Wednesday, April 30, 2014

The Onion Is Creating A BuzzFeed Spoof Site And All Is Well Online Again

It is about time.

Although BuzzFeed's terrible lists are already a parody of themselves, and Upworthy's click-baiting was stale before it even became prevalent, the Onion is preparing to launch a new site that intentionally parodies "viral" content.

It's called ClickHole.

Starting out with a little bit of instruction.


Launching this June, the site promises to "put content and sponsored posts side by side, with barely any distinction between them," thereby continuing their unique brand of hilarity.  They also plan to deliver sharable content, including:

  • Quizzes like "Which pizza should I have for dinner tonight? (presented by Pizza Hut)"
  • Uplifting personal tales in list forms: "Seven pricks that defied the odds and didn't go into finance."
  • The aww factor: A video titled "What this adorable little girl says will melt your heart." (It's actually a cogent explanation of how brands monetize adorable little kids, as spoken by an adorable little kid.)
  • And finally, photo slide shows with no words: "Six kinds of hay."

Currently, if you visit the website, ClickHole currently only has one feature:  A button you can practice clicking in anticipation of the site launching in a month.  They definitely want to make sure you'll be ready to go this summer.

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Do Not Be Alarmed The Twerking Suspects Have Been Apprehended

The good people of, (in this particular story unfortunately/hilariously named) Beaverton, Oregon can finally sleep soundly.  The alleged twerkers have been arrested.

This rather interesting crime was the result of one young woman stopping by the town City Hall to pay a fine.  Then allegedly, instead of leaving the grounds of the Hall, the woman and two of her friends were seen twerking outside the building and "exposing themselves."  Coura Valzquez, 20, and her two friends were apprehended and charged with disorderly conduct.

Whoever wrote this mug shot tag, I bet they had a great day.
 But wait, it gets better.

After the performance, City Hall employees witnessed one member of the twerk team, 20-year-old Brittany Medak, taking a wiz between two parked cars.  She was also charged with "offensive littering."

The three women left the scene in the same vehicle.  When police caught up to them in accordance with the twerking/urination incident, they also found,  all together now, meth!  Also, weed and some coke.

Game on state of Florida.

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Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Say Goodnight To Craig Ferguson

Late night television continues to experience shakeups as it was revealed that the various rumors were true.  Ladies and gentlemen, Craig Ferguson, the longtime host of The Late, Late Show and one of the most unique hosts ever to grace late night talk shows, is leaving.  He will be departing CBS at the end of the year.

No more audience interrogations.

Ferguson, who cut out his own slice of late night featuring wacky interviews, madcap segments, and an all around goofier tone has been hosting the show since 2005.  At the end of this year his contract was set to expire, and Ferguson has chosen to step down.

Excerpt from a statement he released:
"CBS and I are not getting divorced, we are 'consciously uncoupling,' but we will still spend holidays together and share custody of the fake horse and robot skeleton, both of whom we love very much," referring to two favorite props on the show.

This announcement of course comes only weeks after David Letterman announced his departure and subsequent retirement from The Late Show in 2015.  It was speculated that Ferguson would not be asked to move up to the 11:35 p.m. slot.  This was confirmed when Stephen Colbert was announced as the new host.

It is unclear whether this is behind the decision by Ferguson.  It is also unclear who the new host to take Ferguson's place will be.  Could it *gasp* be a woman?


What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine

Monday, April 28, 2014

Woman Mistakes Richard Gere For Homeless Man, Tries To Give Him Pizza

Say what you will about Richard Gere's acting ability, but he is at least good at playing a homeless person.  Well, according to one French woman, who while touring New York last week took pity on what she thought was a homeless man, and gave him a slice of pizza.

Mick from Rocky voice*  "You're a bum!"
Gere had been tramping around the town shooting scenes for a new movie, pawing through movie-set garbage cans, and drinking beer on various benches.  The kind woman noticed Gere, somehow not the cameras, and then offered the actor her leftovers.

From the New York Post:

"What's in the bag?" Gere, 64, asked. 
"I tried to tell him in English, but it came out half in French," she said. 
"I said, 'Je suis désolée [I am sorry], but the pizza is cold.' " 
Apparently, millionaire beggars can't be choosers. 
"He said, 'Thank you so much. God bless you,' " Gombeau recalled.

The tourist only found out she had in fact given her slice to a millionaire when her friend later saw the woman's picture in the newspaper.

"I think he's very handsome, even at his age," she told the Post. "Pretty Woman was not my favorite movie, but I ­really loved Chicago."

Typical French, always gotta get that dig in, even when they are being great human beings.  Just kidding Frenchies, you're alright.

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E.T. Found In New Mexico, Video Gamings' Biggest Legend Is True

The jury may still be out on the Unicorn and Leprechaun, but in the world of video gaming, the biggest legend of all has finally been proven once and for all.  It is true folks, E.T. is buried in a New Mexico landfill.

Finally!  I can now sleep at night.

For those that aren't familiar, the popular "legend" is that in 1983, faced with dire financial straights after their latest game was a horrible flop, Atari supposedly buried their bad decisions in the ground.  The company supposedly placed millions of copies of their failed movie tie in game E.T. in the desert rather than actually figure out what to do with the unsold games.  The Atari 2600 version of E.T. is legendary in it's own right as being one of the worst games ever made.  A broken and unplayable mess that was released as a blatant cash grab to snipe some of the huge profits the film garnered upon release.

The legendary burying of the games is the coup de grace for the exploitive and foolish 80's era of video games. A cautionary tale that through horrible design and business decision after decision caused the entire industry to collapse, almost doing away with video games for good.  In a mere couple of decades the once mighty Atari, largely through it's own doing, had gone from a behemoth of the industry that controlled over 80% of the market, to a shell of it's former glory.  Books have been written about the rise and fall.

In the decades since the burying, many skeptics had wondered whether such an extraordinary event could have actually happened.  Even though legitimate news outlets like the New York Times reported on the event back in 1983.

Last year officials in the town of Algamogordo, New Mexico, the site of the supposed dump, approved the excavation.  The plans kicked into motion officially two weeks ago, with Microsoft partnering up with a documentary team to dig up the dirt and film the results.

This past Saturday they found it, E.T.'s home.

He didn't even need a spaceship after all, just a shovel.

Although it is as of yet unclear whether there are actually millions of copies buried in the New Mexico desert (the crew told the Associated Press they had found "hundreds" so far) they intend to keep digging.

Video games people, they sure can be weird.  For those wondering, below is some gameplay from the actual game.  It is a incomprehensible mess, that makes absolutely no sense, as you would expect.




ET phone...the store for a refund.

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Sunday, April 27, 2014

Funday: Funday, Funday Whatcha Gonna Do?

Welcome back once again to Funday ladies and gentlemen, the Internet blog article equivalent of the 1980's "Bad Boy Era" Detroit Pistons.

On a scale of badassness, this article series confidently sits at a Bill Laimbeer.

Speaking of sports, there had to be time cut out of this weekend specifically to make this Funday.  This is what I like to call the "Perfect Playoffs" portion of the year.  The time of the year where I get to sit in a comfortable chair, with a refreshing beverage and some sort of meat, and watch not one but two sets of playoffs action!

One one side we have the second season of the best sport (basketball) and on the other the sport most likely to erupt into physical violence that is not UFC (which is hockey).

What I am trying to get at is that for one time in the year, I transform into the utter definition of stereotypical "sportsman" if you will.  Yelling at my television at high volumes, face covered in some sort of delicious sauce, while I watch millionaires attempt to place a ball/puck into a place other millionaires wouldn't be to happy with said ball/puck going.

Don't get me wrong, for the rest of the year I like sports, but this part of it I get to really like sports.  On top of all that, I can look out the window and it's nice outside.  I would even think of opening it up, if there wasn't gonna be so much yelling.

So to celebrate this magical time of year, let's have a Funday.  What do you say?!

Sounds

Real Estate


Now, I already featured this song here, but that was before what is possibly the best music video of the past few years was made for it.   Director Tom Scharpling is a comedic genius, and so is Andy Day playing a cash strapped Tom Scharpling so hard up that he has to whore out his video concept to three people, and also the (fake) Westboro Baptist Church.  The end result?  A video with undead Blood Lords skaters, a lesson in nostalgia, sculptures, and even Nick Kroll.  Just watch it already.





The Menzingers


Maybe Jason just needed to find a way to get some self esteem.  Perhaps that quizzical puppy head tilt he always did before he rammed his machete through a teen's face was in some way his cry for help.  Think of what some counseling could have done, so many lives could have been saved.





Jack White


Well, it is officially the period after Jack White proved to no one in particular that he could make a #1 album without a fake sister or Brendan Benson.  Everybody already knew that right?  Regardless, after he has that accomplishment in the bag, now he can get real off the walls.  Start talking about his veins, and Detroit, while ramming a Deep Purple-esque solo down our throats.  This is exciting.






Duck Sauce


Look, the informercial themed music video is super played out.  However, like anything, when it works it still works.  Perhaps this is due to the incredibly photogenic reactions of A-Trak and Armand Van Helden.  Never before have two EDM producers been better at appearing on camera than these two.






Kool AD f/ Lakutis and Mr Muthafuckin Exquire


Not much to this one.  Just three of the most oddly charismatic and beasts on the microphone once again coming straight outta the underground to lace the beat. Lakutis makes the best faces.  Seriously though, if you like rap at all, go find everything the three of these guys have ever done.  I mean just by their names you gotta know that they are all gonna be awesome.





Sights

Adventure Time With Action Bronson


This man is legit my hero.  If you don't get it, you are living your life too seriously.  Oh, and before you ask, here is part 1.






Hockey Kid


Say what you will about hockey fans, the game means a lot to them.  Even when they are little kids.  Such is the case of one lucky youngster who was given the stick of Grand Rapids Griffins player Jordan Tootoo, and then freaks out.  Also, "TOOTOO" is a great thing for a kid to yell out excitedly.






Winner Stays


Nike pulls out the big guns for the road to the World Cup.  Nutmegs abound as the biggest athletes in the world that most of your friends never heard of do their thing.  We even get one American featured, can you guess who?  The banner yet waves.






Boyhood Trailer


It is time Richard Linklater got his due, and if this doesn't do it nothing will.  There has never been a movie like this, and maybe never will again.  Shot over 12 years, we get to literally see the star grow up before our eyes.  That alone is worth the ticket price.






Star Wars Bad Foley


What do you get when you take Star Wars and replace the iconic sound with Hudson Hongo's mouth?  Something that being a known lover of things that are dumb, nearly has me in tears.  Also, the cantina tune is a strange choice but oddly fitting.  A bar full of scumbags would totally play "Free Bird."






That's all for this week people.  Enjoy the sports.

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Friday, April 25, 2014

AOTW: They May Be Marathon Runners But They Are Still Assholes

After the tragedy of last year's race, everyone wanted to run in the Boston marathon this year.  So much so that the race expanded it's field by more than a third to 36,000 in hopes to accommodate everyone.  Regardless, the whole thing still sold out, even with the whole having to pay to participate detail.

So four runners decided to skip these details and enter the race anyway, claiming finishing medals that weren't rightly theirs.

Why?  Because they are assholes.

They are also all wearing headbands.  Coincidence?!

Kara Bonneau is not one of the four people above.  Bonneau is a North Carolina native who entered the race correctly, finishing in just over 3 hours and 31 minutes.  Bonneau is in this sense not an asshole, although you could accuse her of being a bit naive.  You see, being a member of the society of 2014, Bonneau posted pictures of her legally attained bib on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

Can you see where this is going?

Bonneau:

"I posted [my bib] on Instagram. It never occurred to me that people would do this.  I contacted the marathon and they said there's nothing they could do, and that these things happen," she said.

Bonneau believes that a copy of her bib was made off of one of the myriad social networks she posted on.  She believes that it was probably Instagram.  This was discovered when she went to check the photos of her race online and instead saw the assholes above.

Now there are two scenarios for this race fraud.  The first being that the foursome bought their fake bibs off of Craigslist from another more potent asshole.  Thereby they didn't actually steal anything, but just participated willingly in a theft.

The second, and more likely, is that Boston is expensive and some college students wanted to jump in the race, a common occurrence known as "banditing."  However, when this year's pepped up security wouldn't let that kind of thing fly, they scoured social media to find the best front on bib photo, took to Photoshop, and voila.

Bonneau has taken back to social media to this time help her solve her problem, by posting the assholes' picture to Facebook.  The post has since gone viral, and Big River Running store owner Matt Helbig says he has circulated the picture of the woman wearing his store's singlet to his employees.

"They took medals away from people that paid to be there," Bonneau said. "It's just not right."

Congratulations you four, you are a quartet of running assholes, and the Internet will find you.

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10-Year-Old Colorado Kids Caught Dealing Pot

Can you hear Fox News sharpening their knives?

This week four 10-year-olds were caught buying and selling their grandparents' pot on a playground in Colorado this week.  One young entrepreneur even made $11.

Before you ask, no they did not have an adorable "Weed Stand," unfortunately.

Just a few days after the state's first legal 4/20, this past Tuesday one boy was caught after successfully selling a bag of weed, stolen from his grandparents, to three other fourth grade classmates at his school's playground.  According to CNN, the kids split the bag for $11.  However, when one couldn't come up with his share (typical, probably didn't get allowance yet) he offered a trade.  He would provide as payment one of his grandparents edibles in exchange.

What I have learned so far, grandparents in Colorado must be really cool.

The dealer is reported to have taken a bite of the edible, but suffered no harmful effects.  The students were busted when another student saw their dealings and notified teachers (again, typical 10 year old snitches).

In a letter that went home with the students, the safety director of the school district John Gates said:

"We urge all parents, grandparents and anyone who cares for children to treat marijuana as you would prescription drugs, alcohol or even firearms. This drug is potentially lethal to children, and should always be kept under lock and key, away from young people."

Lethal to productivity maybe...

Hey, at least all these kids are spending time with their grandparents.

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Thursday, April 24, 2014

Call of Duty Player Calls SWAT Team on His Opponent

A SWAT team descended on a house in Long Island this past Tuesday in response to a rather troubling Skype call they received claiming:

"I just killed my mother and I might shoot more people."

However, the caller wasn't actually a killer.  He was just a salty individual angry about a teenager beating him at Call of Duty.  Yes, everyone who has ever played Call of Duty, those jokes you made about doing insert here to the people have finally actually become reality.

Real life killstreak incoming.  No one got that joke.

After Rafael Castillo, 17, won an online match in a video game that is intended to be made purely for entertainment.  His opponent, who apparently takes video games, a thing that literally has "games" in the title descriptor of it, lost the match.  This made him angry.  So angry in fact that the than "swatted" Castillo, reporting a fake multiple murder at his address so police would show up.

Multiple murder, in the eyes of law enforcement, is a serious thing.  So the police did show up, which led to a two hour standoff.  This included more than 60 officers, and a special operations team, surrounding the house with weapons drawn, as helicopters took position overhead.

Castillo's mother and brother stepped outside with their hands up, insuring the police that they were indeed not murdered.  However, to make sure the police still needed Rafael to come out, being that he was the person they thought made the threats.  Rafael however, was oblivious to this all, as he was...wait for it...still playing Call of Duty with his headphones on.

It took another 20 minutes to get him outside, at which point the police entered the house and confirmed that no one was dead.

Now their sights are set on another gamer, the one who caused all of this.  They suspect he is, "probably an evil little kid."  Odds are, they're right.


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Fisherman Loses Record 805 Pound Shark, Because He Ate It

Florida fisherman Joey Polk earlier this month became a record breaker when he caught an 805 pound mako shark, which is apparently a new Land-Based Shark Fishing Association (which is a thing) record.  Except then he didn't break the record with the shark, because he ate it.

Record or not, this guy is about to be delicious!

After catching the monster, Polk decided to celebrate with his buddies, and the best way they decided was to have a seafood feast on the 11-foot predator.

Now, it is not illegal at all to eat a shark, however the ILSFA, which governs the record keeping, frowns on you eating your record breaker.  Probably something to do with the whole documentation thing.  Straight from their website:

"As of January 1st of 2012, the ILSFA will no longer promote or accept record applications for sharks not released."

Polk says he would have released the shark but, "he was too tired to swim."  So rather than drown it in a ridiculous case of irony, they decided to chow down.

As for the current record holder, who himself caught and ate a 725 pound mako back in 2009 (before the rule went into effect) his name is Earnie Polk.  He also is Joey's cousin.

As for Joey, he doesn't even care about the record.  He just likes catching monster sharks.

Polk to the New York Daily News:


"That's why we decided to keep him. We don't do it for the money, for the publicity, just to catch the fish."

What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Hey It Looks Like Goonies 2 Is Gonna Happen

The ultimate in nostalgia cash in wet dreams just might be actually happening.  That's right folks, 30 years later we might have a legitimate Goonies II.  This isn't a rumor this time, but straight from the mouth of the man behind the original, director Richard Donner.

Much like the fabled ship in the original, for a long time the Goonies sequel rumor has kicked around the movie world for decades, but never before have they been so concrete in nature.  This is compounded by interest from the original cast members Sean Astin, Josh Brolin, and Corey Feldman.  Which given the status of the majority of their career statuses respectively, makes a whole lot of sense.

Fuck the movie, I will take the poster and be happy.

Now sit back and take in another tidbit of juicy details, as according again to Donner, none other than Steven Spielberg is behind the sequel's story.  Spielberg was behind the story of the original film, which may provide assurance to some Goonies purists, which with the Internet being a thing, there certainly are.

So far the plan is that the sequel will also take place 30 years later,  and feature the children of the original gang, probably on an adventure.  Now, if you are a fan of the original, (and if you have a beating heart you should be) you probably have some questions.  Here are some of my immediate ones:


  • Will this be good Spielberg (Jurrassic Park) or real bad Spielberg (AI)?
  • Aren't any kids cast ultimately going to be terrible compared to the OG cast?
  • What the hell is the story going to be?
  • Will Sloth have kids too?
  • How long before the assuredly cringeworthy throwback to the Truffle Shuffle?
  • WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS?


Send your questions to S.Spielberg@Hollywood.com and while you wait for a response try to think how Hollywood will handle this.


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The Gameboy Is 25 Years Old

Holy smokes, the Gameboy can rent a car.  Now everyone who is 25 and older sit back and have the realization that you are older than the Gameboy.  Not the Gameboy Color, not the Gameboy Advance, but this thing:

Look at that box art!  Better days.
Okay, now run to the nearest teenager and tell them about how you used to play black and green Tetris on a device that would never fit in your pocket.  Or better still, tell them how you have video game systems that are older than them.  They'll love it.  It's alright, we can wait...

As of this past Monday April 21, the beloved brick that almost everybody had came out in 1989.

Quick Pop Culture rundown of the time:


  • OG George H.W. Bush became president, succeeding Ronald Reagan
  • Current total asshole Chris Brown and total annoying popstress Taylor Swift were born
  • "Like A Prayer" was the biggest single on the charts 
  • Coach and Arsenio Hall hit the television screens


Clearly 1989 was a different time, where gaming could finally be done on the go, provided you had a healthy supply of AA batteries.  Seriously though, Gameboy changed the face of video games, at least until smart phones came around.

Let's hit the charts and check out some numbers!


  • To date Nintendo has sold 118.69 million handheld units along with 501.11 million units of software
  • The Gameboy Advance, the successor to the OG Gameboy released in 2001, has sold 81.5 million units worldwide
  • The next iteration, the DS, went on to sell over 153 million units across the globe
  • The latest handheld the 3DS continues the trend at nearly 43 million systems sold


So in other words, Mario is sleeping well at night.

So go turn on your Gameboy, it still works, and give it a pat on the battery pack.  Happy birthday Gameboy!

Obligatory rad 1989 Gameboy first television commercial:




1989.

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Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Man On Trial For Murder Worried His "MURDER" Tattoo Will Hurt Case

Most people, well, regular people, get tattoos for specific reasons.  They enjoy the cool artwork, or the ink on their skin symbolizes a person/place/thing in their life that they ascribe meaning to.  This is the general consensus on why someone would choose to mark their body for their lifetime, that they enjoy whatever they have put on their skin.

So naturally given this consensus, you could see why a man on trial for murder would be worried that the giant "MURDER" tattoo on his neck might give the jury and prosecution the wrong idea.  That is exactly what is happening in the first-degree murder case of one Kansas man, who is trying to get the government to do something about his very unfortunate tattoo before the trial begins.

Ladies and gents, meet the poster child for tattoo regret.  Also general regret.

The first-degree murder case against Jeffrey Chapman is scheduled to being next week.  Prosecutors say Chapman killed a man in 2011, leaving the body behind in a roadside ditch for hunters to discover.

According to the Associated Press, Chapman's attorney is seeking to have the state bring in a tattoo artist to cover up or obscure the giant "MURDER" ink.  Prosecutors however, say no.  Pointing to the fact that in Kansas, tattoo artists are only allowed to operate within a licensed facility, and despite all the amateur work being done inside, a prison is not one of these facilities.

Chapman claims the tattoo is irrelevant to the case, and unduly prejudicial to jurors.  Although given the neck tattoo I would bet he didn't word it like that.  Although, prosecutors agree, suggesting he wear a bandage or turtle neck to court.

The teardrop though, everybody is cool with that one.



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Man Crowdfunds Penis Surgery For His Tortoise

There was a time before stupid watches, and Zach Braff movies where optimists were certain that crowdfunding could change our world.  It would democratize product development, change the way we invest, and most importantly help provide tortoises much needed penis surgery.  That dream ladies and gentlemen, is real.

Desperate times require desperate measures.  Such is the case of one Bristol, U.K. man named Miles Jelfs and his pet tortoise Cedric.  You see after Jelfs adopted Cedric, he discovered that his new pet was afflicted by an infection of the cloaca, the universal hole for the tortoise, which they use for urination, mating, and defecation.  Cedric needed surgery, or he would suffer excruciating pain, and possibly even die.

If your penis did all those things, you would want help too.

Jelfs on the situation:

"I took him straight to the vets and they said he needed this operation pretty quickly."

However, it wouldn't be that easy, as the operation would set him back a cool 150 quid ($251) and Jelfs just didn't have it laying around.

Jelfs again:

"I'm not very well off and I don't come from a very affluent family, and I don't have a lot of disposable income. It will be causing him a lot of pain and you can tell when he walks that it is not very comfortable for him, poor little guy."

So he did what someone with a computer and adequate knowledge of the Internet would do.  He took to the web to raise the funds to fix his tortoise's broken penis.

Unsurprisingly, like many other incredibly strange things that shouldn't be named here, the Internet is totally into tortoise peen.  In just 4 days, Jelfs managed to raise 505 pounds, double what he asked for.

So thanks to the Internet fortunately Cedric will yet live, and pain free in the bathing suit area.  Unfortunately, a full checkup found Cedric will need an amputation of "the affected area," but is too small to undergo the surgery right now. He's been put on a regimen of supplements so he can bulk up enough to go under the knife.

As for any excess money Jelfs raises after paying for the supplements and operation, he says it will go to charity.


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Monday, April 21, 2014

Runaway Teen Survives 5 Hour Flight In Plane Wheel Well

Need to get somewhere fast, but don't have any money?  Do you not mind absolutely risking your life, and most likely being killed?  Well we have got a travel option for you!  Simply break into an airport tarmac, and stuff yourself into the landing gear of a plane.  Voila!  Free trip, if you are alive when you get there.

Seriously though, don't do that.  You probably won't be as lucky as the 16-year-old boy who somehow survived a 5 hour flight across the Pacific Ocean, from San Jose to Maui, all while stowed away in a passenger jet's wheel well.

Welcome to Maui sir, your ambulance awaits.

Oh, and if you choose to do something like this (seriously don't) you will also meet new friends.  Like the FBI and spokesman Tom Simon.  Simon to the Associated Press:

"Kid's lucky to be alive."

According to Simon, the teen whose name has not been released, jumped a fence at the San Jose airport after running away from home.  He then wondered around the airport tarmac until he found his ride, a plane.  Although he didn't have a ticket, that was no problem as he climbed up into the wheel well to hitch a ride.

The trip for the teen would however not be classified as "first class."  Or even "scum class."  The teen spent most of 2,400 mile flight in freezing temperatures, the flight's cruising altitude was 38,000 feet.  A height that provides "limited" oxygen, and definitely no in-flight meals.

Simon again:

"He was unconscious for the lion's share of the flight.  Doesn't even remember the flight. It's amazing he survived that."

Upon arriving in Hawaii, authorities detained and questioned the teenager after they found him wandering the Maui airport tarmac without identification.  After a medical exam, where he somehow was without any injuries, he was released to child protective services.  He won't be charged with a crime.

So remember, next time you are stuck on the tarmac for 30 minutes, at least you aren't in the landing gear.


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Bunnies Behave Like Bunnies And Bang On Local News Easter Broadcast

A local news station decided to add some cute to it's coverage this Easter, and bring in a pair of bunnies to do what they do best, deliver eggs to children and bring candy and joy to kids.  However, they forgot the original thing that bunnies do best, the thing that has given them a perpetual comparison to any other animals that like to bang furiously.

We are gonna keep it real, no matter what.

Knoxville, Tennessee's WBIR-TV had to cut to some family-friendly programming after the two furry guests started getting down right there on top of the desk.  They knew, if you are that cute, you can get away with anything.

It's going to be real awkward when the babies of these two rabbits have to find out that not only were they conceived on live television.  But there is a sextape of their conception.  Sorry about that baby bunnies, but at least you'll still be adorable.

If anything, congratulations to the news team for making the rabbits feel so comfortable.  Overly so.

Check out the video below:



Happy Easter!

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Funday: Rabbits, Jesus, and Mary Jane Make For An Easter Funday

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Clam down everybody, it is Funday, and it's a good thing too.  That's because we are in dire need of some calm soothing Internet being that today is so many days wrapped into one.  It is time to celebrate, time to raise up what we believe in, and by that I mean it is 4/20.  Also it's Easter...and...Hitler's birthday?

So...awkward....

Sooooo...eggs?


That's why Funday is here, to keep an even keel on this day of celebration!  So no matter whether you are praising Jesus or putting that spliff to yo' lips, Funday is here to join in.  Unless you are celebrating Hitler, because what the fuck?!

So let's do a special Funday multi celebration!  Light up some kush while you look at a picture of Jesus simultaneously petting a rabbit, eating a chocolate egg, and pissing on a picture of Hitler.

There, that should cover all our bases.

Sounds

Diarrhea Planet

I must admit I first heard this band's name and dismissed them.  For that, I want to go on record proclaiming that I am forever an idiot.  Some people say your band has to have a cool name to be cool.  Some people say that four guitars is too many.  Some people say that songs have to be over 3 minutes.  Diarrhea Planet say fuck those people!  Every single thing about this band is rad, including their so bad it's good name.  You may hate their music, but you'll remember that name.  Also, this music video is the kind of right on the nose genius that I cannot believe no one has done before.  Got a song called "Babyhead"?  Then make a video where everyone superimposes their heads on babies.  All around class.






Chet Faker

Speaking of names, this guy has a great one.  If you don't get it, get on Google, replace the "F" with a "B" and get cultured you degenerate.  Then come on back and listen to this totally rad Melbourne based singer/producer.  It may be called "1998" but you are gonna feel like you are straight in some seedy 80's house music blasting underground club.  Well done.






Lana Del Rey

I am not gonna say that I don't understand why people hate on Lana Del Rey.  I get it, I totally get it.  She's overly pouty, sometimes her live shows are terrible, most of her videos are black and white.  I understand why people get angry.  However, to those people I say you can fuck right the hell off.  I dig her, so here she is on my weekly feature.  It's cool to tell people you like music, don't be scared that they might judge you.  If they do, see three sentences ago.  This song is good, it also helps that Black Keys main man Dan Auerbach is producing.






Black Keys

Speaking of Dan Auerbach...(KILLING the segue ways this week) the Black Keys have a new song and album coming, and who would've thought that this band would become one of the biggest rock bands in the world?  That's not saying they aren't awesome, (that's universally understood) but there was a time when I stood in a crowd of 80,000 people and watched them kill it.  Who knew so many people liked blues?  






Sky Ferreira

It sure is a shame that the best song on her album will probably be remembered for being associated with a possibly racist music video, which supposedly was meant only as an exorcize in fun.  I am not sure if I buy that notion that it was totally not meant to invoke any sense of provocation.  However, there is, to me, a sense of fun here that overwhelms anything else.  That and it is an absolute jammin' song. 






Sights

Brother Bets- Street Dancing

Muah! This is some delicious Internet right here.  Some Grade A choice cut Internet.  Savor it, work it around your mouth.  Then ask for seconds.






Honey Badger Houdini

Fuck what you heard from the Internet.  Honey badgers really are not taking any crap from anybody.  Especially a punk ass human trying to hold them down.  They aren't built for the life of a prisoner, and they are gonna do whatever it takes to bust out this thang.  





100 Peep Challenge

Hey it's Easter, so let's take a bad idea and put it on the Internet.





Scientifically Accurate Spongebob

It's just another day here at Bikini Atoll, the nuclear test site.  Full of hermaphrodite sponges, homicidal octopuses, and a best friend that could eat you at any moment.  Not saying regular Spongebob isn't good, but I would enjoy a show based around this concept.





That's it for this one kids.  Now get on out there and find some eggs that you hid.  You are gonna need all the time you can get for how high you will be.  Happy Easter everybody!

Bonus: Inexplicable clip of Usher wishing his Xbox happy Easter



See you next week!





Friday, April 18, 2014

Family Trapped In Bedroom By Cat Leads To Amazing 911 Call

The inevitable war against man and nature has begun.  What has surely started small will soon spread to the animal kingdom rising up against humanity.

Sunday night a man was forced to call 911 after his 22-pound cat attacked his baby and trapped his entire family, including the world's most worthless dog, in their bedroom.  As you can guess, this lead to the best 911 call in recent memory.

Oh to be the person whose job is to transcribe a cat on a 911 call recording.

The cat can clearly be heard throughout the call, loudly meowing (as a taunt?).

Cat owner Lee Palmer talking to the 911 dispatcher:

"[The cat] trying to attack us — he's very hostile. He's at our door; he's charging us.  When I leave this room to let the police in, I'm going to have to fight this cat."

Earlier in the evening the cat attacked Palmer's seven month old son,  scratching the child.  Palmer chased the giant cat-a Himalayan- away, but this only made things worse.

"I kicked the cat in the rear, and it has gone over the edge," he told the dispatcher.

As round two began, the family staged a tactical retreat into the family bedroom and tired to call animal services.  When this failed, it was on to 911.  Portland police soon arrived and trapped the cat in a snare.  Everyone escaped unharmed.

"Deny me catnip again! I dare you!"

So what happens now?  A man and cat armistice? Palmer to the Oregonian:

"We are debating what to do.  We definitely want to keep (the cat) away from the baby and keep an eye on his behavior. I swear I have never seen anything like it."

Don't worry, here's the call:





Meow.

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AOTW: Texting Driver Hits Cyclist, Does Not Care For Human Life

Hold tight to your computer or phone, because you may have an urge to smash/throw it out the nearest window after this one.  Here we go, you are warned.

A texting motorist who slammed into a cyclist and injured his spine told police she is regretful, that the man dented her car.

This is a real person, who hit another person with a vehicle.

Just hit a person...but first LEMME TAKE A SELFIE!
Can you guess the age of Kimberly Davis?  Did you guess that she was 21?  Bingo!

According to her phone records, the young woman was texting with seven other people as she drove her car through the small town of Koroit, in western Victoria, Australia.  Police say she used her phone a total of 44 times during her trip.

Then, around 7:20 pm, she hit a person riding a bicycle from behind, somehow failing to see the warning lights he had posted on the front and back of his bike.  Since she was so good at using her phone, she did call emergency responders.  However, then she refused to help him despite his requests, and left him lying on the side of the road.

Here are her actual comments to the police, according to the Standard:

"I just don't care because I've already been through a lot of bullshit and my car is like pretty expensive and now I have to fix it." 
"I'm kind of pissed off that the cyclist has hit the side of my car. I don't agree that people texting and driving could hit a cyclist. I wasn't on my phone when I hit the cyclist."

I remind you here, please do not damage your own electronic devices in a fit of rage, it will not harm Ms. Davis.  No matter how much you wish it to.

Davis was fined $4,500 and lost her license for nine months.  The cyclist suffered a spinal fracture requiring surgery and the use of a spinal cage.  You don't need to look that up to know you don't want to have a spinal cage.

Kimberly Davis, it is by now clear that on the scale of human decency, you rate as high as "human piece of garbage."  At most.

However, the fact that you would actually make comments like that on record to the police means that not only are you an awful human being, but you are also unbelievably stupid.

For that you are this week's Asshole of The Week.  Fuck you very much.


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Thursday, April 17, 2014

Man Receives Postcard Sent In 1940

Insert your Postal Service joke here.

People say the mail is slow.  How slow is it?  Well, two days ago an Oregon man named Alan Marion received a postcard sent from Portland.  However, it wasn't actually addressed to him, but to his great-grandmother Florence.  That's because it was postmarked February 20, 1940.  As in the period where there was a World War going on.

Wish you were here?

The postcard actually arrived to the post office in Butte Falls, Oregon in July of last year (still time to get that Postal Service joke in) but it took an employee named Sunny Bryant along with the help of a woman named Charleen Brown almost 10 moths to find a relative of Florence Marion.

Since it was a post card, they read it many times over in their pursuit of delivery.  The postcard itself, which shows a large ship in the Philippines' Manilla Bay, reads as follows:

"Arrived in Portland at 8 o'clock. Having a fine time. Be home sometime Sat. — Blanche."

So not the most urgent message, but still, nice to know Blanche made it okay.

As for the reason why it took so long?  Sorry, nobody has a clue.  It will probably never be figured out why it took the card 70 years to make it to someone named Marion.  So far the working theory is that it was placed in a drawer somewhere, not unlike all those thank you notes you meant to send, and never mailed until someone picked it up at an auction or yard sale.

So, if you want to tell your great-grandchildren something, go ahead and put it in the mail now.


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Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Woman Didn't Steal Your Car, But Her Mom Might Have

Here is the contents of a flier posted in the Red Hook section of Brooklyn:

"I didn't steal your car but I think my mom may have. It's a long story. I'll explain, but your car is safe and sound."

Well, that's a relief...wait a damn minute!

Good thing I saw this flyer, because I was walking...because my car was stolen!

It all started when Nekisia Davis flew her mom up to New York to dogsit for her in her apartment.

While Davis and two of her friends took a trip to Florida, mom was supposed to care for the Pomeranian.  Also, this being NYC, she was also asked to move the groups' three cars for them, which were: a Fiat, a CRV, and a green Honda.

Mom, being a helpful mother and content to complete her tasks, did just that.  Only she got the wrong green Honda, and the answer to the question "Do the keys to similar cars work with any car?" came out as a resounding yes.

Now Davis has posted fliers gleaning what information she could from the contents of the vehicle to try and get it back to whoever actually owns it.  She also contacted the police.

Perhaps expect a call over a text or email.
Although the police have not been as helpful as she may have hoped.

Davis:

"I called the cops. They were like, 'I'm sorry, this sounds suspicious, and I don't really believe you."

A detective has promised to look into the case.

Anyway, if you are in Brooklyn, and are missing one green Honda,  there you go.  You have been a victim of mistaken cardentity.

What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine

True Detective Meets Sunday Morning Comics Then Things Get Bleak

Rest assured world, there is now a Tumblr for anything even remotely considerable.  Which can only be the conclusion when it is revealed that the mashup of the bleakest of bleak HBO properties has collided with Sunday newspaper comic strips.

I have never really been a big fan of Family Circus, as far as one panel comics go, I have always been more of a Marmaduke kind of guy.  However though, it seems the gaping maws and jet black, soulless eyes are more than fitting for another use.  They fit right in with Nick Pizzolatto's  nihilistic, grim dialogue from the best television show to only have eight episodes, True Detective.


I used to like the funny papers, until my life became an unclean toilet.
The two properties have become an unlikely, but perfect pair on the equally perfectly named Tumblr Time Is A Flat Circus.  It will make absolutely no sense to Circus fans, but fans of the gripping HBO drama are going to see the world of children as a much more grim affair, and love it.

Check out some choice selections below, and if you aren't already a fan of True Detective, go borrow an HBO go password and come on back in 8 hours:







Next up, Blondie meets Game of Thrones.  


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Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Man Sentenced To 18 Months In Prison For Pissing On Alamo

There may be no basement in the Alamo, but there definitely is an amount of serious history.  Some history that Texans might just take a little bit too seriously.  As this past Monday, a man was sentenced to 18 months in state prison for peeing on the Alamo.

And no, it wasn't Ozzy this time...unlucky for him
As reported in The Smoking Gun, an Alamo Ranger found 23-year-old Daniel Athens standing in a "chained off area [of the Alamo] not open to the public" in April 2012. A clearly drunk Athens made "the motions of putting his penis back in his pants"; later, "a puddle on the original mortar of the Shrine" was spotted near where Athens had been standing.  An open and shut (fly) case apparently.

Athens pleaded guilty to a criminal mischief charge in February, and by doing so avoided the maximum sentence of two years.  He is unfortunately ineligible for parole and so he will serve the full 18 months.  This is along with a $4,000 fine.  Clearly, you do not piss on the Alamo, unless you are a famous rockstar, then it's all good.

Famous monument, famous piss only.
Why is urinating on the Alamo such a serious offense?  This has to do with the construction of the old fort:

Urinating on the 250-year-old "Shrine of Texas Liberty" can cause damage to the landmark since the Alamo's "limestone absorbs the salt and then pushes the salt out. When the salt gets pushed out so does the face of the limestone and through this process the urine contributes to the eroding of the limestone," police reported.

What a pisser.


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Champagne And Viagra Ice Cream Is Now A Reality

It is 2014, and I say it's about time that a British ice cream maker has through food managed to simulate the thrill of popping bottles while popping a boner with a new flavor called The Arousal.  Key ingredients to the ice cream: Champagne and Viagra.

Whatever you do, don't get a brain freeze, or you'll die.

Ice cream maker Charlie Harry Francis of (in this case inappropriately named) Lick Me I'm Delicious on his new concoction:

"Each ball. Of ice cream. Is dosed with 25mgs of Viagra and is flavoured with bubbly champagne. Lovely."

The ice cream was apparently created in an attempt to satisfy an "A-list" celebrity client who wanted something special for a party.  Because where else would you have ice cream like this?  According to Francis, the guests were "very happy" with the end product.  To which I must ask, even the women?

Don't get excited for a Ben and Jerry's "Tipsy Chubby" to be hitting stores anytime soon.  The drug is still technically prescription only, even in the swinging U.K.  Although an NHS program in northern England allows doctors to sell it to men after a brief assessment.

This isn't the first time that Francis has experimented with ice cream.  In the past he has created a raspberry mojito dark port and stilton, roast beef and horseradish, and a flavor made with jellyfish proteins that glows in the dark when you lick it.  Vanilla, doesn't seem to be in his vocabulary, in any concept.


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Monday, April 14, 2014

Casino Says Gambler Cheated It Out Of $10 Million

Who is the sore loser now?

Apparently the Borgata Casino, who is claiming that one of the most famous poker players in the world cheated them out of close to $10 Million using a technique called edge sorting.  Now they are suing him for it.

You let it get to $10 million before getting mad?
The suit against nine time World Series of Poker champion Phillip Ivey Jr. was filed last Tuesday in federal court.  The casino accuses Ivey of exploiting a factory defect on the cards themselves, which they posit gave him an unfair advantage.  This was done when he allegedly noticed that some of the cards used in the casino had different edges.

According to the Associated Press:


The lawsuit claims that Ivey and his companion instructed a dealer to flip cards in particular ways, depending on whether it was a desirable card in baccarat. The numbers 6, 7, 8 and 9 are considered good cards. Bad cards would be flipped in different directions, so that after several hands of cards, the good ones were arranged in a certain manner - with the irregular side of the card facing in a specific direction - that Ivey could spot when they came out of the dealer chute.

The cards, which were manufactured by The Gemaco, Inc.  were supposed to feature circles that looked like the tops of cut diamonds.  However, some of the diamonds varied in shape, leading to the defect.  This is alleged by the suit.

According to the AP, the Golden Nugget Casino has already filed suit against Gemaco, claiming gamblers were able to walk away with $1.5 million.

See the difference there Borgata?  The Golden Nugget sues the card manufacturer, not the person who exploited the cars you were using to gain money.  Card counting is one thing, and this is something different.  

What I am saying is, let him walk!


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Colorado Gets First Pot Vending Machine, America Still Continues To Function

Remember just a little over six months ago, when the nation was in the grips of debate over whether Colorado would become a new age Sodom if weed was legalized?  No?  Well they got legal weed anyway, and now they have pot vending machines.

No need to rub your eyes potheads, this is really happening.

You think it takes them a while to choose a soda...
Friday night in Avon, Colorado (which I really hope stoners have nicknamed "Smokeford Upon Avon") a giant green machine was wheeled onto the patio of Montana's Smokehouse in preparation for the unveiling of the state's first weed vending machine Saturday afternoon.

While not yet in use the ZaZZZ machine will provide the masses with edibles, at a convenient location, with ease.

Here is the point where you could make a joke about how long it will take before someone is crushed under one of these, but the only people using them will be too peaceful to even think of shaking it.

Is there a catch?  Of course!  Only licensed medical marijuana cardholders can access the edibles within, and a valid ID will be scanned and verified. But barring that, the green goodies will flow. 

As American Green founder Stephen Shearin put it:
"Many people could look at this and say that's just a vending machine, and they'd be right but mostly wrong."

That's like, your opinion, man.

Weed vending machines are believe it or not not a new thing.  The Huffington Post reported last June that California employs their own vending machines.  However the difference here is that the one's in Cali are limited to inside dispensaries and are limited to be used only by "budtenders."  The ZaZZZ machine can be accessed by anyone (that has a medical marijuana card).

Bruce Bedrick, CEO of Medbox, another weed vending machine company that has been operating as part of the niche market in California, told HuffPo:
"Some people want to see this free-flowing marijuana. They want to go from federal and state ban to marijuana for everybody. We don't believe that can happen. In order to gain respect and trust, it's better to go through gradual, medical adoption."
Far out.


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