Monday, March 31, 2014

Drunk Woman Arrested After Bragging About Passing Breathalyzer On Facebook

Facebook over-sharing.  It can be a problem, some would say it's an epidemic.  Sure, Facebook exists as a way for you to share your life with those you deem "friends."  However, there are just some things that you should keep to yourself, no matter how many hypothetical LOL's they might garner.

This is what a 22-year-old who was on probation for a drunk driving charge found out when she thought she had fooled investigators by passing a breathalyzer test after a night of drinking.  She probably could have gotten away with it too, if she would have just stayed off of Facebook.  More importantly, if she wouldn't have bragged about it.


Mugshot selfie!!! LOL!!!

Colleen Cudney was called in to take a random breathalyzer on the day after St. Patrick's Day, as part of her probation.  After miraculously passing, she did what came naturally and took to social networks to discuss her beating the system.

She wrote:
"Buzz killer for me, I had to breatalyze this morning and I drank yesterday but I passed thank god lol my dumbass."
Her dumbass indeed.  Because police, being police, tend to monitor Facebook.  That's just what Westland, Michigan police were doing when they came across Ms. Cudney's particular post.  So they passed the information on down to her probation office.  When the office followed this up with a call to Cudney for her to come in and complete a urine test, she hung up on them, violating the terms of her probation for her 2012 DUI.  Once again displaying her stellar decision making skills.

Cudney was due to be off probation in a matter of weeks, but now she faces up to 93 days in jail.  She is due in court this Tuesday.


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Italian Genius Pushes Mentos And Coke To New Heights

Mentos and Coke is a time honored tradition to the Internet, and a staple of YouTube videos for almost as long as YouTube has existed.  You would think that every possible combination and permutation of this wonderfully hilarious equation have already been attempted, filmed, and enjoyed.

A match made in Internet heaven.
Just when you thought that there was no more life to be squeezed out of the coming together of candy and soda, one Italian magician steps from amongst the shadows to raise the bar for viral video enthusiasm.  All he needed to add to the recipe was some Nutella and a condom, and thus a new dimension of WTF was added to the proceedings.

It's not entirely clear what the purpose of Milleaccendini was hoping to accomplish here.  Was it the world record for "biggest prophylactic full of Coke fizz?"  Is that a Guinness category?

Or did he hope to simultaneously hold an advertisement for the four most random products in history?  Regardless of his aims, it doesn't really matter.  Just sit back, relax, and enjoy the best reaction from someone who just broke a condom.

Check it out:





Explosive.


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Sunday, March 30, 2014

Funday: Rain, Sleet, Snow, Terrible Illness, The Fundays Just Keep On Coming

I love you Funday people.  I love you very much, and this is evident as a drag my rotting carcass out of bed to slang some videos on over your way.  You see your faithful author here is below the weather, so below the weather that I might be soon getting very comfortable with the citizens of Fraggle Rock.  Which sounds great, until you realize that you won't be able to enjoy it, because you feel like you are dying.

Current visual representation of me in the form of Homer Simpson
I'll spare you the details, just rest assured that Funday isn't going anywhere.  We are the Postal Service of Internet weekly video clip articles.  Rain, sleet or snow it's going down.  Well that and the bankruptcy, it may be moral bankruptcy on our part, but still we have that in common with the boys in blue (shorts).

Let's get to it.

Sounds

Sam Smith

Never underestimate the power of a chorus that is sung by a chorus.  The very British and very original crooner who walks the line between R&B and House with deft steps is here to sex your ears.  While also making Vanilla Ice style pompadour haircuts stylish again.  What is not to like about that?





EMA

They say that people's mood affects their choices in a myriad of ways.  This may explain why I immediately chose this song, because it works while I am currently laying prone in bed staring intently at the ceiling hoping for some relief.  For that purpose the song works beautifully.  Seriously, go try it.  It probably is good to listen to in other situations as well, it's just that those other situations aren't available currently.  So you could try that as well.





Vince Staples

Chances are you don't know who this guy is.  To that I say, FOR SHAME!  Just listen to him, then go get everything that he has recorded, most of which is free.  Then enjoy your day.  It's that simple.  Also, watch the video too.  It's a short, painful view of what it is like to live in a fucked up environment with some fucked up parents.  It just might make you appreciate what you have.





Small Black

What's a way to cut out all the bullshit that drags down most B-movies?  Well make them into super atmospheric B-movie music videos of course!  The narrative may have disappeared along with the useless clunky exposition, but in this case that's okay.





Sights

Guys Buy Outfits For Their Girlfriends

Sometimes we need a little (or a lot) of help ladies.  Not saying that the effort isn't there, quite the opposite in fact.  However, the fashion sense is what we happen to be lacking.  Regardless though, I hope by watching this we will all learn a valuable lesson.






Goat Simulator

Do not let the fact that this game is coming out on April 1st sway you.  I assure you it is a real thing, and that said, we are blessed to be alive in 2014 people.  






Jermaine O'Neal All Together Now

I am convinced.  Convinced, that Jermaine O'Neal is stealthily trolling the entirety of the NBA, and getting away with it brilliantly.  Now if only someone who controls the starting pistol could see this and take note.  We would have a world filled with hilarious clip videos.  Well, even more than we already have.






Cellphone Crashing At Disneyland

Cellphone Crashing, AKA the genius idea that you didn't think of, is back.  This time MediocreFilms is taking it to the streets, the made up streets of Disneyland to prove to you jaded cynics that it really is full of happy people.  Also, it is full of people talking on their phones who provide a great catalyst to a funny bit.






Instant Karma

Study this video.  Remember it.  This memory you will need the next time you possibly feel the rage that sometimes comes with driving slowly seep its way into your every pore.  Think back to this video, and remember that you could be the guy here.  Don't be this guy.  






That's all for this week people.  So go forward, brave into your week with the Funday you've just enjoyed.  If you can make it back next time, we will be right here for you.  You can take that to the bank, then wonder why you took your computer/smart phone to the bank to show videos to people you don't know.  It doesn't matter why, it is Funday.



Friday, March 28, 2014

AOTW: Woman Named Crispi Lives Up To Her Name

Full disclosure: The author of this article is aware that "bacon" on the Internet has long ago become one of the most played out and stale concepts.  The following article while about bacon, does not contribute to this trite and cliche movement, but merely features bacon as a vital piece of a strange story.  Feel free to read on and (hopefully) not feel the urge to roll your eyes.

Welcome back to Asshole of The Week, where each Friday one person, place, or thing from the world that sucks is highlighted here for you all to consider.  This week we have an interesting individual, so let's jump right in.

Police say they arrested a Utah woman named Crispi who tried to burn down her ex-boyfriend's house with a flaming pile of bacon.

Not so great now are you!
The ex-boyfriend called the police on 31-year-old suffer of terrible name Cameo Adawn Crispi, after she repeatedly sent him multiple unwanted texts and phone calls.  When police arrived on the scene, there was smoke coming out of the front door, and a smell of crispy bacon in the air.  It is unclear why she didn't choose an applewood or hickory smoked variety.  Perhaps they were in short supply.

One very confused officer:
"I asked to come in and observed a wood stove left open with a fire burning inside and hot coals on the floor around the stove," the officer wrote. "I observed the burner to be on the setting 'High' and the bacon to be severely burned and smoking badly."

Officers stopped the stove fire and arrested Crispi who was later booked on a litany of charges.  She was not charged with burning the bacon, so take that as you may.

It is not clear why this person chose bacon as her preferred accelerant, instead of, you know, wood, or newspaper, gasoline, or literally anything else.  Perhaps she wanted her boyfriend to die horribly while accompanied by a appetizing aroma?

It is not our job here to question the motives of the Asshole of The Week, merely present them for consideration.  So ladies and gentlemen here is Ms. Cameo Adawn Crispi, this week's deserving Asshole.  Congratulations!



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Confirmed: Bill Murray Is Still Awesome

Bill Murray, in between making classic films that everyone loves, and perpetuating the incredible Internet myths that swirl around him like the perfumed Seraphim he is; he loves to play him some golf.  So much so that he has his own charity golf tournament, which yesterday was the 14th installment of, held in the proud state of Florida.

He is the one on the right, in case you were wondering.
However, being Bill Murray at the Murray Brothers Caddyshack Charity Golf Tournament means that you cannot show your face without doing it in style.  Luckily if you are Bill Murray, everything that you do has style.  So when he did show up, it was no surprise that he was wearing something awesome.

It was a surprise although, as to the degree of how awesome his outfit would be.  Which, it can be safe to say that on a scale of one to Bill Murray, was a Mother Fucking Bill Murray, as you can see below:

The pants.  There are no words, pure beauty.

Murray showed up, and showed out at the Jacksonville River Bend Golf Links to raise money for the Firehouse Subs Public Safety Foundation.  He apparently was also there to make everyone who read this article then immediately Google the words "Pabst+Blue+Ribbon+Pants."  Mission Accomplished.

Oh, and before we go, this was his shirt:

Yep.

Fitting for the man who will achieve complete consciousness upon death.

So there, just in case you were faltering in your belief that William James Murray was still one of the best people on the earth, here is your reassurance.

I feel much better.

What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Bank Accidentally Deposits $31k Into Teen's Account So He Spends It

Earlier this month, a bank teller who probably wasn't paying attention, accidentally deposited $31,000 into a teen's bank account.  Upon discovery of this fluke, the teen did what came naturally and immediately started buying things.  To the tune of a sweet $25,000.

Well...looks like I am not eating Ramen today.
On March 7 a customer at the Athens, GA bank attempted to deposit $31,000 into his account at First Citizens Bank.  However, at this particular bank there just so happened to be more than one person who had that particular man's name, thereby providing a perfect storm which resulted in the teller depositing the money in the wrong place.

The lucky recipient, and sharer of name, turned out to be an 18-year-old who checked his account, and then commenced the spending spree.  Within 10 days he had withdrawn $20,000 in cash, and spent another $5,000 on his debit card.

When the teen tried to withdraw more money on March 18, the teller told him that there had been a mistake, and the money should be returned.  The teen however, refused, telling the teller that the money was part of an inheritance from his grandfather.

Then the cops come in.  A Madison county sheriff's deputy drove out to the teen's house to explain the situation, and the consequences if the money wasn't returned.

From the Athens Banner-Herald:

The deputy told the teen the bank wants the money back as soon as possible, so the teen told the officer he would go to the bank and try to settle the matter without going to jail, according to the report. 
However, the teen never showed back at the bank and banking officials told investigators last week that if the suspect didn't return the money, they would prosecute.

It's surprising that the unnamed teen could even move around to spend the money.  What with the giant balls he must have possessed.


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Wednesday, March 26, 2014

CNN Producers Arrested For Being Bad At Breaking And Entering

Here's a tip to any and all aspiring news producers out there, unless you are BASE jumpers, or a 16-year-old kid, don't try to break into the new World Trade Center.  Even if you are trying to do a story about how easy it is to break into the World Trade Center.  You probably aren't going to be both a news producer and one of the two options featured above, so you will be caught.

Confirmed. Not 16-year-olds.  BASE jumpers though...
A CNN spokesperson said that producers Connor Boals, 26, and Yon Pomrenze, 35, were on assignment "but were not asked to sneak on the WTC site."  Probably because that would be a bad idea.

According to their reports, which read like something straight out of a Three Stooges (minus one) episode, the pair first tried to talk their way past security guards into the heavily guarded construction site.  Probably saying something to the effect of, "It's cool guys, we are with CNN."

When that failed, they did the next possible option, and tried to scale a fence.  In both attempts, officers turned them away, wringing their hats in their hands and shuffling their feet.

Third time was not the charm as, all their ideas exhausted, they merely tried to force their way past a security checkpoint.  Being a security checkpoint, the people working said checkpoint didn't respond kindly to the idea of "forcing" anything.  Boals and Pomrenze were cuffed and booked on criminal trespass, obstruction of governmental administration, and disorderly conduct charges.

Port Authority officers noted that the two said:

"words to the effect that if a 16-year-old could get on the site, they should also be able to get in."
However, not one to be punked by a pair of producers, a Port Authority spokesperson fired right back to Reuters:

"[The teenager] had enough sense to try it at 4 o'clock in the morning."
Shots fired! Not really, but still, sick burn Port Authority.  Well done.

What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine

Doge And Dogecoin Are Headed To NASCAR As We Officially Live In A Fever Dream

Some weeks, not every week, but some weeks there is a certain story that I know, irregardless of the day, that will be the best one of the week.  The fact that I even get to write the headline about it is a sweet treat that I savor delicately.  Today is one of those days, as the Internet has confirmed that it is 2014 and we all are living in a wonderful fever dream.

This is because the community behind the strange but hilarious meme Doge and equally strange but hilarious, very real,  cryptocurrency Dogecoin are headed to NASCAR.  Like, for real.  For really real.


Don't try to find anything better than this today.  You won't be successful.
You see, the good people behind Dogecoin saw that NASCAR racer Josh Wise was without a sponsor.  All they needed to do was raise $55,000 in Dogecoins, and Wise would get his ticket to ride.  In under a week, they have done it.  Thus, you will see a Doge cruising around 'Dega.

Wise's No. 98 Ford (oh what if it was a Dodge) will hit the track in the brand new livery May 4th at the Aaron's 499 at the Talladega Superspeedway.  The longest track in all of NASCAR, fitting for a meme that just won't quit.

In the spirit of it all was the way the money was raised, which I would say was professional if by professional I actually meant unbelievably stupid/hilarious.  The main Dogecoin donator accidentally donated 20,000,000 dogecoins instead of his intended 2,000,000.  This meant that instead of his $5,000, he actually provided $15,000.

It must be stressed again, this all actually happened.

The investor who goofed is at this point taking things all in stride.  Although this may have to do with the fact that he owns a company that operates a Dogecoin exchange.  I wonder what/how he tells people at parties about his job.

Although he did much of the heavy lifting, the man with the fat fingers wasn't alone.  All told, there were 1,200 separate donators averaging out at around $41 each.

This isn't the first time the Doge faced currency has delved into sports sponsorship.  They also helped to fund the Jamaican bobsled team at the recent Sochi Olympics.

Sorry Nike, sometimes you just gotta get in on the ground floor.

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Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Kanye Is Giving Kim Burger King For The Wedding

You gotta give him credit.  When Kanye does something, he does it big.  He isn't just gonna give his lady any old burger, he is gonna give her the burger king.  Not the actual Burger King, as in the mascot that gives many people nightmares, but Yeezy is treating his wife to be with a straight up 10-piece order of European Burger King franchises for their wedding.

Nobody buys the King! He just flexes too hard for any amount of cash.


Not those played out American Burger Kings, but Euro Kings, because it's Kanye, and he knows that if it's gonna be cool it's gotta be from Euro-town.

Yeezy himself is already deep in the burger game, as he owns several Chicago Fatburger locations.  So naturally he wants to spread the love to his bride to be.  A source tells Star magazine (clearly the height of journalistic integrity) that Ye thinks international Burger King locations are a perfect fit for Kim.  Whatever the hell that means.  At this point, it's best to not think about it too hard.

The 10 stores he has his eyes on are spread across the U.K., Italy, and France.  Because the best business idea is to get restaurants so far apart you have to fly a plane to get to them.  Who are we kidding though, like Mrs. West is ever gonna delegate.

The buying of the franchises are Kanye's way of shepherding his wife away from the small screen.  
"That's where he sees her future career, away from reality TV," the source added. 


Away from reality TV?! You are going to tell me that Kim Kardashian: Queen of Burgers isn't going to be a hit?!

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Footage of Freedom Tower BASE Jump Is Impressive and Illegal

Three Long Island men who possess a penchant for jumping off perfectly good buildings have been arrested for their last big project.  But that doesn't mean that you can't see the footage of the whole thing.

Woo! Let's go to jail!
The three men stand firmly on the ground presently charged with various crimes after their jump off of Lower Manhattan's Freedom Tower last September, a BASE jump that they caught on film (this being 2014 and all).

Marko Markovich, 27, of Lake Ronkonkoma, Kyle Hartwell, 29, of East Patchogue, and James Brady, 32, of Kings Park, were charged with third-degree burglary, a Class D felony; second-degree reckless endangerment, a Class A misdemeanor; and jumping from a structure, also a Class A misdemeanor, in what was described as BASE jumping. BASE is an acronym for "building, antenna, span, earth."

NYPD Commissioner William Bratton:

"These men violated the law and placed themselves, as well as others, in danger.  These arrests should send a message to anyone thinking about misusing a landmark this way. They will be tracked down and they will face serious charges. Being a thrill-seeker does not give immunity from the law."

The men, who after successfully completing their jump shocked passersby by appearing out of nowhere, decided to turn themselves in to the authorities.

Last night the footage of the jump became available.  Check it out below for a stunning and simultaneously frightening ol' bit of illegal activity.




I would say "hope it was worth it" but it clearly already was.

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Monday, March 24, 2014

Texas Town Pays Ted Nugent To Not Play Their Fourth of July Concert

After booking conservative nutjob rocker Ted Nugent, who is less known for hits like "Cat Scratch Fever" these days and more for "That Time He Called President Obama a Subhuman Mongrel" for their Fourth of July Concert, the town of Longview, Texas had second thoughts.  Like they realized that they had booked Ted Nugent for their celebration of America.

Now they'll instead be paying Nugent $16,250 not to perform on Independence Day.  Which is probably the better move all around.

Anyone who asks you to call them "Uncle" despite not being your uncle needs to go.

The amount was Nugent's guaranteed fee play or no play, and the town says they still have the budget to book another headliner.  One that is not so....awful.

A city spokesman told the Longview News-Journal that the city had cancelled the show for "a variety of reasons." :
"Cost, structure, is it the right musical act for this type of event — a city-sponsored, family-oriented overall event. They decided no, we don't want to move forward, it is not the right act for this. At that point we decided to end discussions."
Nugent, who has also called Obama a "chimpanzee" is campaigning for Texas Attorney General Greg Abbott (R-of course) in the Texas gubernatorial race.

Keith Rothra, chair of the Republican party in Gregg County, believes the state-level race is the only reason Longview cancelled its contract with Nugent, who once said Hillary Clinton had "spare scrotums," whatever that means.

Rothra:

"We have paid $16,000 to Ted Nugent for political correctness," Rothra said. "It's directly related to the state level stuff."
The city manager's office in Longview is currently in the process of booking an alternative to Nugent for the festivities.  Preferably one who never said "apartheid isn't that cut and dry" or never entreated President Obama to "suck on his machine gun."  

So pretty much anybody else.  Man, when even Texas doesn't want you, you gotta be a nut.

What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine


Someone Is Pretending To Be The President While Playing Titanfall

Titanfall is a recently released video game that has become rather popular amongst fans of shooters.  So popular even, that the leader of the free world takes time out of his schedule to hop aboard a virtual giant robot and shoot people on his Xbox One.  Thereby making him without a doubt the coolest president.

So glad I finally have a reason to use this picture.

Or, at least that is what the good people from...um...GameSocietyPimps (really?) would like you to think.  They have taken to the internet via Xbox Live and under the fitting tag of "HealthcareGOV" to let some unsuspecting players "kick some ass with the president."  The results of which can be found below.




The best thing about the videos is just how good of a sport everyone is.  It would have been easy for this prank to lean toward the crude side, however the impersonator remains in character very well.

Now, for round two things get even more interesting.  The audience participates by asking "President Obama" topical questions and then the "president" answers them with just the right balance of humor and relevance.

It's pretty fun.




Maybe next time I get online I won't so quickly mute everyone, maybe next time I'll get to chat with the president.

Also, everybody knows Ted Kennedy was a creep.

What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Funday: Embrace The Madness of March

So this, this is what happens when everybody who knows how to play basketball real well goes right into the NBA.  And by this I mean that nobody in this damn world is about to win a billion dollars.

Look folks, we get it.  You are in the grips of the madness that is March.  Your days are spent pouring over the endless stream of statistics, furiously scratching holes in your various office pool brackets, and trying desperately to swerve at least half of the terrible jokes associated with tournament roundball.  While your nights are spent drowning your sorrows as upset over upset happens again and again.  Taunting your loss at that billion dollars you had already spent in your mind.

Current visual representation of all your filled out brackets.

It's cool people.  After all, Warren Buffett didn't get all that money by betting a billion on a sure thing.  Unless by a sure thing you mean that he would surely get a ton of free press without having to pay anybody one cold hard cent.  If that's what you mean, then he made that for sure. FO SHO.

Don't even sweat it.  So you didn't win a billion dollars, screw it.  Now that you no longer have to worry about that you can go back to coming up with more insane theories for that Malaysian flight.

Yo, I got one word son...ILLUMINATI!


Get to it!

Sounds

Foster the People

Bands change people, it happens all the time.  Often they explore because they want to grow and mature their sound and influences.  Also, sometimes they become what people think they should be.  Foster the People can now be one of the bands listed as the former.  What a radical departure, in the best way.  Don't worry, they aren't a hardcore rap group or anything (although that might be rad).   It's still Pop music, just a different flavor.  Just tell me you don't like that staccato clap! I dare you!






Movement

Fellas, start doing pushups.  Ladies drop those panties.  It is time for sex.  Movement is already known as a damn slick R&B group.  However, it isn't until you see this video, simple footage of the group proving that besides making jams they also happen to be a real R&B band.  When was the last time you could say that?  Often the most simple ideas are the best, like putting these guys in front of a camera and letting them do their thing.






Black Lips

It is never clear what to really expect from a band like the Black Lips, as is apparent on their woodsy album that was recently released.  In 2014, this is a good thing to still have bands around like that.  Bands that just maybe might be to wasted to perform, or confident enough to wear their own t-shirt without an ounce of irony.  Black Lips fit all those descriptors, and I salute them for it.






Ratking f/King Krule

So I am pretty sure that the members of Ratking's thing is that they are like extras from the movie Kids.  Which is totally cool, because it works.  Especially given the fact that they are on the slider more leaning towards Deathgrips than Jay-Z.  Also, the fact that King Krule can so effortlessly transition from crooner to rapper further solidifies the fact that he can do no wrong musically.






Johnny Cash

Yes. There is a new song and a new album, and a new music video from the MAN IN BLACK.  On top of all that it is directed by the man who made one of the best westerns of all time, and set it in mother fucking Australia! Good thing this section is over, because what the hell do you follow that up with?!?






Sights

Stop Drinking Water

Okay, did you commit?  Well if you did you are a god damn idiot and you shouldn't live your life by making decisions off off what subtitles in a stupid internet article tell you to do.  Seriously though, don't stop drinking water, but if you are wondering what would happen if you did don't worry.  AsapSCIENCE (sadly not a member of the A$AP rap crew) will tell you what happened if you did.






Sam Lives His Dream

They say baseball is romantic, well what about hockey?  Alright all you internet cynics, I don't care how hard your tiny black hearts are.  Get ready to fucking lose it.






Katy Perry in 20 Styles

Are you ready for (ready for) some Dark Horse in 20 different musical styles?  Or should I say are you ready for that song to be sang like it would by Katy Perry and 19 other more talented artists?  Well maybe 18, because fuck John Mayer.  Still, pretty good.  I would totally buy the Boyz II Men one, but to be fair, I would buy the Boyz II Men anything.






Guys Do Their Girlfriends' Makeup

Even the inclusion of Buzzfeed, the intellectual toilet of the Internet, cannot ruin this one.  Sorry ladies, but it is 2014 and fellas still have no idea how/what you put on your face.  Please help us out.






C.O.B.R.A.'s March Madness Bracket

Don't feel bad if you didn't get Mercer beating Duke.  If a multinational, well funded, terrorist organization bent on world domination can't figure it out you probably cannot either.  At least you didn't pick Gonzaga again this year.




There you go folks, another Funday in the bag as another March Madness kicks into full gear.  Remember to embrace the madness, after all it's just basketball.  Well, there's the billion dollars thing, but hey, there won't be next year right? Right?  I better get to work.


What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine

Friday, March 21, 2014

Christian Bale Eyed For Next Steve Jobs Movie Attempt

Sorry Ashton, but there's another guy who looks kinda like Steve Jobs, and he also happens to be a pretty good actor.

Sorry bro, but I was Batman.

At least that is what director David Fincher thinks.  Fincher has chosen the Oscar winner and second-best Batman as his number one (and only) choice to play the tech guru Jobs in an upcoming biopic on his life.  Despite one of those...sorry Ashton...already coming out last year.

The film, which is currently still untitled, is also set to be written by none other than Aaron Sorkin.  Who also penned Fincher's film The Social Network.  So there's that as well.

Bale hasn't yet even been offered the part, but Fincher has made it clear that it's either Bale or he is out of there.

The new biopic intends to focus on a more focused 3 scenes from Walter Isaacson's lengthy biography on Jobs.  These would include the launch of the Mac, the launch of the iPad, and the debut of NeXT, the operating system Jobs worked on while away from Apple.  This would differ from the Ashton helmed Jobs, which focused more on the early years of the man's life.

It would also feature way less Ashton Kutcher.

Not so fast pal, the tables have turned!

The Wrap reports that the previous Jobs focused film only grossed $35 million worldwide.  However Sony studios still thinks there is sufficient interest in a film about the Apple founder.  Just one that doesn't have any Ashton Kutcher in it.

What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Music Teacher Sells Instruments For Heroin

A music teacher pulled over by police who found a tuba in her backseat knew it was all over, as she admitted to selling over 50 instruments from her school district and using the money to buy heroin.

It all started last June when Danielle Conner-Willowglade, 30, who teaches at elementary, middle, and high schools in Nunda, N.Y., started stealing and pawning the instruments.  Police have been investigating her since October "in connection with drug use."

Somebody play me a sad trombone.  Oh, never mind, I sold it.
When the highway trooper saw the tuba, of all things, in her backseat without a case, he questioned her on it.  She told him that she was taking the instrument to Rochester for work.  After police contacted the school district, her story didn't hold...the note.

Nicholas Bump, Connor-Willowglade's 32-year-old boyfriend, allegedly helped her steal the equipment and sell it.  Police found 12 of the instruments and the teacher's school issued computer at local pawn shops in the area.  This is according to State Police Investigator Chris Burns.

Conner-Willowglade and Bump are being charged with possession of stolen property and possession of a controlled substance. Conner-Willowglade also faces grand larceny charges.

Play them off Johnny!

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Male Strippers Stop an Armed Robbery

Look out criminals, there's a new force on the streets ready to take you out.  That's what one armed meth head found out when he took on none other than Australia's finest (male stripper group) the Thunder From Down Under.  A group of gentlemen who took down the gunman thanks in part to the strength of their "dynamic dance routines, barely there costumes, state-of-the-art lighting and chiseled abs."


We're here to clean up the streets....ladies...

According to the Las Vegas Review-Journal one unidentified male thief between the ages of 25 and 30 made the huge mistake of breaking into the Thunder's dressing room at the Excalibur Hotel in Las Vegas, and stole some of the performers' personal belongings.
According to an arrest report, the man, who is being identified only as a "John Doe," was witnessed wandering around the backstage and auditorium area of the show wearing a SWAT hat and shoes and a firefighter's shirt. 
Several people noticed him but just assumed he was a new dancer.

Clearly the thief had some skills, as he was able to blend in effectively amongst his victims. At least, at first.

When performers noticed that their makeup and costumes were missing, the jig was up. They confronted the man and tackled him to the floor. It was at this point he pulled out a firearm. However, the men of the Thunder were unfazed, as they new that their killer abs could never be penetrated by a mere bullet.
The gun was fired during the struggle, but police said no one was hit. One person received a powder burn from the impact of the shot and was treated at the scene.
According to FOX, the Thunder, content with the streets being adequately cleaned, went back to their real purpose:  making 75 year-old-women tourists happy throughout the week.  They do God's work.


What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

British Jury Couldn't Stop Laughing About Man's Small Penis

Sometimes the only thing hung is the jury.

Such was the case in the trial of a British publicist accused of sexual assault, where the jury had to be dismissed from the courtroom yesterday after they couldn't stop laughing about testimony concerning the defendant's two-and-a-half inch penis.

I guess jury duty can...measure up...to missing work.  Kill me.

Max Clifford, the defendant, is a publicist accused of assaulting seven women, so you could call him a real dick but it just doesn't fit.  Let's just call him an asshole instead.  One of the women identified as a victim testified yesterday that the now 70-year-old assaulted her in the 1980's when she was trying to make it as a model.

The woman said that she was 17 at the time when Clifford took advantage of her, masturbating, groping, and possibly ejaculating on her before trying to pimp her out to Cubby Broccoli (one of the James Bond series producers) for a role in a Bond film.

According to the court testimony, Clifford, who once claimed to have slept with Diana Ross, was so poorly packing that even his victims joked about his bathing suit area:

The woman said in her evidence she thought Clifford was well-endowed and his penis was very large. "I had only seen one before, I had never seen one in that proximity and that situation." 
The court has heard claims that his penis is "tiny" and no more than two-and-a-half inches when erect. When Richard Horwell QC, defending, asked her about the issue, the woman remarked: "I have a small mouth. I do, my dentist has always said."

Well that was it.  The following remark caused the judge to have to dismiss the entire jury "for a few minutes" so that they could compose themselves.

The judge:

"It is inevitable in a case dealing with this sort of graphic detail that members of the jury want to burst out laughing."
Chalk it up to a case of elementary school "trying not to laugh" syndrome.


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Mom Turns Herself Into Human Speed Bump To Save Kids

Moms, they really are the best.  They'll make you a PB&J sandwich, help you out with your homework, and also not think twice about throwing themselves in front of a runaway car in order to save your life.

The latter is exactly what one Massachusetts mom did to save her two-year-old twin daughters, earlier this month.

Thanks mom! You're the best!

Twenty-two-year-old Mindy Tran was positive that she had parked her Honda at her apartment building when she got out to lock her front door.  But to her absolute horror, she hadn't, which she noticed as the car began to roll away.  Right down the steep hill leading to a busy street that led into her apartment complex.

Tran kicked into mother gear, immediately throwing herself under the car, slowing it down enough for a helpful neighbor to jump in and grab the two girls.  Firefighters had to free Tran herself from underneath the car.  She was then airlifted to the hospital where she was treated for a broken leg, dislocated shoulder, and a dislocated hip.

Tran to WCVB:

"My daughters are my everything and I don't want to see my daughters in the hospital, and I knew at that time it was either mine or theirs."

Tran, who had just moved to the apartment from a homeless shelter, is facing more surgery from her injuries.  However, she should be out of the hospital in a few weeks.  She's currently in a wheelchair, but she is confident she will be able to be walking soon.

"It was all for my kids. I'm just glad my kids are fine," Tran said.

Alright kids, time to grow up and do something important.

What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Woman Stabs Husband For "Worshipping Nascar" Crashes Car Into Church

A woman claiming to have the devil inside of her drove her car through the doors of a church, then stabbed her husband when he showed up to help her.  She said, wait for it, that God told her to do it.

Sounds about right.

Stephanie Hamman crashed her car through the Church Hill, Tennessee, church at around 10 p.m.  She then called her husband to come help her.  When her husband, Stephen, arrived to the scene of the crime, he found his wife lying in front of the altar with a large kitchen knife.  When he approached her she promptly buried it in his chest.

Stephen Hamman then left his wife and drove home, removed the knife, and called the police for some help.

The police caught up with Stephanie at the hospital, where she informed them that she had decided to live her life for God.  That He (God, of course) told her to stop smoking marijuana all day and night.  She said, according to God, weed is only for the evenings.  You know, for relaxing.

Stephanie on the police press release:

"I love to smoke it. Sometimes when I do, I start seeing things that others don't. Isn't God good? He told me this would happen, and just look, I am okay."

She added that God needed her to "get in the church."  Which apparently she took quite literally.

As for why she needed to stab her husband, she said she stabbed him for "worshipping the NASCAR race at Bristol."  Which totally makes sense, everybody knows that is the devil's race.  She added that she prayed she wouldn't have to use the knife, and asked if her husband was dead.

He was not.  As of this past Monday, he was in the hospital in fair condition.  The same one where police found his wife.

Stephanie Hamman was charged with first degree attempted murder and felony vandalism.

What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine

Put Your Clothes Back On 105.7 Has Stopped Playing Nelly

It's over folks.  The thermostat has now been fixed. All of your clothes should be put back on.  It is effectively no longer "Hot in Herre."  Hang your heads, and continue on with your lives.  Nelly's reign has ended.

Put your arm back in that sleeve mister!
We knew it was coming, and it has finally happened.  Latino Mix 105.7 has finally ended it's 24/7 uninterrupted play of the 2002 classic by Nelly, a run that had been going strong since last Friday.

At first no one knew why this was happening, other than one radio station's plan to make the Bay Area just a little bit more joyous.  This prompted the news of the stunt to go viral, that is, until everybody realized that it wasn't a miraculous injection of Nelly into our societal earlobes, but just a radio stunt that is often pulled when stations are about to change format.

Turns out, this was entirely the case.  As of now Latino Mix 105.7 ceases to exist, and has been replaced by a top-40 English language station.  One that will presumably never ask it's listeners to "take off all their clothes."

No longer will you have to give good graces to asses that are bodacious.  Remember above all, this weekend not for how many items of clothing you shed, but for the heat.  The heat that was in herre.

What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine

Monday, March 17, 2014

Man Turns Himself In After Finding His Mugshot On Google

Googling yourself.  Many people take part in this vain effort everyday.  We want to be known, we want to be out there in front of something.  However, sometimes Google can produce information we didn't expect, or want to see.

Such is the case of a certain former fugitive, who last week Googled himself and fount out that he just so happened to be one of California's most wanted.

Hey, that's me! Let's see, what does the link say...uh oh...

Christopher Viatafa, 27, was wanted for firing several rounds from a handgun into the floor of a private party at a Bay Area senior center last August.  It is unclear what the seniors, or anyone who attended the party at the senior center, might have done to warrant this behavior.

  His mugshot on NorthernCaliforniaMostWanted.org, which went up in December last year, was the first result when he searched for his own name on the world's most popular search engine.

San Leandro police commenting on his decision to turn himself in:

"Although it wasn't good judgment that landed him on the website, he did use good judgment in turning himself in after seeing his photo."

Viafata is charged with discharging a firearm in an inhabited dwelling.  Although he can't search right now, due to him being in jail, if he did he would find that the top results now are about him turning himself in.  Maybe upon release he can feel a little bit better then.

What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine

Man Gets 2 DUIs In One Night At McDonald's

Just think what the world could be like if we all could learn to love something as much as Zachary Boynton of Oneonta, New York loves McDonald's.  How much does Boynton love McDonald's?  Enough that it took two separate arrests last weekend to stop his determination to eat at the golden arches.

Get off me pig!  I gotta get to Ronald!

The first arrest took place around 1a.m. last Sunday.  The police were called after Boynton drove his car into the drive-thru and right into the back of another waiting vehicle (there was no time to wait, he really wanted McDonald's).

Upon arriving to the scene and removing Boynton from his vehicle, the police discovered that he was three times over the legal limit and arrested him for a DUI.  A few hours later they released him to a sober driver, and normally that would be that.

However, normal people don't love McDonald's as much as Mr. Zachary Boynton.

The sober driver took Boynton home, but they probably should have made a stop at McDonald's first.  That is because at 5a.m. that same night, police again responded to a call at the same McDonald's.  This time Boynton, done with waiting in the drive-thru, had inadvertently driven his car into the building.  From there Boynton was taken to the hospital, presumably still not having eaten any McDonald's.

Believe it or not, this is actually the third DUI for Boynton, as last November he was arrested for driving under the influence.  It is not clear if fast food was involved.  Needless to say Boynton won't be driving himself anywhere for a long time, let alone to the home of the Big Mac.

As for McDonald's, put this guy in an ad, nobody has ever wanted your food more than him.


What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Funday: The Luck of The Funday Is Here

Welcome to Funday all you fakes and phonies!  It is time to celebrate!  Because tomorrow is officially the day where everybody in America acts like they give a fuck about Ireland, despite not knowing anything about Ireland.  All in an excuse to drink heavily on a Monday without anyone else being able to look down on you, because they are also drunk.

Deal.

That's right people, it's St. Patty's Day.  So get ready to dye the river green, wear a color that most people look bad in, and vomit a beautiful emerald stream right into the toilet.  But before you do, check out this special Ireland edition of Funday.  Just kidding!

We are in America, where nobody knows anything about Ireland!  Except that once they didn't have enough potatoes and how to order drinks that would make an actual Irish person incredibly offended (seriously, don't order a "car-bomb" in front of your friend from Belfast).

But hey you know what? Fuck it! You are probably already drunk anyway right?! So squint your eyes at the videos below, and then go on out there and tell everyone you meet about how your father's brother's cousin's friend was actually in the IRA, so you are about as Irish as anyone you know.

Erin go braugh!

Sounds

DJ Snake & Lil' John

Well, I have seen the best music video ever.  Feels good to not have to worry about that anymore.






Rick Ross f/ Young Jeezy

It's inescapable, by now there has to be at least one Rick Ross song that you like.  I remember when I used to not like Ricky Rozay, but that time has come and gone.  You just have to face it, now that DMX is a full blown crack addict, there is only one man who makes music that you can test both the quality of your speakers and the strength of your car-seat-back to simultaneously. To borrow from 1984,  I have learned to love the Biggest Boss, and all is well.  That said, Jeezy is still cooler.






Banks

The breathy/ghostly singer teaming up with the guy most known for ghostly/sparse production (Sholomo) is a pretty good idea.  People continue to sleep on Banks and I have no idea why.  Maybe she will continue to be one of those musical mysteries, where there is every reason for her to be huge but it never happens.  Or her stuff will go megaton, we will see.






SZA

This gal, she's special.  Keep your ears open.






Franz Ferdinand

Remember Franz Ferdinand?  Not the Archduke, the band.  Well, they are still kicking (unlike the Archduke) and still putting out Pop music apparently.  Who would have known?  Here is their latest B-side presented in black and white video form.  English/Scottish Pop music, still as good as I remember from back in 2004.







Sights

Close Calls

And there is one thing we say to death: Not today.  I hope you have your heart medicine handy, because despite not one single person dying, and what looks to be nobody getting hurt, this one is a doozy.  They may have not gotten hurt, but I would bet money that somebody on here soiled themselves.  I also really hope that one of these people went out and bought a lottery ticket, because these are some lucky folks.






How It's Unmade

Watch as the cornerstone to every healthy breakfast gets vacuum tubed, cooled, and power slammed in order to provide the good people of Toronto with building insulation.  As you laugh once you get the joke, all you will be thinking is, "Why didn't anyone do this before?"






Transforming Formula 1

If you are an F1 fan, then you probably already know that this is going to be the most exciting season there has been in years.  Despite it not officially starting until today.  If you are not an F1 fan, let Red Bull break it down to you why you should be.  Take it away boys!






First Sniff

Forget people.  Dogs may not be able to actually kiss, but even if they are strangers, they aren't so uptight about sniffing each other for the first time.  What I am saying is, let's be more like dogs.  What could go wrong?






How To Cure A Hangover 

Tomorrow is probably going to be a big day for you.  Let's face it, we are in America, so of course a holiday about Ireland is a popular reason for you to not look like an alcoholic on a weekday.  I mean, you are gonna drink right?  So here is this video, it will help you out.  Or not.






That's it folks, I would thank you for making it all the way to the end, but since tomorrow being what it is you are already probably drunk.  Just remember, if you gotta vomit, do it in the street.  This will show other people how courteous you are, along with how good you are at planning ahead.  

That's my special St. Patrick's Day tip.  See you next week.

Saturday, March 15, 2014

A Plane Skidded Off The Runway At A Philadelphia Airport

Landing gear, turns out it is pretty important.  Especially on the front of the plane.  Especially when the plane is trying to take off with people in it.

You see the front wheels provide what we call, balance.

Passengers were forced to make an emergency evacuation off of a US Airways flight after, reportedly, the nose gear collapsed during takeoff from the Philadelphia International Airport.  Suddenly your 2 hour layover and having to take your belt off for the TSA doesn't seem like such a big deal now does it?

A passenger aboard the unlucky plane noted that it had "just started to get airborne" when the airbus blew a tire.  This forced the plane to abort the takeoff as it skidded off the runway.

Philadelphia International has since been put on a ground stop, which means that all incoming flights are halted or slowed, until "further notice."  Cue the people complaining.

All their plane did was lose a tire!  Why do I have to miss my flight?!?

The airport tweeted (Tweeted? Really?) that the accident is under investigation, and no passengers were injured in the crash.

Cue (what I sincerely hope) is the first post-plane crash selfie.  It is 2014 after all.

The original caption read: "so yup."

In this situation, I think she has earned it.

What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine

Friday, March 14, 2014

AOTW: It's A Busy Week For Being The Worst

Welcome back to Asshole of The Week, where each Friday we take the time to single out a person, place, or thing that is absolutely the worst.  We live in a big world people, and that means there is always someone/thing that sucks.

Especially this week, where there were just so many assholes that for the first time we are gonna do a veritable asshole grab-bag.  That's right, the three individuals below all deserve this distinction equally, I just couldn't single out one.

Now let's take a deep breath and get into things.

Asshole #1


First off we have Joshua Cooper, who is a human piece of garbage.  You see 18-year-old Cooper is a teen father, which doesn't reflect on his character.  There are plenty of young men who have children too early and end up doing the right thing.  Providing and loving for the child that they created.

However, tragically, there are also young fathers who are terrible human beings.  Those who abandon and deny the existence of their offspring.  Sadly, Cooper's child would have been better off if his father did indeed abandon him.

Joshua Cooper was arrested for allegedly biting the nose of his infant son off, causing a skull fracture and brain hemorrhage.

There he is.
Police say Joshua Cooper, of Fairfield, Calif., "bit the child's nose off while he was crying and he was frustrated he was not able to ease the child's crying." He has been charged with child cruelty and aggravated mayhem.

The baby is currently in stable condition at an Oakland hospital, but is missing one third of his nose.  Police are still investigating how the other head injuries were sustained. 

There isn't much more to say other than to take solace in the fact that people who hurt children, they have a bad time in prison.  

Fuck you Joshua, fuck you very much.

Asshole #2


Thursday night, a restaurant worker stabbed his boss to death after posting his picture online earlier this month.  Yes, you read that right.  There is now a person who is in jail for murder because someone took their picture.

Sheriff's deputies arrested Tilus Lebrun after receiving 911 calls from terrified diners at Jimmy the Greek Taverna Restaurant in Palm Beach County, Fl. 

From the Sun Sentinel:
Employees and patrons of the restaurant told deputies that [owner Dimitrios] Karaloukas was sitting in the restaurant when Lebrun attacked him with a large knife, which some witnesses described to CBS12 as a meat cleaver. They said Lebrun walked up to Karaloukas and stabbed him three times in the left side and once in the back for no apparent reason, according to the report.
 Karaloukas died later at the hospital.

The murderer, whose picture was taken again, by the police.

After he was arrested, Lebrun spoke to a Haitian sheriff's deputy in Creole, reportedly saying:
 "I killed him because he took my picture on March 2 and posted it on the internet. They need to learn how to respect people. I have three kids in Haiti. I know they will suffer, but they will survive."
 People from Haiti, if you are reading this, does this make sense to you?  Because I am baffled over here.  Once again, a man died because he took the picture of another man.

Once again, fuck you Lebrun, enjoy prison.

Asshole #3


Finally, to end on a lighter note, we have an asshole that is less of a monster and more of an moron.  

Los Angeles man Dakkari McAnuff wanted to be Twitter famous, so he came up with an idea.  However instead of being funny or insightful, or anything like that, he instead did this:


Don't worry, it ends well.  Well not for him though.

Just in case you cannot read the caption above, it reads, "100 RT's and I'll shoot someone walking." Which accompanies what looks like a rifle aimed at the street below.  This was his idea to become famous.

Well, there is a group of people who aren't too keen on stuff like this.  They are called the police, and they are pretty good at finding morons.  

Sure enough, the police traced the tweet to McAnuff's home in downtown L.A., then they arrested him.  He currently remains in jail pending a $50,000 bail, also his twitter has been suspended. 

As for the "rifle" in the photo, turns out it was an air rifle.

Congratulations Mr. McAnuff, you are a fucking idiot.

That's it for this week.  Check back next Friday for hopefully only one asshole.  Until then keep your eyes open and try not to be like any of these chumps.  

What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine