Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Jealous Principal Gets In On Teen's Amazing Lazer Cat Photo

Schenectady High School teen hero Draven Rodriguez petitioned to have a highly stylized photo of himself and his cat, Mr. Bigglesworth, be included as his senior portrait in the school's yearbook.  However, to the chagrin of the entire Internet, he was denied in unleashing this photo onto the world:

How do you say no to this?

Instead, he made a deal.  He took a second photo at the behest of the school principal that will run on her page and also include her dog, Vivienne.  That's right, the principal knows an opportunity when she sees one.

BAM!

Rodriguez's original photo will even get to run in the yearbook, Schenectady High School Principal Diane Wilkinson assures the Times Union, just not in the senior portraits section where he wanted it.  Wilkinson:
"Being principal of 2,400 kids, you want to think of all the kids who want to have a professional shot that looks consistent in that area.   I loved Draven's picture so much."

She loved it so much, in fact, that she wanted in.  The photo running on her page will be "accompanied by a message advocating animal rescue and adoption."  Any donations sent to the school will be forwarded to the Animal Protective Foundation in Glenville, NY.

Rodriguez himself has even benefitted from his viral photo:
Rodriguez's campaign to pose for his official senior photo with Mr. Bigglesworth began with an online petition that attracted national attention and trended on social media. 
It was even tweeted by singer Kesha, and he was contacted by the blog site Tumblr to sponsor his personal page, Rodriguez said with excitement. "It's like being contacted by Facebook itself," he said.

But deep in the Times Union's story, Principal Wilkinson's reveals her possibly insidious intentions for snaking her way into the photo: "I generally have a boring head shot and, like Draven, I loved his original photo." Stealin' this kid's idea because you take boring photos? Damn.  That's cold.  Even for a principal.




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Monday, September 29, 2014

The $55,000 Kickstarter Potato Salad Party Really Happened

Back in July, Zac Brown took to Kickstarter to help him make some potato salad. Though he didn't know what kind he wanted to make, he knew that he would need $10 to make it. He ended up with $55,000, and his modest project sparked a debate between people who found it harmless and fun and those who say it reveals a privileged internet class with too much money and not a clue how to spend it.

However, in the rush to judge Brown, either way, many people forgot that when the Kickstarter began to take in large amounts of money Brown added incentives for those who donated.  One of which included a promise that once the funding was over, he would throw a giant potato salad party with the extra dough.  Unlike many other Kickstarter promises, this one was kept.  This past Saturday PotatoStock went down in downtown Columbus.

Love me like a potato baby.

All told the event featured live music, food trucks, beer, and more than 3,000 pounds of delicious potatoes ready to be saladized.  

Many wished that instead of a party, Brown would just make the original amount of potato salad and donate the other thousands of dollars to charity.  However, his hands were tied by Kickstarter itself, which is bizarre considering it is a website designed for people to throw their money away on shitty products that they do not own when they are finally produced.  Their giving is thought of as a "donation" but they actually aren't allowed to make real donations to causes.

However, Brown found a loophole allowing him to turn Potato Salad into something other than another foolish Internet thing:  Through PotatoStock he managed to raise $20,000 outside of the original funds and plans to donate it all to charities.  Specifically those that raise money to fight hunger and homelessness.

He expects that his original Kickstarter supporters will received their promised backer rewards, including t-shirts and a potato salad recipe book, by December.


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Japanese Hiker Captures Insane Footage of Mount Ontake's Eruption

Kuroda Terutoshi was minding his own business, doing a little hiking around Japan's Mount Ontake with some friends.  Then, at around 12 p.m. eastern time, shit got real, really real.

That's because Mount Ontake is a volcano, and this volcano decided at that moment to erupt, as reported by the BBC.  The eruption trapped 150 climbers, including those with Terutoshi, who just happened to catch the whole thing on video.

According to Reuters, at least one person has died and over 30 have been seriously injured since the volcano began raining ash on central Japan this morning. Prime Minister Shinzo Abe ordered the military to rescue the remaining hikers, telling reporters:

"I instructed to do all we can to rescue the people affected and secure the safety of the trekkers."

Check it out, it is terrifying:





Holy smokes.


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Sunday, September 28, 2014

If You Are Missing Mail Chances Are This Mailman Had It

Do you happen to be missing you L.L. Bean catalog from 10 years ago?  Do you live in the Flatbush area of Brooklyn?  Well, chances are that a certain USPS worker who struggled with alcohol addiction and depression probably had it.  You see, this mailman didn't actually deliver the mail.  He hoarded it.  To the tune of 40,000 pieces of unopened pieces.

I just thought I didn't have to pay my credit card bill anymore.

The mailman, 67-year-old Joseph Brucato, admitted to stashing the odd 2,500 pounds of mail in his home, car, and even his locker at work.  Pretty much anywhere it would fit.  If you have 2,500 pounds of undelivered mail, it takes up some space.  So much space in fact, that when postal agents arrived to remove the mail, it took them five hours to clear out Brucato's apartment.

From the New York Post:
A postal supervisor became suspicious that Brucato was up to something weird when he noticed his personal car was stuffed with undelivered letters, the complaint said.
Investigators pressed Brucato about the letter cache, and he copped to hoarding more than a ton of mail — a total of 2,500 pounds — over the past decade. 
The haul included priority, first-class and regular mail that had once been headed for Brooklyn businesses and residents in Flatbush, according to court papers.

Brucato admitted to hoarding the mail since 2005, and has been suspended without pay until the case is settled.

A spokesperson for the USPS said that the organization will undergo the daunting task of delivering Brucato's stash.  So if you haven't been getting your $10 birthday checks from grandma for a while, you are in for a treat.  Don't give up hope.


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Funday: Best Check Yourself

Oh SNAP!  You have now tuned into the world's most dangerous Funday article of leisure!  That's right people, it is time once again for you all to get busy and check out the best stuff from the world of the Internet this week.

You don't even have do to a damn thing, but sit your ass down and relax.  Everything is covered for you.

Don't be a sucka MC, okay?  Just enjoy what's good, if you know what's good for you.

You'll never get in with these guys.

Let's get it.

Sounds

Yelawolf

There are two things that Yelawolf continues to do: 1) Get more and more face tattoos 2) Quietly makes great song after song for his anticipated upcoming album.  I guess as long as he keeps doing the latter, he will be free to keep doing the former as well.  If you are a Sons of Anarchy fan, you may recognize this one from the signature musical ending a week ago.  If you aren't a SOA fan, it's still a rad song.  The kind of stuff Yela should be doing, unique country tinged rap music.






The Antlers

Alright men and women, time to get serious.  Grab another man or woman, whatever makes you excited, turn this song on, and start smooching.  See where it goes.  You probably will have a great time.  Even if you just end up holding hands.






A Sunny Day In Glasgow

Oh best songs, why do you have to be so short?  Somebody please go on YouTube and loop this for me for about 10 hours or so.  I would do it myself, but I have an article to write here.






WAND

Not too much into wizards and shit, well not the Harry Potter kind, but WAND is a great name for a band.  Especially if that band is the 6th, count em' 6th project of togetherPANGEA's Corey Thomas Hansen and is a psychedelic garage rock outfit.  Just good stuff all around.






Kendrick Lamar

That's it all the rest of music.  Just chill for a minute, because Kendrick has a new song, and it samples the motherfucking Isley Brothers!  This is why he always wins.






Sights

Eating Bugs Makes Sense

Gonna drop some knowledge on you one time: We are probably gonna run out of food in the way that we know it now.  Cows will not be around forever.  The longer we all live, talking about our generation here, the higher the chances we are gonna eat bugs.  It's cool though, they are good for you, and it's way better than Soylent Green (which spoiler:is people).






Remote Control Cars In Hong Kong

Just look at that title, you already know this one is a winner.






Cabbage and Bacon With John Ratzenberger

Since we don't have to eat bugs just yet, sit back and enjoy a delightful cooking video with Cliff from Cheers.  Watch him make a delicious salad while he regales you with an anecdote from his salad days.  






Derek Jeter Isn't The Best

Sorry New York, but not all of America is gonna get on board with your Jeter tugjob. Best Yankee ever?  Not by a damn sight. Nobody, and I mean nobody beats the Iron Horse.  Gehrig was a god amongst men, even though he had the disadvantage of being a damn Yankee.  And King of New York? Bitch please.  Jay already told you he can make a Yankees hat more famous than a Yankee can.






Tattooing Close Up

Maybe if you see just what the needles are doing to your flesh as you get your latest "No Regrets" chest piece, you will come to your senses and just save that cash.






Bonus Clip







See you next week, you great people.

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Friday, September 26, 2014

Most Excellent: There Will Be A Third Bill and Ted Film

If you were born in the 90's this means nothing to you, but you are also too young for your opinions to really matter yet.

Now, if you were born in a time that allowed you to be growing up in the 90's, I have some downright radical news.  Bill and Ted are returning to the silver screen.  It's taken them 23 years, but it is about to go down.

EXCELLENT.

Yes, for the first time since 1991's Bogus Journey, Bill and Ted (and presumably their phone booth) are going to have another (hopefully excellent) adventure together.  That means both Alex Winter and everybody's favorite chill dude Keanu Motherfuckin' Reeves are on board again.

Not only that, but Bill S. Preston Esq. AKA Alex Winter himself is already dropping details of what every person in their 20's and 30's who has good taste in sweet B-movie cinema has to look forward to:
“[Bill & Ted] will be 40-something and it’s all about Bill and Ted grown up, or not grown up,” Winter tells us. “It’s really sweet and really fucking funny." 
“But it’s a Bill & Ted movie, that’s what it is. It’s for the fans of Bill & Ted. It fits very neatly in the [series]. It’s not going to feel like a reboot. The conceit is really funny: What if you’re middle-aged, haven’t really grown up and you’re supposed to have saved the world and maybe, just maybe, you kinda haven’t?”

Naturally there are questions.  Will Death and Napoleon make a cameo?  What will Ted's hair look like?  Will millenials even know what a phone booth is?

Time will tell which questions will be answered, but it is important to exercise patience.  The movie is as of yet in very early production, although the script has been put together.

We have waited two decades so far, what's a few more months?  After all, the comfort lies in the knowledge that the Wyld Stallyns shall return!  

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AOTW: Don't Put Animals In Your Pants

Welcome to The Asshole of The Week, where each Friday we focus on a person, place, or thing that is the absolute worst.  This week we have a lighter affair.  They didn't kill anyone, or hurt anyone, they are just a dumb asshole who likes to break the law in a weird way.

Like putting animals down their pants.

Canadian Kai Xu was caught on the border with Detroit with some interesting passengers along for the ride.  Authorities who searched Xu found 51 turtles taped to his legs and groin.  His smuggling attempt thwarted by his bulging sweatpants and a crack surveillance team operated by U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service agents.

Not sure I would put something like this near my groin, but that's just me.


From The Guardian:

On 5 August, two fish and wildlife agents say they watched Xu disappear behind two semi-trailers in a Detroit parking lot for about 10 minutes before reappearing with, "irregularly shaped bulges under Xu's sweatpants on both legs".

Xu and another man, Lihua Lin, were allegedly attempting to remove the North American pond turtles from North America and on to Asia where they could receive between $1,300 and $1,500 per turtle on the Asian food and collector black markets.

Lin had attempted to fly out of the Detroit Metropolitan Airport on Tuesday to Shanghai with two checked bags full of more than 200 live turtles.  Xu obviously thought that idea was so stupid, and he had a much better one.  Don't put them in a suitcase like an idiot.  Just tape the animals to you!  Duh! 


Xu was stopped by the Canadian border patrol when he was driving through to Windsor, Ontario. The Guardian also reported the source of the agents' initial suspicion.

Agents said they were tipped off by a Detroit UPS employee identified only as "Dave", who alerted agents to a seven pound box labeled "live fish keep cool".

Stellar work "Dave."  You are not the AOTW week this time.  Mr. Xu however, you are most definitely the Asshole of The Week, and deservedly so for making the image of a tiny helpless turtle taped to a man's "package" and image I just cannot remove from my brain.

Congratulations Kai Xu, and fuck you very much.


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Thursday, September 25, 2014

Bill Cosby Appears On Colbert And Nobody Knows What's Happening

Bill Cosby, the man, the myth, the god of comedy decided to grace Steven Colbert's show last night with his presence.  A meeting that Colbert, as most people would be, was very excited for.

However, things could have taken a weird turn, that is if they ever even began normally.  Right from the beginning the whole thing went right off the rails.

Not one mention of pudding though...

When Colbert first approaches Cosby, he's staring into the middle distance, seeming completely disinterested in being interviewed. Soon enough, the conversation revs up, turning to Betsey Ross, haunted houses, and open-faced ball sandwiches. All the while, Cosby seems like he's on a different planet, speaking slowly, offering left-turn quips and stream-of-consciousness observations.  It is insane, while also being absolutely wonderful, because it is Bill Cosby.


It's tempting to wonder what's going on in his head here—is he getting senile or something? or high?—but his wit and sense of timing remain impeccable. As the interview progresses, especially during part two and the extended cut, his manner becomes more lucid and his humor less surreal. It's not the first time Cosby has pulled this kind of thing on late night TV.

Spoiler: Cosby isn't losing it.  He is just being, like many comedians, a comic.  These days he doesn't show up often, but when he does, he has bits and the world be damned if he isn't gonna do them.  You take a break from talk shows for years, and those bits, they're gonna add up.  Especially if you are an absolute comedic legend.



Colbert knows, sometimes you gotta just grab on and enjoy the ride.  Doubly when it is Bill Cosby's hand you are holding onto.

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ESPN Suspends Bill Simmons For Saying What We Are Thinking

Bill Simmons, journalist, sports writer, editor of Grantland, and ESPN employee decided this past Monday on his podcast, The BS Report, to talk about what is on every sports fan's mind: NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.  He said what we are all thinking, and practically begged his oafish and supremely tight-assed media conglomerate bosses at ESPN to suspend him.

So they did.

Wednesday night, after marinating on Simmons' opinions on Goodell, mainly that he is a lying bastard who is terrible, (basically what everyone thinks) they gave him the three week boot.

An excerpt of the transcripts:

"Goodell, if he didn't know what was on that tape, he's a liar," Simmons said Monday. "I'm just saying it. He is lying. I think that dude is lying. If you put him up on a lie detector test that guy would fail. For all these people to pretend they didn't know is such fucking bullshit. It really is — it's such fucking bullshit. And for him to go in that press conference and pretend otherwise, I was so insulted. I really was."

As he is a real journalist, who believes in challenging anyone who needs it, he then went on to challenge ESPN itself:

"I really hope somebody calls me or emails me and says I'm in trouble for anything I say about Roger Goodell.  Because if one person says that to me I'm going public.  You leave me alone.  The commissioner is a liar and I get to talk about that on my podcast." 

ESPN previously handed Simmons a two-weeks Twitter suspension for criticizing an ESPN radio partner and a three-day Twitter suspension for criticizing First Take. This is the first time Simmons has been suspended for something he said on his podcast, though he has had previous battles with ESPN over how his podcast is edited.

ESPN's statement on the matter:

"Every employee must be accountable to ESPN and those engaged in our editorial operations must also operate within ESPN's journalistic standards. We have worked hard to ensure that our recent NFL coverage has met that criteria. Bill Simmons did not meet those obligations in a recent podcast, and as a result we have suspended him for three weeks."

So let's recap of the suspensions surrounding the initial Ray Rice fiasco:


  1. Ray Rice (initially) gets two weeks for brutally abusing his wife.
  2. (Moron) Stephen A. Smith gets two weeks suspension for implying that Ray Rice's wife caused her own abuse.
  3. Bill Simmons (Based Simmons) gets three weeks for doing his job and calling for accountability for all those involved.
Free Simmons.


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Wednesday, September 24, 2014

China Is Now Making Near-Perfect Fake American Driver's Licenses

Alongside making absolutely everything else we use, China is getting into a new manufacturing area.  The forgery game.

Time to get excited teens who are interested in drinking while still being teens, because China totally has your back.  And these aren't your average piece-o-crap dime store fake ID's, like most things China makes for the US, these are high in the quality department.

Could you make it say Al Coholic?


CBS Chicago reports that these overseas fakes are flooding through O'Hare. They're bought online in the US for about $150, produced in China, then smuggled into this country and back to the buyer. The video report shows them stuffed into tea sets and jewelry boxes.

The report asks the defining question of 21st century idiotic Americans, "is national security at risk?"

Nope, just liquor store's licenses. 

That's because although these fakes are good, again like many things that also come out of China's manufacturing, they aren't that good. They won't get you on a plane for instance. The US Department of State replied that no, these counterfeits' holograms, while excellent, do not pass laser and ultra-violet light tests.

The Chinese know which side of their bread is buttered.  It's much easier, and low risk of an international incident, if you just help college kids get hammered.  Slick move China.  Well done.



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Three Boobs Are Probably Only Two And A Hoax

It is a sad day.  Turns out the story that we all wanted to be true, probably was just too good to actually be true.

When you walk in the world of the Internet, you expect things that are amazing, often will probably be fake.  It's how the good people at Snopes make their living, and after much suspicion it looks as if yet again we were fooled.

Jasmine Tridevil, the ironically named woman who was rumored to have three boobs after an elective surgery, is probably faking it all. We all had our suspicions about the three-boob lady's third boob, and now it appears that the worst is true: the third breast, TMZ reports, is not a true implant, but a mere prosthetic.


Never trust three boobs and a smile.


The hot boob scoop came from a police report filed in connection with Tridevil (real name Alisha Hessler) at the Tampa International Airport. According to the report, Hessler/Tridevil's bag was stolen from a luggage conveyor and eventually recovered. Listed among the bag's contents, alongside a hairbrush, clothing, and stiletto heels, the smoking boob was found: a "3 breast prosthesis."


Before the discovery, Snopes had been collecting evidence about Hessler's previous history as an internet hoaxer.  This includes a story that Gawker picked up last year. 

The dream is over. You were too beautiful for this world, extra boob.  Hang your heads in sadness, and go watch Total Recall.  I promise you'll feel better after you "get your ass to Mars."

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Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Your New True Detectives Have Been Chosen

That's right ladies and gentlemen, after what was one of the longest and most rumor filled periods of casting drama ever for a television show your new True Detective(s) are confirmed.  After speculation abounded over Elizabeth Moss, Jessica Biel, Brad Pitt, and Jessica Chastain, your successors to the gods of TV copdom that were Harrelson and McConaughey have been chosen  Are you ready?  Because it is these guys:

Well, that is certainly a choice...
Yep, sorry hopes of anyone who thought that it just might be a black actor, or even *gasp* a woman, who would take the mantle of what many believe to be one of the best shows ever made.  Turns out it is two white dudes, who it would not be out of line to describe as...polarizing actors.

HBO has confirmed that Colin Farrell and Vince Vaughn will star in the second season of Nic Pizzolatto's anthology crime drama, playing two of three police officers tracking "a career criminal" that forces them to "navigate a web of conspiracy in the aftermath of a murder."

Farrell, who had stirred the pot after telling an Irish newspaper over the weekend that he had landed the role, brought criticisms from fans of the show.  Worried that the veteran actor was not right for the role.  Then today came the shocker, it wouldn't be Farrell who could ruin HBO's baby, it was a new contender.  

While it is true that Farrell and Vaughn had been rumored for weeks to be on the casting shortlist, to say that they were the front runners would in many minds have been a joke of some sort.  Most of the original hype for the first season of True Detective came from the casting of Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey, two A-list actors of considerable skill and acclaim.

These two...not so much.

However, it is important to not put the cart before the horse on this one.  After all, it could surprise us all.  Vaughn and Farrell could prove to take the excellent scripts and broody nature of the series and run with it.  And let's not forget, creator Nic Pizzolatto has stated that this season there will be three detectives, one of which we have not been privy to as of yet.

Fingers crossed it will be not a white man.  There are plenty of those to be found already.  Aw hell, it's gonna be David Arquette isn't it. NOOOOOO!!!




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It Is Nintendo's Birthday and Boy Is It Getting Old

That's right folks, Nintendo is getting old.  Real old.  As in older than the oldest human being.  Today is Nintendo's birthday ladies and gentlemen, and it is now 125 damn years old.

Can you even fit that many candles on this thing?

How old is 125?  Well, consider these facts. When Nintendo first started:


  1. The United States consisted of 38 states.
  2. Benjamin Harrison was president.
  3. The Ford Motor Company wouldn't be created for another 14 years.


Yes, the small family owned company that started out as a playing card business was around for decades before anyone even knew what the hell a video game was.  That's right, on September 23, 1889 the company was founded in Kyoto, Japan as a purveyor of the card game Hanafuda.

Throughout the following decades the company expanded into the electronics business, culminating in their crowning achievement in many people's eyes.

For those unfamiliar with the history, after years of awful business practice, and exploitation, the 1970's video game industry straight up collapsed by the 1980's.  Video games were in danger of ceasing to exist altogether.

However, of course that is not where the story ends.  Under the guidance of their president Hiroshi Yamauchi, a man who would be president of Nintendo for over 50 years, they decided to try their hand in the video games game.  In 1983 they released their Family Computer in Japan, something you may know as the Nintendo Entertainment System.

A product which would not only influence generations of children and adults to come, but one piece of hardware that singlehandedly saved video games as we know them.  At first the company couldn't even market the NES as a video game system, because of the toxic nature of the business.  They instead called it a "family home computer" to in effect trick people into buying it.

It worked.

Since then they have given us The Mario Brothers, Donkey Kong, The Legend of Zelda, Metroid, Star Fox, a list so full of iconic characters that almost everyone alive, video game fan or not, has at least heard of, if not played one or all of them.

So happy birthday Nintendo, 2014 and still alive.  Thanks for all the memories, and from one video game fan, thanks for my favorite hobby.




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Monday, September 22, 2014

John Oliver Wants to Know Why We Still Have A Miss America Pageant

It is 2014 everybody, and we still live in a world where there is a Miss America pageant. The same pageant that years ago literally measured women to see which ones were the best. The same pageant that is perhaps best known as a bizarre, voyeuristic, occasionally hilarious sideshow, while simultaneously purporting to be a philanthropic event.

Miss America has long claimed to be the "largest provider of scholarships to women." Turns out, that's mostly true and dizzyingly complicated. 

Somebody get this woman a scholarship, quick!

Through it all- the dance numbers, the swimsuits, the the inexplicable ventriloquism—it was very difficult not to think: How the fuck is this still happening?" 

Indeed.

Naturally John Oliver made last Sunday's event the focus of his latest episode of Last Week Tonight, and examined just how this thing still exists.  How in 2014 we still have a pageant of beautiful women run by the ugliest person in the world- Donald Trump.

So watch John dissect the insanity that is the 2014 world where we still have a Miss America pageant by using Breaking Bad similes, reacting to the ridiculous questions asked to contestants, and shitting all over Trump.  As it should be:




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Woman Gets Third Boob Implanted

Uninterested in dating, and hoping to make herself "unattractive to men," a massage therapist from...wait for it...Tampa, Florida has spent $20,000 on plastic surgery.  A very particular plastic surgery, where she got another boob implanted, right in the middle of her other two.

I totally cannot recall where I saw this before...
  Now the first question many sane people might ask themselves is: What doctor would do such a ridiculous surgery?  Well, it wasn't easy for the ironically named Jasmine Tridevil (TRIdevil) to find one.

She claimed to have contacted 50 doctors before she found one willing, and ridiculous enough to do the surgery. In an interview with local radio station Real Radio 104.1, Tridevil explained that:

"My mom ran out the door. She won't talk to me. She won't let my sister talk to me. My dad . . . he really isn't happy. He is kind of ashamed of me but he accepted it."

The doctor performing the surgery was unable to add an areola or nipple, as they didn't just have one lying around.  No problem though, Tridevil just had one tattooed instead.

She told the radio station that her lifelong dream is to have a MTV reality show.  Yes people, it is 2014, and that is a dream that people have now.


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Sunday, September 21, 2014

Funday: Your Heart Is Free

Alba Gu Brath?  Scotland made the world excited this week, when it seemed like after 300 years, they would be free of the United Kingdom once and for all.  Finally making William Wallace a happy dude.

Referendums are so hot right now, just ask the people of Ukraine.  And the Scots wanted in on that sweet freedom train.  That is, until they voted.

Whoops!

Well Scotland, you'll be around forever, but you won't be your own country.  It was a nice try though, and Funday salutes you.  Hey, in 300 more years you can totally try again!


Sounds

Lil Dicky

He's back y'all, and he didn't come back to disappoint.






Doja Cat

Never before has smoking a bunch of weed seemed so...fancy.  Go on Doja Cat, keep doing your thing girl.  You got it all figured out somehow, someway.






Jeezy

Never has there been a song about riding in a nice car that makes you get so amped.  Jeezy is just on a constant wave of producing bangers, note that I didn't spell it bangerz because Jeezy is an elder statesman in rap now.  He doesn't have time for words spelled with a ironic "z" just as much as he doesn't have time to be known as "Young" anymore.  All for the better.






Jesse Ware f/Miguel

Sad ballads, traditional R&B jams, sensual pop hits, this gal can do it all.  This time we get treated to the latter on her latest single, and it does not disappoint.  In terms of both the song itself and a surprising but fitting collabo with Miguel.  Another song, another reason for me to fall in love with this woman.






Boytoy

Imagine if OK Go made another one of their single-take music videos but removed the gimmick (whatever it may be this time) and instead replaced it with weed smoking.  Then you would have a Boytoy video, particularly this one.  





Sights

Debunking the Moon Landing

Sorry conspiracy dorks, the moon landing was not filmed by Stanley Kubrick.  I mean, he was good, but not that good.  Watch your theories get crushed by some geeks with computers.  Don't be sad, now you can move on to other conspiracies, like chemtrails, everybody likes that one.






Mud Puddles

Good thing their GoPro is waterproof.







F18s at Death Valley

Jets dude!  Sometimes you are just hanging out in Death Valley with your bro, and you just happen to be in the right place at the right time.  The place where you get the impromptu air show of a lifetime courtesy of the US military.






Jobs That No Longer Exist

Well, robots didn't take all of the jobs.  Some were just too weird/awesome to keep up with the inevitable race of time.  Robots didn't take these jobs, they will take the one you have now.  Then maybe one day, you'll be the feature of a video series like this!






Alan Turning Wood

You simply cannot tell me that there isn't something romantic here.  Go make something.






Bonus Clip







That's it for this week everybody.  See you in seven days.  That'll give you enough time to wash off that blue and white face paint.




What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine


Friday, September 19, 2014

AOTW: First iPhone 6 Buyer Bites The Dust

Welcome back to The Asshole of The Week, where each Friday we highlight a person, place, or thing that is the worst.  This week we have a bit of a lighter affair, where the asshole in question is not necessarily a terrible person, just dumb and unlucky.  Enjoy!

Apple dorks, they are everywhere.  Clutching onto their wads of cash in anticipation of Tim Cook blessing them with a new version of the thing that they already bought a few times.  So naturally when the Porterhouse steak of Apple hardware, the iPhone 6, was announced, the Apple dorks rejoiced.

They are letting us give them our money again!  Wow!


Quickly they found out the day to take off of work, so that they would have the privilege to stand in line and get a phone that is pretty much like the phone they already have.  Only smaller, or bigger, in the case of the new iPhone 6+.

One of these people was Jack.  Jack is an Apple dork.  He thought he was living the Apple dork's dream.  After sleeping outside of the Apple Store in Perth, Australia he was the first to purchase an iPhone 6.  Then he hit the big time, he landed an unboxing interview on Today.

However, once the cameras started rolling, the nightmare began.  You see, along with being an Apple dork, Jack is part doofus as well.  As he went to unbox his brand new, first sold iPhone, of course he dropped it.




With hands shaking like little iPhone icons when you need to delete one of them, in a cacophony of worried "oooh"s and camera's shuttering, Jack picked up his iPhone 6. "It's all good!" he said. But is it?  Is it?

You may have a new phone Jack, the first in the country of the Wallaby, but you are still our Asshole of The Week.  Hold on to your overpriced electronics you doofus.  Congratulations!



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Thursday, September 18, 2014

Teen Crashes SUV Because His Armpit Hair Was On Fire

Teens, they often get a bad wrap.  They can be loving, caring, intelligent, and incredibly insightful.  Well, that is when they aren't setting each other's armpit hair on fire while driving a massive hunk of metal erratically down a road.

Just when I was gonna give you some credit...

Surprisingly, most driver's ed programs don't cover the scenario of: "if you don't want to crash, make sure not to set your armpit hair on fire."  So I guess it is all our fault.  Now you may be thinking "it's just a little armpit fire. No big deal."  But you would be wrong.  Turns out it can seriously impair your driving ability, as some young morons in Boise found out firsthand.

The driver was 18, and while said to be speeding and driving erratically prior to the crash, was managing to keep the Ford Bronco on the road, thanks in part to his pair of non-flaming armpits. That driving advantage was taken away from him when his 16 year-old passenger had the fantastic idea of setting the driver's pit hair on fire.

It is unclear why the passenger set his companion, and person in charge with not murdering him while driving's armpits on fire.  Perhaps he was unhappy with the driver's underarm hygiene. Maybe he was a pit nihilist, and just wanted to see the world's pits burn.  

Another question would be how he so seemingly easily got the flame to the pits.  Although the odds are that it was due to the preferred fashion item of the dumb male teen, the sleeveless t-shirt.  

The result, of course, was clear.  The driver freaked out and lost control of the car, rolling it and ending up on the side of the road. There were two teen girls in the back, no doubt impressed by the 16 year old's witty and erudite armpit-flambĂ© bit, and no one was wearing seat belts, because, of course.

No one was hurt, despite the girls being flung from the Bronco and into the Boise outdoors.  Thus, nobody probably learned a thing.

So, here's the lesson: I know it's hard. I know those armpits are tempting little pockets of fur just begging for a good burn-down. But don't. Don't set fire to any armpits (or crotches, for that matter) of anyone driving a car.


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Tim & Eric Have A New Show That Looks Great

Tim Heidecker and his pal Eric Wareheim who you may know from television shows like Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! and Tom Goes to The Mayor, are returning again to television with a brand new show.  What do you know, it looks great.

Eric in a wig, and bees....SOLD.

Their new show Tim and Eric's Bedtime Stories premieres tonight at 12:15 a.m. on Adult Swim, their home network.  Although, fans of the duo may find that their new show is something entirely different than what the two have done before.  In fact, even if you hated their other shows, Bedtime Stories just might do it for you.

While the episodes are still short (11 minutes) nearly everything stylistically has changed.  Presenting short nightmare tales in various skit form, designed to be like tales you keep waking up into.

The pilot aired last fall, co-starring Zach Galifianakis in their usual Three Stooges shtick, but the series proper is less slapstick-y, more structured, dreamier, and higher value. "Holes," the first of the new episodes, is about suburbia as a gassy balloon that you're too afraid to pop. That is: Two neighbors meet each other for the first time and a feud is hatched and then one of them, well...a body-sized hole in the ground is involved. Heidecker plays "the King of the Sac" (as in cul-de-).  So clearly, not all of their (hilarious) humor has been squeezed out.

Although the comedy and production values have shifted from Awesome Show's cable access aesthetic to a more straightforward sketch show, their not afraid to still get silly with it.

The first season brings back Galifianakis—the three play "bathroom boys," who daylight as janitors and then, with pulleys and Murphy beds, make their home in a public bathroom.  It's very exciting.

Check out the trailer for yourself below, featuring the usual Tim and Eric surprising celebrity cameos (did I just see Channing Tatum stealing a television?)  





Tune in tonight.


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Wednesday, September 17, 2014

This Video of Traffic Is Mesmerizing

It's a slow news day folks, but that doesn't mean that there is a death of videos.  There is at least one cool video knocking around out there on the Internet for you to consume in the mean time.

It's called "Rush Hour" and it was created by Fernando Livschitz.  By manipulating video footage, he was able to create a "traffic ballet" of cars, trucks, bikes, and pedestrians.

For some it may inspire quite the bit of anxiety.  For those of you who every morning are on the move, it may be your version of a Utopian traffic society.  Where everybody just moves, and never the vehicles shall stop.

Whatever it inspires, feelings wise, it is impressive in it's execution and composition.  And the soundtrack is certain to at least put you at ease a little bit.

Check it out:





Cool huh?


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Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Alex Trebek Is Back In Full Effect With A Brand New Mustache

Like Jeopardy?  Of course you do.  Otherwise you would be an ignorant fool.  So here's a little Jeopardy! clue for you, in the form of an answer of course:

What is Trebek's mustache?

Much like the sodas of yesteryear, things everywhere are returning from decades past to put a little pep in that step of yours.  Even on a certain person's upper lip.  That's right baby, after over a decade of retirement, a familiar friend returned to prime time television this past Monday.

It's been actually 13 long years, but Alex Trebek is back in the mustache game.

Just like that...everything is right in the world.
Hold onto your panties ladies, and boxer briefs if you are men, because as of the 30th season premiere this week, Trebek is fully retro for the 21st century.  For the first time since 2001 when he made a grave mistake in shaving it off, he has broken out his lip-tickler once again to charm the pants off of smarties who enjoy answering queries in the form of a question.

Trebek was 61 when he axed the ‘stache and the clean-shaven look accomplished its goal: He instantly looked about 10 years younger.

This new ‘stache has some more gray in it and doesn’t look as bushy as it was during its heyday, but the thinner appearance is more befitting a man of 74.  Frankly, in this humble author's opinion, I think he just didn't want that hack Tom Selleck to get any more praise than he deserves.  Which is zero, zero praise.


Along with his new spin on the old classic, Trebek dropped a bomb on Monday's episode of Jeopardy! revealing that the length of the new mustache reign falls squarely in the hands of the audience.  That's right America, you decide if the best facial hair in the game gets to stay.  All you have to do is tweet to Jeopardy on Twitter using the hashtag "KeeptheStache", etc. and let the OG of gameshows know that it obviously needs to stick around.  Otherwise we will again lose another American treasure.

You know what to do America, get busy.


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Coca-Cola Revives Surge From The Soda Afterlife

Okay, are you sitting down?  Sit down.  Alright, here is some news for you.  Everything old has become new again.  Coca-Cola has officially plunged it's hands into the cold dirt of the soda graveyard and ripped their creation from the ground, placed it in a Frankenstein like contraption and hit the juice.  Surge lives!

Just look at it.
That's right kids from the 90's.  That drink that you consumed even though you didn't really like it, the one that quite possibly was shrinking your pre-teen testes, is back for sale as of this Monday.  And like all dumb nostalgic things, it is already sold out.

After about a decade of residing in Soda-Pop Heaven with other rejected creations like New Coke and Pepsi Clear, Coca-Cola brought back the Mountain Dew-like soda for sale after a three year long campaign to revive Surge continued to lobby the soda giant.

The Facebook group Surge Movement, which has lobbied for the drink's return since 2011, made the comeback announcement. Sean Sheridan, a founding member of the movement, said they received an email in April from Sandy Douglas, President of Coca-Cola North America, letting them know Surge was coming back. The Surge Movement then suggested they work together on the comeback.

Sheridan:

"The same delicious flavor and your favorite original artwork from the 90's has returned!"

While the "delicious" taste might be up for debate, it really is hard to deny that oh so 90's art.

So far Coke has only made Surge available online at Amazon, in 12 packs of 16-ounce cans.  The supply sold out in a matter of hours.  In a statement released on Monday, the company hinted that they would consider selling the soda at other retailers. 

Very soon you may be able to put on your Reebok Pumps, grab your Bart Simpson skateboard, throw some pogs in your Jansport, and take a little trip on down to the corner store to get some sweet green Surge.  It is 2014.

Coca-Cola produced Surge from 1996 to 2001 with the slogan "Feed the rush." The soda has 230 calories in one 16-ounce can and 56 grams of sugar.
"We appreciate the enthusiasm we’ve seen from tens of thousands of fans nationwide, and we’re bringing Surge back, in part, because of them," said Wendy Clark, president, sparkling and strategic marketing, Coca-Cola North America, in a statement. "Future plans for the brand will depend on the level of excitement exhibited by fans across the country."

The Surge Movement group's 128,000 members are asking Surge fans to keep the conversation going to ensure the beverage never goes away again. They encourage fans to call local stores to request the product. 


Could this only be the beginning of a wave of resurrected 90's beverages of old?  Time will tell, but as of now, my mind is on only one particular nostalgia drink.

THE HOUR IS NIGH! 
I won't give up on you baby.


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Monday, September 15, 2014

Apple Tells Customers How To Get Rid Of Their Free U2 Albums

Last week, Apple CEO Tim Cook played the prank of the year on the entire i-Phone-toting world by giving them a free album, beamed directly to their phone.  Normally this would not be a prank, if it were any other album than the one that everyone got.  That album was U2's new "Songs of Innocence" (UGH).

Um...no thanks...I am good.

Like a bad dream, iPhone users woke up to a U2 record that came not only without explanation, but without a clear means of deletion.  How, you may ask, did they respond?  Not well:



For years now Apple has operated under a dubious reality distortion mentality- whereby they operate as if they know what's best for the consumer, regardless of what that consumer actually wants.  They were right about ditching keyboards, they were very wrong about U2.

However, unlike the STD you caught after that one night stand, U2 will not be permanently sticking around on your phone.  Recode reports Apple is now humanely providing instructions to delete the music, which was automatically inserted as part of an iPhone 6 promo.

Sorry Bono, but you can fuck right the hell off.


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John Oliver Breaks Down Scottish Independence For You

Hearing an inordinate amount of news about Scotland lately?  Wondering what all the kerfuffle is about?  Why would Scotland, in a post William Wallace world, want it's independence?

Didn't they already win?

All your questions will be answered, by an actual man who is from the place that's being discussed!  Well, he is from England, but they are involved too!

That person is John Oliver, and with the vote for Scottish Independence only days away, the host of Last Week Tonight walks us through the hundreds-of-years-long-marriage between the two countries.  Hint: It hasn't been great!

But there might be something England can do to save this floundering union, Oliver says. "If I've learned one thing from the last four minutes of British romantic comedies, is that if you're trying to win someone over, you need a big romantic gesture: a kiss in the rain, a kiss in the snow, turning up to someone's door with romantic signs expressing your love for them because you can't say it out loud because her husband—your best friend—is in the next room, which is a bit fucked up. But! It is effective."

Maybe that is all Scotland and England need.  A gentle look, some romantic scenery, and a promise to love each other forever. 

Check out John's rundown below:




Can anyone find out what Craig Ferguson thinks about all this?

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Sunday, September 14, 2014

Funday: Keeping It Simple

Hey, it's Funday again people.  It is that day where you kick back, then kick it, then kick yourself because your weekend is about to be over.

You don't need to worry though, because like every weekend, this one is going out in style with some good stuff from this past week that has been collected right here for you, and you alone. Like this:

Gonna be seeing that later tonight.


Sometimes you gotta just keep it simple, so this Funday there's no theme, no long introduction.  Just you, and me, and some videos that you should enjoy.

Let's do this!

Sounds

Perfume Genius

If this is your first time watching a Perfume genius video, and listening to a Perfume Genius song, get ready.  You are about to see/hear some serious stuff, in the best way possible.  If it isn't your first time, you probably skipped this text anyway to press play.  Who could blame you?






Sinkane

It is always fun to watch people who are good at things do those things.  It's why concerts and sports exist.  This is also true with people dancing, and if your video concept is "really good dancers dance to a song" you're golden.  There's no need to over-think that.






Arca

Never before have I heard someone make dancehall into something sinister, whilst simultaneously keeping it able to be grinded to.  Never before, until I heard this song.






Vince Staples

Ladies and gentlemen, there is a reason I keep featuring this guy.  This week I don't even need to explain anymore.  I simply need to say that he has made his signature song, and you should hear it right now.






Karen O

A surprise music video made for Karen O featuring her song, and created by Spike Jonez featuring Elle Fanning.  This is just about the most perfect thing.






Sights

Rolling Up A Picasso

Look, it's not as easy as taking it out of a frame and putting it in one of those cardboard poster tubes okay?






Cooking Steak On A Shovel

Why would you do this?  Because you can.  Just get a new shovel okay?  Then you can yell at people for using your cooking shovel for manual labor, and look like a real crazy person.






Billiards Trick Shots

Not much to say about this one, other than it is the coolest damn thing you could possibly ever do with a pool table.  






Stern Pinball Factory

Welcome to the Stern factory, where in actual America people still build things.  These things are wonderful, amazing, pinball tables.  Perhaps the last bastion of fun in manufacturing, these ladies and gentlemen are still in 2014, making things whose sole purpose is for having fun (and setting those high scores).  Awesome.






Bonus Clip







See you next week loyal Fundaylians!




What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine