who is best known to many as Black Widow straight out of The Avengers will have the chance to kick even more ass as Hollywood tries their hand in adapting one of the most beloved Japanese animated films of all time Ghost In The Shell.

That is because the main role of a cybernetic police officer in future Tokyo, Major Motoko Kusanagi is being whitewashed and offered to none other than ScarJo.

See the resemblance?  

Based on the 1995 film of the same name (as well as the Manga comic), GHOST IN THE SHELL is the latest anime adaptation in the Hollywood pipeline, with huge bomb Snow White and The Huntsman's Rupert Sanders directing. 

Recently, it was reported that The Wolf of Wallstreet's Margot Robbie was up for the lead role of Kusanagi, the awesome and brooding (and japanese, which I guess they don't care about) heroine of the series, but apparently aggressive negotiations to get her into David Ayer's just-announced Suicide Squad may have derailed her involvement and now the word is that a $10 million offer has been made to Black Widow herself, Scarlett Johansson, to take the part.

Johansson has has clearly established herself as the new leading action heroine with her previous starring roles, and something like this could help establish her as a leading action star.  That is, if they don't fuck it up.  Much of the appeal to fans of the original Ghost film lies in the complex themes of humanity and where humans stand in the face of advancements in technology that blur the lines between what is alive and what is sentient.

So far there is no word on her decision, but the deal is sure to move along quickly. Until then, Johansson will next be seen again as Natasha Romanov/Black Widow in Avengers: Age of Ultron on May 1, 2015.

In the meantime see what you could be in store for:






Could be something...


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Thursday, October 16, 2014

AOTW: Just Eat The Food, Don't Be A Pervert

Sometimes the Assholes just cannot wait until Friday...

Welcome back to The Asshole of The Week, where usually every Friday (except in this case today) we single out one person, place, or thing that is the absolute worst.  This week we have a man, whose hankering for Mickey D's is only eclipsed by his lust to touch his own "Little Ronald McDonald" in public.

Cory D. Peterson, 45, of Bay City, Mich., was sentenced by a judge to two years probation Monday after pleading no contest to an indecent exposure charge from an incident in September where he exposed himself to female employees in the drive-thru of a McDonald's.

How is this so often the scene of a crime?


The Bay City Times reports that Peterson, who is, what do you know, a registered sex offender, (following a 2003 criminal sexual conduct conviction) drove up to the window of a Bay City McDonald's and ordered a McDouble.

When the employee working the booth—the store's manager—returned to hand Peterson his change, she saw that he had offered her his own version of a "McDouble" containing his double balls and penis.  He didn't reach his hand out to collect his money.  He thought it a better idea that he exposed himself and began masturbating.

According to the police report obtained by the Bay City Times, the manager told officers:

"I was in shock when I saw it. He said, 'Have a nice day.' Then he drove away."

Peterson wasn't done there though, he was still hungry.  Hungry for committing a idiotic and disgusting crime, and needed seconds.  Minutes later he entered the drive-thru again, ordering again.  Can you guess what he for the second time after that?  If you said, "Drove up to the window and proceeded to masturbate in front of another female employee," you are correct, and probably a creep yourself for guessing right.

The second employee informed the manager that she had been the victim of this Asshole as well, and here the employees made their move. They had Peterson park, telling him they were waiting on fries to finish cooking, while they called police.  Since he is also a fool along with a pervert, he did so. Officers reportedly found Peterson in his parked car with his pants unzipped.

In addition to his probation, Peterson will have to pay $1,535 in court fines and will be required to enter an outpatient sex offender rehabilitation program.

Congratulations Mr. Peterson, you are such a deserving Asshole that the whole feature came a day early just to honor you with your dubious title.  You are not only a pervert, but an idiot as well, and most definitely The Asshole of The Week. 

Next time, just eat the fucking burgers and don't be so disgusting.


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