Friday, February 28, 2014

"Dead" Man Wakes Up in Body Bag

Talk about waking up on the wrong side of the bed body bag.

Early Thursday morning, funeral home workers were no doubt finally given a rational reason to have the fear that a dead body would rise again, when they found a "dead" man alive and literally kicking inside a body bag.

Somebody call Monty Python.

After finding Walter Williams alive, workers at Porter and Sons Funeral Home in Lexington, Mississippi quckly called the Holmes County Sheriff.

Williams was due to be embalmed later that morning.

Sheriff Willie March talking to WAPT:

"I asked the coroner what happened, and the only thing he could say is that it's a miracle."

You could call it a miracle, others might call it ineptitude.

How did this happen?  At about 9 p.m. on Wednesday night the county coroner pronounced Williams dead after he failed to find a pulse.  Later that night he was taken to a funeral home.

Williams nephew Eddie Hester to WAPT:

"I stood there and watched them put him in a body bag and zipped it up."

Four hours later, Hester got a call. "That was at 10:30, and at 2:30, my cousin called me and said, 'Not yet,' and I said, 'What you mean not yet?' He said, 'Daddy still here,'" Hester said. 


Workers found Williams after they heard him kicking from inside the body bag, not necessarily the best place to wake up.  Williams was rushed to a nearby hospital where he is in stable condition.  For now, the coroner places the blame not on themselves, but on Williams' pacemaker.  It could have stopped momentarily to give the lack of pulse, then started up again.

Williams is happy to be alive, according to his nephew.  Despite everyone trying to convince him he was dead.


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Thursday, February 27, 2014

Salami Made From Kanye Is Probably Not The Future of Food

Sometimes you gotta just step back and look at the world we live in.

An "artisanal cannibal" startup says it wants to sell meat grown from the tissues of celebrities like Kanye West and James Franco.

You are pretty good hamburger...but I am about to be the best sandwich OF ALL TIME!

Despite BiteLabs' website reading like an absolute hoax, the meatrepreneurs insist that they're 100% serious about biopsying famous people--including West, Franco, Jennifer Lawrence, and Ellen Degeneres--and growing salami, of all meats, from their cells.

Vice reporter Brian Merchant emailed the company, and found that if BiteLabs is a joke, they are very dedicated to that joke.  "Kevin" from the company replied that BiteLabs is:

"100 percent serious in prompting widespread discussion about bioethics, lab-grown meats, and celebrity culture—this is very important to us. Making celebrity meat a reality from there will all depend on our ability to build a user-base."

They are also, surprisingly, not immune to irony as well.  "Kevin" again:

"Other than highlighting bioethical issues, we are also interested in the way celebrity culture is consumed and hope that there is some kind of back-handed commentary on that."

If you are indeed what you eat, then we may finally be able to find out what it is like to be Kanye.  Or at least, a smoky, Yeezus-pork blend:

The Kanye Salami will pull no punches: heavy, and boldly flavored, pure Kanye West meat will blend with rich, coarse-ground pork. Hungarian paprika and worcestershire give Kanye an underlying smokiness, spiced up with hints of jalapeno. The Kanye Salami is best paired with strong straight bourbon.

Hold the salami, I will just take the bourbon.

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Couple Find Literal Buried Treasure in Backyard

Hold all my calls, because I need to re-think some shit.  Apparently the idea that I had when I was a child--that buried treasure exists throughout my yard and all I needed to do was find it--was totally valid.  I am now convinced that if I was left to my own devices, I would have been a millionaire by now.

My proof, is as follows:  A rare coin collector has shared that a Northern California couple pretty much stumbled over a $10 million fortune last year when they found an old can of coins while walking their dog.

Those aren't made of chocolate y'all. 

The couple were walking on their Sierra Nevada property, when they noticed a decaying canister poking up from the ground.  Upon further inspection they found it filled with gold coins.  All together they ended up finding eight canisters containing more than a thousand coins, with a face value of $27,980.  Sit down though, because it gets better.

Coin dealer Don Kagin (which is totally a name I would associate with a man who is a rare coin dealer) who is representing the anonymous couple, extolled the "excellent mint condition" of the coins.  He has valued the entire "Saddle Ridge Horde" collection at $10 million.  That is "million," with an "M."

This isn't the first time a found coin collection has garnered a million dollar price tag either:

According to "American Coin Treasures and Hoards," the bible of buried treasure finds, the biggest hoard of gold coins dug up before Saddle Ridge was a collection found by construction workers in Jackson, Tenn., in 1985. It had a face value of $4,500 and sold for $1 million.

I'll be in the backyard if you need to find me, bring me a lemonade or something.

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Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Meth Cook Busted Wearing Los Pollos Hermanos Shirt From Breaking Bad

First off, you probably shouldn't cook meth.  No matter how much you enjoy Breaking Bad, the meth business is not one you should get into.

Second, if you do choose to enter the wide world of drug manufacturing, you definitely should not make meth while wearing a t-shirt from Breaking Bad.  Unless when you are inevitably caught, you want to make the news, because that will certainly happen.

I just said not to do those things.  You did them both.

Daniel Kowalski of LaGrange, Illinois has now provided police with a story to tell for years on end.  About the day they arrested the meth cook, who get this, was wearing a shirt from the television show about cooking meth at the time.

On Monday, police raided Kowalski's home after receiving a tip that he was using the home as a meth cooking base.  Inside the house they found beakers, meth making precursor materials, burners, instructions, and 12 jars of psychedelic mushrooms on top of it all.

Kowalski was arrested and charged with two counts of possession of a controlled substance, possession of methamphetamine manufacturing materials, and possession of materials needed to produce methamphetamine.  Each of these charges is a separate felony.

As seen in the photo above you can see that Kowalski was wearing a "Los Pollos Hermanos" shirt at the time of the arrest.  A fictional restaurant owned by the meth kingpin Gus Fring character on the show Breaking Bad, which adds a wonderful bit of irony to what is otherwise a successful bust.

As you may have guessed by the shirt, this isn't Kowalski's first meth related arrest.  This past July he was placed on home arrest after police found a suspected meth lab in his home.  This guy just loves meth.

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Watch Bryan Cranston Be Justifiably Terrified In The New Incredible Godzilla Trailer

With last year's Pacific Rim leading the charge (into my dreams) big monster movies are back.  In a big way (I'll see myself out).

Now that awards season is over and we can go back to watching movies that are enjoyable instead of really good but horribly depressing, the big daddy of monster movies is again being made by Hollywood.  That's right folks, kaiju A number 1, Godzilla is back on the silver screen for the first time since the 90's.  Only this time, it just might be awesome.

If anything, the posters are cool.
 In an attempt to begin the massive machine that is the summer movie blockbuster season Warner Brothers and Legendary Pictures have released the first full trailer for the film, and let me tell you there are some interesting things here.  You even get to finally see the big monster's face.

The trailer also features the solid cast including Aaron-Taylor Johnson, Elizabeth Olsen, The-man-who-should-be-in-every-movie-because-he-is-so-awesome-Ken Watanabe, and the man of the hour Bryan Cranston.  Who can be heard throughout the trailer being, given the state the world gets during the film, very understandably terrified.

Cranston as Joe Brody:

"You're not fooling anybody when you say that what happened was a natural disaster," he cries as the world destructs. "You're lying! It was not an earthquake, it wasn't a typhoon, because what's really happening is that you're hiding something out there. And it is going to send us back to the Stone Age!"

Why won't anyone listen to Walter White?

You can check it out below, it also features your standard awesome disaster movie fare, giant tidal waves, fires, city dsetruction, and being a Godzilla flick, numerous nuclear explosions.  A reminder that when massive disasters happen, stay the hell away from the Statue of Liberty.  That thing always gets destroyed.

 Pretty much everything you could want, including an interesting reimagining of the origins of the monster for longtime Godzilla fans (and if you think that Godzilla fans don't exist in 2014, you are wrong).

Godzilla will hit theatres May 16:




I really hope he still shoots blue fire out of his mouth.  Nothing cooler than blue fire.


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Tuesday, February 25, 2014

I Cannot Stop Watching This German Supermarket Commercial

Judging from this commercial, German supermarkets are the coolest in the world.  Well, it can be agreed that they are definitely the most bizarre.  The commercial in question, entitled "Supergeil" (which sounds like an awesome name for a metal band) has hit the Internet like a virtual ton of bricks.

It is four minutes long, more of a music video than commercial, and features images like this:

Yep, I am sold.

The man in the tub is 58-year-old musician Friedrich Liechtenstein, who over the course of the video takes a milk bath, eats ice cream with a random couple in bed, and smokes a hotdog like a cigar.  It is four minutes of absolutely wonderful insanity.

Even the song's lyrics are double entendres.  Slate magazine:
Even the titular adjective, geil (pronounced guy-l), has—like all the best German words—multiple meanings, two of which happen to be "cool" and "horny."—my favorite line is the rhyme of "sushi" with Muschi, or "pussy" (referring, technically, to a cat).

Check out the commercial below, and watch the world's new most interesting man dance his way through the EDEKA market:



Perfect.


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Monday, February 24, 2014

While Attempting YouTube Challenge Teen Accidentally Swallows Blowdart

Don't do YouTube challenges people.  You are not going to become famous.  Well, maybe not unless something terrible happens to you in the process of doing them.

Exactly that is what happened to 15-year-old Shawn Stillinger of Charleston, South Carolina (Not Florida?) last week when he tried a YouTube challenge that included shooting a blowdart at a tree.

Were you supposed to swallow it first?  I swallowed it.

Stillinger speaking to Live 5 News:

"I tilted it up to shoot it out at a tree and it fell back out of the straw that I had it in, and, it went into my throat."

You, don't, say.

After two hospitals failed to remove the dart from the boy's throat, he feared it may be stuck there forever.  However, lucky for the fool the third hospital proved to be the charm, where a doctor was able to perform a successful operation to remove it.

Doctor David Gudis:

"We could access his airway and operate on his airway endoscopically all through his mouth.  People can die from this. People can die from airway foreign bodies."

You, don't, say.

Tara Chavis, Stillinger's mother, was thankful, but (understandibly) angry when she finally saw her son.

Chavis:

"I hugged him when I got to where he was.  Then, I probably would have liked to have like 5 minutes in private with him. Maybe Dr. Gudis wouldn't have had to do the job, because I might would have shaken it out of him."

Teens, don't be stupid.  I know you are going to be, it comes with the territory, but just don't be this stupid okay?  If you want to be famous, spend your time getting good at something, like singing Beyonce songs, or breakdancing.  Don't do YouTube challenges.





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Say Goodbye To Sochi One Last Time WIth A Mario Kart Themed Video

The Olympics, as you know, are over.  These Olympics had it all, terrible construction, civil rights violations, protests, famous eye-infections, fabulous wardrobes, and a creepy bear.  Now all the athletes can go back to competing in various World Cups that aren't on television.  This also means that I no longer have a valid reason to have television service anymore.

There is an upside though, I no longer have to wonder how in the hell they kept so much snow on the ground when it was 65 degrees outside.  Seriously, that was a major part of most of my thoughts the past few weeks.

Must lay on snow to cool off.

However, although we have to say goodbye to Sochi, it remains in meme form on the Internet.  This will probably continue for a few more weeks, if my experience with the Internet has taught me anything, it is that people are hard at work making any possible thing that could be funny regarding the Olympics into something ridiculous.

For instance, Michael Shanks was watching speed skating during the games and came to a sort of realization--There were absolutely no Olympic videos that featured Mario Kart related features.  So then he fixed that, adding the various shells and banana peels that we have all come to love.

I am not saying it makes speed skating as a current sport obsolete.  What I am saying is it is now 2014, let's come together and figure out how to make Mario Kart Speed Skating a reality.  There is money to be made.

Check out the video below, it's great:





If everyone ends up dying, hey you have four more years to get new athletes.  Problem solved.  Think about it IOC, that's all I ask.


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Arizona Town Overrun By Packs of Wild Chihuahuas

Run for the hills!  Or at least stand on top of a chair.  Tiny yappy dogs have taken over a small town in Arizona, chasing children while their parents cower in doors.  Frantically calling 311 repeatedly, the number for Arizona animal control, which has received more than 6,000 calls in the past year alone.

Quick, put on some shin-guards!

According to ABC 15, the packs of tiny Napoleons and Hannibals first encountered the animal shelters,  then turned to the streets running bone stealing crews.  Seems like a life of crime was all that was available.

Resident Frank Garcia speaking to Fox 10:
"Well the last time I seen six or seven Chihuahuas... and big dogs running with the Chihuahua's in a pack running every single day."
The good people of Animal Control say they are fighting a losing battle.  The streets are overrun with ferocious furry gangs.  They are so inundated with calls, they don't have the manpower to patrol the streets.

Residents have been forced into submission.  The chihuahuas have won.  Residents say that now packs of 10-15 dogs chase children to school everyday.

At least the kids will be in good shape.


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Sunday, February 23, 2014

Funday: It's So Hard To Say Goobye...To Sochi

Well everybody, the day is here.  It is going to be over tonight, and boy is it a sad day.  Don't you worry, Funday isn't going anywhere.  I am talking about the Olympics.  It's time to say goodbye to Sochi tonight, and I am gonna miss it:




Yes Putin's paradise has provided so many hours of entertainment as Russia made good on being the weirdest Olympic games that I can remember.  The location in a subtropical resort, the 60 degree, weather, unfinished rooms, the terrible condition of courses, the roaming packs of stray dogs.  What other Olympic games could feature a headline like "Pussy Riot Whipped at Sochi Games by Cossacks"? --No other country on earth could claim that.   You kept it weird Russia, and you didn't change for anybody.  I am gonna miss it all, but I think most of all I will miss turning on my television in wonderment, guessing what Johnny Weir would be wearing for the day.

Go to hell Putin.

Goodbye Sochi, we hardly knew you.  Also to be honest, given all the bullshit, hopefully we never will again.

Let's get to it.

Sounds

Skrillex

Now hear me out.  I know, I know, Skrillex.  Just saying that name out loud can elicit a loud groan from most people.  I used to be one of them, then one day on a lark I heard some Skrillex that wasn't brostep bombast, and was more like UK underground pirate radio.  I didn't even know it was Skrillex until I looked it up and was shocked at the artist name.  What I am trying to say here is that sometimes Skrillex can be good, expand your horizons people.  Think this one is a fluke?  See this as well. 






Young Thug

I have long since reached the point where I struggle not to devote this entire blog to the every move of Atlanta's most eccentric new MC.  Young Thug is like a mashing Gucci Mane and Migos into one person, and then dosing that person with acid and putting a microphone in front of them.  Already he has released the best mixtape (Black Portland) and runaway underground hit of 2014. Sometimes you just know an artist is gonna be for you by looking at pictures of them.  Seriously that's all you need to do to know if you are gonna like Young Thug, just Google image search him (the preview one doesn't do him justice).  I am gonna go listen to this song another 1000 times.






Jess Glynne

Jess Glynne is on her way to becoming a big deal in the UK, and one listen to this song makes it very apparent why this is.  Everything about this one is top notch, from the beat, to the strings, to those Adele reminiscent vocal stylings.  Straight jam status.






Real Estate

If you haven't heard this song before, but you have heard Real Estate, then you have probably heard this song before.  This may sound like a shot at the band, but it is meant to be the opposite.  This band is so cool that over the years they have honed a sound and slowly perfected it.  You instantly recognize them when you hear them, and there is comfort in that.  Many bands would be happy with one song like this, Real Estate has about 30 of them.






Arctic Monkeys

Not many people I know have listened to this band.  Don't worry, I am not saying that as a point of pride, I am not a d-bag.  It makes me sad that most people I know don't know about them.  I'll put it this way: By some miracle this band came to my area and played a show.  I bought two tickets and ended up taking my friend who had never heard of them.  I am not gonna be arrogant and say that it was my plan, I just needed a person to come with me.  By the end of the show she was enraptured.  It was great.  I will continue to recommend this band until I croak.






Sights

Elders React to Flappy Bird

"What is this game called? Suicide?"






Ultimate Low Score

The folks at NotEntirelySure have attained the very attainable thing that no one somehow ever thought about.  The ultimate low score in Mario.  This video makes me unbelievably anxious.  Just please pick up one mushroom!  I cannot take it.






Mission Control Desk

I love my dad, I really do.  However the fact that he never built me something like this is currently making me very jealous of a small child.  Actually, forget being a child, I want something like this right now.  Perhaps my father never built this for me not because he didn't possess the skills, but because he knew that I would have never finished grade school.  If I had one of those things, there damn sure wouldn't be any homework getting done.






8-bit Inception

I may be tired of 8-bit inspired video games, and I am really tired of them.  However, these will never get old.  Apologies if you think the opposite, but seriously, whoever keeps doing these, keep it up. 







Logan Paul

Let's be pals.  Pals forever.







That's it for this week, see you next time.  All hail Pussy Riot.


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Friday, February 21, 2014

AOTW: Stupid Idiot Arrested For Videotaping Fake Drive-Bys On People

Welcome to a new weekly feature on this blog entitled "Asshole of The Week" (AOTW for short). Where each Friday we highlight one individual or group out of the many in the world, who are just the worst.  Now let's get into the first edition:

Most people would think that if they owned a fake BB-gun that looked very real, it would be a very bad idea to drive around pointing it at people for laughs.  Most people are thankfully not moronic assholes like Daron Stinson.  Who thought it would be funny to do exactly that.  Also, to prove how stupid he was, he decided to videotape his crimes and post them to his Instagram account.

Don't worry, he is now in jail.

The twenty-one-year-old is facing a host of felonies after he drove around Philadelphia, terrorizing people as he "pretended" to rob and shoot pedestrians with his pellet gun.  A pellet gun that to the unsuspecting victims looked exactly like the real thing.  All of it caught on video that was then posted to social media, for his entertainment.

In one video he points the gun at a 51-year-old man salting a sidewalk, and demands the man put his stuff in the trunk of the car.

In other videos Stinson posted himself shooting the pellet gun as his victims reacted in sheer terror.

Stinson's father Rodney speaking to NBC 10 in Philly:

"He considers it funny. He does a lot of other things. Nothing with the gun is funny. Nothing. I don't consider it funny."

Much of this can be contributed to the troubling Internet culture of viral "pranks" where other stupid people have become famous for causing what they think are practical jokes that actually hurt and terrorize their victims.  Most of whom have no idea what an actual prank is.

A prank is waking someone up and making them think they are late for work when in fact they are not. It is not putting butter on the floor so that they fall and hurt themselves.  It is also definitely not pointing what they think is a very real gun at them and pulling the trigger.

I actually saw one of these videos posted by Stinson (which I will not post here), and my immediate reaction other than disgust was a sincere hope that he would go to jail.  Sure enough, this morning I found out my wish had come true.

Congratulations Daron Stinson, you are the inaugural ASSHOLE OF THE WEEK.  Fuck you.


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Watch Will Ferrell's Downton Abbey Figure Skating Routine

While many (sore losers) are currently accusing the Olympic figure skating judges of suspicious judging, which happens every time, there is one man who isn't even being considered for a medal.  Despite the fact that last night on The Tonight Show, he did everything necessary to warrant a gold.

In fact, he should have gotten a gold medal just for this movie:

And another one for providing that awesome sample to Jay and Kanye

Ferrell used last night's appearance to showcase both his love for Downton Abbey, and his skills as an accomplished figure skater to the world.  Appearing in a skin tight spandex tuxedo, he then proceeded to give his routine to Fallon and the audience.

He didn't even need ice to do it either, as there was none.

"Are you Carson?" Fallon asked.  "I don't know," Ferrell replied, "I have never seen the show."

All the more impressive.

Check out the video below:





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Thursday, February 20, 2014

One Artist Is Turning Lovable Characters Into Monsters

Deviant Art has a bit of a joke reputation on the Internet, and for good reason.  It more than often is a home for awful artwork, both in subject matter and skill level.  I don't want to see Care Bear pornography, it is not something I plan to do with my day.

However, like it or not it is still the de facto home of the most art, and some of it is actually really great. Like the current project of Deviant Art user Tohad, whose so insane it's great project aims to mess with your childhood.  You see, Tohad hates cutsie things, so much so that he is on a mission to turn every cute character created into a horrible monster version.  The results are as follows:

Please don't get human legs, please don't do that.

His work only continues to get more and more funny and more and more disturbing as more projects come to fruition.  Check some other examples below, and tell me you don't want that Smurfs one hanging on your wall.

Fuck that pig.

These guys would have had no problem getting the kingdom back.

Dora just got serious.

That cat is dead. DEAD.

This one hit me right in the nostalgia!

Okay, now this one is creepy.
As imagined by Stanley Kubrick.  
Check out Tohad's gallery here, if you dare.  Seriously though, you should, he is talented.


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Finally Understand Curling With The Help of David Attenborough

For many people who are unable to work a Wikipedia page, curling can be the most confusing of all Olympic winter sports.  Is it like shuffleboard or not?  Why no matter the country does everyone yell "hard" all the time?  Why is Canada so good at it?

Not everybody can play hockey I guess.
  Don't worry though, because the Internet is here yet again to sort you out.  Though I imagine if you cannot work a Wikipedia page, odds are you aren't reading this right now...but forget about that logic and let's continue.

BBC radio host (and genius) Greg James convinced the living god of nature documentaries, and possessor of the world's most soothing voice Sir David Attenborough to explain curling once and for all through voice narration.  Now just as he helped you understand the lifestyle of monkeys in Madagascar, you will learn about the most unathletic sport in the Olympics, sort of.

"In all my years of exploration," he opens, "these are the creatures I find most curious... The aim of this ritual is to land your walnut in the centre of the nest."

Not sure if that is exactly correct, but it doesn't really matter.  This man could read you the phone book and it would be compelling.

Check it out:





Fascinating.


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Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Pizza Hut Shut Down After Dishwasher Is Caught Peeing In Sink

You may have thought Pizza Hut, the lowest of the low on the fast food rank, couldn't get any worse.  Well how about you introduce a little urine?

Oh no...

One of the chain's West Virginia stores was recently shut down after surveillance footage caught an employee, who happened to be the district manager, peeing in the dishroom sink.

Just to be clear, this particular Pizza Hut did indeed have a bathroom, as they all do.

The incident did happen after business hours, and he was not in fact peeing into/on the pizza.  However, authorities generally view that someone relieving themselves in the place where things are (in a working establishment) supposed to be sanitized, is a bad thing.  Something to do with violating health code.

A sign on the door of the restaurant says it was temporarily closed due to:

"conditions within the establishment constituting a substantial hazard to the public health,"

It could be days or weeks before the good people of West Virginia are able to receive low quality pizza again.  Poor people, they already live in West Virginia, and now they can't even eat at Pizza Hut.

Also, since it is 2014, here is the surveillance video:



Gee whiz.

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Marvel Gets Weird With Guardians of The Galaxy Trailer Premiere

The overwhelming success of comic book movies in the past decade has been unprecedented.  Many notable and fairly well known comic superheroes have made their way to the silver screen with almost exponential levels of success.  Especially from Marvel, who have taken their deep roster of beloved characters to the bank.  However, since they foolishly sold the rights to some of the most famous characters (looking at you Spiderman and X-Men) the company is starting to run out of well known faces to bring to the big screen.

Ladies and gentlemen, Marvel has officially entered the Deep Cuts era.



And if the end result for their new big budget movie is another runaway success, the world might finally realize what comic book fans have known for years: Comics are weird!

To usher in this new facet of comics to movies, Marvel has chosen one of the more strange and obscure franchises as their next installment.  Last night the trailer for Guardians of The Galaxy premiered, and boy does it look weird.  Weird, but also funny, and cool.  I never thought I would say that about a movie that features a talking, cigar chomping, criminal raccoon as one of its major characters.

His name is Rocket Raccoon, this movie probably cost $100 million.

The Guardians are a team, but The Avengers they are not.  They aren't really heroes, they are criminals.  Hell, most of them aren't even human, and the one human is television's favorite funny guy Chris Pratt

How could you not get behind that?

So it is weird, and what it also is, is expensive.  Or at least it looks to be right on par with the other huge budget Marvel productions.  This is crazy.  Crazy that they would take this risk,  that they would spend big bucks on such an obscure comic.  Let me put it this way, I have been a fan of comics since I was a child, and I had to look up what this was to remember it.

What's more interesting though, is what if this is a big hit?  Does that mean we get to see even more weird stuff?  Let's be clear here, there is a ton of weird stuff out there.  Or does it mean that we will finally see some more obscure but awesome material get it's own treatment?  Can I finally have my Black Panther movie?  Boy I hope so!

Anyway, check the trailer out below, it is surprisingly great:





Djimon Hounsou and John C. Reilly in a movie together?!  Sign me up.


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Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Technology and Art Has Reached Its Zenith With The Kate Upton Zero G Photoshoot

This is it people, this is what we have all been working towards.  No more need to research in the fields of science, or even try to create new artwork.  We have made it to the peak of creativity, the summit of human advancement.  Boobs everyone, but not just regular boobs, we have had those for a while now. Zero gravity boobs, courtesy of Kate Upton and Sports Illustrated.


So that's what happens...to her hair.
The sports magazine that is fond of featuring models in swimsuits has attempted to beat last year's Antarctic voyage with Upton by this time making her float.

Now we don't have to stay up late at night anymore wondering what Kate Upton would look like in a Zero-G swimsuit.  The answer is great.

Here are some of the photos:








Last year was Antarctica, this year a trip on the Vomit Comet.  What is next?  Boobs on Mars?

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Jimmy Fallon Is Now The Tonight Show Host

Jimmy Fallon opened his first monologue of The Tonight Show Monday night with one promise:

"I'm Jimmy Fallon and I'll be your host… for now."

He then thanked all the hosts that have come before him, including, "Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, and Jay Leno."

Zing!
 Then, from his desk in the new location back in New York City, Jimmy set out to prove that The Tonight Show is no longer a place where jokes go to die.  He brought his own brand of late night entertainment, and this is the way it is going to go down.  Hell, he even kept The Roots (good idea).

Like this intro piece, where Jimmy finally made those who doubted he would ever be the guy to host the premiere late night show, pay up:




Guess there were quite a few doubters.  Funny to see Lohan pay out $100 and not receive some sort of white powder.

Jimmy wasn't done there though, and continued to do things that Leno would not, or could not ever do.  Like bring out Will Smith and do an evolution of Hip Hop dance, with assistance form The Roots of course.  It'll make you want to break out your stone washed overalls again:




If this is the new Tonight Show, Leno can go ahead and stop checking his voicemails for the. "Please, come back!" call.  It isn't going to happen this time.


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Monday, February 17, 2014

Military Perfects Future Pizza

The Department of Defense has finally put its huge pockets to something mutually beneficial for the soldiers and the people the soldiers protect.  Long a innovator and driver of technological advances, nothing as of yet has equalled this accomplishment.

There is now an unfrozen piece of pizza that stays edible for years.

The pepperoni crumbles, and so does my perception of what is possible with food.

From the Associated Press:

They call it the holy grail of ready-to-eat meals for soldiers: a pizza that can stay on the shelf for as long as three years and still remain good to eat. 
Soldiers have been asking for pizza since lightweight individual field rations — known as meals ready to eat, or MREs — replaced canned food in 1981 for soldiers in combat zones or areas where field kitchens cannot be set up. 
Researchers at a U.S. military lab in Massachusetts are closing in on a recipe that doesn't require any refrigeration or freezing. 
"You can basically take the pizza, leave it on the counter, packaged, for three years and it'd still be edible," said Michelle Richardson, a food scientist at the U.S. Army Natick Soldier Research, Development and Engineering Center.

No longer able to endure another meal of "CHICKEN ALA KING" or "HAM SLICE" via their MRE's, soldiers have been clamoring for the Holy Grail of foods, pizza, for quite some time.  So researchers at the Natick lab have been working on the formula for over two years.  Why did it take so long?
Scientists' efforts were long thwarted because moisture in tomato sauce, cheese and toppings migrated to the dough over time, resulting in soggy pizza that provided the perfect conditions for mold and disease-causing bacteria to grow.

How do you overcome these frankly disgusting problems?  By adding "humectants" to the sauce, and boosting the tomato sauce's acidity, and also adding iron filings to the bag to suck up excess moisture.  There you have it, the modern pizza miracle.  That is, if you like eating food that was engineered.

Even if the troops don't turn out to care for the military-designed pizza they will find a home in doomsday preppers' bunkers, and in the hands of gamers too lazy to move from their chair to fufill their basic needs.


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The Jamaican Bobsled Team Needs A Medal For Best Theme Song

They may not be the best bobsled team.  In fact, the Jamaican Olympic bobsled team is ranked dead last after yesterday's heats.  However, as they continue to sign autographs and embody the idea that the world loves an underdog, there is one thing that the island citizens have nailed.  One place where they wipe the floor with their other winter olympian comrades. Promotional videos.

The 8-bit video produced by the Jamaican tourism board deserves it's own gold medal.

Talk about cool runnings.

It is basically Jamaica's answer to Dark Side of The Moon, the song and video are meant to be played over the footage of the team competing.  Playing in sync with the team as they slide down the bobsled course.

Judge for yourself, but this video novelty or not, deserves a spot on the podium.

Check it out:





It's bobsled time!


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Sunday, February 16, 2014

Funday: Don't Worry About Valentine's, LeBron Still Loves You

Yo! What's good kids?  I'll tell you what.  It is Funday, and congratulations, you made it.  Whether you are booed up or singular, you made it through the worst holiday, Valentine's.

Now I could go ahead and complain, but come on, you have heard it all before.  Especially if you have friends that are single.  You already know that even if they didn't post it, they probably looked at a picture like this at least once:

Admit it.
This isn't about Valentine's Day, it sucks, we know.  This is congratulations for you being too cool to succumb to a day designed to make you feel shitty.  And you know what?  You even get a prize, a genuine personification of joy in the form of basketball, because today is the NBA All-Star Game.

Who loves ya baby?  Your King does.

So buck up, enjoy some cool millionaires dunking a ball and not playing defense, you've earned it.

Let's go.

Sounds

Chelsea Wolfe

Alright everyone who is in a metal band and is about to make a music video that you think is totally hardcore.  Wait, first watch this.  Then go back to the drawing board and re-think your idea, because one woman singer just out "metaled" anything you probably thought of.  This thing is hardcore in sound an visuals to the very definition.  Also, props to any video director who can include werewolves in their video and not have it be a joke.  






Metronomy

I was just going to write "#DatTrackingShot" and leave it at that, and those of you who watched last week's episode of True Detective would get me.  However, I realized that there is more to say about this one.  It is fun, it is happy, it is peppy.  It makes me want to be in a band where we all wear orange blazers for every performance.  Also, I if the director is reading this, I will pay all the money for that television production room drawing set piece.  I must have it on my wall.






Wild Beasts

This song is called "Sweet Spot," and I haven't heard a more aptly titled song in a while folks.  Spindly, spidery guitar riffs and snapping drums come together, weaving rhythms into each other.  That is all before the trademark synths hit, and when they do, it is pretty great.  It's the best fucked up love song for you to roll your eyes to in the wake of Valentine's.






Todd Terje

"God damn! Why wasn't I born early enough to have been a cool undercover cop in 80's Miami!"  If that isn't the first thought you have when you listen to the following song, we probably should not even try to be friends.  It just won't work out.  If you were born early enough to be a rad undercover 80's Miami cop, and you didn't do that with your life, we also cannot be friends.






Nicki Minaj

Don't let the kaleidoscope colorful outfits, and cotton candy colored wigs fool you motherfucker.  Don't let the platinum plaques and the big checks get it twisted.  When Nicki wants to get down, she can still get busy.  No color here, no wigs or pink Lamborghinis.  Just black and white in the desert, and a whole lotta shells falling in the dirt.  






Young Widows

I was already ready to like this band given that their name makes me think that it would be the name of a group of badass women rappers.  Turns out they are rad regardless of their name.  I win anyway.






Sights

Empire Invades Sochi

Look, I am an all about the olympics.  I also am all behind glorious competition and the purity of sport. However, when the AT-AT walkers start rolling in, I think it is time to hang it up.  






Lego Movie Blooper Reel

The Lego Movie might just be the best movie ever made.  Seriously, go look at Rotten Tomatoes if you don't believe me.  Considering it very well should have, and had almost no incentive to be anything other than a 90 minute toy commercial, the fact that it is amazing is actually a mini-miracle.  Here is the blooper reel, if you haven't seen the movie yet.  If you don't want to see it after this, I don't know what to tell you.  






Movies Vs Life (2)

If you happened to pass the test from above and are my friend, then I have a request for you.  You should probably start working on your grip strength.  I fully expect to fall off a cliff at some point in my life, and I am gonna need you there with the appropriate finger muscles/bicep power to save my ass.  I mean, I am already working on it right now.  It's the least you could do.







Ben and Matt Aren't Friends

Affleck was in Gigli.  Although Damon did make We Bought A Zoo.  Damon was Jason Bourne, but Affleck gets to be Batman.  I do still like Good Will Hunting, although mainly because of Robin Williams being actually good in it, and Minnie Driver being sexy.  Aw, who am I kidding, they are both pretty good.





Evgeni Plushenko Pony Bomb

If you read last week's Funday, then you know that I am currently spending every waking minute not working on watching the olympics.  One of the major stories was the OG Russian figure skating badass Evgeni Plushenko having to pull out of competition at the last minute due to his body being wracked with injuries.  So to celebrate him, let's watch this video.  It involves a muscle suit, generous amounts of hip thrusts, and a re-dubbing of the music, replacing it with Ginuwine's 1996 classic "Pony."  It's the best thing I have seen all year.





That's it for this one. See you next week.  

What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine

Friday, February 14, 2014

Enjoy Your Valentine's Day With Romantic Quotes From Vin Diesel

Valentine's Day is here, also known as the day where people needlessly hate themselves because of a meaningless holiday.  But you don't need to be sad today, you can have a wonderful Valentine's alone, because even if you don't have anybody to love there is one person who still loves you.

That person is star of the silver screen, Vin Diesel.

Careful, I am tough, but shy.
When he isn't starring in hit movies, or dancing to "Drunk in Love", he is trying to make you feel better about yourself.

Vin Diesel is a romantic guy, which is why he took it upon himself to help you do your Valentine's Day right.  After all, he did star in a movie called XXX.  From his excellent Facebook page Diesel has taken it upon himself to compile nine of his best romantic quotes to make this 14th of February one that you won't soon forget.

The clip, compiled by What's Trending, shows Vin with a baby lion ("his affection calms me") while spouting inspirational quotes like:  "Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only angels will leave footprints on your heart."

It's the best. Check it out:




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Heroin Smuggler Comes Up With The Worst Cover Story

A Virginia man who happened to be smuggling a quarter million dollars worth of heroin blew his own cover, when he came up with the dumbest cover.  You would think that a person trusted with this much of a quantity of drugs would maybe think of something just in case, before he got pulled over.  You would however, be wrong.

Hello, officer.  Before you ask, I just wanted to say there's no heroin in here.

Jefferson county police pulled over a 64-year-old man for an obscured license plate on his GMC SUV this past Monday night.  Again, another thing you might want to take care of before you start smuggling $250,000 worth of heroin all around town.

The responding officer noticed that the man appeared "extremely nervous" and asked him where he was going.

The man said he was on his way to Houston, to visit a sick elderly friend--who was apparently in a children's hospital.  The first place the man could think of when asked where his friend had been hospitalized was the Texas Children's Hospital.

Officers then asked to search the car.  Inside they found a satchel containing the quarter million dollars of H, wrapped in bundles.

The man is being held on $100,000 bail.


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Thursday, February 13, 2014

Cool Daredevil Continues To Evade Police After Illegal Base Jump

Police are still searching for the man who illegally pried the doors open on a gondola lift and illegally base jumped 1,500 feet as a tribute to an extreme skier who died while jumping off a cliff.

This is the only way I know how to express my loss!

The stunt was dedicated to Shane McConkey, who had jumped from the same peak to peak gondola when it opened.  McConkey tragically died in 2009, when his parachute failed to deploy after jumping off of a 2,000 foot cliff in Northern Italy.

Police tried to arrest the man when he landed from his jump last Thursday, but apparently the man who is good at base jumping also has another talent.  He is good at evading the police, a useful skill for someone whose favorite pastime is to illegally jump off of things:

"A Whistler Blackcomb patroller and RCMP travelled to the landing zone with the intent to arrest the individual, who was not apprehended despite an extensive search."

The woman in the video told police that she didn't know the man, that he was "just sightseeing."

Police say that in addition to the illegal jump, the two caused $10,000 worth of damage to the gondola doors.

Check it out:




Whoa, dude.


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