Sunday, August 31, 2014

Funday: Keep it Cool Man

Man folks, there is nothing better than a nice summer Funday morning, waking up early and enjoying the sights and sounds of the week in the cool of the morning dew.  Enjoying yourself on into the hot afternoon without any worry, basking safe in the cool that is your magical air conditioner.

That is why it has been murder this past weekend as your faithful author suffered the biggest nightmare of the summer...THE A/C FAILED!

Yes, as I type, in between bouts of wiping the sweat off the keyboard, all that consumes me is regaining the magical power to produce ice cold air from the walls of my home.

I can almost feel it....


But heat or no heat, Funday soldiers on!  Let's do this!


Sounds

The Weeknd

Human palm tree The Weeknd is back to show you another music video where everyone looks like they are having the worst time.  The casting call for this video seriously must have been: "Models needed for The Weeknd shoot.  Must be able to look hot while also looking incredibly bored."  Whatever though, the song is a jam.






Grimes

Have you been interested in Grimes cooky style and weird music videos, but have never been able to stand her music because of it's "strangeness?"  Well the time is nigh sir or madam, because now you can enjoy the former things without being subjected to the latter.  Grimes is putting out her most accessible stuff ever, which probably has something to do with the fact that it was a Rihanna reject composition.  Hey though, "We Can't Stop" was a Rihanna reject too, and look what that did.






Cool Runnings

Cool Runnings is the BEST name for a band.  Especially if you are a punk band.  Cool Runnings is certainly a punk band, as you can see their song is solidly way under 3 minutes.  Hell, it barely makes it over 2, and that is so perfect.  It is comforting to know that they didn't waste such a great name on being a shitty pop-punk or emo band.  Just fuck it, cool name, traditional punk band.





Charli XCX

Charli XCX is the best thing to happen to Pop music in the decade.  Who doesn't want to stand on top of a spray painted school bus?!?






Sights

Rosewater Trailer

Jon Stewart just wrote and directed his first movie.  Jon Stewart can literally do nothing wrong.  The movie of course looks good.  In summation, Jon Stewart is the best.






A Tribute to Discomfort

Homeless and a high school dropout at 14, all the way to National Geographic photographer.  Nothing can or will stop Cory Richards.






How Languages Evolve

Shut up plants and animals of the world, you aren't the only things in constant change.  Languages are making moves, and will continue to do so.






Tribute To The Hound

Tribute numero dos this week, and boy does this one hit home.  Send on the baddest man in Westeros the right way with this tribute video.  It features all his best moments, which is any moment he is on screen.  He even gets his own soft rock song.  Suddenly the room has gotten all dusty.  Gone too soon.






Making a Case For Books

While we get all sentimental, let's just tug on three of my heartstrings in this one.  1) Stop motion animation that makes me feel like I am 7 watching Sesame Street again.  2) Building awesome things out of wood (seriously, everybody once in their life needs to build something out of wood with their hands) 3) Books.






Bonus Clip







Stay cool folks.  See you next time.



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Friday, August 29, 2014

Family Discovers Their Life Is A Simpsons Episode As Cat Has Second Family

Proving once and for all that not only has it covered all the bases, but is absolutely as ubiquitous as you have heard, two families lives have become the plot to an episode of The Simpsons.

This is because two families are fighting each other for custody of a no-good, dirty cat after discovering that the pet they thought they knew and loved had actually been cheating on them for more than a decade.

Perhaps cats really can watch television, and the cat in question, a Siamese named Ming (KNOWN ALIAS: Cleo) got the idea from episode 349, entitled "The Seven-Beer Snitch" whereby Simpson's cat Snowball II is discovered by Bart and Lisa to be a two family feline.

Live long enough and everyone's life becomes a Simpsons episode

You see Ming (if that is his real name) lived (much like Snowball II with the Simpson family) happily with Alice Alexander and her family for years. Or so she thought.

But after a few good years, Ming began coming home late, without his collar, which to reiterate happens exactly this way in the "fictional" episode ("Must have left it at the office Alice, my bad."), and lost interest in having dinner. It's also strongly suggested that he switched to a new cologne, covered up the grey in his fur and started going to the gym.

Eventually Ming just stopped showing up at all, and the Alexanders had to accept that their cat had flown the cat version of the chicken coop.  Perhaps given up the family for a home in a delicious chicken coop, they didn't know.

That is, until four years later, when Ming returned, presumably tail between legs. After some sleuthing, detailed in this Stuff.co.nz article, the Alexanders discovered the ultimate betrayal: Ming had been living with a second, apparently unaware family, the whole time.
Now the two families, who say "they just want the cat to be happy," are apparently trying to come to a custody agreement.  But what if Ming/Cleo is just not "a one family kind of cat?"


Although they say they understand Ming/Cleo will probably always be a cheater, his second family told the website, "Cleo is part of the family and been with us for nine years, we can't just push him away now. It's emotional for us too, he loves us and always come back."




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AOTW: Planes Breed Assholes

Welcome back to The Asshole of The Week.  The feature where every Friday we highlight one (or more) persons, places, or things that are the absolute worst.  This week we take to the skies, where assholes reign!

Flying, the collectively understood mode of transportation that is understood by all to suck ass.  Everybody "gets it."  There's long waiting times for everything, no room, no amenities, rude people, pretty much everything that you could put on a list entitled "Things That Make Me Cringe."

Complaining about flying and being upset about flying are two things that both sit high on another set of lists as well.  The "Nobody Gives A Fuck About Your Complaining" list.  So naturally, when two people tried in the worst way to wrench back some freedom from the endless drain that is flying, they both became this week's assholes.

That's right, The war between recliners and legroomers is escalating—for the second time this week, a commercial flight was forced to make an emergency landing when two passengers started to fight over the use of reclining seats.
  Thereby not only hurting themselves, but relegating an entire plane's worth of human beings, to extend their time in the zone of the flight.

The latest dispute began on an American Airlines flight Wednesday, when a woman apparently reclined her seat in front of Edmund Alexandre, a 61-year-old French man with a passion for personal space.  Did cooler tempers prevail though?  Did one or both of the two realize that the other was a human being, and that fighting over reclining a seat only serves to make your life so much more needlessly hard?  This is The Asshole of The Week here people, of course not! 

Why else would we be here? Right?

When Alexandre was unable to compel her to righten her seat, things reportedly escalated.


The entire Miami-to-Paris flight was forced as a consequence to re-route to Boston when the "disagreement" escalated to the point where two undercover Air Marshals were compelled to step in.

As reported in the Guardian:
Alexandre, who is from Paris, continued to be disruptive when a flight crew member attempted to calm him, following the crewman down the aisle and grabbing his arm, authorities said. Two undercover federal air marshals on the flight then subdued Alexandre and handcuffed him, the US attorney's office said.

Alexandre, who doesn't like to think about the consequences of his actions, will now have ease sleeping at night knowing he was on the right side of history.  Although, due to his charges for interfering with a flight crew, he may be doing that sleeping in jail for the next 20 years.

Understanding that flying sucks is a given, almost everyone feels a need to complain about it.  Most of the time complaining while they simultaneously acknowledge that the complainee could not care less for their complaints.  This is a sad reality of modern life.  However, being a total dick whilst flying and thus making everyone trapped in the plane with you that much more miserable, that is how you own your Asshole status.

Congratulations Mr. Alexandre and unnamed shitbag woman instigator, you have more than earned your Asshole of The Week.  Fuck you very much.


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Thursday, August 28, 2014

This Otter Has Manners For A Little While

It's a slow news day, so here is an otter eating food at a dinner table.

Look at him there, eating like a real boy!

There he is, sitting at the table politely, while some other unidentifiable critter spends it's time carousing around it's cage.  Wishing it could be as cool as an otter.

Don't worry though, things go south.

While the bowl isn't broken, let's just say the manners go out the window.





Hey pal! Get off the table!  You can't lay on the dinner table and eat dinner!  If you could, then we all would be living in a true paradise.

The video comes from (of course) Japan, where everybody assumedly has tons of cool pets that eat from pink bowls at the dinner table.

Like the video? Check out more at Japanese YouTube user mixjam11.


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Brace Yourselves Hello Kitty Is Not A Cat

Hope you are sitting down for this one.

Big news out of Japan, the home of everything unique, today.  Hello Kitty, the massively successful brand mascot, which the world has up until now assumed is a friendly, bow wearing kitty, is not actually a cat.  Everything you have ever known is a lie, and the world is a cruel, cold mistress.

Don't get too attached kid, because you're in for a nasty surprise.

Yes, the stuffed animal whose cuteness cannot be denied, the animal that looks like a cat, talks like a cat, and even is named after a cat, is no kitty at all.  This earth shattering news comes in advance of the first Hello Kitty-con, set to take place in Los Angeles this fall.

Don't worry, Anthropologist Christine R. Yano explained the strange logic to the Los Angeles Times:

"That's one correction Sanrio made for my script for the show. Hello Kitty is not a cat. She's a cartoon character. She is a little girl. She is a friend. But she is not a cat. She's never depicted on all fours. She walks and sits like a two-legged creature. She does have a pet cat of her own, however, and it's called Charmmy Kitty"

Pets owning pets?  Kitties that aren't cats?  Well, if Hello Kitty is not a cat, then what the hell is she?  According to her designer, she is a middle aged (40 years now) receptacle for your bizarre projections:

Kitty looks happy when people are happy. She looks sad when they are sad. For this psychological reason, we thought she shouldn't be tied to any emotion - and that's why she doesn't have a mouth.

So there you go ladies, gentlemen, and children of the Hello Kitty universe.  The world has become a confusing and frightening place.  Feel free to never leave the house again, hiding inside clutching your Hello Kitty stuffed animal and repeating to yourself, "She's still a cat, she's still a cat," while you gently rock back and forth.  It will all be okay.



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Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Okay, Who Donated The Human Skull To Goodwill?

Quick question: Did you donate a human skull to the Goodwill on North Lamar Boulevard in Austin, Texas?  Because if you did, it's no big deal, but the police would like to have a little chat with you.

I hope someone else gets a good deal on these puppies.

KXAN reports that the skull was donated recently, and while police "don't believe it was part of a crime" they "suspect it was part of a private collection."  Was it part of yours?  Why would someone go to the trouble of collecting a real human skull, only to give it away?  Did your skull collection become too much trouble?  There are so many questions.

Oddly enough, this isn't the first time someone has donated a skull to Goodwill this summer. The Medical Examiner's Office in Seattle is still looking for the person who donated three (3) human skulls to a local Goodwill in July. Was that you, too? How many skulls do you have lying around?  Now that seems like a person whose skull collection became too large.


Here is a helpful reminder from Kathy Taylor, a forensic anthropologist with the Medical Examiner's Office: 

"A skull, even a medical skull, is still human remains and needs to be treated with respect. So you shouldn't throw them in the trash, you shouldn't take them home and collect them, and you definitely shouldn't give them to Goodwill."

Hear that everybody?  Treat your real human skulls with respect, don't give them to a joint where any old high schooler can get ahold of them for $1.


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Horse And Buggy Robbed By Garbage Person

Yes, you unfortunately read that headline correctly, and no it wasn't some rich person riding for a lark in their fancy Cinderella carriage.  Just some of the most peaceful people the country has ever known. 

A group of Amish riding in a horse and buggy along a East Lampeter Township, Penn. road were robbed at gunpoint by a man in a mask. The robber apparently drove up to the horse and buggy in a white minivan, swerving into the buggy's lane to force it to stop, got out, and demanded the wallets of all three people inside.

Why couldn't the horse kick them or something?  It isn't Amish...is it?

According to LancasterOnline, not being able to fight back, one of the victims tried to at least do something.  After two of the riders handed over their wallets, one threw his wallet to the thief and had the horse hightail it into a nearby field, hoping the robber wouldn't follow.  He didn't, and thus the horse proved useful, if not confrontational. 

East Lampeter Police Lt. Robin Weaver told LancasterOnline:

"A horse and buggy has no problem in a field, and they figured the robber wouldn't follow them out there. It was pretty quick thinking on their part."

Weaver says "to pick on people such as the Amish," and rob them, is just "desperation." And even though robbing a horse and buggy seems unlikely to yield much of a profit, Weaver says that it's probably happened before, so remain vigilant.

"It's rare, but I believe it has occurred in the past," he said.

So for now, pour one out for the Amish.  Must be hard to not be able to punch someone right in the face that needs punching.  Pray that their God seeks vengeance, and sends his own version of Harrison Ford on out to Pennsylvania:









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Tuesday, August 26, 2014

One Dumbass Fails Ice Bucket Challenge Spectacularly

The ALS Ice Bucket Challenge.  There's not a chance you haven't heard about it right now.  It's perhaps one of the most successful viral marketing/charity campaigns of the internet age, and right now your Facebook feed is probably inundated with people you know, and some you don't, getting wet for a good cause.

It couldn't be more simple, pour some ice water on your head, and hopefully also donate some cash to help in the research for a cure to ALS or Lou Gehrig's disease.  So why do people keep fucking it up so badly?



Perhaps it is because out of the sheer number of people participating (which is great) some would naturally not know how to operate a bucket of water.  Or they are just idiots.  But none of the people above are as much of a dumbass as the gentleman featured below.

Why is he such a dumbass you may ask?  Well, for a challenge that exclusively features ice water, introducing fire, and using that fire to set one's self on fire, is incredibly stupid.

Second, if you had to imagine the platonic form of a failed ALS Ice Bucket Challenge, it would probably involve a guy in camo cargo pants and an American flag vest, waving an even bigger confederate flag, who sets his own hair on fire.

Ladies and gentlemen, feast your eyes on the (as of yet) worst failure of the Ice Bucket Challenge:





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Police Arrest Wanted Man After He Posts Ice Bucket Challenge Video

No good deed goes unpunished.  Especially if you are a criminal.  That's what Jesean Morris found out after someone saw him douse himself on Facebook for the latest craze that has taken over society.  The ALS Ice Bucket Challenge isn't just for charity anymore, but is also helping criminals go back to jail.

I wonder if you can donate from jail.

Morris was wanted by police in Omaha after violating the terms of his parole.  When someone saw him participating in the Ice Bucket Challenge, they decided to squeal, giving the police his location.  According to the Omaha-World Herald, after the police learned his location they arrived just in time to see him being driven away in a PT Cruiser.

Police followed, pulled the Cruiser over and arrested Morris, who allegedly gave the police a fake name at first, and also spit in their faces.  He also allegedly kicked down the partition in the police car as well.

The Smoking Gun, citing state records, reports that Morris was released in March of this year. He was tried and sentenced as an adult for his involvement in a shooting in 2010, when he was 16.

At least he cared about charity...


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Monday, August 25, 2014

John Oliver Actually Smashes A Pinata To Make This Headline Accurate

John Oliver is about to take a week off from Last Week Tonight, his excellent HBO show.  Before he does though he decided to film one more segment.  This time not attacking one thing that is terrible, but two at the same time.

Those two things: Inaccurate internet headlines, and...pinatas.

Fuck those fucking pinatas.

Funny enough though, the segment stemmed from his own awesome show. That is, when others wrote about it. Annoyed at reading Huffington Post headlines about how he pulverized, tore apart, andverbally pantsed the subjects of his previous Last Week Tonight rants, he decided to give news sites a chance to publish something more literal, but still dramatic.


So, here is a video of John Oliver smashing piñatas to bits. And also hitting one of them with a stick until it breaks apart.

Check it out, like everything he does it is both informative and hilarious:





All hail Oliver




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Sunday, August 24, 2014

Funday: Springfield Is Here To Stay

Not sure if you heard, but there's a television milestone going on around here.  Something that made it very hard to complete this episode of Funday this weekend.

Yep, currently on television is every single episode of The Simpsons back-to-back in order.  It's the best thing that has ever happened to TV.

mmmmm....best television sitcom of all time....

That's right, for the next 8 days (12 in total) you have the chance to see every appearance of Homer Simpson.  Every "d'oh," every couch gag, every Itchy & Scratchy episode, is available for your discretion.  Hell, you can even be the hipster you want to be and pinpoint the "moment when the show stopped being funny," which is actually never.





 If this event doesn't deserve a Funday celebration, nothing does.

So enjoy this Funday, and then go watch some yellow people live their lives in the most hilarious ways.  You deserve it.

Sounds

Action Bronson

Well, everybody else who makes music videos can just go ahead and forget about it for the rest of 2014.  That's because Bronsalino just made the best one of the year, without and doubt.  Motorcycles, Vietnam flashbacks, acid trips, guitar solos, leather dusters, and it even has some (super rad) music in there.  Just hang it up music world, 2015 will be here soon enough.






Gerard Way

Yep, Gerard Way is still actually releasing a solo album.  Which is an awesome idea, and even as a big My Chemical Romance fan, it is also very awesome that it seemingly will sound nothing like My Chem.  Look, this guy is a born rockstar, and pretty much has yet to do anything wrong music wise.  So if he seemingly wants to bring back britpop, despite not being from Britain, fuck it!  What I am saying is this song/video are rad, and I can't wait to hear more.






Haim f/ ASAP Ferg

While this isn't the best song by the lovely ladies of Haim, nor is it the best video that they have ever done.  Especially when they included what I consider to be one of the most annoying SNL cast members ever to be in it.  There is one thing that negates all of this, FERG.  Ferg is the absolute best, and anything he is a part of is instantly improved simply by his inclusion.






Trash Talk

Animated videos are awesome.  Especially when they look like they came straight out of the world of Bob's Burgers.  Trash Talk is also awesome, so when you animate them, then make everything freak the fuck out to the level of their music, it works, it works so hard.






Nicki Minaj

It has been an excellent week for music videos.  The only thing that could have made this better would have been if Sir Mixalot was in that chair instead of Drake.  After all, he's earned it.






Sights

Art and Craft Trailer

Just when you think that there aren't any more original ideas for documentaries/movies anymore.  Here comes the forger to end all forgers.






Ice Bucket Challenge Failures

No good deed goes unpunished.  Before you undertake the challenge, make sure you know how a bucket works.  Or have the strength to at least lift the damn thing.  Otherwise you could be on another one of these.






Go Pee in The Ocean

Go ahead, let er rip.






Firework Safety Suit

Everybody's favorite crazy inventor Colin Furze is back, this time building his own safety suit.  Because after all the best place to view a firework show is inside all of the fireworks.  Oh yeah, unless you have a cool workshop, don't do this.  Or totally do, whatever.






Shower Thoughts

Nick Offerman and his mustache are here to drop some knowledge on you, shower style.  Yes, everybody's favorite Reddit thread makes you realize that your right hand has never actually touched your right elbow.






That's it for this week.  See you next Funday folks (where there will still be Simpsons episodes happening).  What a world!




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Friday, August 22, 2014

AOTW: Man Calls 911 On Stripper

Welcome to the Asshole of The Week, where each Friday we focus on one person, place, or thing that is the absolute worst. This week was an easy one, as you will see clearly.

A Montana man called the police Saturday night because a stripper accepted his $350 for a private dance and "ripped him off" by refusing to have sex with him.  You may want to read that one again.

Did you guess he had a mustache?  Because he totally has a mustache.

William McDaniel's night at the suburban Butte's Sagebrush Sam's gentlemen's club took a turn for the worst after he became unable to recognize the difference between a prostitute and a dancer at a strip club.  The 53-year-old was promptly arrested for soliciting, and hopefully given a talk by the police on the difference between the two professions.

But wait, McDaniel gets to be more of a scumbag. Police say that the dancer cut McDaniel's backroom session short when he "became sexually aggressive" toward her.

Butte-Silver Bow Undersheriff George Skuletich:

"He felt he was ripped off by the bar. He assumed he paid the $350 for sexual acts that didn't occur."
McDaniel didn't get a refund though.  In fact, he had to lay out a few more hundred bucks.  $550, for his bond.

The Smoking Gun points out that the charmingly named Sagebrush Sam's (pictured below) only had one Yelp review at the time of the incident, a one-star screed that read, "This establishment needs a complete makeover. Walls and floor are extremely filthy. Even the stripper pole looked like it was going to break loose from the floor."

Just because the joint isn't perfect, doesn't mean you get the right to be a total dickbag.  Congratulations Mr. McDaniel, you are the Asshole of The Week.  You've more than earned it.


What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine


Congressional Staffers Just Cannot Stop Editing Wikipedia

Congressional IP addresses just got blocked from Wikipedia, for the third time in two months.  Why you may ask?  Someone just cannot stop editing the page of actress Laverne Cox on their work computer.  Most of which are less than what you would call tactful.

You'd think it would be the House of Cards page...

So what it the phantom editor doing, while they are supposed to be working for freedom?  Well, according to the A.V. Club, they are being a real asshole:

Shortly after 10 p.m. last night, somebody from within the House Of Representatives changed the Wikipedia entry for Laverne Cox, a transgender actress who plays transgender inmate Sophia Burset on Orange Is The New Black. The entry originally said that an article in The Advocate "touted thatOrange Is The New Black contains the first ever women-in-prison narrative to be played by a real transgender woman." But the anonymous elected representative (or someone from their staff) changed the line to the hateful "a real man pretending to be a woman." The elected official (or their staff member) also added a link to a National Review article published last month that claimed Cox is "not a real woman." The IP address was banned from making edits for one month.

The activity was first highlighted by a Twitter account that tracks edits made by Congressional IP addresses.


So who is the big jerk?  

It's impossible to know whether the edits are coming from one or multiple users, but the changes come from an IP address, 143.231.249.138, that has repeatedly been linked to House of Representatives computers. In the "talk" discussion section of one article, an individual making the changes has also claimed to be a staffer on Capitol Hill.

So if you are reading this...get back to work, and also stop being terrible will you?



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Thursday, August 21, 2014

The Simpsons Marathon Is Here To Make Your Life Better

By the time you are reading this, it will have already begun.  The greatest idea in the history of television.  Yes, in order to both promote their fledgeling secondary channel, (that is struggling) and celebrate 25 years of funny, FXX is airing every single episode of the greatest television show ever made.

That's right, for the next 12 days, every one of the 552 episodes of America's favorite animated family will air on the channel without interruption from any other syndicated garbage.

That's right it is time to smile.


From 1989's beginning on the Tracey Ullman Show, to 2014's current season, you have the opportunity to see them all.  Watch Bart fall in love, Apu get married, Homer become an astronaut, and Mr. Burns be shot by a mystery Springfieldian.

It's the best thing to happen to television.

So hunker down when you can, for the Bumblebee man, Itchy and Scratchy, McBain, Dr. Nick, Duffman, and even the late great Phil Hartman who you might remember as Troy McClure.  Oh, and pretty much every celebrity cameo you could think of.

As I type this I am currently enjoying the 1990 episode "Call of The Simpsons" in which the family becomes trapped in the woods.  Whereby Maggie is almost attacked by bears until she puts a pacifier in their mouth, and Homer is of course mistaken for Sasquatch.

Can't wait to see all of my favorite moments live again as well, like this one:





Just sit down, and enjoy, remember why you rightfully loved the best show ever.


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Wednesday, August 20, 2014

It's Finally Here: Nicki Minaj's Anaconda Music Video Is Upon Us

After weeks of teasers, rumors, memes, concern trolling, and more teasers, the video for Nicki Minaj's 'Anacoda' made its debut on her Vevo channel at midnight.  Yes you teeming masses yearning for gluteus maximus(es), ANACONDA IS FINALLY HERE.

It may be the best music video ever made, or could perhaps be the worst.  That is still up in the air for now, although in 12 hours it has already amassed over 3 million views on YouTube.  Proving that all the hype was worth it as the song is also selling like hotcakes (butt reference).

So the jury is still out on the "goodness" verdict, but one thing about the video is clear.  There is a massive amount of....product placement.  Also, there are butts.  A whole bunch of butts.  Like a lot of butts, all kinds.  Well, all kinds of big butts.

Also featured, the queen of butts.
The butts are shaking, they are going upside down, they are wiggling, and being crammed into small clothes.  The butts are busy.  Meanwhile, they are interspersed with a surprising celebrity cameo, various Minaj products, and fruit spinning around on a turntable.  Even if you haven't seen the video yet, that previous sentence should have been as fun to read as it was to write.

Regardless of whether you love or hate it, it is hard to deny the star power of Nicki.  When just the title artwork (featured above) caused an internet sensation, spawning hundreds of photoshops, memes, and parodies, the video is sure to hit even harder.  

Check the video out below:



Think I need to watch it a few more times, for research purposes.

Also, this:

Presented without comment.

Somewhere, I hope Sir Mixalot is smiling.


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Norway Arrests First Drunk Driver On A Segway

After lifting the ban on Segways last month, Norwegian officials have now made their first arrest of a person driving the thing that it is impossible to look cool on.  A man was riding the dorkmobile erratically in central Oslo when he was pulled over.  Turns out he'd had a few.

Why else would you ride a Segway?

According to the BBC, the man was exhibiting "strange behavior" while riding around in the center of Oslo, and he appeared to be struggling to balance. The arrest was made as a result of the weird behavior, but a blood test has not yet confirmed whether the man was actually drunk. 


From the BBC:
They are still awaiting the results of a blood test, but Finn Erik Groenliveien - head of Oslo traffic police - is already concerned Segway users may think rules about drinking and driving don't apply to them.

Segways were previously illegal in Norway because their speed would cause them to be classified as mopeds.  Eventually though they were legalized out of hope that they would "revolutionize traffic patterns," the BBC reports.

Just goes to show, if you can drive it, people will get drunk and then do so.  Even in Norway.



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Tuesday, August 19, 2014

The Mountain Is Europe's Strongest Man


I could have told you that. Yep, it seems the strongest man in Westeros is now also the strongest man in Europe. Hafþór "Thor" Björnsson—who plays Gregor "The Mountain" Clegane on Game of Thrones—lifted more heavy things than his opponents at a competition in Leeds, England earlier this month to claim the title of Europe's Strongest Man 2014.


If you have seen the show, then you probably think this all makes a lot of sense.

Yep, probably pretty strong.

Bjornsson has previously already been named the strongest man in his home country of Iceland.  He is also the second strongest man in the world.  At the most recent Euro competition he came first in three events: deadlifting for reps, the Atlas stones (lifting huge stone orbs), and the forward hold, where the object being held was appropriately called "Thor's Hammer."  Since, you know, he is pretty much a Viking.

Thor celebrated his new title by ripping off his shirt and bellowing that he's "the future of strength" and "King of the Stones."




Everybody should have known, after what happened to the last guy who challenged him.


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Man Shows Up For Mugshot With Previous Mugshot on Shirt

You're getting arrested, and there's only one question to ask yourself:  What to wear?  You don't want to show up looking like a tool, but you also want to be memorable.  So what do you wear?

The answer is easy.  Keep it simple.  Wear a regular t-shirt, no need to show off.  Here's the kicker though, when you show up for your mugshot, print the previous mugshot photo on the front of said t-shirt.  Voila!  Perfect.

Just...magnificent.

That is exactly what 19-year-old Robert Burt did when he began his short sentence for drunk driving earlier this month.  Wanting to leave an impression, he showed up to processing wearing an orange tee, featuring his mugshot from this past June.  Just look at how he matched his previous expression perfectly in the second mugshot recreation.  His eyebrows becoming slightly smaller mustaches, matching his proper mustache.

But wait, there's more!

Below the photo is some text: BURT FAMILY REUNION, 8/8 - 8/10/2014, SPONSORED BY BUD LIGHT AND SOMERSET COUNTY SHERIFF. A family member of Burt's, we are to assume, was also locked up at the time. The police who took the photo, Burt said after his two-day incarceration was up, "were laughing their asses off," and asked him to hold his placard so that the photo was visible.

"I'm out bitchs," (not a typo by me) he reportedly wrote on Facebook, celebrating his release. Out and looking good, Robert. You win.



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Monday, August 18, 2014

Don't Worry Facebook Knows You Are Stupid

It can be tough on the Internet.  Everyday the preferred information collection avenue for millions is awash with inaccurate, unverified "news" that can confuse and misinform those who are looking for some answers.

I know how to use the internet, but I have no idea how to evaluate information!


This is especially true if you are a complete idiot. However, you don't need to worry anymore morons of the world. No longer will you have to be left to wonder if Busch Garden's new 9,600-mile-long roller coaster an obvious, ridiculous joke or something that exists in reality?

Oh boy.

Or if you must live in constant fear that Mecha Osama Bin Laden will destroy your city with extreme prejudice.

It's trouble my friend.  Giant trouble.


This is because Facebook, the Internet's most trusted and lovable source of (mis)information has you covered.  From now on, articles posted to the social networking site that originate from The Onion, the Internet's massively popular satire news site, will now be marked as satire.  Can you hear that?  Everywhere stupid people have uttered a sigh of relief that their Anytown USA will not fall victim to an "Enraged 500ft Tall Bin Laden."  Thank god!

In a statement to Ars Technica, a Facebook spokesperson explained the move was a "small test" in response to "feedback that people wanted a clearer way to distinguish satirical articles from others." For now, the tag only appears in the site's "Related Articles" tab, but Facebook wouldn't say if they had plans to display the disclaimer elsewhere in the future.

There's only one problem here.  If you believe that you could be attacked by a giant Bin Laden whilst riding a 9,000 mile long roller coaster, are you going to know what the word satire means?  It's probably okay though, you can just ask others on Twitter what it means.


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Meet HitchBOT The Cute Hitchhiking Robo-Pal

Robots.  When they aren't coming to kill you, or giving you a first-hand look at your terrible future, they can actually be quite charming.  Such is the case with one certain "robot" made out of everything you would find in your garden shed.

It's name is HitchBOT, and it is spending it's days not plotting your demise, but hitchhiking around Canada.

You should be ashamed if something that looks like this kills you.

HitchBOT was created by researchers David Smith and Frauke Zeller who are studying the relationship between people and technology. The bucket-bodied creature is set to reach is final destination Sunday in Victoria, British Columbia.

HitchBOT is in fact the ideal travel guest. It won't kill you, despite the fact that it is a robot. In fact it will even chat you up, as it has been programmed to ask and answer basic questions. It's also equipped with the ability to stand, via a retractable tripod, and comes with its own car seat, so drivers can strap it in. Remember, safety first.  All it asks for is a charge every now and then from your cigarette lighter, and it will even let you know when it is time.

The robot has been programmed to update social media with its adventures, posting dispatches on Twitter and Instagram, much to the delight of our neighbors to the north.

It's probably already been to more locales than you have this summer, traveling around the massive expanse that is Canada, stopping for photo ops along the way.








Don't take my word for it though, let ol' Hitchy explain himself


hitchBOT from hitchBOT on Vimeo.



So if you find yourself in Canada any time soon, and see a rubber gloved thumb extended on the side of the road, maybe pull over.  Well, as long as the thumb belongs to a robot.


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Sunday, August 17, 2014

Funday: This Is Not A Test

Man, what a couple of weeks, eh America?

Things have been firmly set in the "bad news" mode lately, and times are tough.  Whether it be the absolute nightmare that is Missouri, or the loss of this guy:

Oh no.
It's been a hard fortnight, and there's no joke here, no cleverness.  Just an offer, that Funday will be here, if you want to read it or not.

It's okay, go be sad, or angry.  Then maybe find a little bit of relief.

You'll bounce back, we all just know you will.

Sounds

Kool AD

While the outlook for Das Racist to have a reunion doesn't look good, it's okay.  That's because Kool AD keeps putting out lots of music, of varying styles and substances.  This time he decided to make a straight up simple old school throwback.  When I say old school throwback I really mean it, not just evoking that feeling, but actually almost copying it.  The result?  Like everything he does, it is great.






Twin Peaks

If you name your band off of a television show that many people of the 90's have a high regard for, you either need that band to be one of two things: 1)Really weird  OR 2)Pretty damn good.  This Twin Peaks is not nearly as weird as David Lynch's masterpiece series, but they are the latter.  So that is acceptable.






Raury

Kids these days, with their tie-dye, and their swim trunks, and forrest make out sessions.






Alt-J

I promise I really do try to not post a song from these guys every week, but it is increasingly hard not to when every single week they release another something special.  I swear, next week will be Alt-J free, I think...






Joey Bada$$

Here's the thing about Joey that is so great.  Not only is he a grimy throwback to that particular style of 90's rap that I hold very dearly to my heart.  On top of that, he even matches the themes of his videos to make you think you are watching a Smif-N-Wessun or Heltah Skeltah video straight out of '95.  Right down to the wardrobe and the oh-so-mid-90's  wobbly bending lens thing.






Sights

F-1 Bungee Jump

Jesus, Top Gear is the best show.  Even if you don't like cars everyone can appreciate the semi-person that is The Stig bungee jumping an F-1 car.  Everyone can get behind that kind of ridiculous premise, and hilarious execution.






Bolt-On

You tell me book readers, but this one is a doozy GOT theory.






Madden Time

Behold, the most hilarious/insane commercial for a video game that has ever existed.  It has a Franco (don't worry it's Dave), Kevin Hart, and a cameo by Damian Lillard that had me close to tears.  Madden commercials have never been close to being this good, if only the game was as fun.






Robin Williams Tribute

Thanks Robin.






There we go folks, that's all for this time.  Until next week, go watch some Robin Williams movies, you might think they will make you sad, but that's just not possible.  They're too much of a delight.


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Friday, August 15, 2014

AOTW: Way To Be Terrible Internet

Welcome back to the Asshole of The Week, where each Friday we highlight one person, place, or thing that is the absolute worst.

This week is a doozy folks, whereby the Internet, which can be a wonderful tool of social justice and support, was this time used in the other way.  The way whereby strangers treated another stranger who they've never met, terribly, for no reason other than the fact that they could.

This person who was wronged by the Internet: Zelda Williams, the daughter of the late Robin Williams.



After the much unexpected loss of one of comedy's greats, and the man who was her father, Zelda spoke publicly on her loss by penning a heartbreaking tribute to the man:

My family has always been private about our time spent together. It was our way of keeping one thing that was ours, with a man we shared with an entire world. But now that's gone, and I feel stripped bare. My last day with him was his birthday, and I will forever be grateful that my brothers and I got to spend that time alone with him, sharing gifts and laughter. He was always warm, even in his darkest moments. While Ill never, ever understand how he could be loved so deeply and not find it in his heart to stay, theres minor comfort in knowing our grief and loss, in some small way, is shared with millions. It doesn't help the pain, but at least its a burden countless others now know we carry, and so many have offered to help lighten the load. Thank you for that. 
To those he touched who are sending kind words, know that one of his favorite things in the world was to make you all laugh. As for those who are sending negativity, know that some small, giggling part of him is sending a flock of pigeons to your house to poop on your car. Right after youve had it washed. After all, he loved to laugh too. 
Dad was, is and always will be one of the kindest, most generous, gentlest souls Ive ever known, and while there are few things I know for certain right now, one of them is that not just my world, but the entire world is forever a little darker, less colorful and less full of laughter in his absence. Well just have to work twice as hard to fill it back up again.

Then, hours later, she announced that she was deleting her Twitter and Instagram, because of "cruel and unnecessary" comments left by trolls.

Tuesday night, Zelda posted and then deleted the following tweet: "Please report @PimpStory @MrGoosebuster. I'm shaking. I can't. Please. Twitter requires a link and I won't open it. Don't either. Please." Both accounts were eventually suspended.

Not long after she deleted her accounts.

Williams elaborated on her Instagram before deleting it:

I will be leaving this account for a but while I heal and decide if I'll be deleting it or not. In this difficult time, please try to be respectful of the accounts of myself, my family and my friends. Mining our accounts for photos of dad, or judging me on the number of them is cruel and unnecessary. There are a couple throughout, but the real private moments I shared with him were precious, quiet, and believe it or not, not full of photos or 'selfies'. I shared him with a world where everyone was taking their photo with him, but I was lucky enough to spend time with him without cameras too. That was more than enough, and I'm grateful for what little time I had. My favorite photos of family are framed in my house, not posted on social media, and they 'll remain there. They would've wound up on the news or blogs then, and they certainly would now. That's not what I want for our memories together. Thank you for your respect and understanding in this difficult time. Goodbye. Xo

Internet, you just attacked not only a person you don't know, but someone who was grieving the loss of their parent, and you did so because online social media allows you to be the cowards that you are.  Hiding behind a wall of anonymity.  

Unless you are one of the degenerates responsible, there doesn't even need to be more elaboration, most sane people can see how awful this is.

Congratulations Internet, you are the AOTW, fuck you very much.


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Woman Held Hostage By Cat

For 14 years their cat, Cuppy, was a lovable household friend.  Then, for one San Diego mother and daughter, things changed.  Cuppy got mad, and started taking hostages.  His owners to be specific, trapping them inside their own bedroom.  Cuppy's days as the family pet might be numbered.

I told you, that was the LAST TIME I AM EATING DRY FOOD!

Southern California's Chula Vista police received an unusual 911 call at 4 a.m. on August 12.  The mother and daughter were forced to retreat into the mother's bedroom when the cat suddenly went nuts.  They needed some help from Cuppy, and only Southern Cali's finest could do the job.

Karen Yarger, neighbor to Cuppy:

"He's just a ball of fury I guess."

According to the 911 dispatchers, the woman did try to leave the room, but to no avail.  Cuppy trapped them, and Cuppy wasn't letting them go.

Surprisingly, the police didn't show up with teargas and SWAT gear, just a pair of officers who were already having a slow night.  They talked Cuppy down by "softly" calling his name until he exited the premises.  The family was saved.

What made Cuppy so mad?  The world may never know.


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Thursday, August 14, 2014

Woman Avoids Traffic Ticket By Nearly Dying

Good news ladies (and men)!  No longer will you have to worry about flirting with a police officer after committing a traffic offense.  Never again will you have to fake crying to get out of a fine.  There is a new tried and true 100% way to get out of any traffic stop.  Just come close to dying, and you're home free.

I see here that you are dying.  I'm gonna let you off with a warning.

Just follow in the footsteps of one Kalamazoo, MI woman who after running a red light right in front of a cop, did the only thing she could to get out of it.  She nearly killed herself.

The woman, who was eating a hotdog whilst driving (what some would call a good ol' time) quickly realized she had made a terrible mistake, when she began choking on the delicious food.

By the time she pulled over allowing the officer to reach her window, she could barely breathe.

The officer quickly decided that traffic problems were the least of this woman's concern.  He pulled her out of the car and began performing the Heimlich maneuver. Eventually, he was able to dislodge both the 'dog and its bun, declaring "Holy shit," as the traumatized woman began hysterically crying.


The woman was not ticketed, and the officer is now being regarded as a hero.  

See?  Sometimes nearly dying: Total win/win.

Don't worry, there's totally dash cam video:






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