Friday, November 14, 2014

AOTW: Just Don't Lifetime

Welcome back to The Asshole of The Week, where each Friday we single out one person, place, or thing that is the absolute worst.  This week it was alarmingly too easy, as one television network opens up their ass and proceeds to once again shit over the legacy of a dead celebrity by making a fucking travesty of a biopic about them.

You may have heard the news, Aaliyah, one of the Millennial generation's greatest and most tragic stars, is getting her own biopic.  Then you probably heard the other news, it is going to be on Lifetime.

The deepest of sighs...

Yes, the network that is usually responsible for those pearl-clutching, exploitative piece of shit movies your aunt who you think is an idiot always watches.  The kind of original content that usually revolves around "shocking" pop-culture like their classic take on Jodi Arias.

Even without seeing the film, the single fact that knowing perhaps one of the most beloved and talented young stars of the first decade of the 2000's is getting such abysmal treatment for her story warrants some kind of anger.

Just look at this trailer:

Still don't believe it is going to be terrible and an embarrassment to the legacy of Aaliyah?  Well perhaps these tidbits of info will explain it more.  Following are some other important details supporting the idea that this is a really bad fucking idea at the very least:

  1. To reiterate, Lifetime is involved.  This is the network that brought us Liz and Dick.  Or The Unauthorized Saved By the Bell Story.  Let's not forget The Brittany Murphy Story.
  2. Aaliyah's family has opposed it's production at every turn, refusing to license any of her music for the production.  This means aside from shitting all over the wishes of the family of the deceased artist, we will also get the most half-assed, second-recreations of Missy Elliot and Timbaland's sound.
  3. Zendaya Coleman, the first actress chosen to play Aaliyah, left the project early on, citing a lack of production value and music.
  4. The trailer features the music of Iggy Azalea.  The best way to brace viewers for a virtual onslaught of mediocrity and disappointment is to employ the music of the Down Under rapper.
  5. Without a doubt, the most despicable and disgusting addition.  The film romanticizes the relationship between noted pedophile R. Kelly and Aaliyah.  Their marriage, when he was 27 and she was...fucking 15 years old.
Yes, you read that last one right.  This fucking movie claims that this "love story" is handled tastefully.  Ready to get even more angry?  Well here's a quote from talk show host and human piece of garbage Wendy Williams, who is a producer on the film:

"The family is not happy that the movie is being done but we did it so tastefully, I think the family would be proud," Williams told the hosts of The View. "We're not throwing anybody under the bus, but we are telling a story."

Who can spin pedophilia into something positive?  Wendy Williams.

I can't write anymore about this.  My hands are tensing up from anger.

Fuck you Lifetime.  Fuck your assumption that your pockets being filled is an excuse to make whatever bullshit you want despite how it affects the subjects involved because you know dumbasses will watch it.  Fuck your terrible skills at producing movies, and most of all fuck you Wendy Williams.  You are the worst.

Congratulations, it's the Asshole of the Week everybody.

What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine  

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