Thursday, July 31, 2014

It Used To Be Real Hard To Get Sexy Online

Today in 2014, it is pretty easy to get sexy online.  With our Tinders and Grindrs, and our access to whatever pornography we could imagine, it might even be a little too easy.

However, it wasn't always this way you lucky Millenials, back in the 1990's getting sexy online was tough.  It even required instructional video, the kind you can look back on now and find hilarious.  People had to learn how to properly A/S/L, and what the hell A/S/L even meant.

Yeah, now we are talking.

Below you will find a clip for "How To Have Cybersex on The Internet" which is like getting into a non-titillating time machine.  According to Joe Pickett and Nick Prueher—writers for The Onionand Late Show with David Letterman, respectively—the clip comes from a VHS tape (yes, for a VCR) found in a Minnestota thrift store.  It has some of the slowest erotic typing you will ever see, and an inexplicably disappearing sweater.  If only this was available to me then.  

Check it out, and learn some stuff, like the art of one handed typing:





Is it hot in here?  Yesssssssss.


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Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Flying Hatchet Nearly Kills Woman On Interstate

Below is a picture of a hatchet stuck in a windshield on I-95 in Massachusetts.

Man did I have a hell of a commute this morning.
How did this hatchet become lodged in a windshield, not very far from being lodged instead in a woman's head?  Let the Massachusetts State Police explain:

These motorists, whom we are not identifying, endured a very frightening moment shortly before 11 a.m. today as they were driving on Route 95 southbound in Topsfield. A landscaper driving a dump truck in front of them had failed to properly secure an axe, which flew off the truck and struck the windshield of the car behind it. Thankfully, the axe only went halfway through the windshield. The passenger who is partially seen in the photo was shaken up (who wouldn't be?) but not injured.

A trooper arrived on the scene and issued the driver of the landscaping truck a $200 ticket "for failure to secure cargo."  The police, not wanting to pass up an opportunity to teach a lesson, offered two:


  1. Secure your stuff, idiot.
  2. Don't speed.

The man whose car was struck was obeying the speed limit, driving about 65 mph. If he had been speeding, the increased velocity of his car would have increased the power of the axe's impact, meaning it could very well have gone through the glass and injured his passenger. Please remember those lessons. We are very thankful that this situation did not have a worse ending.

Looks like everybody dodged the hatchet on this one.


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Watch Samuel L. Jackson Curse Many Times In This Supercut

It's a slow news day, so instead we have a little Samuel L. Jackson, American treasure, for you.  Yes Sam Jackson, the man who will be in any movie, and always make it better with his appearance.

Call him a motherfucker McClane, he'll hate that.


Clearly he is the best, and part of the reason he has become the best is because like many great persons in their respective fields, he has carved out his own niche.  That niche revolves around a word: Motherfucker.

Never before has an actor been so synonymous with an expletive the way that Mr. Jackson has, and has enriched all of our lives in the process.  In fact, according to Huffington Post motherfuckerologists Oliver Noble and Ben Craw, Jackson has uttered what many regard as the king (or queen) of curse words 171 times in his lengthy career.  Or at least that is how many they caught in their supercut of Jackson cementing his own personal brand.

They also found that Jackson hit his motherfucking stride in the films of Quentin Tarantino, who himself is a fan of the word.  In Jackie Brown and Pulp Fiction, Jackson gives us 37 and 26 motherfuckers respectively, and also the famous wallet.

Also, it's not just a signature of his films, as Jackson has also proven to the world time and time again how versatile motherfucker can be.  He has been able over just a few years, to spell it 151 unique ways on Twitter.  Now that's dedication.

Check out the supercut below, and if you are at work, put on some motherfucking headphones:





Peace you MF's.


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Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Finally You Can Play Doom On An ATM

ATM's are generally good things, all the nasty fees aside.  They give you a quick and convenient way to get your money, so you can buy things, like video games.  Or they give thieves a quick and easy way to rob you while you get your money, so they can buy things, like video games.  They are pretty much a win/win for everybody.

However, there is a fault with current ATM technology.  Things would be a whole lot easier if you could skip the step where you got the money to buy video games and instead just played the games right there on the ATM.  This would save you a bunch of time, and possibly provide a means to turn your potential robbery into a thief/non-thief bonding session.  Sadly though, this has never been possible...until now!

Thanks to a group of Australian hackers who happen to also be video game enthusiasts, this bizarre dream has now come true.  All it took was to get their hands on their own ATM that they could disassemble, then reassemble, as a video game machine.

A video game machine that allows you to play id Software's absolute classic Doom, on an ATM.

Sorry, trips to Hell can only be withdrawn in multiples of 10.

Although you are relegated to using the number pad in lieu of a keyboard, this is still pretty damn cool.  Also, I can finally use my patented catch phrase, "Insufficient fund this!" as I blow away Imps and Cacodemons.  Subsequently, my patented catch phrase also now finally kind of makes sense.

Check out the video below to see how the dudes did it, fingers crossed for a Quake version next:





Video games!


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Monday, July 28, 2014

Inventor Builds Giant Butt So He Can Fart At France

British inventor Colin Furze is a man who likes to have fun.  He has his fun by inventing things and posting them to his YouTube channel, where he has become an online celebrity for his ingenious and often funny antics.  Previously he has created a jet-powered bike and the world's fastest toilet.

However, with his most recent invention he has totally outdone even himself.

Big ol' butt.

His newest toy is, as you can see above, a giant metal butt with a butthole fashioned to fire a pulsejet.  Why?  Well, to fart at France of course.

After learning the pulsejet sounded alarmingly like a fart, Furze hoped to create a jet loud enough to be heard across the English channel, 21 miles from his location on a beach in southern England. (He does quote the Monty Python line you're thinking of, if you were wondering.) 

Watch the "experiment" here:  





If you would like a little more info on the contraption that makes the butt fart, here is how he created the pulsejet:




Also, that previous sentence is one I never expected to write.

Suck it France!


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Here's A Sneak Peek of The Simpsons x Family Guy Crossover

San Diego Comic Con just wrapped up this past Sunday, but not before the Family Guy panel showed off one surprise up it's short sleeve.  A 4-minute clip of the upcoming September 28th. crossover episode with The Simpsons was shown, and since there is a thing that exists called the internet, it is now online for your viewing pleasure.

Homer is ready for viewing.


From what is shown, the episode looks to be an interesting one, with both shows throwing in their brand of unique humor.  Or in the case of Family Guy, "humor."  Also, The Simpsons uses the opportunity to bring back some time honored tropes which are still pretty good, like Bart making prank calls for Stewie, and Bart showcasing his skateboard skills.  Something which hasn't been shown in a while now.  It's fun.

The episode even features a more exciting cameo from another Fox Sunday night character, that's right everybody, the guy from the show that is way too good for the amount of views it gets:  Bob Belcher.  (Although he is the brunt of an awful cruel joke, somewhere H. Jon Benjamin is crying.)

Check the clip out for yourself below:




Good thing there is a show like The Simpsons to make Family Guy worth watching again.  Also, no beer is as good as Duff beer, it's a fact.


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Sunday, July 27, 2014

There Is A New Mad Max Movie And It Will Slay You

This weekend it happened, one of the biggest collection of nerds, geeks, and fans of Batman descended upon the San Diego Convention Center for the San Diego Comic Con.  The place where people who know the name of every single Enterprise ship can co-exist peacefully with the people who can tell you the name of every Ewok.  Where people can dress like this and be featured on numerous websites the next day in articles entitled "The 17 Most WTF Cosplay Pics From San Diego Comic-Con" (actual title.):

It truly is a magical place.

However, it is not just the place where one could go to unashamedly discuss the merits of Frank Miller's vs Neil Gaiman's depiction of Batman (because obviously Gaiman.) It also is increasingly the place where Hollywood comes to hock their schlock onto the nerd masses.  The kind of superfans who will wait in line 4 hours to see a logo for a new movie that isn't out until next year.

Ah, so it's a bat and an S...WOW!

However, somewhere between the dressing up, the shameless shills, and the overpriced toys, there is often some really cool stuff that shows it's head.

Like the new Mad Max film, which after over a decade in development, is finally going to happen.  Oh, and just in case you were worried that Hollywood forgot about how shitty of a person Mel Gibson is and gave him another shot as Max- Don't even sweat it, because Max is now Tom Hardy, which seems just about perfect.  Alongside Bane stars Charlize Theron, as a warrior named Furiosa, who has a robot arm, which is also perfect.

And I didn't even have to wait in line to see this...

One part of the original series that is staying intact is that George Miller, the director and man behind the series, is fully in control of this one.  This, as you will see below, is a very good thing.

As for the trailer itself, it doesn't look like a movie from 2014, or even 2015 when it will be premiering.  It looks like something straight out of 1973, in the best way possible.  What that means is that this is probably the first major movie release in years that is comprised almost entirely of practical effects.  Which in a movie that is based on a bunch of cobbled together muscle cars running into each other and exploding, goes a very long way into making it seem incredible.  Moreover, the computer effects used are used so sparingly, you barely even notice.  No full green screen work here, just a bunch of insane people in leather bondage gear firing guns at each other as they careen through a desert.

It's pretty much everything I have ever wanted in a Mad Max sequel.

Check it out for yourself:





May 15th, 2015 is going to be a good day.


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Funday: Welcome to The Main Event

Come one!  Come all!  It's time for another Funday ladies and gents!  The weekly event that seems like a sideshow but is actually the main event.

Let's get weird!

We have some good stuff this week, and it doesn't even include a single bearded woman or strongman with handlebar mustache.  It is even better than all that stuff.  So with no further adieu, come feast your eyes in an attempt to jazz up the day before the day that you have to go back to work!

Don't worry, the admission is free!

Sounds

2 Chainz

People are getting very upset at this video.  Those people are stupid.  It is a homage to Michael Jackson's iconic "Thriller" video, and it is fun.  Hell, there is even a disclaimer at the front, and the best part: the fact that 2 Chainz calls himself Deuces.  That answered a burning question for me right there.






The Drums

The Drums are a good band.  However, they become a much better band when you imagine they're sad knights with the ability to throw fireballs trapped inside of a French New Wave film.






Basement Jaxx

Well, you have happened upon the best video of the year.  What makes it so you might ask?  Well, this video features a Japanese robotic twerking butt.  Enough said.  Also, if we would have known that twerking could save the world, then perhaps we would have given Miley Cyrus a break.  Maybe.






Spoon

Come for the 20 years young band still doing it.  Stay for the end of video twist that somewhere has M. Night Shyamalan kicking himself for not thinking of it first.  Well, in between kicking himself for styling his name so stupidly, and being such a hack.






MNEK

Early 90's dance music sound?  That's all you need to say.  Bonus points for making the video also look like an early 90's dance music video.  Complete with wiggly colorful text.  Attention to detail is key.






Sights

Nightcrawler

Jake Gyllenhaal playing a reporter in a movie is such a good idea.  Last time he played a reporter was in Zodiac which is absolutely excellent.  This time he is a much different reporter, in what looks like the journalism version of Scorcese's super underrated Bringing Out The Dead.  Sold.






Game of Thrones Bloopers

Arya and The Hound don't just steal every scene they're in, they also steal every blooper scene they are in.  Also, I have said it before and I'll say it again: Charles Dance is a god amongst men.







80's Computer Hacking Supercut

Now that computers are all advanced and shit, can we please start making them aesthetically like 1980's computers.  So much green text and black backgrounds, it's beautiful.  Gimme those CRT's and clackity keyboards, and I will be set for life.






20 Nintendo Facts

Speaking of 80's computer awesomenesss, shout out to you Nintendo.  Much respect.







Bonus Clip





That's it you degenerates.  See you next week!

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Friday, July 25, 2014

AOTW: Don't Taunt The Police

Welcome back to another edition of Asshole of The Week, where each week we celebrate a person, place, or thing that totally sucks.  This week it is a man, who you could also call a moron.

They say the best criminals never underestimate the police.  However, smart of a baddie you think you are, there are also some intelligent police out there looking for you.  That is the mantra of a good criminal.  Roger Ray Ireland is not a good criminal.

Ireland was on the run from Anne Arundel, Md. police when he saw the wanted poster-style image they had posted of him on Facebook, seeking information that might lead to his arrest.  So naturally, he decided to give some information that would lead to his arrest himself.  He left a comment.

"I'm totally gonna make that my profile pic!"


"Y'all will never catch me," read his since-deleted first post, left Wednesday. After others began tagging members of his family in response to the taunt, he returned to post again.

From ABC:

"Yo all yall people tagging my hole [sic] family bout [sic] my bi (business) stay tha [sic] [expletive] out my [expletive]," Ireland wrote in response.

Does your whole family live in a "hole?"  Or are you just incapable of correct spelling and grammar?  On second thought, it might be best to not put much thought into this one.  Just like Ireland did.

Now can we all together guess what happened?  Ready? Go!  The police caught him the next day hiding out in Baltimore.  He was arrested for violating probation.

Good luck to his hole-family, must be tough with a family member in jail, while living in a hole.

Congratulations Roger Ray Ireland, you are the Asshole of The Week.


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Thursday, July 24, 2014

Three Naked College Idiots Steal A Bunch of Burgers

Here we are, back in Florida again folks.  Not for A MAN BEING RUN OVER BY HIS OWN TRUCK, but sadly for more idiocy: Florida Style.

It was your typical Florida evening, three butt-naked college bros broke into a burger shack looking for some raw meat.  They found it, in the form of 60 burgers, three pounds of bacon, three red peppers (not meat),  and a paddle board (also not meat) from Doc's Beach House around 3 a.m.  As of now the bros all remain at large with their spoils.

If we don't wear clothes, then we won't leave any fibers behind!  Genius!

Doc's Beach House waitress Nancy Sansevieri has described the bros as "knuckleheads" which is probably an apt descriptor.  She continued her description of them as "Dumb, dumber, and dumbest," which while not technically grammatically accurate could also work.  As you can see, security cameras caught them in the act, perhaps testing to see if they were actually invisible without clothes.


See? I told you nobody could see us!

Doc's general manager at least has a sense of humor about the robbery. "When I saw the security footage, I said how is this guy not wearing any clothes? Then I said, 'Wait, it's not just one. There's three naked.' That's what makes this funny." Yep.


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Road Rage Man Run Over By His Own Truck

People really still have road rage?  People totally still have road rage.  Especially when they are piss drunk, just like Joseph H. Carl, a resident of (surprise!) Gainesville, Fla.  This past Tuesday Carl was out for a (drunk) drive in his pickup, as Florida residents are apt to do, when he rear-ended a car that was stopped at a red light.   So what was his reaction?  Did he exit his vehicle, and profusely apologize through slurs, as it was clearly his fault?

No, no he did not.
He instead did the other drunk option, jumped out of his truck, enraged, and began beating on the windows of the car he had just run into.  If only he had remembered to put his own vehicle in park...

The driver he hit, naturally terrified, sped off, leaving Carl alone with his rage and his now rolling truck, the Gainesville Sun reports.  Then Carl, being drunk, did what he thought would stop the truck now rolling forward towards him, he held out his arms.  It didn't work, and he was then run over.

Soon after the police arrived and found that Carl smelled strongly of alcohol as he refused treatment from paramedics.  There was even a cold, open Miller High Life (champagne of beers, fancy!) and several empty beer cans inside.  However, Carl insisted that he didn't drink and drive.  When asked about the empties, he replied that "he was only drinking while he drove home."  Because there is totally a distinction.

The 48-year-old refused a breathalyzer test, and failed field sobriety tests so was then arrested for DUI.  Eventually, he was taken to University of Florida Health Shands Hospital for treatment of fractures on his foot and hand. There, he blew a .22 blood-alcohol level, three times Florida's legal limit.


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Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Lawyers Totally Need Kid Rock To Turn Over His Insane Clown Posse Glass Dildo

Earlier this week, Kid Rock walked through his mansion and lifted a special case off of his massive bookshelf.  Taking a seat in his leopard printed throne, he lovingly blew the dust off of the black lacquered wood case.  He opened it slowly and retrieved the glass dildo inside.  He peered at it and nodded solemnly, his eyes welling up with tears.  He knew this day would come, yet was blind-sided nonetheless.  If the buxom blonde in his bed had seen the single tear fall down his cheek, she wouldn't have known why.

Kid kept this secret deep inside: he had been notified via subpoena that he must present his crystal clear sex toy, given to him by an employee of the Insane Clown Posse, as evidence in a sexual harassment trial.

*sniff* Take good care of Lil' Joe C *sniff* He means a lot.


The trial regards the case of Andrea Pellegrini, who was at one time publicist for America's most (inexplicably) popular rapping clowns.  So where does the dildo fall in this?  According to Pellegrini, it is one example of the sustained harassment she endured as an employee of ICP's Psychopathic Records.  Surprise!  The people who call themselves Insane Clown Posse would allow harassment!

In her lawsuit, she alleges that she was gifted the dildo by a human named "Dirty Dan" Diamond when Diamond noticed that she had changed her relationship status on Facebook.  Surprise!  A man named Dirty Dan would harass women sexually!

Pellegrini turned down the dildo, given to her by a man named Dirty Dan, as any human being would.  Well, any person except Kid Rock.  Who later was then himself presented with the dildo by a man whom everyone referred to as Dirty Dan, and thought "Well, I cannot miss this valuable opportunity."

Dirty Dan Diamond admitted under oath that he verbally harassed Pellegrini at work, which is surprising (given his name is Dirty Dan.)  This might be a low point for ol' Dirty, but at least he will always be friends with the Kid.

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The Rock Finally Tells The Story Of The Most 90's Photo Ever

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, movie star, eyebrow raiser, human-hulk, caused quite the stir last week when a photo of him surfaced on Instagram.  It was from 1996, and became famous because it is quite possibly the most 90's photo of all time.  What photo you may ask?

This one:

What? No giant mobile phone?

As you can see, the photo has it all.  High-top fade?  Check.  Tucked in turtleneck blessed by chain?  Oh you know that's a check.  90's Playgirl pose/lean?  Check and check.  Topped off exquisitely by the leather fanny pack.  The only way this photo could be more 90's was if this was playing on VHS in the background.

However, like all mythological things, the photo appeared online with no explanation.  Just pure unadulterated 90's Rock, all up in yo' business.

Now though, the story can finally be told.  Last night The Rock appeared on The Tonight Show, where Jimmy Fallon did the lord's work and grilled him about the hard questions.  Like, just what was in that fanny pack?  His guess: "Pokemon cards and an inhaler."  Come on Jimmy, we all know the man in that photo is clearly too awesome to get down on Pokemon.  Clearly it was Pop-Tarts and condoms.  You know Rocky gets down with safe sex.





Clearly the tissue was there to protect The People's Elbow.  One does just not touch The People's Elbow.

Take it easy on us Rock, surely you have more of these.  Release them sparingly, the Internet cannot just handle a flood of things this awesome.


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Tuesday, July 22, 2014

George Harrison Memorial Tree Killed By Actual Beetles

Well isn't that a bizarrely fitting end?  Yes, you read that headline correctly, a Los Angeles local living monument tree dedicated to the best Beatle (don't start) has been put to rest by actual beetles, who ate it.

Oh, my sweet Lord.


The 10-ft tree, planted in 2004, fell victim to an infestation of insects that just could not be bested.  However, according to Councilman Tom LeBonge, another tree will be replanted to replace the beetle ravaged carcass.

Harrison had spent his last years in L.A., before passing at the age of 58 in 2001.  The George Harrison Tree, planted near the city's famous Griffin observatory, was accompanied by a plaque reading:

"In memory of a great humanitarian who touched the world as an artist, a musician and a gardener."

It also featured a quote from the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, the longtime friend and guru to Harrison:

"For the forest to be green, each tree must be green"

The memorial itself has only one review on Yelp, which now sans tree reads like a memorial to the tree itself:

On the day I was there, many tourists and visitors, in fact, walked right by it without noticing it at all. There is no signage that leads people to the tree, and the memorial plaque is near the ground and out-of-sight. Furthermore, I didn't see any buskers or fans with guitars either playing "Here Comes the Sun," "Something," or "My Sweet Lord" (or any of Harrison's many other well known songs). Instead, with my own private thoughts and reflections, I enjoyed that pine tree in peace just as George, I'm sure, would have wanted it.

Better get that new tree planted soon.


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Watch John Stewart Illustrate The Problem With Talking About Gaza

When it comes to talking about your opinions on the situation in Gaza, things can get out of hand pretty quick.  You are either a child-killer actively participating in apartheid, or an anti-Semitic terrorist sympathizer, which in the case of Jon Stewart, you can be even if you are Jewish.

Catching a tough break on this one.

Stewart had a little bit of trouble just trying to discuss Israel's ground offensive on The Daily Show last night.  Mere seconds into the segment, all it takes is for him to mention Israel, and the segment devolves into finger-pointing, name-calling chaos.  Sounds about right.



Once again, Daily Show, you nailed it.

Just talk about Ukraine, nobody cares about that.


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Monday, July 21, 2014

Giant Chinese Rubber Duck Cannot Catch A Break

Last Wednesday, Dutch artist Florentijn Hofman's creation, a giant 59-foot rubber duck, was happily floating along the Namning River in China's Guizhou Province.  Then, after days of heavy rain, it went missing according to local media reports.  The duck itself weighs 1 ton.

This isn't the first time the giant rubber ducky has faced some massive problems.  When the art installation bird arrived in a Taiwanese port this past December, it exploded due to "unexplained circumstances."

Just wait humanity, I will destroy you.


Via the BBC:

The 18 metre (50 foot) inflatable duck suddenly collapsed on Tuesday, only 11 days after it had been put on display in the port at Keelung. 
Organisers are unsure as to the cause of its demise, but one theory is that it was attacked by eagles.

After the week of heavy rainfall in southern China, the new replacement duck took another hit of bad luck as it dislodged from its 10-ton metal platform and was washed away.

The coordinator of the duck exhibit, Yan Jianxin, to the Wall Street Journal:

"The duck flopped over and was flushed away really quickly by the torrential flood. It disappeared right in front of me in several seconds."

As for now, the wild duck hunt has began.  Local radio stations are spreading the description of the duck and urging listeners to call in with any sightings of the art gone wild.  Description: giant, yellow, is a duck.


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Criminal Steals Then Selfies Right Into Jail

Criminals, while there might not necessarily be rules for how you should commit your crimes, there are definitely guidelines you should follow.  For instance, when you commit a crime, you should at least consider not posting about your crime on the social networking site that everyone visits multiple times a day.

WSIL-TV reports via the Associated Press, that 27-year-old Danielle Saxton was arrested by West Frankfort, Illinois police on misdemeanor retail theft charges.  Saxton stole a dress and some other clothing and jewelry, from a West Frankfort boutique.  Then she posted selfies on Facebook while wearing the dress just hours later.  Danielle Saxton is not what you would call a master criminal.

Look at my new dress! LOL! #fivefingerdiscount


Since Facebook is the place where everybody goes to express themselves, store owner Kert Williams also took to the social network to post about the theft after checking the security cameras.  He included images of the missing dress, and sure enough, Facebook users led him to Saxton.  Police Chief Shawn Talluto to WSIL-TV:

"We just had a description and a direction of travel, but when the social media aspect played into it, we were able to identify who it was. And by looking at the background of the photograph we were able to pinpoint where she was at."

According to the police, Saxton had the clothes in her hand when the officers arrived.  Again, not a master thief.  Also, after arresting her, they found that (surprise!) she had another warrant in Jackson county.  As for the role social media had in the case, Talluto commented:

"When you put something out there, it's a matter of minutes before it can go viral, and it can go to the world."

Word.


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Sunday, July 20, 2014

Funday: You Had Your Shot, Now Gimme Mine

So let me paint the scene for you: Saturday night, and I am working on Funday like I do every week.  Trying yet again (and failing) to find inspiration for a good intro whilst like a genuine American, I watch the Rocky marathon on television.  Then, promptly at 8pm, it hits me, right when the title montage of Rocky III hits my eyeballs.

It's time people, to settle things.  To proclaim the greatest Rocky villain of all time.  Clubber Lang.

Fuck a Drago.

Blasphemy you say?  You are out of your mind you say?  To that I retort: FUCKING WRONG.

To begin to explain we have to set the scene for Rocky III.  Rocky has finally beaten the incredible odds stacked against him.  Through the power of his will and heart alone, along with a sweet nickname, the Italian Stallion is the genuiiine CHAMPINE OF THE WORLD!  Beating the absolute hardass and impeccable mustache wearer Apollo Creed in the previous film.

So what happens to ol' Rock now that he has it all?  He becomes like every other person who has made it, he forgets everything about what got him there.  Rocky is no longer talking to turtles and trying to woo the exceedingly hot pet shop worker.  He now bangs the hot pet shop worker every night inside of his mansion at night, and spends his days making the GQ cover and appearing on The Muppets.  When he does enter the ring, he is getting stomped in charity matches against Hulkamania.  (Technically "Thunderlips" but it is just Hogan.)

Rocky has lost his edge, he has everything he could ever want, and boxing is in his rear view.

Enter The Clubber.

Lang is the number one contender in the world, a unorthodox fighter with a mohawk and an attitude.  He is everything that Rocky was, and on top of that he has a sweet mohawk and feather earring.  Whilst Rocky spends his days rubbing elbows with Kermit, Land spends his days waking hour punching a duct-taped heavy bag in a dirty basement.  Then he spends his nights suffering no fools, demolishing people in the ring, with Mick at ringside watching all the while.

All he wants is the title, his entire existence is to own the title.  He wants Balboa, he needs Balboa.  When he finally gets to see Rocky in the streets, we get perhaps the greatest verbal thrashing in movie history:




DON'T GIVE THIS SUCKA NO STATUE, GIVE HIM GUTS!

Did you see that?  In a few short minutes Clubber Lang just took over this whole movie.  And the best part?  Everything he said, short of the insults, is completely true.  The world doesn't want to see a champion like him, who doesn't need the adoration that Rocky loves to revel in,  Rocky has been ducking him, he is the number one contender, and he does deserve his shot.  He probably could show Adrian a pretty good time.  He would show her his heavy bag and chin-up bar, or something.  Hell, he even has a better nickname than Rocky (Southside Slugger is the ultimate.)

Here's my heavy bag, and over here is the picture of your husband that I yell at....

His retirement deprives Clubber of everything he had been working for.

So what does ol' Rock do?  He grants the match, he is supposed to rise to the challenge, he is the hero.  But what happens next is even more telling of how badass Clubber Lang is.  Right when Rocky takes the fight, Mick his most trusted confidant and supporter bails on it.  The man that is the closest thing to the personification of a real life Popeye doesn't want anything to do with Clubber.  Rocky isn't ready for him, and Mick knows it.

I drink whiskey for every meal Rock, and this guy scares me!

So what happens?  Rocky convinces Mick to stay the course, and proceeds to train just like he is living his life: real easy.  He rents out a theatre and sashays for the adoring press.  Meanwhile Clubber is doing arm dips in that basement without any lights on.

Cut to the match, and can you guess what happens?  Clubber demolishes Rocky, becoming the champ, but not before delivering another incredible verbal beat down.  This time to Carl Weathers.





COME ON CREEEED!

Did you see that?!?  The way he practically hisses at Apollo, slapping his hands away.  Apollo was dethroned by Rocky, which in Clubber's eyes means he is completely irrelevant, and again, he is right.

As for the rest of the movie, it plays out how you would imagine: Rocky returns to his roots and comes back to win.  Which leads me to my final point: Clubber was screwed.

Anybody who watches boxing knows that two matches which end in a win for both competitors immediately calls for a rubber match, to determine by best of three who is really the greatest.  Once again Clubber never gets his shot, which could have made for another great film in my potential alternative universe Rocky IV script.  (Which would benefit everyone as it would push Rocky vs. Drago to Rocky V, thereby erasing the cinema fart that is the actual Rocky V.)

So pour one out for the Southside Slugger, the baddest of them all.

Sounds

Juicy J f/ A$AP Rocky

Last year Juicy offered a $50,000 scholarship for twerking, and then gave it to a girl who refused to twerk for her money.  This year he has a new music video for "Scholarship" which is about paying strippers' tuition money.  It's kind of a theme for him!  Juicy enlists ASAP Rocky in a pretty atmospheric video that is much more effective than shooting in front of a green screen in a studio.  Take notes other music videos.






The Afghan Whigs

I have two words to describe this song/video: SUPER FUNKY.  Okay, I have more to say about it.  Besides being equally slick and funktastic, this is a moving tribute to all the awesome people who dance for change on the subway.   What a great idea for a video, and what skills.







PARTYNEXTDOOR f/ Drake

PND continues the campaign to be the next version of The Weeknd, only this time with more traditional catchy song structures, and way less d-baginess.  Despite not even putting out nearly half the material as his fellow Canadian hitmaker, I am in, full throttle on this one.  How can you not dig on the "Sorry my whip smells like dank, but I been rolling with skunk all day" line?  Who else as well has the charisma to break mid-song into a Migos ripoff flow (like so many other rappers jack) and get away with it?  Not too many other folks.






alt-J

Here is a good tip to find out if the music video you are about to watch is gonna be great.  Scroll through it until you find the credits and see if it says "Directed by Nabil."  If it does, then you are in for a treat, regardless of subject matter.  This time Nabil does his own take on The Hunger Games set to the incredibly atmospheric alt-J soundtrack.  I am very glad Nabil has a take on The Hunger Games.







Merchandise

I used to think Merchandise was a total joke.  That they spent more time practicing their sunglasses wearing pouty face poses in the mirror than working on their crappy pop music.  Well, I am here to say that Merchandise has gotten their shit together.  This is the kind of song that would be on heavy rotation at dance goth nights if they still existed.  (Do they still exist?)






Perfume Genius

Not to end this section on a serious note, but I just had to.  An absolutely surreal and devastating video.  Mike Hadreas has levels of screen presence that should shame almost anyone in the Indie music scene.






Sights

Madden Rookies

What happens when you take the newest draft class of rookies and ask them what their Madden ratings will be in the new game?  A whole bunch of over-exaggeration. Congratulations EA Sports, you just made the best Madden commercial you have made in years.  Also, WHO DEY!






Acoustic True Detective

Band The Handsome Family play an acoustic version of their song "Far From Any Road" from perhaps the best television intro sequence ever, that of True Detective.  While it lacks any vocals, it still manages to be awesome.






Shoe to The Face

Not tying your shoe so that it smashes the face of the man keeping you alive while skydiving, not a good look.  Catching the shoe though, totally redeems you.  






Forest Man

Don't think that you as one person can do anything to impact the environment positively?  WRONG.  One man and 30 years planted a forest bigger than Central Park.  What do you have to say now?






Bonus Clip






That's it, get on out there and "Clubber" your week folks.  See you next Funday.


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Friday, July 18, 2014

There Is Really Going To Be A New Doom Game

Break out your BFG's people, because it is actually going to happen.  Put away your rumors of cancellations, stories of development purgatory.  Doom 4 is a reality people, and it only took us 7 years to find out.

Hey, that still beats Duke Nukem!

Yesterday at QuakeCon, id Software made everyone's dreams come true as they showed off gameplay of the next installment in one of the oldest and most popular video game series of all time.  After teasing the game this past June at E3, with a rather simple trailer that didn't show much, the company pulled out all the stops for the convention.

The new game, simply titled Doom, has been a long time coming, initially being mentioned way back in 2007 by John Carmack, id co-founder and then lead designer for the company.  However, the years passed with no word of the title, and the recent departure of Carmack from the company to many signaled that "Doom 4" might not ever see the light of day.

Not true, according to executive producer Marty Stratton, who took the stage before the 20 minute demo to explain the philosophy of the new Doom entry.  It is not a sequel (hence the dropping of the 4 from the title) but a reimagining of the original game, focusing on faced paced gameplay and the sense of power brought by the classic original Doom.

While no recording was allowed during the demo, here are some details from it which will make Doom fans quite excited:
  • Fast-paced combat against multiple enemies at once - Doom 3 this ain't.
  • Set outside a massive UAC research facility on Mars as it's being invaded by the forces of Hell.
  • Hellknights, cyberdemons, revenants, mancubii, and other classic monsters were spotted throughout the demo.
  • Classic Doom weapons, including the fan-favorite double-barrell shotgun return. Plasma rifle, rocket launcher, and the good old chainsaw were also shown off.
  • Go fast. "Doom is not about about taking cover" said executive producer Marty Stratton.
  • Doom is powered by IdTech 6, and will be for PC, PS4, and Xbox One. They are "committed" to 1080P at 60 frames-per-second.
  • Wonderfully gory close range executions, including special ones for dropping down on enemies from above.
  • Revenants now have jetpacks and can hover about while firing rockets at you.
  • At least one weapon, the combat shotgun, has an alternate fire mode, which allows you to charge up and release multiple shells in rapid succession.
  • Sprinting, double-jumping and mantling are all possible, making for very fluid motion during combat.
  • Enemies can teleport in for old-school style ambushes
  • Dying results in a crazy fatality scene depending on what killed you a la Dead Space. Revenants rip your arms off and punch straight through your combat helment.
  • Old school mechanics. No reloading your clip, hold as many weapons as you want, health and ammo pick-ups etc. NO REGENERATING HEALTH.
While there was no talk of a release date, the gameplay proved to be a crowd pleaser, and solidified that one of gaming's most storied franchises isn't going anywhere soon.  Look for the inevitable leaking of the footage soon (hey, it is the internet after all).  Until then here is the E3 trailer:





We're back baby.


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Thursday, July 17, 2014

Two Millennials Stole a $10,000 Replica Baby Dinosaur

Oh Millennials, when they aren't buried face deep in their phones Snap-Chatting pictures of their butts to each other, they apparently enjoy a life of crime that would make Lupin jealous.

The only museum heists around here will be done by ME!

That's why North Carolina police are on the hunt for two twentysomethings with a penchant for fake baby dinosaurs.  Caught on security camera, the two can be seen snatching a $10,000 Edmontosaurus hatchling replica from the North Carolina Museum of Natural Sciences in Raleigh.  They shove the dino in a bag and take off.



Local news WRAL has a description of the pair of thieves, who are apparently a couple:

The man, believed to be in his 20s, has light brown hair and is about 5 feet 7 inches tall. He was wearing a dark gray T-shirt, white shorts with gray or green stripes and black and white sneakers. The woman, also believed to be in her 20s, has brown hair, is about 5 feet 6 inches tall and was wearing a pink shirt, blue shorts and ankle-high boots.

The two seem to make a habit of museum heists:  They were also caught on camera again stealing $1,000 worth of loot from the North Carolina Museum of History, which is conveniently connected next door to the North Carolina Museum of Natural Sciences.



So they enjoy the life of big time thieves, just without any of the skill, or disguises, or ability to avoid detection.  Seems like they are gonna be real successful.  Surprised they didn't take a pre/post crime selfie.


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Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Manuel Noriega Wants To Sue The Makers of Call of Duty

Manuel Noriega, yes that Manuel Noriega, the former Panamanian dictator, subject of numerous rap songs, and generally not nice guy is suing Activision (the makers of Call of Duty).  He is unhappy with his depiction in the company's installment of the popular series Call of Duty: Black Ops II.  

In other news, the world we live in is absolutely ridiculous and certainly insane.

Welcome to 2014.

The video game version of Noriega appears in a mission called "Suffer With Me" both as an in-game character, and in news clippings.  Courthouse News Service reports that Noriega, who of course is currently serving a prison sentence for the heinous crimes he committed in his reign as dictator, is suing Activision, one of the biggest game companies in the world, for "blatant misuse, unlawful exploitation, and misappropriation for economic gain."

The filing claims that Noriega, the plaintiff in the suit, is portrayed "as a kidnapper, murderer and enemy of the state. An objective of one portion of 'Black Ops II' is solely to capture plaintiff."

In the game, the characters refer to the man as a "piece of shit," "asshole," and "old pineapple face himself, Manuel Noriega."

Harsh...but to be fair...so was he.

The lawsuit also claims that Activision's use of Noriega in the game "caused damage" to him and created "the false impression that defendants are authorized to use plaintiff's image and likeness. This caused plaintiffs to receive profits they would not have otherwise received."

"Defendants deliberately and systematically misappropriated plaintiff's likeness to increase revenues and royalties, at the expense of plaintiff and without the consent of plaintiff," the suit continues.


Come on Noriega, did nobody tell you that it is 2014 now?  Nobody plays Black Ops anymore, they all want Kevin Spacey now.




To be fair though, they probably don't keep you up on video games releases in Panamanian prison.


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TSA Agent Unaware The "District of Columbia" Is Part of The United States

The Transportation Security Administration is giving all of it's agents in Orlando a new refresher course.  The topic of study?  What a District of Columbia, you know, the area where our nation's capital is located, driver's license looks like.

This refresher is usually not given out, but it is now necessary after one agent refused to recognize one of them as a valid ID.

What is that?  Part of South America?

D.C. based reporter Justin Gray, who works for Cox Media Group, says the agent at a checkpoint inside Orlando International Airport, didn't recognize his ID.  Instead they asked for his passport.  However, since he was, to most of us, clearly traveling within the country, he didn't have it.

Gray to Orlando ABC affiliate WFTV:

"At that point, I was a little confused, but then I realized what was going on.  I said to him, 'Do you not know what the District of Columbia is? Washington, D.C.?' After some back and forth, it became clear he didn't."

Eventually, Gray got through the checkpoint by escalating the problem to a supervisor, who indeed was familiar with the "mysterious" area known as "D.C."



After Gray tweeted about the problem, a spokesperson contacted him about the problem and said, "Officers are trained to identify fraudulent documents, which can potentially deter and detect individuals attempting to circumvent this layer of security."

Well, now in Orlando (hopefully) the just might also be trained to identify valid documents.


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Tuesday, July 15, 2014

You Know You Want Weird Al's Robin Thicke Parody Video

Weird Al is today releasing his latest album, surrounded by a surprising amount of Internet buzz.  Suddenly it is 1995 all over again, but this time with better video bitrate, and unfortunately much less facial hair.

It was a good look.

To celebrate the release of Mandatory Fun, Al has taken his intelligent brand of spoofism to the people where for eight days straight (starting yesterday) he will release a brand new video to a song off the album.

Today, he releases his version of current joke of the hour Robin Thicke's incredibly popular song "Blurred Lines."  Although this time, the song won't be a incredibly creepy and mysoginist anthem, but in the Weird Al signature, a tribute to grammer, entitled "Word Crimes."

As for the video, the naked models, and ridiculous balloons commenting on the size of Thicke's manhood are replaced with sexy punctuation.  The awkward possessiveness with possessives.

It will make you smile, which is all Weird Al has ever tried to do.  Check it out below to see that after all these years, Al is still quite the cunning linguist:




As for the first video of the series, Al went for the best possible parody candidate: Pharrell's mega-hit "Happy." It's got an addictive hook, a simple theme, and Al only needed to rhyme one word to make it work. Voilá: "Tacky" is born.


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Comics Archie Dies Saving His Gay Friend in Mall Shooting

Archie Andrews, remember him?  The star of the comic you probably read at some point in your young childhood.  The one where he is perpetually involved in a love triangle with Betty and Veronica?  Well, I have some bad news for your childhood memories, because as of tomorrow Archie is gonna die.

"Why oh why couldn't it be Jughead?!?"

Yes, in the new issue of Life With Archie hitting newsstands tomorrow, the titular character is gonna bite the big one.

From Badass-Digest:


Archie Andrews will be killed when he takes a bullet intended for his good friend Kevin Keller. Keller is a Mid-East war vet who is openly gay (the first openly gay Archie character) and who is running for office in the wake of his husband's death in a mall shooting rampage.

"We wanted to do something that was impactful that would really resonate with the world and bring home just how important Archie is to everyone," Archie Comics publisher and co-CEO Jon Goldwater said in a statement. "That's how we came up with the storyline of saving Kevin. He could have saved Betty. He could have saved Veronica. We get that, but metaphorically, by saving Kevin, a new Riverdale is born."

However, don't fret just yet that the lovable stand-up guy will be gone forever, because if you have ever known comics then you know comics have their own logic with this sort of thing.  From Vulture:

But while that death will close out that specific series, Archie is actually still alive in the Archie series set in the present day. (Life With Archie is set in the past, where each comic includes a story of Archie with Veronica and Archie with Betty. This ultimate ending will be the same for both.)

Pour one out Betty and Veronica.


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Monday, July 14, 2014

Watch The World's Greatest Peter Griffin Impersonator Do His Thing

The world is a massive place, and at times it seems there are limitless possibilities for what can and will happen.  However, this writer is gonna go out on a limb and proclaim that the man you will see below is unequivocally the world's best impersonator of Peter Griffin, the fictional paterfamilias of Fox's inexplicably popular animated series Family Guy.


Actual photo of impersonator.

Over the weekend he made a wrong turn on the way to Quahog and turned up at a costume contest for an Allentown, Pennsylvania Comic Con.  Once he was there, he thought he might as well warm up the crowd by telling a couple of jokes.  The magic part?  Not only does he have the look down, a feat no doubt accomplished my many portly american men with astigmatism, but he absolutely nails the voice.  Together, that makes for a pretty convincing Peter.

Check out the video below, the best part is when he as Peter laughs at his own jokes.  Also, it wouldn't be a Peter Griffin standup if he doesn't tell you about the bird.  You have heard about the bird?  Right?




Robert Franzese, the actual human man behind the masterful Peter, has been playing the head of the Griffin clan, Real Life Peter Griffin, at conventions since 2012.  Also, for you wrestling fans out there, he does a pretty good Sgt. Slaughter.  And like all great chameleons, his voice: Nothing like his characters.

Family Guy still sucks though.


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Pot Farmer Actually Named Smoke Responsible For Wildfire

Sometimes, every so often, the swirling maw of information that is the Internet comes together and produces a story so wonderful that it seems the headline is all you need.  This particular story as you can see being that you most likely already read the headline, is one of those.  

However, this one is so good it needs a little bit more of explanation.

A twenty-seven-year-old man has been named as the cause of a large wildfire that has burned six miles of land in Northern California.  According to the California Department of Fire and Forestry Protection, the man, Freddie Alexander Smoke (yep.) III was driving a pickup around an illegal marijuana farm.  The exhaust from the pickup lit a patch of dry grass (which kind?) and thus the fire was started.

You could say I was born to do what I do.

The fire though, is no joke.  It has been burning since Friday and firefighters are as of yet unable to keep it in control.  From the Associated Press:

The so-called Bully fire has since grown to 3,700 acres and destroyed six structures, CalFire officials said. The blaze, which is burning in steep terrain, was just 10 percent contained Sunday morning. 
More than 1,000 firefighters, aided by aircraft, are battling the blaze in hot, dry conditions. 
The wildfire had prompted evacuations and road closures, but CalFire said all residents have been allowed to return home and all roads have been open to them.

Frankly, it could have had a much better name given the circumstances.  Perhaps the Kalifornia Kush wildfire, or Bahama Blaze, you get the picture.

According to Reuters, the fire has already caused $1 million in damages.  Smoke (never gets old) has been arrested by police for recklessly starting a fire and illegal marijuana cultivation charges.  Both of which are a felony.  Police also seized around 180 marijuana plants from the site where Smoke was working.  After all, a high firefighter is not a productive firefighter.



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Beach Hailstorm Looks Like Beginning of The Apocalypse

The good people of Novosibirisk, Siberia were enjoying themselves on a day at the beach when out of nowhere things turned into something straight out of an end of the world disaster movie.  The beach and weather seemed perfect for lounging and swimming at first, a very warm 99F (37C), then things got crazy.

OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!

Also, since it is 2014, the whole event was caught on video of course.  Props to whoever was being pelted while filming for posterity's sake.

Check it out below:





As for the beach goers, their day was pretty much ruined, and in a few seconds went from lazy enjoyment to abject horror.  With people running for their lives for shelter from the relentless pelting of ice.  According to The Siberian Times, a woman's voice is heard saying in the video, "if we die, I love you."  You cannot really blame her can you?

Another one told the paper that her "husband was protecting our my young daughter but his back was exposed to the hailstones and he has bruising all over it."


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