Thursday, September 18, 2014

Teen Crashes SUV Because His Armpit Hair Was On Fire

Teens, they often get a bad wrap.  They can be loving, caring, intelligent, and incredibly insightful.  Well, that is when they aren't setting each other's armpit hair on fire while driving a massive hunk of metal erratically down a road.

Just when I was gonna give you some credit...

Surprisingly, most driver's ed programs don't cover the scenario of: "if you don't want to crash, make sure not to set your armpit hair on fire."  So I guess it is all our fault.  Now you may be thinking "it's just a little armpit fire. No big deal."  But you would be wrong.  Turns out it can seriously impair your driving ability, as some young morons in Boise found out firsthand.

The driver was 18, and while said to be speeding and driving erratically prior to the crash, was managing to keep the Ford Bronco on the road, thanks in part to his pair of non-flaming armpits. That driving advantage was taken away from him when his 16 year-old passenger had the fantastic idea of setting the driver's pit hair on fire.

It is unclear why the passenger set his companion, and person in charge with not murdering him while driving's armpits on fire.  Perhaps he was unhappy with the driver's underarm hygiene. Maybe he was a pit nihilist, and just wanted to see the world's pits burn.  

Another question would be how he so seemingly easily got the flame to the pits.  Although the odds are that it was due to the preferred fashion item of the dumb male teen, the sleeveless t-shirt.  

The result, of course, was clear.  The driver freaked out and lost control of the car, rolling it and ending up on the side of the road. There were two teen girls in the back, no doubt impressed by the 16 year old's witty and erudite armpit-flambĂ© bit, and no one was wearing seat belts, because, of course.

No one was hurt, despite the girls being flung from the Bronco and into the Boise outdoors.  Thus, nobody probably learned a thing.

So, here's the lesson: I know it's hard. I know those armpits are tempting little pockets of fur just begging for a good burn-down. But don't. Don't set fire to any armpits (or crotches, for that matter) of anyone driving a car.


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