Friday, May 30, 2014

AOTW: Man Commits Creepiest Crime In The World By Stealing Human Skin

Welcome back ladies and gentlemen to Asshole of The Week, where each Friday we award a person, place, or thing from the past week that has generally just been the absolute worst.  This week we have a clear winner above all other possible entries.

His name is Gary Dudek, he is 54 years-old, and over two years he stole $350,000 of human skin.

When reached for comment he replied, "Would you fuck me?  I'd fuck me."

We should probably end right there but things need to get more creepy unfortunately.

Dudek worked as a sales rep for a medical company that supplied the hospital with skin grafts, that is human skin grafts of course.  This position gave him an "open purchase order" to order skin for the facility.  An advantageous position for someone who would want to start a human skin collection.

The jig was up after a financial audit this past January though, when the Mercy hospital discovered he had ordered hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of unauthorized...skin...that never made it to the hospital.

Investigators believe that Dudek repeatedly stole the skin grafts, which to reiterate are human skin -between November 2011 and July 2013.

Dudek was caught twice on surveillance cameras taking the skin grafts from the hospital and putting them in his car.  Which would certainly have made for an interesting conversation if he had been pulled over.

Police don't know his motives as of yet, but they suspect he was planning to sell the skin and collect the commission.   Now sit back and imagine what you think to be worse:  That people would steal skin to sell on some sort of body part black market, or the fact that there is a black market for human body parts.

Dudek's lawyer believes the hospital should be suing instead of pursuing a criminal case against his client.  His lawyer to NBC News:

"If Mercy Hospital has suffered losses and they can be deemed to be as a result of Mr. Dudek's actions then perhaps a civil suit could have been initiated. But to take this into the criminal arena against a man who has been nothing but hard-working and law-abiding his entire life is a bit draconian, in my view."

Stealing donated human skin that could be used to help injured people so that you can make money eh?
It doesn't much even need to be said at this point, but congratulations Gary Dudek, you are the Asshole of The Week.  You have simultaneously succeeded in being both a criminal, and an absolute mega-creep.

Fuck you Gary, fuck you very much.



What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine

Lucky Brinks Truck Drops $125,000 In Front of Honest Man

A poor but honest man, lucky for Brinks, did the right thing when the money moving company accidentally dropped a bag filled with thousands of dollars at his feet.  He didn't want the money, but only to make his family proud of him.

Not to undermine the story, but they'd probably be proud if you brought home $100,000.

Joe Cornell, who told reporters that he only has the budget of $1 a day for lunch, was volunteering at the Salvation Army when the bag of money flew off of a Brinks truck and landed in the street, right in front of him.

Rather thank keep his new lucky windfall,  Cornell decided instead to give the money back.  He says he turned it over to authorities because he wanted his grandkids to be proud of him for doing the right thing.  Cornell:

"I thought 'What type of man do I want my grandkids to think I am?'," says Cornell, "I want them to think I'm a just man that does the right thing and I did the right thing."

When Cornell's wife found out about what he had done, she wasn't angry but quite the opposite.  She burst into tears, later saying that she was so proud of him giving the money back.  Especially because they are so poor.

Brinks rewarded the honesty of Cornell with $5,000 cash, and additionally gave a $5,000 donation to the Salvation Army in his name.

That's the last time a guard leave a bag of money on the roof with his coffee.



What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine

Thursday, May 29, 2014

It's Official, Reading Rainbow Is Back

Well, everybody born from 1983 on can go ahead and crack a nice big smile.  At least in one important facet, you will never again have to tell youngsters about how when you were a kid a little show called Reading Rainbow taught you the value of reading.  If only there was a show like that now for kids...

Thanks to LeVar Burton, the man who pretty much shaped your child hood, Reading Rainbow is back!  Feel free to commence singing the theme song, we all know you remember it.  All it took was one day, a Kickstarter, and of course viewers like you.  Yes, the man who gently read you stories every afternoon in school, and then often when you got home, now wants to be able to do it for your children.




This past Wednesday, Burton, announced via Kickstarter that he intended to bring his beloved PBS children's series back to life.  He stated that he needed $1 million to reach his goal.

The show, which aired from 1983 to 2006, was launched as an app in 2012. Burton’s new project was to bring “Reading Rainbow’s” extensive digital library of books and videos to classrooms across the country for free.

“We can genuinely change the world, one children’s book at a time,” Burton said in a video announcing the project. “'Reading Rainbow' is back for every child, everywhere.”
Burton allowed 35 days for the project to be funded, but he didn't anticipate that the love for Rainbow was so strong that in one day the $1 million was raised.  All told the project is sitting currently at $1.6 million to date.

So it's official, reading is still awesome, Reading Rainbow still matters, and LeVar Burton is officially the best person around.

First he read to you, then (if you were a nerd) he became even more (Geordi for life)

Also, get ready, he was Kwame on Captain Planet.  Just blew your damn mind.  The hits just keep on coming.


What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine

89-Year-Old Woman Whoops Sword Wielding Robber's Ass

A masked man armed only with a sword though it would be a good idea to try and rob a Washington state convenience store where an 89-year-old shopkeeper was working this past Sunday.  To this the octogenarian said, "Not today."



The would-be robber walked behind the counter at Frank's Superette in Moses Lake, Washington and demanded Miyo Koba open the register for him.  Koba, who has owned the store for 60 years, was not so easily intimidated.

Koba to KREM:

"I said, 'No, I'm not going to open the till for you.' If you don't get your hands off the till, I'm going to stab you with my scissors.  He started pounding on the register trying to open it because I wouldn't do it for him. He pulled out his little sword out of his little jacket, and he just kind of waved it a little bit."

Police say the "little sword" measured about three feet in length.  Clearly not enough to scare the elderly shopkeep.

The suspect shoved Koba to the floor and grabbed the unopened register.  However, as she was still on the ground she was able to reach a golf club and beat the thief in the legs repeatedly.  She aimed for his head, but could not reach it from the floor.

Golf club beats sword, everybody knows that.

The robber escaped with his life, riding away on a BMX bike.

Police later found the register and returned it, but they also found something strange.  The robber's clothes.

"He must have been running around in his underwear and no shoes because that's what they said, they found all his clothes," said Koba.

Score one for the senior citizens.

What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Serial Tickler Terrorizing Boston

Boston police are searching for a man known only (and appropriately) as "The Tickler."  A burglar who has apparently broken into several homes around Boston College and tickled the feet of sleeping students.



Well, tonight it will be nightmare time.
No, this is not some Internet fever dream hoax either.

Appropriately named Sergeant Michael O'Hara, a community service officer for the Boston Police Department to Boston.com:

"This is no myth.  This is happening."

Over the past two years, The Tickler who has been described by witnesses as a 5' 8'' black man, has been spotted at least 10 separate times.  Including several times in one night last April.  Go ahead and make your "Sole Brother" jokes right now...get that out of your system.

Several of the victims of the home invader have shared their stories with Boston.com.

Last October, Teddy Raddell, a Boston College junior, was woken by his screaming roommate.  Raddell:

"I thought my roommate had fallen down the steps. But then he started yelling. I got up and he said that he had woken up to someone touching his feet. The guy didn't take anything and there were laptops and wallets out in the main room."

The Tickler, living up to his moniker, seemingly is only interested in tickling feet.

Another junior, Daniel Marenzi, says he woke up to the man tickling his feet last October as well.

"I thought my friend was just trying to annoy me, but I soon realized it wasn't anyone I knew.  I freaked out and sat up but he was already on the way out."

Some of the victims have called for more police presence in the area.  However, Sergeant O'Hara doesn't think that this will help.  O'Hara:

"People calling in saying they want more patrol cars won't do anything. They need to report crimes when they happen," he said. "It's a low crime area. We patrol areas based on the crime statistics."

O'Hara says at this time, there are no leads.  So wrap up your feet Co-eds, and perhaps break out the tried and true string with a bell on it.  Otherwise your feet are at the mercy of The Tickler!

It seems the city of Boston has not learned it's history, and thus are doomed to repeat it.  This streak of crimes is similar to those of Whipping Tom, 17th century London's serial spanker.  Perhaps the only way to catch a criminal mastermind of the present is to study one from the past!


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Watch 50 Cent Become The New Bad First Pitch King

Move over Carly Rae Jepsen, forget about it former Mayor of Cincinnati Mark Mallory, because there is a new Master of the Bad First Baseball Pitch on the scene.  His name is Curtis Jackson, better known as 50 Cent, and he is not good at baseball.

50 Cent has a lot of valuable skills.  He is a multi-million record selling rapper, he is a very clever businessman, he is a charismatic and astute public speaker, and is a very good comedian.  One thing he is not though, is a major league caliber picher.  This was clearly documented yesterday night at the Mets-Pirates game where he was tasked with the ceremonial throwing of the first pitch.

The announcers generally described it as "a little outside."





Come on though, look at that smile.  50 knows how to take it all in stride, I guess you learn that life lesson pretty quickly after you are shot nine times.  You make it through that, throwing a bad pitch isn't that big of a deal.  After all, it was only a Mets game anyway.  Hell, it could have even been intentional.  50 is a business, man, and he knows that one bad pitch is a ticket to Sportscenter primetime.  That or his body being riddled with bullets perhaps doesn't allow him to pitch very well, no range of motion.

On his Instagram account (which comes highly recommended) he wrote, "I'm a hustler, not a damn ball player. LMAO." also making sure to get some of his products in with: #smsaudio #animalambition

Here's a tip though for any celebrities:  If you want to not look foolish on national television, decline to throw out the first pitch.  Unless, that is, your plan all along.

Also, can someone please cut me out the announcer saying "fiddy cent?"  I need that sound bite for many reasons.


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Tuesday, May 27, 2014

There Is A Cat That Can Play Jenga

Welcome to the Internet folks.

It cannot be helped.


You get it right? Cats, the Internet, synergy.  This is how the world works in 2014.

Cats can be so much more than adorable aloof jerks, well at least one cat can.  That cat can play mother fuckin' Jenga.

The cat in question belongs to Alan Palesko.  His name is Moe, he enjoys dextrous games of skill, despite lacking opposable thumbs and/or hands.

There isn't much more to say.  There is a cat, it plays Jenga, it's 14 years into the 21st century and this is what our lives are now.

Check it out:






Now you show me a dog that plays Connect Four, and you can consider me impressed.


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True Detective Season 2 Is Coming, Steel Yourselves

True Detective, the show that was so amazing in only 8 episodes, is coming back for a season 2.  Given that the show is taking a serialized focus, that means that not only will the story be different, but the cast as well.  Much speculation has surrounded the upcoming season, and until now not much has been revealed.  Well, other than the given that Matthew "Time is A Flat Circle" McConaughey and Woody "You Are Like The Michael Jordan of Being a Son of a Bitch" Harrelson will not be returning.

The answers you seek are all on this VHS tape.

In a recent interview though, series creator Nic Pizzolatto revealed a bit more.

Here's what he told public radio program To the Best of Our Knowledge:
Right now, we're working with three leads. It takes place in California. Not Los Angeles, but some of the lesser known venues of California and we're going to try to capture a certain psychosphere ambience of the place, much like we did with season one. The characters are all new, but I am deeply in love with all of them. We have the entire season broken out, and I have a couple of scripts, and we'll probably start casting within the coming month.

Once again, being that True Detective is a serial show, Pizzolatto can fuck with whatever he wants with regards to the cast, setting, and even the first season's beloved mismatched-cop-partners dynamic.  Seemingly he aims to do so.

Pizzolatto previously described the second season as a story of "bad men, hard women, and the secret occult history of the United States transportation system."  Which totally seems like a joke, but then again you never know.

So far, he hasn't released any info on the season's source material- season one of course borrowed from the 1895 short story collection called The King in Yellow.  Nor has he even mentioned what time period the upcoming arc will be set in.

As far as the casting goes it is clear only who will not be starring: McConaughey and Harrelson, also rumored but squashed possibility Jessica Chastain is out.  Everybody else though, fair game, even the often rumored Brad Pitt.  Can't you just see a Seven era detective Pitt back on the case? I sure can.

So since we don't know much about who will be starring, where it will be set, and what will happen, let's all do what the Internet does best:  Commence your speculation!

I am gonna go with Seth Rogen and Joe Rogen, investigating the secret occult history of...weed, in the 1970's.  It writes itself.


What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine

Deer Falls From Sky And Trashes Car

Moms have to worry about many things.  They have to make sure their kids are happy, fed, reasonably smart enough to function in society.  Now they have to add one thing to the list, making sure that their kids aren't inevitably crushed by falling hoofed animals.

One mom succeeded in the former after a deer fell from on overpass on a Chicago highway, crashing through her windshield and nearly causing her to wreck with her four kids in the car.  No one was seriously injured in the crash, although the mother did sustain a minor shoulder wound.

Insurance is never gonna believe this...

Heidi Connor and her kids were driving back from an eight hour road trip when an adult female deer fell from the overpass they drove under, hitting her car while she was driving at 70 mph.  Connor was somehow able after the crash to maneuver over three lanes of traffic with the deer still in her windshield and safely wait for police.

Connor to CBS Chicago:

"If it had been one inch to the left, it would have been dead center. I wouldn't have been able to control the car. And one inch to the right, it would have killed my son."

It is unclear why the deer decided to jump off the overpass.  Whether it was scared by cars or had enough of this world and decided to take it's own life, is unclear.

Two things are clear however: 1) This is super weird. "Never in my career have I seen anything like this," Illinois Police State Trooper Justin Novarro said.  2) Heidi Connor is up for the "Mom of The Year" award.  Or at least the "Excellence In Not Getting Your Kids Killed By Large Falling Animals" award.  For that one she is a shoe-in. 




What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine

Monday, May 26, 2014

Depressed Goat Reunited With Burro Best Buddy

Sometimes all you need is to see a good pal again, and everything instantly seems better.  Such was the case for Mr. G, a goat, and Jellybean, a burro after they were rescued from squalor in an animal hoarder's home.  For the first time in their lives they were separated, taken to live in different animal sanctuaries.  The separation of Mr. G from his best buddy, caused the goat to display depression, he refused to eat or move for six days.

I don't even want to eat your pants.

Mr G. was down in the dumps, until he got to be reunited with his best friend.





After Mr. G and Jellybean were rescued, they were each taken to different animal sanctuaries which happened to be 14 hours apart.  That's when the staff of Animal Place in Grass Valley, California decided that the two needed to be together again.  They arranged for Jellybean to take a trip, and as soon as the goat heard his burro buddy being unloaded, things were back to normal again.

Disney, get on this, the movie is already there for you.  It writes itself.

What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Funday Music Edition: Word To Your Mother

Stop, collaborate, and listen!  Now that I have all of your attention, especially all the white people, follow me here.  Pause for a moment and consider the simultaneous novelty/classic song "Ice Ice Baby." Perhaps the most misleading rap song of all time.

Now I know what you are thinking, "How could it be misleading, it's just my man Ice jammin while showing us his perfect New Jack Swing era dance moves."

To which I would reply, you don't probably remember this song as well as you think.  Now, is the point where you retort, "But I do! I know all the lyrics."  Nope, no you do not.  Now everyone knows the first verse, it has become a part of pop culture, but did you remember the more "Gangsta" parts of the song?

Like this line for instance:

Gunshots, ranged out like a bell, I grabbed my 9, all I heard was shells, FALLIN'

Yes, this line is in the song, check for your self at around 2:15 you will hear it clearly.  This coming from a dude who looks like he should be a backup dancer for Bobby Brown, at best.  Gunshots rang out and I did a sweet spin in my loafers, that I could believe, but it is just hard to believe a dude with steps in his hair on top of a pompadour is an assassin with pistol yo.

Sorry Ice, but I would not feel the need to cross the street if I saw you coming.

I guess what I am trying to say is that sometimes image is important to what you are trying to say.  If you want to appear tough in your video for what you think is your tough song, maybe you should ditch the parachute pants.  Or if you want to see a white rapper who you believe will pull a jack move on you, just watch old House of Pain videos:






Nineties Everlast looks like he would slap your mother for no reason.

That's enough I guess, at this point clowning on Ice is just too easy, so we will leave it hanging.  We have a special music edition this week, once again there were just too many good songs/music videos to leave some out.

So like Vanilla Ice shouts to his DJ VIP, let's kick it!



Sounds

La Roux


Remember La Roux?  The British dance-pop duo that your girlfriend loved and you also secretly loved.  Well it has been a few years since they broke over her in USA land and things may have changed in your life.  Maybe that girlfriend isn't around, or she likes metal now.  One thing that hasn't changed though is that La Roux is still making super catchy songs, well, singer Elly Jackson isn't doing that weird thing with her voice anymore.  So that's changed, but otherwise still making jams.  The kind that would be right at home in an 80's action romp with a archetypical hero, so it's cool is what I am saying.






Major Lazer


In the past I have struggled over whether I accept the spelling of laser with a "z."  Sometime it works, and sometime it just feels desperate to be cool.  I had to just come to terms with when it works it works well, like in the case of one Diplo's awesome dancehall persona.  All that aside, in the words of the ubiquitous Rap mixtape DJ, "You already know what the fuck this is!"  It is Major Lazer, ass shaking music that both you and your 19 year-old cousin can relate to.  The addition of Sean Paul is a major plus, and also makes me wonder why Diplo doesn't do these kinds of collabos more often.  I mean, you make future dancehall beats, and Sean Paul is a dancehall G, it's simple.






Jungle


No Hip Hop fans, I am sorry to say that this is not a release from Nas' brother out of the blue.  I am sorry if you jumped to the same conclusion that I did.  I apologize.  However, what this is in fact is some great dance music from a pair of lads straight out of England.   It is somewhere between Chromeo and Hot Chip, and thus is a sure fit for my ear holes.  If it sounds like something you would also like, than rejoice because it definitely is.





Jurassic 5


2006.  That was the last time that these LA lyricists released something.  Now take a minute and reflect on the inevitable passage of time.  Are you back with us?  Okay good.  It may have been several years, but other than a few grey hairs it honestly seems like they never left with this new White Stripes sampled track.  Either that or it will make you feel like you went back in time to a place where the 3:00 mark JDilla style breakdown could have still been made by a living Dilla.  This video will for sure though make you remember two things: 1)That J5 was an awesome group  2)That you miss The White Stripes a whole bunch.  So, like many things in life, it is bittersweet.






Die Antwoord


Who would have thought Die Antwoord would have made it to three albums?  That being said, it is awesome that Die Antwoord has made it to three albums, simply for the fact that as long as they continue to make music they can continue to make their case for the number one spot in the Hall of Fame of Crazy Music Videos.  This latest entry definitely strengthens their resolve, with Ninja dressed as a literal Pitbull (which is the title of the song) and murdering people.  It is everything that Die Antwoord fans will love, and everything people who aren't fans will be confused by.  Being a fan, all i can say is ZEF SIDE FOR LIFE.







Nicki Minaj


Just in case you haven't been keeping up, Nicki has been rapping her ass off lately.  Seriously though.  So it's both interesting and surprising in the best way that her first single off her upcoming "The Pink Print" album would go left right into the pop world.  Now, Nicki is no stranger to pop hits (See Here), and I am not the best at judging these things but this one, a personal ballad with a huge hook and chorus, seems destined to hit big.  You tell me that you can't see your self randomly singing "I still love, I still love, I still love, I still love, I still LUH-UH-UV" to yourself at random intervals through the day.  Hell, you are probably doing it right after you get done hearing it.





M.I.A.


It may take her a while to crank them out, but much like Die Antwoord, whenever MIA releases a video it is damn well worth watching.  Such is the case with her new one, which really has no plot per se, just a collection of super cool things that you wish you could be a part of but probably never will.






Riff Raff


Come on, it is another Riff video.  He could put out 10 a week, and if he did you already know this feature would just become nothing but Riff Raff videos.  This week we have Riff hanging out with cute children who are in turn hanging out with gorgeous models, gotta be a rap first for a video.




Love Dollhouse


It has been waaay too long since the world of pop music has had a successful girl R&B group the likes of TLC or Destiny's Child.  That might change with these three ladies, because time honored hip hop Honey Drippers sample and all, they just might have a hit here.  Fingers crossed that we can get back to the mid-90's music scene, complete with both sexes hitting the charts with copious amounts of R&B groups (Jodeci, 112, All Saints, En Vogue, etc.)  If anything, they already got the flannel top buttoned shirt and ripped jeans going, so the look is already there.




Sam Smith


The Brit with the golden voice continues to slowly make his takeover one song at a time.  They say the best songs are the most simple ones, and this little ditty has Smith showcasing that amazing talent over some simple but powerful lyrics about pining for another who is taken.




Basement Jaxx


Yet another group has returned after years of being super quiet, and unlike J5, the fellas behind Basement Jaxx have picked the perfect time to bring back their ADD dance music.  For their first new single in 5 years, they decided to go with a colorful farce featuring an animated unicorn and other interesting shapes gyrating before your eyes.  It may not be the "Where's Your Head At?" video, but then again nothing else is either.




Morrissey


It seems like these days ol' Moz is so concerned with being a maudlin, self-righteous bastard so much that it is easy to forget just how unfuckwitable he is once he opens his mouth to sing.  Let's get this clear, he still is absolutely unfuckwitable, even when he is singing a song-story about a father searching for his long lost son in Turkey.  Glad you are back you Irish bastard you.






There, now either you still have "Ice Ice Baby" or "Jump Around" stuck in your head still, or some of these tunes above will have you nodding your head for the upcoming week.  Either way, I have done my job.

See you next week.


What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine



Friday, May 23, 2014

AOTW: NYC Department of Education Is Calling Children Fat

For a minute there, it seemed like this week was going to be great.  The world it seemed, decided to give all the assholes and idiots a week off, and not have them make any news.  I was cautiously optimistic this week that there just might have not been any assholes to write about.

Then, right when I was ready to enjoy the weekend, it happened.  The news hit that the NYC Department of Education was this week's clear winner.  The fact that it was by default does not lessen the level of stupidity displayed.

You see currently the Department of Education in the city is sending home with it's children "Fitnessgrams," 870,000 of them to be precise.  These papers declare where the students fall on the scale from underweight to obese.

Now, at first this seems like a good idea.  It is no secret our nation continues to struggle with obesity, and that starting youths off with a healthy set of plans to follow would do us all some good.  Them being the future of our nation and all.

Put that donut down young lady, or you'll never find a husband.


However, it is not the idea that makes the people behind it assholes, it is the sheer failure of both it's implementation and construction that does it.

Let's start with the way they are measuring the student's degree of fatness.  The school system has opted to use BMI to measure their students.  BMI is one of the most outdated and inaccurate determinators of diagnosing overall health.  BMI is only a rough measure of overall health, and many experts consider it whack. Even the CDC, which backs BMI as "a reliable indicator of body fatness," admits that it's "not a diagnostic tool."

For example, a child who is relatively heavy may have a high BMI for his or her age. To determine whether the child has excess fat, further assessment would be needed. Further assessment might include skinfold thickness measurements. To determine a counseling strategy, assessments of diet, health, and physical activity are needed.

  Despite this, it is easy to calculate and outdated organizations who are too lazy and cheap to use other methods like the NYC school system and military, still use this system because it is simple.

Simple, and whack.


Now, the other side of the failure, the methods with which the system sent these messages home with students.

Instead of using the obvious, and cheaper method of perhaps sending an email, the school system opted to print out these messages, sending them home with the children.  These letters were supposed to only be opened by parents, but children, being children, opened many of the letters themselves.  Since if you are reading this you were mostly likely a child yourself, if your teacher sent a note home to your parents that you weren't allowed to see, you opened it.  If not for any other reason than to prepare yourself for punishment.

However in this case the punishment came from within, where children began to shame themselves when they found out their school thinks that they are fat.   Tiny third grader Gwendolyn Williams speaking to the New York Post: 


"I was like, 'Oh, my God! Why did I get this? I'm 4-foot-1, and 66 pounds, and I'm like, what?!"

Gwendolyn's mom found out about the "Fitnessgrams" Wednesday night when her daughter approached her confused:

"She said, 'Hey, Mom. The school told me I'm overweight.' And then she started jiggling her thighs, and saying, 'Is this what they mean?'

It is pretty clear why some experts are calling this public fat-shaming of children.  The Binge Eating Disorder Association told the Post that "dieting, especially for kids, is the gateway drug for eating disorders, and so is the public shaming that can come with this."

The principal of course told Gwendolyn's mom that the kids weren't supposed to open the Fitnessgrams, which does nothing to address the problem of sending them home in the first place.

Fat-shaming children and then blaming them for finding out that you are fat-shaming them?  

Congratulations NYC Department of Education, you are the Asshole of The Week.


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Watch Chad Smith And Doppelganger Will Ferrell Settle Their Feud With A Drum Off

In case you missed it, last night The Tonight Show threw comedy out the window and became a battleground.  Will Ferrell and Red Hot Chili Peppers drummer Chad Smith appeared to once and for all settle their long standing feud, with of course, a drum-off.

There can only be one!

It all began this past February on a Reddit AMA where Smith, tired of being accused of looking like the SNL alum, challenged the movie star to drum-off for the rights to call their looks their own.  Ferrell agreed, but only if the pair could raise $300,000 for Cancer for College, Ferrell's favorite charity.  This being announced on the Internet, the lover of ridiculous things, it was quickly funded and set up for premiere on Fallon's show.

FIrst the two appeared and discussed the situation in their own words (while dressed identically of course):





Then the anticipation was satiated, as the drum-off began.  Without spoiling it, there was a cowbell and surprise musical guest appearance:




Well, glad that's settled.

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Thursday, May 22, 2014

Cat Brings Owner Weed, Owner Rats It Out

Cat owners are familiar with the concept that cats often like to bring them things.  Often these things are dead animals, or only parts of dead animals, brought to their human as a tribute.  Or proof of the cat's prowess to do gross things.  But on the past Sunday, one New Zealand cat went above and beyond the call (especially for a cat) and bring home it's owner a small bag of marijuana.

Got you some human catnip, and I would appreciate a little reciprocation.

According to Yahoo News, said cat owner did not reward the street scientist cat with copious amounts of scratching posts and catnip showers, but promptly called the police.  On their own pet no less, they ratted, and we all know how cats feel about rats:

Officers said they found five grams (0.2 ounces) of cannabis, with an estimated value of NZ$150 ($130). 
''You hear of cats bringing dead birds and rats home but certainly in my career I've never seen anything like this before," Sergeant Reece Munro told the Otago Daily Times. 
''I guess you never really know who's keeping you honest these days, do you?" 
Munro said the owner of the cannabis had not been found, although police were planning to check the plastic bag for fingerprints.

Given how normal cats are useless, in fact ridiculously so, the owner's decision to punish their feline for such ambition is inexplicable.

After all, not every cat can be Tara the Hero Cat.  This one was doing whatever it could to be the best cat it could be, and that involved a little bit of illegal herbal activity.  For that it deserves at least a footnote in the Feline Hall of Fame, right next to Garfield and Grumpy Cat.



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Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Pharrell Starts Lots Of His Songs The Same Way

Pharrell Williams doesn't need to justify himself.  He is one of the most prolific and successful producers of all time, making artists ranging from Britney Spears to Snoop Dogg sound hot and sell records.  Recently he even found a new level of success as his hit "Happy" has made him a household name across the world, even more so than he already was.

He also has a pretty sweet side hustle in the hat game as well.


This however does not mean that time to time, he doesn't lean on some familiar techniques.  A new post on the blog of Discopop has made this very clear.  In a mix posted by the Soundcloud user, he shows us all the "Pharrell Williams Guide to Repetitive Song Intros."

Check it out:




What you have just heard is a signature "technique" of Pharrell.  That is, taking the first beat of the first bar of a song and looping it four times before the song hits in earnest.  The mix above featured the following songs from a variety of artists (including Pharrell himself) in order all produced by Pharrell, and most of which you probably know:


  1. SWV - Right Here (he even does it while sampling MJ)
  2. Jay-Z - Frontin'
  3. Kelis - Milkshake
  4. Snoop Dogg - Drop It Like Its Hot
  5. Robin Thicke - Blurred Lines
  6. Shakira - Why Wait
  7. Frank Ocean - Sweet Life (this one is especially lazy)
  8. Pharrell Williams - Brand New
  9. Paloma Faith - Can't Rely On You
  10. Pharrell Williams - Happy
  11. Pharrell Williams - Hunter
  12. Jay-Z - I Wish
  13. Pharrell Williams - Gust Of Wind
Maybe you see this as a jack move, or it gives each Pharrell song a digestible rhythm.  Maybe it is his genius way of grabbing you right by the subconscious and tricking your brain into saying, "Wait, I remember this intro, this song must also be a banger."  It's not necessarily a bad technique, Discopop agrees:

It's not a bad technique - for one thing, you get to the melody quicker, and that is a sure-fire way of making your song memorable and radio friendly.

Or just maybe Pharrell has just produced so many hits, he doesn't even remember using the same intros.  Probably not though...but maybe.



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Delaware Highway Covered In Bees After Tractor-Trailer Crash

Authorities in Delaware no doubt had an interesting call last night when they were summoned to help clean up the wreckage of a tractor-trailer crash.  However, this wasn't an ordinary accident, as this one was being swarmed by bees, 20 million of them.  The bees, which were the cargo of the truck, escaped after the crash, and as anyone who has watched a Looney Tunes cartoon knows, shaken bees are angry bees.  So they swarmed the wreckage.

Why did I have to crash the bees truck?!?

From NBC Philadelphia:

The big rig, which was holding about 20 million bees in 460 boxes, overturned on the state Route 896 northbound on-ramp to I-95 northbound in Newark shortly after 6 p.m., according to officials. 
It would take nearly 13 hours to clean-up the mess.

Proving that they more than deserve to be called "Delaware's Finest" the police demonstrated that they were prepared for anything, no matter how ridiculous.  State Sergeant Paul Shavack did comment that it was however the first time that they had to employ their "honeybee swarm removal plan."  Hopefully every state has a bee swarm removal plan ready to go just in case, we should all be so lucky.

Three beekeepers were called to the scene.  They along with firefighters worked to disperse the bees, 90 percent of which were lost during the crash, in what surely must be the most devastating pileup of bodies in auto crash history.

Beekeeper Paul Dill speaking to NBC Philadelphia:

"They've been traumatized so they're pretty well upset now."

Another witness described the swarm of bees as "thirsty...disoriented and angry."  Makes total sense.

The truck's driver, Adolfo Guerra, and two passengers suffered minor injuries in the crash. They were also stung 50-100 times each. Guerra was later cited for unsafe shifting of a load in relation to a crash.

Perhaps they should have left the bees, then Delaware would at least have a reason for people to visit the state.  Stings, doesn't it.

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Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Guarantee You've Never Seen Manhattan Like This

Forget the top of the Empire State Building, this is the way to see the Manhattan skyline.

Yes.

The best part, Redbull is putting up the cash for the plane and the cameras, the fuel, and the wingsuits.

There is, more than usual, a lot of stuff going on in NYC this week.  With Fleet Week and the Jonas Beach Airshow featuring the Blue Angels going down for Memorial Day Weekend.  The Airshow also features 5 wingsuit flyers from the Redbull Air Force doing their thing, this week jumping out over Manhattan.

The jumpers leapt from 7,500 feet way above the Freedom Tower, flying more than two miles in two minutes to a barge in the Hudson River.

Check it out:



Rad.


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Man Shoots Brother In Face Brother Spits Out Bullet

Brothers right?  Only those out there who have been made to share their lives with another man can understand just how much that man can make them furious.  They just know how to push your buttons so perfectly that at some point in your life you say to yourself (or them) "You are so lucky I don't have a gun..."

What if you did have a gun though?  And were also an idiot?  Well then you might have ended up like the two Chesterfield, VA brothers whose argument devolved into an alleged shootout that is now being investigated by police.  A shootout that ended with one brother shot in the face and neck.

Ask me to have the remote ONE MORE TIME! I DARE YOU!

From local news station WWBT:

Police say a 23-year-old man living in a mobile home, had a severe showdown with his older brother. The visiting brother came to check on his sibling, after alleged prior arguments and word that the younger brother shot off a gun inside the home.

The older brother told police that when he saw his brother flash his gun, he fired in self-defense.  After he called 911 for himself, the younger brother, still conscious, coughed up one of the bullets while speaking to investigators, police say.

According to the authorities, the younger bro was taken to hospital with non-life threatening injuries (see mom, I didn't even threaten his life, you cannot ground me) and the older brother was taken into police custody.  Presumably he felt bad enough, and that was it's own punishment. However, he was later released without charges.  Police say they are continuing the investigation.

See parents?  This is what happens when you don't make your boys share a gun.  They go and shoot each other in the face.

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Monday, May 19, 2014

Kendall Jenner Wins The Lifetime Award For "Worst Reader"

Time to send Kendall Jenner to the Center For Kids Who Can't Read Good.

It is hard being famous for no reason.  When you literally have no talent other than being the daughter of a person who used to be talented, and the sister of a person who is famous for having a big ass (that everyone saw naked) the pressure can be immense.

You have to keep up appearances on your Instagram by posting sideboob pics, and sometimes (though probably not anymore after last night) the Kardashian of awards shows, (because it doesn't matter) Billboard Music Awards will ask you to present a band's performance.  You will even have to read off of a pre-written teleprompter, even if you cannot read.  Such is the price of fame.


Get Zoolander on the horn.  We have another one for him.


Kendall Jenner is not known for reading.  So on last night's airing of the Billboard Awards, she naturally lived up to her expectations when her teleprompter got away from her.  Jenner attempted to introduce Australian twink boyband 5 Seconds of Summer, (it's totally okay if you don't know who they are).  She accidentally lost her place, then called them One Direction (this is in my opinion totally fine) before giving up entirely and declaring herself, "the worst reader."  Which in this case, she was.





Soon after the Kardashian spin machine once again kicked into gear and came up with another (terrible) excuse for their Klan:




True or not, the irony of someone going to the Billboard Awards without caring about being able to see what's on stage (or read a teleprompter) is oh so perfect.

You know what the best part of this was?  That afterwards, Kendall Jenner didn't trend on Twitter.  That the Twitter universe, the often incredibly racist/ignorant/cynical/idiotic collection of millions of people, didn't find it noteworthy enough to even bother with.  That to all of them, a member of the Kardashian Klan being proven to be stupid was an understood concept.  One not worthy of their 140 characters or time.  Thanks for that Twitter, faith in humanity upheld.




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What The Hell Is Going On In Jay Z And Beyonce's Tour Trailer?

Madness.  That and a whole heaping pile of cliche.

You see aside from an unfortunate elevator incident here,  and an unflattering Super Bowl picture there, Bey and J are like the 1820 presidential campaign of James Monroe: They are winning, unopposed.  They are the modern day Ozzie and Harriet, but with way more talent and a Hell of a lot more swag.

So naturally in their plans to further dominate the world of music, the two have come up with the ultimate idea:  A joint tour that would literally bring couples together in musical harmony.  The "On The Run" tour is a massive idea, and thus a fittingly massive production for two of the biggest stars on the planet.  This tour doesn't need just an announcement, it needs it's own trailer, and here it is:




Jay threatening Don Cheadle, sharing cryptic business moves with Sean Penn in a darkly lit room.  Beyonce telling camp stories with Blake Lively, and completely misunderstanding what a gun is used for.  The absolute disregard for any sort of narrative or cohesion.  Beyonce un-ironically singing cliche repeatedly at the end.   Most of all Jake Gyllenhaal hilariously attempting to brandish a switchblade (a switchblade? is it 1923?) menacingly.  (Seriously, it is at 1:55, if you missed it go back and check it out, it's great.)  This is the stuff of Internet legend already.  Don't like to be in memes B?  Well I am sorry to say, but you and Mr. Carter just made a supercut of them, all readymade in Gif format.

It's a Jeff Koons sculpture crashing into a Hollywood tour bus.  It's an Andy Warhol painting thrown through the window of a country kitchen diner. I am a huge fan of both these two, but oh boy this thing is ridiculous.  

It does however, bring a refreshing sense of levity and comfort though, to know that famous people sometimes have no idea what they are doing.  Just like us regular folk!

From the jump this thing has alarm bells ringing.  This definitely should have been a signal:

Hope you have your curator handy.
Now it was difficult to endure, although probably not in the way that you meant.

There is clearly a lot of uncertainty paired with the production.  I would start to list the questions I had while watching it, but we only have so much time in the day.  Three things, however, are crystal clear:

  • Surprises now lack any semblance of meaning.
  • Actors, no matter how famous, will literally do anything for a paycheck.
  • No amount of money can buy self-awareness.

Clearly this is part of the theme of the tour, two lovers on a crime spree, and the footage will be used in part of the stage show.  But we must thank the stars and baby Blue Ivy that Mr. and Mrs. Carter decided to bestow it onto us free of charge.  I want to go see the show now more than ever.  They have worked their magic on me again, because let's be honest, no matter how hilarious the marketing this tour is going to be crazy.  Either that or it will be a much bigger scale remake of this, either way we all win.


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Sunday, May 18, 2014

Funday: You Already Know

Word up kid.  Back again with the funk is the best Sunday weekly collection of Internet goodness that is the Funday.  You already know, god, nahmean?!  For real.

That was my best Ghostface Killah impersonation in written word form.  Trust me when I say I can do an even better one live and direct.  Why am I doing this?  Trick question dummy!  You don't need a reason to do a Ghostface impression, because he is just that cool.

Exhibit A, B, C, and D.
Perhaps it is because I am super excited for another certain legendary rap group reuniting (which you will see in the music below) that is making me nostalgic.  Or it is just the fact that Ghostface is the best and makes music videos like this:




Yep, your eyes didn't deceive you.  That was indeed Tha God Pretty Tony AKA Tony Starks AKA P Tone AKA Ironman AKA Ghostdini himself wearing a green fur and holding a championship belt.  AND PEOPLE WONDER WHY RAP MUSIC IS SO POPULAR?!?!

Let's go.

Sounds


Cam'Ron f/Juels Santana & A-Trak

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!  I cannot even begin to explain to you how amazing this is.  It is like one day there was no Dipset and the next day it became Christmas in May and out of nowhere Dipset is back! For those of you that don't know, in the early 2000's these guys emerged from Harlem and CHANGED RAP MUSIC FOREVER, then violently imploded.  Just like that though, it's on again, and what a reunion!  Right from the jump the Just Blaze intro (JUST BLAAAZE) this thing is perfect.   Juelz on the hook, Jim in a cameo, Killa Cam rapping his ass off while wearing something you could never pull off.  Hell, they even got a Dame soliloquy at the end!  If you are rap fan it must seem like we just got in a purple time machine and went back 10 years in a flash, this type of stuff gives you chills.  If you are not a rap fan none of this makes sense to you at all, so I will simply say this:  This video made my day, month, year, lifetime, century, and eon all in one fell swoop.





Michael Jackson f/Justin Timberlake


No intention to hate on Justin here, but was he really needed?  Perhaps that's not the real question to be asked here.  Maybe the real question is how was this never released until now?  It is a straight Off The Wall/Thriller era classic sound.  It's good to hear MJ in his prime isn't it?






Fucked Up


So many things about this that rule.  The fact that Fucked Up has that name.  The fact that they are a super rad punk band that seems traditional but really isn't.  The way the song totally will have a bunch of people into it and then totally fake them out and make them hate it.  Because the type of people who like the intro probably will hate the song.  That is pretty punk.







Pictureplane


When I was 13, I was convinced that by the time I hit my 30's the world would totally be like this.  Well, I am not 30 yet, and still waiting for my Johnny Mnemonic future world.  Guess I will still keep waiting patiently while re-watching this video.






Sights

Insterstellar


Christopher "I make movies people love" Nolan is done with superheroes and while it may seem like that is a bad thing, it is not.  This is because his new movie is Science Fiction, and judging from the trailer, this seems to be a good pairing.  Oh, and did I mention Matthew McConaughey and MFing Michael Caine are in it?  Because they totally are.







Idaho Debate Supercut


Man America, for all your problems, when you get something right you often nail it.  Such is the case with the whole, anybody can run for public office thing.  As you will see below, it doesn't even matter what they were running for but the debate between a biker, a curmudgeon, a cowboy, and a "normal guy" is one for Internet history.  Thanks Idaho, for being nuts.







8-Bit Forrest Gump


Looks like Forrest even can tradition to the video game world perfectly.  Should have known.  Please, somebody make this into a game, I am certain I can get the best shrimp collecting score.







Lost in Jellyfish Lake


Get bent Disney World, because Jellyfish Lake is the most magical place in the damn world.







Tarantino Star Wars Film


Got excited there for a minute didn't you?  I sure did, at even the thought of this.  Now if you need to get ahold of me I will be crying my eyes out that the low talent hack Abrams is doing the new movies.  Think of me what you will, I deserve it.







That's it yo, word to your mother.  See you next week fo sho.


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Saturday, May 17, 2014

There Are Mysterious Videos On YouTube That Nobody Can Figure Out

Thousands and thousands of videos uploaded every day, always with the same structure and makeup: 10 slides of shapes, shown over various tones, for 11 seconds.  Nobody has a clue what the videos are, much less who is uploading them.




Just yesterday, the channel, Webdriver Torso, uploaded over a dozen of the strange videos.  The immediate reaction is that these are some sort of prank, but who would go to such lengths to produce a prank that is literally hundreds of strange videos?  The kind of videos that are more akin to Cold War era "number stations" which broadcast radio frequencies that carried spy codes.





Being the Internet though, many attempts have been made to figure this thing out.  Is it an attempt to contact aliens?  All attempts to contact whoever is uploading the videos have failed.  However at one point the internet thought they had figured it out.  Supposedly the videos were being uploaded by a company that wanted to test out video playbacks, but even that proved to be a dead end.

Here's where things get even more strange.  In the nearly 77,000+ videos uploaded by Webdriver Torso, there will occasionally be abnormalities.  One of the videos in the thousands of blue and red shapes features the Eiffel Tower, inexplicably of course.  The channel itself has even commented once with the very cryptic words, "Matei is highly intelligent."




One thing is for sure, watching the videos doesn't give any clues.

However, here is another theory for you.  That somehow Google is behind the whole thing.  If you search "webdriver torso" on YouTube, the entire page would look like this:



Now this doesn't mean Google is behind it all, simply that they are aware of it.  But if you follow YouTube and Google Plus accounts tied to channels which upload similar videos to Webdriver Torso, you will eventually get to Google employees, according to the Daily Dot.

One thing is for sure, whatever it turns out to be, it won't hold up to the mystery.  The Internet is still weird folks, and that is awesome.

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Friday, May 16, 2014

Drunk Man Steals Limo, Takes Passengers On A Ride

Early this past Thursday morning, a drunk man surprised five passengers in an idling limo, when he took the wheel and stole the thing.  Ending up taking the unlucky quintet on a brief joyride through Manhattan before crashing.

Artist's sketch of the suspect.

DNA Infor reports that the limo, a white Lincoln Towncar, was parked in the West Village around 3:15 a.m.  Allegedly, while the driver was away from the wheel, 24-year-old Marwan Elbordiny took it upon himself to take the wheel and steal the thing, driving off with the passengers of the limo still inside.

He even made it several blocks before crashing the thing:

When police arrived, Elbordiny smelled of alcohol and he was flushed, glassy-eyed and unsteady on his feet, the NYPD said. He blew a .181 on a blood alcohol test, more than twice the legal driving limit of .08, police said.

It's unclear whether Elbordiny wanted to try and make some tips, or if he mistakenly thought the limo was the usual giant white Towncar that he drives (this is not true).

Swear to God officer, I drive a car just like this, only shorter.  Thought it was mine.

The passengers were understandably terrified, but okay.


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AOTW: Morning Show Hosts Somehow Can Still Be Bigots

Of all the cities to weigh in on the non-issue that was recently drafted NFL prospect Michael Sam kissing his boyfriend on national television to celebrate, it had to be Dallas.  To add to that it had to be a local morning show called The Broadcast.  

Now, anyone who has seen morning television knows full well by now that it is not a place where one would go for deep and insightful commentary on important issues.  It is morning TV, the whole point of it is to slowly lull your brain out of atrophy after a full night's rest with cooking segments and fluff pieces on celebrities.

However, despite the dirge of intellectual content, most people would not expect a morning show, even in Dallas, to employ a bigot asshole live on television.  Sadly, most people would be wrong, because that is just what The Broadcast has done with Amy Kushnir.

Can you guess which one is the asshole?

This past Tuesday, after being shown the clip of the celebration by Sam for getting drafted, Kushnir was so overwhelmed by disdain that the host, under pressure to explain her bigotry, stormed off the set of the show on live television.

Kushnir tried to shirk her asshole-ness  under the tried-and-untrue "it's being pushed in faces" argument regarding homosexuality before bolting away, shutting down the debate with her three other panelists. She also made sure to include the phrase, "I don't want to see that!"  A pair of statements that not only make her look like an idiot, but also showcase her cowardice.  

Kushnir digging herself a hole:
When parents do not have a choice about whether or not they want their children to see this, it is wrong...I don't call it a moment of celebration...It's being pushed in faces. I don't want to see that. I don't want to see cake in your face, kissing each other.
Here is the entire 9-minute segment, try your best to get through it all:





Here's the thing that is perpetually boggling about dumb assholes like Kushnir, who shares this same mentality with racists and other bigots.  Time and time again they fail miserably to grasp their own notion of "You living your life suppresses my right to oppress you. Free speech for me! My First Amendment! I share your pain!". And they don't get the doublethink in that, or the irony.

You want to call what Kushnir employs homophobia, but there isn't any "phobia" in it.  Phobia implies that you are afraid of something, which she clearly is not.  She merely just exhibits disdain for gay people, enough that a discussion of an openly gay man kissing another man on television is enough to make her storm off the air in anger and disgust, and for that she is definitely an asshole and most certainly a bigot.

Now, of course Kushnir in the fallout of her actions, tried to (weakly) explain herself on another episode of the show that she is somehow still employed at, but her comments did not include "Sorry I am a tantrum-throwing homophobe asshole," so there was no point in posting it.  You can find it yourself if you want to waste your time watching it.

In summation though, it is 2014, and somehow there can still be open bigots on live television, and for that we all lose.  Fuck you Amy Kushnir, you are most deservedly the Asshole of The Week.  Congratulations!

What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine