Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Thanks To Sony Being Hacked You Can Finally Know Celebrities Stupid Fake Names

Okay, so Sony got hacked to damn hell.  You probably heard about it.  Everybody thought it was North Korea, because Sony was putting a movie starring James Franco and Seth Rogen out about killing their Dear Leader.  Also, that totally not only seems like something the insanity that is the entire nation of the Up-Top Korea would do, but the kind of low rent hacking that they just might be able to pull off with their computers made of 1975 Apple II's and coconuts.  They can't get the CIA, but yeah, sure, they could probably get a movie company.

Come on Korea, this thing will be forgotten in a few weeks.  Tops.  Trust me.

Although it maybe wasn't Korea after all, but some people who support them.  Because while Korea didn't admit to it, they did offer the whole thing was a "A righteous deed."  Which is totally something they'd say.  Also the people that supposedly did make you able to see some free movies online that you probably didn't want to go see anyway, issued their own statement.  A statement, that if you are at all hip to N. Korea's use of english and syntax, actually totally sounds like something they would say:

"Stop immediately showing the movie of terrorism which can break the regional peace and cause the War!"

 However, all this is neither here nor there, because the hack of Sony has revealed the best information you will get to see all week.  All thanks to our Korean overlords, who probably offered it as some sort of olive branch to start negotiations over what will heretofore be known as "The Franco Incident."

We got to find out just how dumb all the aliases celebrities use are.  They're dumb, real dumb.

Gonna go out there and bet his is Chet Speedman.

A new round of files were put on Github today by Guardians of Peace, the organization that claims to be behind the hack of Sony Pictures Entertainment. The hack has already been responsible for troves of embarrassing internal documents being released into the wild (to say nothing of the intensely personal), and this list of aliases probably won't make some of Hollywood's most high-profile talent too happy.

The following list comes from Fusion's Kevin Roose, who found a document that includes various contact info for anyone who might work on a film—directors and actors included.

In the latest batch of files leaked by a hacking group known as "Guardians of Peace," there is a folder containing "publicity bibles" for many recently released Sony Pictures films. These documents, which are compiled and distributed among film staff, serve as contact directories for the duration of filming. They include phone numbers and e-mail addresses for directors, producers, publicists, cast members, and crew. And, in some cases, they include the false names stars assume in order to protect their privacy.

It's also got the good stuff, the dumb names:
Tom Hanks: goes by "Harry Lauder" and "Johnny Madrid" 
Sarah Michelle Gellar: goes by "Neely O'Hara" 
Tobey Maguire: goes by "Neil Deep" 
Natalie Portman: goes by "Lauren Brown" 
Clive Owen: goes by "Robert Fenton" 
Rob Schneider: goes by "Nazzo Good" 
Taye Diggs: goes by "Scott Diggs" 
Jude Law: goes by "Mr. Perry" 
Daniel Craig: goes by "Olwen Williams" 
Jessica Alba: goes by "Cash Money" 
Ice Cube: goes by "Darius Stone" and "O'Shea Jackson" 
Debra Messing: goes by "Ava Harper"

So okay, I was a little off on the Danny Craig one.  However, I was, through tears of laughter, able to glean some details/observations.  Like Tom Hanks should ditch his regular name and become Johnny Madrid.  I could see some box office improvements in his future.

Rob Schneider really is devoid of any actual talent, including the ability to come up with a good fake name.  Taye Diggs also just has no imagination whatsoever.

And Tobey Macguire is already planning for the possibility that if he ever needs to one day make his bones as a porn star, he at least won't need to worry about picking a good name.  He's already set for that scenario.  Like anybody would recognize Tobey Macguire.  Are there really a bunch of Cider House Rules fans still out there?

Also, who do you think you are Jessica Alba?  You cannot think of your own fake dumb name?  You have to steal whole-hog a name that not only was already taken by a successful rap and music label, but you also had the gall to pick a name that doesn't even make sense for a person to have?!  If anything, you probably actually drew even more attention to yourself.  Now people are gonna be showing up to hotels expecting to see the whole Cash Money/Young Money family including but not limited to: Lil' Wayne, Drake, Nicki Minaj, Young Thug, Rich Homie Quan, and/or Birdman.  Not the actress who starred in 2003's dance inspirational story Honey!

Nobody can stand up to that lineup, even Nancy from Sin City.  You're only setting yourself up for failure Ms. Alba.  You're only hurting yourself.

What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine  

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