Monday, June 30, 2014

You Can Own A Town In South Dakota For $400,000

Have $400,000 and an urge to be a boss of something?  Well, you are in luck, because you could own your own town.  Sure, it might only have a population of three trailers and one house, and be unfortunately named "Swett," and be in South Dakota.  But hey, it also comes with a workshop, and a bar!

If you are in the market for complete town ownership, you cannot beat this price.

All this could be yours...

The town is currently owned by one man, the enterprising Lance Benson.  Benson is willing to relinquish his town though, so that he can focus on his other business in traveling concessions.

As for potential growth opportunity, the town of Swett wasn't always a tiny town.  Swett has shrunk though over the years, as many residents moved to more urban areas.

Like many rural towns in America, Swett has shrunk dramatically over the past century as its inhabitants migrated to urban centers. Once a town of about 40 people in the 1940s — with a post office, a few houses, and a grocery store — the town now stands as little more than a few ramshackle buildings along U.S. Highway 18.

 The official population of the town currently is two people: Benson and his new wife.  The Sweet Tavern is the beating heart of the area, offering refreshing suds to rogue cowboys and a little added Western charm.

So think about it, one house and one bar, $400,000, and you even get to choose the tagline for the town.  Here are a couple free of charge, feel free to use them if you buy Swett:


  1. Come on down to Swett, where we all like to get a little Swetty!
  2. Something, something, blah blah blood, Swet and tears!

Enjoy!


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Woman Given Free Weed With Sonic Meal, Somehow Complains

The number one rule of receiving free weed is that you keep the weed.  Even if you don't enjoy weed, in fact especially if you don't.  Odds are you know someone who does, and this person would be happy to receive it.  Giving you a free IOU in the process, and making you cool.

Carla McFarland of Frederick, Maryland, was not privy to this rule when she ordered food from the local fast food chain Sonic, and in her bag received a free bag of weed.  She did not keep it, she complained to the manager and then called the police.

We were just running a "special!"

From the Frederick-News Post:


"I just kind of sat there in my car in shock," McFarland said Thursday. "I kept thinking, what if my kids had eaten it?"

The simple answer to that is that if your kids ate the weed, then clearly they have no understanding of weed, and thus are confirmed as probably being pretty good kids.

The manager at Sonic told McFarland that an employee said the drugs must have fallen out of their apron while they were serving the customer.  That employee has since been fired.

McFarland was still not pleased.  Again to the Frederick-News Post:

"I think that's why everyone thinks it's so funny, because it's marijuana and it's going to be legalized," she said. "It could have been crack. It could have been cocaine in that little baggie."

Now to her credit, that could have happened.  Cocaine looks much like powdered sugar, so there's that.


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Sunday, June 29, 2014

Funday: USA! USA! USA!

Fuck what you heard! USA is in the house!

No thanks to me by the way.  You see, last Funday, I took the easy way out.  I clowned on the USA soccer team, because it was easy.  But now I have been shamed, because turns out, they were so good that even when they got beat by Germany, they still move on...because soccer rules.  Or should I say socccer RULEZZZ!  Well, also with a little help from this dude too:

'ppreciate it brah.

Now, this upcoming Tuesday, we have the chance to lay a smackdown on Belgium, which everybody knows is the armpit of Europe.  The timing couldn't be more perfect either, because the most America of holidays, (besides Thanksgiving) The Fourth, is right around the corner.  So if we win, it will be socially acceptable to wear ridiculous red, white, and blue outfits from Tuesday through Saturday without being judged by anyone.

Preferably something like this.

That is not only an added freedom of not having to worry about what you are wearing, but also saves on laundry.  So, its a win-win.

So get your best U-S-A chant on deck, buy some fireworks, and go punch a Belgian, it's our time to show the world that North America is good at everything, if you give us enough time.

USA!

Sounds

Diplo, Steve Aoki, & Deorro (NSFW-ish)


The stance on this blog regarding Diplo: IT IS VERY PRO DIPLO.  That's why it was exciting to hear that the aforementioned producer/Riff Raff supporter/guy who makes you shake your butt would be doing a new compilation called Random White Dude Be Everywhere (Diplo is also good at naming things).  The first single is a straight electro banger with a couple notable guests.  As for the video, a fun bit of subversion that is more than a little predictable.  There's no nudity, but it is not something you would want your boss to notice over your shoulder, you've been warned. 






Lil Herb


It has been over a year now since Chicago was put on the radar of the rap world in a big way thanks to one dreadlocked youth who you have probably heard of.  Since then the city has been churning out exciting and energetic new artists, almost as if the many youths who are forced to live in such a dangerous place finally found their way out.  Oh, and they also happen to be talented as hell, like Lil Herb, one of the new class of Chi-raq, who earlier this year put out one of the best mixtapes so far in 2014 called Welcome to Fazoland (download it, now).  Here he is with a chorus free video to let you know that he can rap, just in case you didn't know/forgot.






Pink Mountaintops


This is a video about punks doing rad stuff, so naturally it makes the cut.  However, the real reason for inclusion can be summed up in two words: Flaming skateboard.  Sure there is a good song, and also a semblance of plot, but you get to see someone grind and leave a trail of flames behind him.  So, this was a no-brainer.



Riff Raff


Just in case your life sucks and you didn't know, the debut album from the Dean of the Triple Beam, the Magna Cum Laude of Versace Junior College, Jody Highroller, was blessed on us all in a magical Gucci release last week.  It is ridiculous, and is doing well sales wise, which means I don't have to worry about my favorite person on the internet going anywhere.  Now, Riff knows you may have missed the release, it's cool, you might have been busy.  So to make sure you get it, he released an video for the album's ridiculous intro.  Although it does not include the hilarious skit that precedes it (you'll have to get the album for that) it does feature both a Bill Cosby and Julia Styles reference in the first 45 seconds.  It has been a good week.






Sights

Use Math To Choose A Toilet


It is summer, which means if you decide to leave the safety for your house, odds are it might be to go to a festival type of atmosphere.  Subsequently, if you do this, the beer and terrible food you consume will necessitate a trip to the dreaded portable toilet.  However, do not fear, because if you but harness the power of mathematics, you can ensure your pooping is done in relative comfort.  Trust me, your dignity will thank you.






Simultaneous Transformers


Speaking of summer, that means that it is the time of the year where Hollywood asshole Michael Bay shits out another 2 hours of explosions and somehow calls it a movie.  This time it is the fourth, fourth Transformers movie, and let me tell you something.  I like a lot of dumb stuff: comics, metal, video games, sports, but even I don't like Transformers.  Transformers are stupid, and cosmically so when in the hands of Bay.  That's why I must give any and all props to the good men of Half in The Bag, as in preparation for the fourth film, they watch all three previous Transformers movies...simultaneously.  Seriously doing god's work here.






How To Make A Hit Pop Song


Move over Jason Derulo, because Brett Domino has you figured out.  Now any ol' Joe can hit the charts by simply following your style, and being able to play a few notes on an oboe of course.  So when you are relaxing on your millions, don't forget to shout out Brett, because brother/sister, he made you.






The Baddest


When you are mentioned along with Spencer Haywood, while also being shouted out by Chris Mullin...that's when you know you are bad.






I Dare You To Watch This


You can't do it can you.  You cannot put your phone down or keep your hands still long enough.  I knew you couldn't do it.  Your brain is too fucked from all this instant gratification.  Don't worry, nobody expected you to do it, but if you could, you might have been able to be motivated.  To take hold of your time.  If only...






Well, that would be all for this week folks, but HOLD ON A SECOND, NEW BONUS FEATURE.  Yes, Funday is getting a permanent addition starting this week.  

Now, at the end of every installment, there will be one clip that defies classification, that further convinces you how incredible the Internet can be.  I am talking about weird shit.  

It will appear at the bottom of every Funday, so that you may conveniently scroll on down and get a concentrated dose of Internet to jump start your week.  These clips will appear without description, without bias.  Take them how you will, and by that I mean, all up in your eyeballs.

Here we go:

Bonus Clip





Now that's some good Internet.  Till next week.

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Friday, June 27, 2014

AOTW: Don't Drive A Ferrari If You Are An Idiot

Ferraris are not colloquially described as "supercars" just for fun.  They are built from the ground up for performance, and their exorbitant pricetags do reflect the prestige of the brand, but they also reflect the insane amount of power provided by the four-wheeled vehicles.  Power that, frankly, most people cannot and should not handle.  A Ferrari driven by a professional is something impressive, a display of both engineering and skill.  A Ferrari in the hands of an incapable pair of morons, well, is more than often a waste.


Hundreds of thousands of dollars of waste.

 Even when those people are mechanics, who should understand the type of vehicle they are dealing with.  However if those people are assholes, then the odds are that much will be destroyed.  Like one Ferrari Enzo, a 600 horsepower supercar that retails for about $600,000.

This is what happened when two technicians from Miller Motorcars, Leonardo Garcia and Daniel Palchik respectively, decided to take out the Enzo a car capable of doing 218 m.p.h., onto Interstate-95 in Stamford, Connecticut.  Then they crashed it, well, totaled it by hitting a wall.  

Also, it was not their car.  The car belonged to local bedding magnate and inappropriately surnamed, Michael Fux.  Who may or may not have given them permission.  

At first it was unclear whether the crash was due to mechanical failure, an evasive maneuver, or even an animal.  Turns out it was just caused by plain old idiocy.  

You see there was a witness to the accident, actually less of a witness and more of an unwilling participant named John Michael Hoda.  When the Enzo hit the wall of I-95, the spray of destroyed carbon fiber bodywork hit his Lexus as he drove by, scratching up his hood.  As the Enzo, one of only 399 ever made, skidded along the barrier, Hoda pulled over.

Then he ran across the highway and pulled the two out of the wreckage.

Hoda described his view of the whole scene as such: As he was heading in the opposite direction on I-95, he heard hearing a loud "WHOOM" from the Enzo's V12 as it soared up the rev range and attempted an overtaking maneuver. The car completely spun out, travelled across the entire roadway, and slammed, backwards, into the barrier.

Good thing we kept the plastic on the seats...


At one point, the rear tires actually left the ground from the impact.

"It wasn't just a possibility that they weren't driving at normal speeds," Hoda said. "I had a clear view of what happened."  When asked if he thought they intentionally sped up, "Oh yeah, they floored it."

Traffic was moving at approximately 60 MPH, Hoda added, and based on what he saw and the skid marks the car left behind, he estimated that it had to be going at least double that.

If Hoda seems like he is pretty good at this whole thing, that's probably because he is.  In fact, it is part of his job.  See, Hoda works for Davis Investigations, a private detective firm that is pretty good at figuring this kind of stuff out.

Incredibly, the driver Garcia was somehow only given a ticket for "failing to drive in an established lane" by the Connecticut State Police.  No one would state on record whether they had permission to use the car.

Well fellas, you may have gotten off with a ticket, but not without winning this week's Asshole of The Week.  Congratulations, and fuck you very much.


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Bear Literally Crashes Birthday Party, Eats Cupcakes

Bears, they always gotta be the center of attention.  Even when a young kid is just trying to have a birthday party.  It's always, "stomach first, feelings later" kind of mentality, as was demonstrated when one hungry bear fell through a skylight right into the party.  Then it ate all the cupcakes.

Come on!

This all took place in Alaska, of course.

Homeowner Glenn Merrill explains:

"I was literally in the [living] room, and I heard this cracking. And the next thing you know, there's this bear that, I mean, literally, fell right from [the skylight]. It was like one meter away from me."

Believe it or not, this kind of thing can happen to houses surrounded by trees.  It goes down like this: Bear climbs tree, bear sees cupcakes, bear becomes terrifying dive bomb, cupcakes are eaten.

Further proof from the wildlife coordinator Ryan Scott who arrived on the scene:

"Bears are extremely curious and will stake out any source of food they can find.  There probably isn't a neighborhood or place where we have homes where the potential isn't there for you to run into a bear or observe a bear. There is really no place where the potential isn't there."

If you live in Alaska that is.

As for the fate of the bear, hope it liked cupcakes, because according to Reuters, that was it's last meal.  It was "destroyed" shortly after.  Which is just a cold-blooded way of saying "we killed it."

R.I.P. bear.


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Thursday, June 26, 2014

Scientists May Have Just Found The World's Oldest Poop

What a discovery!

Scientists digging around a Neanderthal campfire site in Spain called El Salt, may have discovered what they believe could be the oldest human poop.  Presumably when one scientist dug a little too carelessly and then became the brunt of many jokes.


Shitting right by their campfire...no wonder they died out.

This isn't any old feces though, because other than it being really, really, old, analysis of the waste may shed some new light onto the actual diet of the ancient Neanderthals.  The analysis, published this week in the scientific journal PLOS One, indicates that Neanderthals may have enjoyed not a purely carnivorous diet as believed, but could have been omnivorous.

The poop itself, as reported by USA Today, is 50,000 years old.  So far the definite oldest waste.

The poop samples come from rock layers dated to roughly 50,000 years ago. That's far older than other ancient wastes, such as those found at Turkey's Catalhöyük, one of the world's earliest large villages, dating back 6,000 to 7,000 years, and what might be 14,000-year-old human coprolites at a cave in Oregon.

The age is not being debated, what is interesting about the waste is the discovery that the gastronomical habits of the ancient humans did not limit them to meat.

If the discovery is truly a prehistoric latrine – a claim that has provoked skepticism among other researchers – it contradicts the pop-culture image of Neanderthals as hunters who subsisted on hunks of flesh. Two of the new poop samples contain the chemical footprints of both meat and plant consumption, providing the earliest known evidence that humans were omnivores who ate significant quantities of plant-based food.

But they might not even be plants. Maybe. Ainara Sistiaga, an organic chemistry and Paleolithic archaeology researcher at MIT and the lead author of the study, told the Los Angeles Timesthat what they identified as plants in the feces may have come from Neanderthals eating the stomachs of other animals that do eat plants. Though she remains optimistic.

Or it could not be human shit at all...analyzing old stuff is hard:

Other researchers call the new study intriguing but far from airtight. The compounds measured by Sistiaga and her colleagues have probably degraded over time, making them unreliable as indicators of human feces, says Michael Richards of the University of British Columbia. The study does not rule out bears, which are also omnivorous, as the source of the coprolites, says Hervé Bocherens of the University of Tübingen in Germany.

Now is the part where you smirk at the idea of many smart people debating and studying poop.  Then realize that it actually is interesting.  Science!


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North Korea Declares Franco and Rogen's New Film "An Act of War"

Last we heard of North Korea's opinion on the new film The Interview starring James Franco and Seth Rogen, friend-of-the-regime Kim Myong-chol said that it showed "the desperation of the US government and American society."  They weren't too happy that it is a comedy that depicts their "Dear Leader" being the target of an assassination.  Kim Jong-un isn't enthused, which is surprising that he doesn't have a sense of humor, given his haircut.

I hold in my hand the list of things that I approve of.  It is short.

Today, the country doubled down on their dislike for the film, giving a much more strongly worded review.

A spokesman for the country's foreign ministry said that releasing the film would be "an act of war" on the part of the U.S.  The spokesman also claimed that the DPRK would take "stern" and "merciless" retaliation if it is not banned, the Associated Press reports.  Now that's the North Korea we all know.

From the unnamed spokesman's statement:
In a statement carried by North Korea's official KCNA news agency, a foreign ministry spokesman said the film was the work of "gangster moviemakers" and should never be shown. 
"The act of making and screening such a movie that portrays an attack on our top leadership... is a most wanton act of terror and act of war, and is absolutely intolerable," the spokesman said. 
In his statement, he called on the US administration to ban the film from being screened and warned that failure to do so would trigger a "resolute and merciless response."

I really hope nobody in the DPRK sees this anytime soon:




Then they will be really mad.

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Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Somebody Paid $2 Million For A Bob Dylan Song Draft

Yesterday at rich people's eBay, AKA Sotheby's auction house, somebody bought a handwritten manuscript of Bob Dylan's "Like A Rolling Stone" for $2.045 million.  This confirms that Bob Dylan fans are much like first year NBA rookies, they have lot's of money, and are totally gonna spend it on bullshit.

Is there a Bob Dylan Ferrari?  

The early draft of the lyrics, which are written on stationary from the Roger Smith Hotel in Washington, was described by Sotheby's as "the only known surviving draft of the final lyrics of this transformative rock anthem."  Sotheby's needs to hire a new person to write descriptions.

As reported by Rolling Stone, the draft is full of ancillary details that only a rich, obsessive doofus Dylan fan would want to know.  Bonus, it also has doodles!

Still, the sheets do feature some lyrics that didn't make the final cut, including the phrase, "…dry vermouth/You'll tell the truth" and an abandoned line about Al Capone. The lyrics also show Dylan's various attempts to build a rhyme off of the "How does it feel" line with phrases like, "it feels real," "does it feel real," "get down and kneel," "raw deal" and "shut up and deal." The draft — written at the Roger Smith Hotel in Washington D.C. — also boasts some of Dylan's stray thoughts and doodles.

What does Dylan doodle?  That's the real question?  (Hopefully caricatures of his own face with increasingly ridiculous hair.)

The lyrics were apparently put up for auction by a man Sotheby's describes as having "met his hero in a non-rock context and bought [the lyrics] directly from Dylan.”

A draft of the lyrics to "A Hard Rain's A-Gonna Fall" were also sold, but for a measly $485,000. According to the Los Angeles Times, the sale of the "Like A Rolling Stone" lyrics "bested the previous record of $1.2 million paid in 2010 for John Lennon's lyrics to 'A Day in the Life' from 'Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band.'"  

No word on whether or not you could hear the spirit of everything the lyrics stood for die out as the seller's gavel crashed down.

Prepare yourself Gen-X'ers, there will too soon come a day where someone shells out millions for a napkin Kurt Cobain wrote a few sentences on.



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Tuesday, June 24, 2014

"World's Dumbest Criminal" Earned His Moniker

Full disclosure: I am not a master criminal, nor a minor one, but here are some tips that you should follow if you aspire to be either of the two.


  1. If you decide to do a home invasion, don't check your Facebook while on the job
  2. If the urge to check your Facebook becomes unbearable, do so, but use your phone
  3. If you decide to say fuck the first two rules, use your victim's computer, but make sure to log out before you leave the scene of the crime


Nicholas Wig, a 26-year-old Minnesota man, was arrested recently for breaking into the St. Paul home of James Wood — stealing cash, credit cards, a watch, and a cell phone — and failing quite miserably, at following any of the above tips.

I have plenty of time to send out these Candy Crush invites.

When Wood returned home he noticed something was awry in his home.  There were articles of clothing strewn about that were not his own.  Also, he checked his computer (probably to post a status about being robbed) and found it logged into Wig's Facebook account.  

So let's recap.  Wig made the decision to break into Wood's home, not a great decision, but his choice to make.  Once successfully inside of the home, he removed some of his clothes (probably to help with the robbing) and then began to steal things.  Somewhere during this activity, he felt an uncontrollable urge to check his Facebook.  Satisfied with the robbing and the Facebook activity, he concluded his crime, whilst leaving his account open on his victim's computer.

When Wood's saw this, he, not being a complete idiot, came up with a trap.

CBS News:

Wood posted to Facebook using Wig's profile, saying Wig had burglarized his home. He even shared his phone number to see if someone would call with information. Wig texted him later that day. 
"I replied you left a few things at my house last night, how can I get them back to you," Wood said.
Wig agreed to meet with Wood later that night. Wood believes Wig was under the impression he would give him back some of his clothes he had left at his home in exchange for a recycled cell phone Wig had stolen.

Traveling home from a friend's house, Wood saw Wig walking down the street and called the police. The burglar was wearing Woods's watch when cops arrested him. He faces a maximum sentence of 10 years in jail.  10 years which will hopefully be spent on somehow increasing his IQ.

As for his take on being robbed by what is surely an idiot, Wood is not so sure if he even deserves the all time award: "World's dumbest criminal," Wood told CBS of the events. "I don't know."


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North Korea Hates James Franco and Seth Rogen

You may be a terrible failed state, that starves and tortures it's own citizens in the name of being "The People's Republic" but on one thing we do agree.  James Franco is a tool, so it is understandable that you hate him.  Rogen though?  Come on Hermit Kingdom, he made Superbad happen!

Look at my haircut, you would think I had a sense of humor.

So North Korea hates the comedic gold mine of a duo that blessed the world with Pineapple Express.  Chalk it up to another strange facet of their weirdness right?  Just like that captured "US imperialist spy ship" that you like to show off, right?

Not this time, as the DPRK has a real reason to not like the two Hollywood stars, it has to do with their new movie The Interview starring James Franco and Seth Rogen as American talk show hosts sent to assassinate Kim Jong-un.  It doesn't look very funny, and North Korea agrees.  See for yourself:




The Telegraph contacted Kim Myong-chol, unofficial DPRK spokesman and Kim Jong-un associate, for a little bit of insight into the regime's opinions on the film, and he was...open in his criticism:

"There is a special irony in this storyline as it shows the desperation of the US government and American society," he told The Telegraph. 
"A film about the assassination of a foreign leader mirrors what the US has done in Afghanistan, Iraq, Syria and Ukraine," he added. "And let us not forget who killed [President John F.] Kennedy – Americans. 
"In fact, President [Barack] Obama should be careful in case the US military wants to kill him as well," Kim Myong-chol said.

Hollywood usually ignores South Korea's unfortunate neighbor, but what about other big production movies that focused on the land north of the DMZ?  Die Another Day, Pierce Brosnan's last (and worst) James Bond film had the hero battling North Korean baddies, right across the line of demarcation (and also on the South Pole).  What does the regime think about that?

Myong-chol:

Kim Myong-chol dismissed Hollywood movies as being "full of assassinations and executions" and expressed the opinion that British films are far better and more realistic. 
"James Bond is a good character and those films are much more enjoyable," he said.

So Bond gets a pass.  Must have something to do with North Korea's popular culture still hovering somewhere around the 1960's.  That film, however, was pointed out by the Telegraph as being condemned in state media as "dirty and cursed" upon its release.

Criticism aside, the Supreme Leader will likely watch The Interview, Kim Myong-chol said. And who can blame him? You'd at least have to see whether you die at the end.


No word on what Kim Jong-un thinks about this though:


Probably a huge fan.



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Monday, June 23, 2014

Drug Cartels Busted Using Fake Watermelons To Smuggle Weed

First it was cocaine infused goat meat, then cookies with a different kind of "sugar," now the most delicious of summer treats (watermelon) is being co-opted for drug smuggling.  Well, kind of.

U.S. Customs and Border Patrol officers stopped the driver of a tractor trailer carrying what appeared to be delicious watermelons near Tucson, Arizona this past Thursday.  Only, after they X-rayed the fruit, they discovered these watermelons were packing more than just melon.  They were filled with millions of dollars of weed.

The watermelons weren't even watermelons at all, but facsimiles that were painted to look like the fruit.  The melon smuggler, an employee of the Mexican cartels, made it 20 miles into the U.S. with his impostor cargo before he was pulled over.

Imagine cracking one of these open, then being disappointed.  Then possibly being happy.


Tucson border patrol agent Bryan Flowers to Fox News:

These criminals use a lot of unique ways to try to conceal their narcotics. We've seen individuals use false compartments in the seats and gas tanks. We've also found marijuana in tractor trailers here before.



This wasn't the first time delicious and innocent fruit was used for drug smuggling. In 2008, cartels were busted bringing 5,000 pounds of pot — about $8.3 million worth — into Nogales, Ariz., hidden among actual watermelons.

At least then you would get a refreshing treat, right when you were sure to need it.  Watch your local farmer's market, they might be selling "fruit +..."


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American Student Pulled From Giant German Vagina

Quick, let's play the game of "Is This Actually What You Think It Is?"

Did you guess that the vagina would be stone?  If so, you win!

There is a giant marble vagina on the campus of Germany's Tubingen University Institute of Microbiology, and one American exchange student decided to get himself stuck all up in it.  Note: If you are ever on campus of TUIM, and someone dares you to climb inside of the giant marble vagina, respectfully decline.  You may suffer a brief moment of abuse, but it will in the long run be a much less embarrassing ordeal than to hours later be forcibly birthed from said vagina by angry German firefighters.

The student, who did not follow this advice, took the dare.  He then became stuck in the vagina (here is where you say "Story of my life") and bystanders were forced to call the fire department.

The student was a short time later assisted by no less than 22 firemen, who showed up in five trucks flanked by an ambulance, and whom most of which probably buried their faces in their hands when shown their task.

They did not however need any extra equipment to free the young man.

They used the tried and true "pull out" method.


Erik Guzman, a witness to the whole event, said that the man freed from the giant anatomy was trying merely to take a photo of himself inside of it.

Guzman:

"The fire department was not really amused, and he was really embarrassed."

The statue itself has been on the campus for 13 years, and was commissioned for $173,000 from Peruvian artist Fernando de la Jara.  It is named "Pi-Chacan," which roughly translates to "making love" in English.

Take pictures of it, but please, only from the outside.


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Sunday, June 22, 2014

Funday: Let's Kick It

GOOOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLLs are important in life.

Like the goal of our national U.S. Soccer team, which is to win the tourney that we are all shins deep in currently.  Otherwise known as the one time in four years where all Americans do their best to understand Football, or Futbol, or *gasp* Soccer.

We have it all.  Rapping Strikers (looking at you Dempsey), cool uniforms, yellow shoes (boots for all you Europeans), and even a rad name for all our fans.  The Outlaws, which this writer assumes is because it would be an absolute crime against Football for us to win the World Cup.

Give me liberty or...a...PK?


We even won our first game, so naturally everyone is excited, until we eventually blow it.

Don't worry though, because the Internet will always be here, even when we have to wait four more years...  There will always be stuff like this though:

(wait for it...waaaiit...for...it...)




Stuff you can believe in.

Sounds

G-Unit

Well, it has happened.  I have finally reached the age where things that I liked what seemed like yesterday are actually old enough to qualify as "old school."  If you are currently in your late twenties, you may not realize, or want to realize, that G-Unit was popular more than ten years ago.  I know, it is crazy.  In the eyes of people who were literally children in 2002, this qualifies them as "old school."  That being said, the comeback of 50 Cent to rap music, and his subsequent reformation of Gorilla Unit is pretty cool.  50 deserves a comeback, dude is a star.






ASAP Mob

From one decade earlier of a rap supergroup to this generation's.  ASAP Mob is back with their second posse album, and back to their old tricks.  That is, somehow making a rather simple and dirty BET Uncensored type rap video look high concept and artsy.  Don't know how they do it, perhaps it has something to do with the fact that their total throwback style (nobody wears jerseys anymore!) and tribute style affected Bone Thugs flow.  Or maybe it's just because Ferg is the best.  One thing is clear though, everybody you know is gonna be singing this hook, regardless of gender.






OK Go

They are back Internet, and they are here to once again take all of your online views.  The band that has become more known for their brilliant takes on the music video form, than their inoffensive pop music, has done it again.  Even when you figure out what they are doing, it will still mess with your head.  By the way, it's called skewed perspective, look it up.






Jessie Ware

I am gonna go ahead and save you the trouble of agonizing over where you heard the drum samples in this song.  It's from Prince, which may or may not be the reason why this song has been on repeat for a while now.  Well, it is certainly one of them.  Part of it is also the wonderful ability of Ware to sell us all some deep-seated serious emotions without ever selling them.  That's what she does.






Yung Lean

That's it.  This blog is over.  It is now transitioning into becoming an intricate part of the Yung Lean Industrial Complex, designed whole-hog to push Yung Lean, everyone's favorite white Swedish rapper, unwillingly onto the masses?  Why you ask?  Because that is him rapping in a cave next to a My Little Pony.  Because that is him rapping about sadness with one hand's fingernails painted black.  Because that is him GHOSTRIDING A MOTHERFUCKING SMART CAR WITH SUICIDE DOORS BECAUSE SWEDEN IS A NATION THAT CARES ABOUT SAFETY AND ECONOMY EVEN WHILE STUNTING TO A BALL-SIZZLING DEGREE.  There is no why, there is only Yung Lean.






Sights

TV Censorship

I am tired of these monkey-fighting censors on these monday to friday movies.  Find out what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps.






Untippable Motorcycle

Sure, the music is a little much for what is essentially a proof of concept video.  That doesn't mean though that the two seater, electric motorcycle that cannot tip over is not still really cool.  Even if it seems impossible that you could actually fit two real people inside of it.






If The Earth Stopped Spinning

Get a little science in you with Vsauce as he explains what would happen to you if the earth just decided to stop spinning one day.  No, you wouldn't shoot out into space, the results would be much much worse.  That is, unless you are already an astronaut.  Once again, proving that astronauts are the coolest.






Full Contact Skydiving

Watch from the comfort of your home and laugh as some downright lunatics try to convince you that their idea of fighting whilst skydiving is a "sport."  This is what the internet was created for, to laugh at absolutely ridiculous things that people are earnest about.






That's all for this week kids.  See you next Funday.





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Friday, June 20, 2014

AOTW: Gaga Goes Just Plain Stupid

Remember when Lady Gaga was the biggest star in the world?  This was before she fired all of her legendary style advisors and decided to create her "art" on her own.  Then came ARTPOP, and her slow decline as the world realized that it might not have been Gaga who was creating such interesting art in the first place.

She had branched out on her own, and began to make decisions like recording a song with R. Kelly.  A song called "Do What U Want."  Which is about Gaga wanting R. Kelly to do whatever he wants with her body.  A proposition not many people would want to make, especially if they are averse to getting peed on.

...could be...


This is the same Gaga who ditched her innovative director Nick Knight, for Terry Richardson.  A man who you may by now only associate not with his shitty photographs, but for the numerous times women have accused him of being a sexual predator.

Then she decided to put both these men in a music video.  An ill-advised, incredibly ignorant idea that never saw the light of day, until now.




Yeah, not a good idea.

The clip was shot in November, just weeks before The Village Voice revisited the sexual-assault accusations against R. Kelly in Jessica Hopper's widely circulated interview with Chicago Sun-Times' Jim DeRogatis. That effectively stopped the momentum of Kelly's just-released Black Panties in its tracks and probably prevented Gaga from releasing the video, in which Kelly plays a doctor who sedates her and then hosts a sexy party on her passed-out body. (Since then, more allegations of R. Kelly's sexual misconduct have surfaced.)

And Terry Richardson, directed it, but of course couldn't keep his loathsome face out of it either.  Either Gaga is trying to make some provocative statement about hanging out with predatory men, or she is just ignorant.

In January, Gaga claimed the video was delayed because:

I was given a week to plan and execute it. It is very devastating for someone like me, I devote every moment of my life to creating fantasies for you. All my most successful videos were planned over a period of time when I was rested and my creativity was honored.

She also claimed back then, referring to her then-recent, commercially underperforming album: 

"The next few months of ARTPOP will truly be its beginning. Because those who did not care about ARTPOP's success are now gone, and the dreams I have been planning can now come to fruition." 

So yeah, that's probably not the best source there.  Gaga, you are an incredibly talented singer, but it is time to go back to the people who made you.  Kill the ego, ask for some help.  You need it.  Otherwise, you will surely be an asshole again. 

Congratulations Lady Gaga, you are The Asshole of The Week.


Cookies Loaded With Cocaine Seized At Newark Airport

First, it was goat meat, and now criminals have decided to try their luck in the baked goods department.  Or at least that's what it seemed like when U.S. Customs and Border Protection at Newark International Airport took aside Mauricio Isidro Rivera Hernandez when he tried to check three bags containing nothing but cookies.

He did not fit the description, so it was suspicious.

After raising suspicion over the contents of his luggage, the authorities singled him out and performed a search of the desserts.  Upon inspection, the baked goods turned out to be not only cookies, but vessels for storing an entirely different kind of sugar, cocaine.  $52,000 worth of street sugar to be precise.

U.S. Customs agent Anthony Bucci:

Officers discovered cookies in his three checked bags. Inside the cookies, officers found 118 small, oval-shaped pellets of cocaine. The pellets contained a total of 3 pounds of cocaine with an an approximate street value of $52,000, according to Bucci.

Those do not look like cookies.

CBS New York reports that Rivera Hernandez was then turned over to Port Authority police.  He will be facing narcotics smuggling charges, and if it were a crime, criminal waste of delicious treats.  No one appears to have tasted the non cocaine parts of the cookies though, so he could have just been a terrible baker.

Let that be a lesson to you would-be smugglers.  Don't spend all day slaving in the kitchen for your contraband, just swallow it in ballons, (through your top or bottom hole) like a regular law breaker.


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Thursday, June 19, 2014

Tough Guy Confronts Reporter, Should Have Kept It Moving

Instant karma, can sometimes, very rarely, be caught on video.  When this magic happens, it is too good to not experience, and this past week one of these rare occasions was saved forever when one reporter filming a segment unexpectedly got some video gold.

Bay area station KRON 4's "People Behaving Badly" is a recurring segment on the news program which wags a finger at rude assholes for their mostly minor transgressions.  Uniting it's audience through the power of mutual disgust.  It is a pretty regular kind of occurrence for local news outlets, and the kind of thing that people who watch local news enjoy.

However, in a recent segment filmed at the Golden Gate bridge, the crew transcended it's message when one of the assholes tried to fight back.  The story was originally about motorists acting like fools around the bridge's toll booths.  That is, until they caught one motorcyclist breaking the traffic laws on film.  The rider could have just been one of the many anonymous people who were holding up traffic, if only he had rode on.  Instead, he tried to pick a fight, and will forever now be that guy.

Check it out:




The moral?  Don't mess with KRON 4 reporter Stanley Roberts.  Things might not turn out so well for you.


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Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Alaskans Can Now See If They Are Pregnant By Going To The Bar

Not sure if you are pregnant?  Live in Alaska?  Well then go right down to your local bar.  Alaska will become the second state to provide free pregnancy tests in bars.  The program, being organized by Healthy Brains For Children, is intended to reduce fetal alcohol syndrome in Alaska.  The state currently has the highest rate of the condition in the country.

What better place to celebrate a non-pregnancy?

Jody Allen Crowe, founder of Healthy Brains For Children, talking to ABC News:

"This isn't targeting chronic alcoholics. Right now 50 percent of pregnancies across the nation are unexpected. This is really focusing on women who are casual drinkers, people who would never drink if they knew they were pregnant."

If anything it could save you a trip after that ill-advised one night stand.

The experiment will also study women's reactions to posters of children with fetal alcohol syndrome.  The program in the first state, Minnesota, where test are available in youth centers, convenience stores, restaurants, and bars, is already a success according to Crowe.

Employees of locations where the pregnancy dispensers are installed say customers are pleased to see the free tests. 
"We hear positive anecdotes from people," Crowe said. "We're seeing evidence that the message, 'Think before you drink,' is working."

Or find out quickly after you drank, that you should have thought better.



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The Powerpuff Girls Are Back

Get ready world, because it is time for you to secretly enjoy a television show that you probably shouldn't be watching again.  That's right, The Powerpuff Girls are coming back.

Yes, you read that right.  The Hot-Topic approved Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup trio of superheroes from Townsville USA are returning to the small screen.  Now is the time you get really happy that you have children, so you can totally DVR the new show "for them to watch."

Even though they are an infant.


From Variety:


"As the original ambassador of girl power, 'The Powerpuff Girls' brand continues to resonate with people of all ages and there is tremendous excitement around introducing Blossom, Bubbles and Buttercup to a new generation," said Pete Yoder, vice president of consumer products for North America, Cartoon Network Enterprises. "With proven success and great content plans in place, there's so much potential that we're looking forward to explore with our licensing partners in the coming weeks."

The original show premiered in 1998, and had a 78-episode run.  The cartoon won two Emmys in six years, and the brand since then has gone on to generate $2.5 billion in sales.

Earlier this year, the show celebrated it's tenth anniversary with a special called The Powerpuff Girls: Dance Pantsed.  It featured original voice work from Ringo Starr, and an original song entitled, "I Wish I Was A Powerpuff Girl."




So there's hope for Samurai Jack after all...


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Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Hundreds of New Emoji Coming to Replace All The Words

Emoji demand is far outpacing emoji supply.  In your basic economics,  this means it would be a great time to be an emoji robber baron.  You could sit upon your pile of emoji cash, and twirl your handlebar mustache with glee as the proles below you furiously spammed "Cloud With Lightning" and "Fork and Knife With Plate" to each other.  Well...you could do that if it was a thing, which it is not...yet.

"Yes, buy all the emoji you want...SHEEP! Ha ha ha ha!"


It will soon be though, because it is almost officially the summer of 2014, and despite the massive amount of emojis already available, there are still so many words.  Words that cannot be properly expressed ironically through tiny images in text messages.

However, the emojis, are coming.

Phones will be able soon to recognize 250 more emojis, and more are on the way until the inevitable page right out of 1984.  When people will no longer need the pesky words, and will be able to LOL at each other using only pictures.  What an age.

Via The Verge:


Unicode, an industry standard that regulates the presentation of text across different software platforms, updated today to include 250 new emoji, the Unicode Consortium says. It will be up to the makers of Unicode member platforms like iOS and Android to implement the new standard and develop pictographs to represent the emoji, each of which Unicode describes only with a few tantalizing words.

Translated (into words someone who copiously uses emojis will understand) this means that your Iphone or Android will be able to recognize hundreds of new symbols, but designers will have to draw them first.  The list has potential, but is certainly daunting, and suffocating.  Also more than a little bit sad.

Here are some possible brand spankin' new emoji, via...*sigh*... Emojipedia:

Thermometer, Cloud With Rain, Wind Blowing Face, Hot Pepper, Dove Of Peace, Pocket Calculator, Checker Board, Raised Hand With Part Between Middle And Ring Fingers (aka the fucking VULCAN SALUTE -Ed.) and Bed.

There will also finally be an emoji for bed.  Thus allowing people so drunk they've lost the ability to speak, to tell others where they should go.



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Monday, June 16, 2014

Don't Hide Your Drugs In Your Fat Rolls, Police Will Still Find Them

Listen, if you are going to make the decision to have drugs, don't hold onto them.  Do them, or sell them, just get them out of your hands as fast as you can.  Preferably after you attain said drugs, don't require the need to drive them somewhere.  The police will pull you over, and they will find them.  They are pretty good at it.

No matter where you hide them, even if it is under your copious belly fat.

Give you two guesses who has the drugs.
That's exactly what happened when Keithian Roberts and Christopher known to his friends as "Fat Boy" Mitchell  were pulled over by the cops in Volusia County, Florida for not wearing a seatbelt.  After the two appeared to act "nervously" (because the police have never given anyone cause to do that) the two were held.  A K-9 was called in to search the scene, and then things got strange.  The 450-lb, 42-year-old had to think quick, and he did.  He just thought really poorly.

According to WFTV9:

"the deputy found cocaine, 23 grams of marijuana hidden underneath Mitchell's stomach fat, a handgun, and more than $7,000 cash stuffed into a tube sock."

It is not clear how the deputy found the weed under Mitchell's stomach rolls, but odds are the dog was involved.  Perhaps he was wearing a strong cologne and thought it would fault the dog whose sole job is to smell drugs.  Or maybe he forgot that the dog uses it's nose and not it's vision.

Roberts, who was driving the car also was arrested for possession charges.  He apparently did not hide any contraband under parts of his body.



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Bachelor Party Finds Mastodon Skull

A group of men attending a bachelor party in New Mexico this week did things right, giving the groom simultaneously one last taste of freedom, and a real memory that is impossible to forget.  This is because while in the midst of their festivities, they stumbled upon a ten million year old mastodon skull.  Presumably whilst they were listening to the band Mastodon, because that would have just been perfect.

Now that is what I call a party.

The group of dudes came across the skull, complete with tusks, at the aptly named Elephant Butte State Park, 150 miles south of Albuquerque.  Finding it buried in sand, they began digging until they realized what they had discovered.  According to Reuters, the group then contacted a professor at the University of New Mexico, an unbelievably responsible and forward thinking thing for a bachelor party to do, who put them in touch with Gary Morgan.  Morgan is a curator and paleontologist at the New Mexico Museum of Natural History and Science.

The procedure to fully excavate the fossil took six hours, as it was buried in four feet of lake silt.  All told the skull measured 5 feet by 3 feet, and weighed over 1,000 pounds.  Morgan to Reuters:

"This mastodon find is older than the woolly mammoth that tread the Earth in the Ice Age. ... It probably died on a sandbar of the ancient Rio Grande River. I've been here for 20 years and have never seen something like this before."

Museum officials praised the group for the wherewithal for realizing that they had found a valuable fossil (also for not destroying it.)  Which given the fact of how the discovery was made, and the possible outcomes, was a small miracle in itself.  Wedding guests praised the group for providing them with at least one thing to talk to acquaintances about during the reception.

It is unclear as to why the party was in the middle of the desert park during the bachelor party.  Perhaps they were celebrating one last night of freedom by doing a little bit of amateur paleontology, and just got lucky.  Odds are this is not the reason why, but that said, literally any possible explanation could be valid.


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Sunday, June 15, 2014

Funday: I Got Nothing

I don't really have a subject this week for the intro.  Other than: "Hey, it's summer practically and I just want to go outside and lay in the grass and/or pool."  Not really much to that, or that I can presently muster into four paragraphs or so.

So sue me.

It's okay though, next week I will have a proper intro.   Probably something to do with the World Cup, you know, gotta stay t(r)opical!  When you do one of these every week without fail, sometimes you just don't have much to say other than welcome to Funday, and enjoy the music and videos from the past week.

I don't know, here's a new music video from Psy as my pittance.  It features Snoop Dogg, because Psy has the wherewithal to realize that Snoop makes everything better.  Every single thing:





Man, talk about meta.  The post viral comedown is gonna hit Psy hard.  Good thing he will probably already be a gazillionaire by then.  I've seen the shows he does in Korea, he is getting paid.


Sounds

Popcaan

If it is indeed summer, then you should only be concerned with one thing: Finding a bangin' dancehall album to become your soundtrack.  Don't even worry about it, Popcaan has you covered with his debut album, just in time.  He is about to take his rightful place as the current most buzzing dancehall guy in Jamaica, so you should probably know about him.






Blood Orange

Pop music would be a much better place if it required everyone to be good at dancing.  Dev Hynes is real good at dancing.  Also, for a guy that normally performs all his music (and kills) with only a leather jacked and some keyboards, this band plus full compliment of dancers really brings it home.






Gerard Way

Now if you are like me, you saw this name and then scratched your head for a while wondering how you knew it.  Then you hit play an realized it was totally the dude from My Chemical Romance.  It's awesome that he took some time from his making comics career to be a rock star again, there is too much of a shortage of them these days.






Mastodon

Let's just be honest with ourselves here.  Mastodon owns all forever and always.  Amen.






Ryan Hemsworth f/Tinashe

French New Wave filmmakers thought they had cornered the market on filming cool stuff.  Imagine what they could have done if they had globetrotting Canadian DJs to film at the time.  The possibilities are limitless to what we could have seen.






Nicki Minaj

Full disclosure:  I already posted this song a week or so back, but it now has a video and thus by my own rules it is eligible once again for review.  Also I just really like it.  Yes, it is pretty much just a Beats Pill commercial, but it is also more, so much more.  






Lydia Ainsworth

Here is the best way to experience this one: 1) Put on some good headphones.  2) Turn them up.  3) Full screen this shit.  4) Hit play.  -Me telling you literally anything more would ruin it completely.




Sights 

Bad British NBA Finals Commentary

I told you.  If they keep making them, expect to find them here every week.





Inside the 1000 MPH Car

No that is not a typo.  Andy Green's office is a car that can go 1,000 mph, and he is willing to give you a tour of it before it is horribly destroyed in some sort of fireball.  Just kidding, hope not.  If you didn't know this was a car you would call it a spaceship.  Although what were we supposed to expect, a four on the floor and some fuzzy dice?





E3 2014 EA Conference Abridged

Video game's biggest event E3 is over, and for the most part it was pretty cool.  However, let's be honest, it's really just a huge marketing event to ply the masses to spend their hard earned money on luxuries they don't really need.  Most of E3 disguises this pretty well, but when they fail, they fail hard.  Like EA did this year.  Luckily one funny YouTuber decided to take them to task.





100 Ways to Attack The Groin

Sorry fellas, this was just too good though.





That's it, get on outside and enjoy yourself.  Just make damn sure your ass is back inside by next Funday.



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Saturday, June 14, 2014

Aaron Paul Will Turn Your Xbox On


Not sexually, although maybe...I am not sure I am not a machine.  They could totally be into him, plenty of humans are.

Will totally break a robot's heart.

Anyway, Aaron Paul is keeping busy post Breaking-Bad.  Good for him.  One of the things he is doing is starring in a new ad for Microsoft's new console the unfortunately named Xbox One.  In the ad he laments being a rich/successful actor because he doesn't have enough time to play video games.  He also is inadvertently trolling everyone at home who has one due to a certain feature of their Xbox.

Two words: Voice control.

See, the Xbox One's Kinect has built in voice controls which are always on, even when the Xbox isn't.  This allows you to turn on your console even if you cannot find where you threw your controller last time you became irrationally angry while playing FIFA online to some Brazillian kid (topical!)  All you have to do is say: "Xbox on."





The problem is, anybody can say "Xbox on" and as long as it's loud enough, and your Kinect is listening (which it always is, sat there judging your life with it's cold mechanical ears) it will turn on your Xbox.  Even Jesse Pinkman starring in a television advertisement.  Since most people keep their Xbox near their television, when the ad comes on, so does your Xbox.



Voila, Aaron Paul just jacked your console, bitch.

This isn't the only voice controlled fun you can have with Kinect.  Check out what one savvy gamer did when he changed his gamertag to "Xbox Sign Out."





Xbox, you so crazy.