Thursday, October 31, 2013

Great People Show How To Make Subway Conductors Happy

Ah, people of New York City. For all your flaws, your hipsterisms, your bad manners, your general snotty attitude, you can still manage to be delightful human beings should the mood strike you. Not to mention original as well.

Well the mood has stricken Yosef Lerner and Rose Sacktor as they have decided to spice up both the lives of the commuting New Yorker and the daily routine of another special group. Those who spend their time in the subway, as their job.

Being a subway conductor seems like it could be a lonely job, shut up by yourself in the front of the train. With only the bleary eyed and often grumpy passengers to look at as you pull into their station, and then watch them fall away as you pull out. Lerner and Sacktor realized this possibility and decided to take action in a unique way.

You see every time a subway train in NYC pulls into a stop, the conductors have to point at a striped black and white sign. The conductors are required do to this in order to let everyone know that they have fully pulled into the station. The idea Lerner and Sacktor came up with is as simple as it is genius, to stand under these signs with their own created signs. Signs they know the conductors must point at. Signs like this one:

Yep. Perfect.
While the "point here if you are dead sexy" sign is clearly the best, the duo have created a bunch of other alternatives to put a big fat smile on those poor conductors faces, and probably also everyone else who witnesses their shenanigans going on underground. Some of the other examples which simply ask to "point here if":
  • You are not wearing pants right now

  • You have taken a selfie while driving

  • You have seen a passenger naked

  • Shoot the target with your laser finger [bullseye]
  • You still love Thomas The Tank Engine

  • Snape kills Dumbledore

  • The 2nd Ave Subway is a lie

  • NY is the greatest city in the world
Smiling yet? Well if you aren't (which probably means you are terrible) then you are in luck, because like most smart people who have a good idea, the two have filmed themselves in the act.

Seriously, watch this before you begin your day, it might just make you delighted.

Check it out:





Thanks you two.


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Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Don't Use Megabus To Smuggle Drugs Anymore

Here I am thinking I was the only one that had this idea. Just goes to show you are never as original as you may think. I am not the only one that has had the idea to use this transportation for an imaginary drug ring, as others have been doing it for real and now the cops are on to it.

Man, that was gonna be my backup plan in case I lost everything. Back to the drawing board.

The Burlington Free Press reports that a man was arrested in Vermont with 30 grams of crack that he had smuggled via Megabus from New York City. This was the fifth time in less than a year that someone was busted smuggling drugs into Vermont from Megabus. All the arrests have prompted the University of Vermont, which has it's own Megabus stop, to consider ending it's relationship with the company. And all I thought that happened in Vermont was maple syrup production.

University representative Enrique Corredara in a statement:

"We have been working with Megabus since early in the year to find an alternative location for the bus stop that serves both the company’s interests and ours. There is clearly an ongoing problem that could put our community at risk. We take this issue seriously and are currently evaluating our options in order to identify a suitable and safe alternative location for the stop."

What ever happened to GreyHound?


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Sriracha Is Delicious And Also Possibly A Chemical Weapon

If you had to make a quick guess on what you thought were delicious food capitals of the world, chances are you wouldn't guess Irwindale California. However, as far as I am concerned it is very much one of the champions of taste, because this city aside from a bunch of rock quarries, is home to the 655,000 square foot Huy Fong Foods factory. Otherwise known as the people who make the benevolent Asian hot sauce known as Sriracha AKA the stuff I am squirting into my mouth as I write this.

I am also writing this while bathing in the stuff.  My keyboard is a mess.
 As far as this writer is concerned this stuff is magical. Magical in the sense that you can add it to any food, good or otherwise (although in my case the food I make is always otherwise) to instantly make it both spicy and exotic. Simultaneously making the gruel you are forced to suck down both delicious and also improve your warped sense of culinary ability.

However unlike the lucky citizens of Irwindale (which totally seems like it should be a name of a place in Game of Thrones) I actually have to put on pants and go to the grocery store to obtain said product. Whereas they can just mosey on down to the factory and probably get a 55 gallon drum of the stuff, you know, enough to last a week.

Things though in the mystical town of Irwindale aren't exactly as wonderful as you may think though, when a recently filed lawsuit suggests that some of the town's inhabitants are sick of the chili odor emanating from the plant, which is making them feel ill.

Say it ain't so! 

A report from the Los Angeles Times:

The city of Irwindale filed suit in Los Angeles County Superior Court on Monday, claiming that the odor was a public nuisance and asking a judge to stop production until the smell can be reduced. 
"Given how long it’s going on, we had no choice but to institute this action," [Irwindale City Attorney Fred] Galante said.

Residents of the town say that they are experiencing headaches, sore throats, and burning eyes due to the Sriracha plant after the company started production in the town last year. That's clearly the problem, you are supposed to eat the stuff not breathe it.

According to the lawsuit, Irwindale officials met with representatives from Huy Fong Foods to try and find an out-of-court solution to the problem, but they claim the company denied there was an issue. They illustrated that their employees don't encounter any of the problems that the residents seem to.

Huy Fong currently sells 20 million bottles of the sauce a year without a cent spent on advertising. The judge is being asked in the lawsuit to stop production of Sriracha until the health problems for the residents can be resolved.

I will see you in the sauce isle if this happens, but be careful, because I will be carrying a knife. I will have my rooster sauce.


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Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Bus Driver Bans 10-Year-Old Boy For Reciting Arabic Prayer

Yep, there are still assholes out there.

A lawsuit filed last Friday in Brooklyn Federal Court has charged that a 10-year-old Brooklyn boy was banned from a Metro Transit Authority bus by a driver and labeled a "terrorist." His crime, reciting a prayer in Arabic after he lost his MetroCard.

Call me crazy, but doesn't everyone assume bus drivers are just assholes in general?

According to the family's lawyer, Hader Naqvi, the boy was trying to take a bus home from Sheepshead Bay where his school was located last October. He quickly realized that he had lost his MetroCard as he attempted to board the bus. In an attempt to help him locate the card, he recited this short prayer in the language of his religion:

“I stand in the name of God the most merciful, the most beneficent.”

All it took was one sentence and the bus driver had enough, he became angry and promptly kicked the boy off of the bus and called him a terrorist to boot.

After the incident MTA representatives met with the family, but not much information was shared with them including the identity of the driver in question. At that point the family decided to take legal action, and have decided to sue the agency and the driver for unspecified damages.

A spokesman from the MTA has declined to comment on the developments.

Discrimination still going strong in the world's most popular city.


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Monday, October 28, 2013

This Wes Anderson Horror Movie Is Fake, But It Needs To Be Real

Right in time for Halloween, we have a treat on our hands courtesy of this past week's Saturday Night Live. Host Edward Norton killed the show with some genuinely funny skits, something current SNL seems to have few and far between these days.

However the best skit from the show was the sketch show's own riff on the love him or hate him, oh so quirky Wes Anderson. Exploring what kind of film could come from the hipster messiah if he were to decide to do a horror movie, the results were fantastic.

Yellow font? Weird clothes? You nailed it.
Billed as coming from "the twisted mind of Wes Anderson," The Midnight Coterie of Sinister Intruders has everything you could possibly want from an Anderson film. Yellow Futura fonts, record players, Danny Glover, and of course Tilda Swinton as the town constable.

Most of all it has Edward Norton (an Anderson alum) playing Owen Wilson (also frequent Anderson collaborator) and if that isn't meta as Hell I don't know what is.

Check it out if you are an Anderson fan, and if you aren't check it out anyway and then go watch The Life Aquatic for fuck's sake.




Oh and also go watch Royal Tenenbaums, because fucking Gene Hackman, that's why.

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Texas Hunters Want To Kill Endangered Rhino To Save The Rest Of Them

Oh this story, how ridiculous it is. Here we go. A hunting group out of Dallas has plans to auction off a permit to kill an endangered black rhinoceros, in order to raise money to save the black rhinoceros. Probably so that they can later kill the black rhinoceros.

"Say.....whaaaaaaaat?!"

The definitive ironic endeavor is being held by the Dallas Safari Club, whose head Ben Carter recently spoke to the Agence French Presse about the aims of the movement:

"First and foremost, this is about saving the black rhino," he said.
He then probably muttered almost inaudibly, "so that when their numbers improve we can make money hunting them again."

The country of Namibia, home to some black rhinos, apparently has the rights to kill 5 of the endangered animals and it just so happens that the Dallas Safari Club has won the rights to take down the unsuspecting animals this year.

The price for the single permit that will appear in auction is expected to fetch $250,000 to $1 million next year at the club's convention (there are safari conventions?) Now here is where we get more ridiculous.

The cause of the black rhino's decline? Let's say it all together now, massive hunting! The rhinos have been killed to acquire their valuable horn, which many in Africa believe contains special healing powers.

The money from the auction would go to the Conservation Trust Fund, which protects the large animals. However, not everyone is very excited about the whole idea. Including Wayne Pacelle, the president of the Humane Society of the United States. In speaking to Al Jazeera he had this to say:

"The world is seeing a concerted effort to preserve the very few black rhinos and other rhinos who are dodging poachers' bullets and habitat destruction. The last thing they need are wealthy elites from foreign lands coming in to kill them for their heads."

Now I am no expert on raising funds, but I have an idea that I think would raise some major coin without any rhinoceros being hurt. How about instead you auction off one of the Dallas Safari Club members to be hunted and killed in order to save the rhinos. If you really care about their well being, this would be the way to go for sure.

I know for a fact that there are some bored tuxedoed gentlemen somewhere who are lazily sipping their brandy in their bound leather chairs, desperately waiting for a new exotic thrill.

Just saying...
 Surely it would draw a hell of a lot more than a puny $1 million.


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Sunday, October 27, 2013

Funday: It's Internet Time Baby

Oh hey, didn't see you there. I am so delighted that you decided to drop by and surprise me! And on Funday of all days! I just so happened to be collecting some great tunes and videos, which I happen to know you like, and here you are right on my doorstep.

Seriously though, glad you are here.

So come on in, it's nice and warm in here. Where before you were but a babe in the woods during the week now you will emerge from this Funday a wolf amongst sheep. Let's go!

Sounds

Kyary Pamyu Pamyu

Okay, we are starting off getting weird. I heard this song and then I was never able to un-hear it again. Just like in The Ring I have to share it with the world before it devours me. Following is a video that will simultaneously delight you and also haunt your dreams. Watch it and I dare you to think otherwise afterwards.






Arctic Monkeys

Back to reality, and what a snapback this will be. You know, sometimes in this world of Post-Rock music and terrible drivel it can be easy to forget what fucking rock stars  look like. Then you watch an Arctic Monkeys video and you are reminded.






Lil Durk

Chief Keef, you can take a break, because while you continue to try to remake "Love Sosa" over and over to lesser success there is a new guy taking over your lane. To call this guy next up for glory would be a understatement, let me put it this way: When his latest mixtape "Signed To The Streets" hit Datpiff (the biggest mixtape website) it broke the whole site. Combining the street lifestyle of Drill with an excellent ear for catchy song structure, this guy is about to blow up even bigger than he currently is.






I Break Horses

This song, good. The way they use black and white to make water and steam look incredible, great.






Arcade Fire

I don't want to use this statement lightly so here goes: There is no way that this album will be anything but the best this year. I don't like to say that for fear that it will undermine any semblance of integrity I may have in being able to evaluate music. You start saying that statement too much and everyone will always think that you think everything is the best always. That said, when Reflektor comes out it will probably make Arcade Fire the biggest rock band in the world, as they continue to make music less and less like rock. Crazy.







Sights

British NBA Announcers

Blow a pleasant dream through my window! Note to all cable/satellite subscribers, if you added "crazy British as Hell" announcer features to your NBA games packages, I would buy that shit every single year. Just watch, and if you have ever seen a professional soccer game commentated, then definitely watch.






Captain America: The Winter Soldier

Captain America is America's First Superhero, but who would have thought his movies would turn into the most awesome James Bond/Superhero mash-ups the world has ever seen. It's got elevator fights, eyepatches, sexy redheads, and a whole bunch of guns. I am sold. With the way this and the new Thor movie look, I think it is safe to say Marvel can keep making movies without using the whole of The Avengers for quite some time.






10 Amazing Simpsons Facts

The Simpsons is still on television, and that is awesome. It is still a great show, and the people who claim it isn't funny anymore are either doing so to be a hipster, or are assholes who hate fun. It is a fact of nature. Here is a great Simpsons video, because as long as the show is still around I will still keep putting videos about it here.






Wakeskating

Wakeboarding and Skateboarding have collided. Now watch this video, I will say no more about it which would definitely spoil it.






We are officially putting this Funday to rest. So get out there and give em' hell kid, you are now prepared with adequate water cooler reference type talk for your week. See you next time.


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Friday, October 25, 2013

These Vintage Postcards Will Take You Back To When New York Was The World's Center

New York City is still one of the shining lights in the world, but globalization whether you like it or not, has began to open the world to other great places, each with their own illuminations. However, there was a time not too long ago, in the 1940's to be exact, that NYC was the center of the world. It was a different era, before all the flashing lights and LEDs, when skyscrapers were still a source of pride and affluence.

People from everywhere flocked to the mecca of the world's advancement and even if they didn't stay, they took with them a little piece of the magic in the form of a postcard. Let's check out a bygone era when all it took to make your neighbors jealous was a little piece of cardboard with a wonderful picture of the Empire State building on it.











What an era.


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Thursday, October 24, 2013

Racist Man Manages To Shock The Daily Show

Over the years The Daily Show's "field reporters" have had some very oblivious and very hilarious responses to their various interviewees. Hell, it is one of the major parts of the show, and many very talented funny people have made careers off being the sly impetus for these encounters. However, last night correspondent Aasif Mandvi appeared to be caught off guard at just how oblivious his interview subject actually was.

No one could think this guy was a doofus, right?

Mandvi was this time speaking with Buncombe County Republican precinct chair Don Yelton about North Carolina's controversial new voter ID law which requires among other things, voters to produce a valid ID at the time of voting. In the usual Daily Show manner during the interview, Mandvi tried to produce a reaction by prompting, "the law is not racist, and you're not racist."

Mandvi and the audience no doubt expected a "no" response, but what happened however was very different. Instead of the no, Yelton responded, "well, I have been called a bigot before."

And away we go!

Yelton then tried to explain all the ways he wasn't a racist, which totally never makes things worse. He was not a racist bigot because:
  1. One of his best friends is black
  2. That photo of President Obama dressed as a witch doctor he posted on his Facebook page wasn't making fun of his black side but merely his white side, so it's okay.
  3. Recalling how when he was a young man that black people were called "negras."
  4. Bemoaning the fact that black people can use the n-word but white people cannot.
These are the things he actually said.

A visibly uncomfortable Mandvi responded, "You know we can hear you right?"

Yelton was not finished yet, he wanted to make sure that people knew the true reason for the new voter law was not to adhere to Republican standards and beliefs for voting practices but, "to kick Democrats in the butt."

Oh boy.

Check out the clip for yourself:






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University Of Iowa TA Sends Out Homemade Porn To Students Instead Of Math Solutions

Some math students at the University of Iowa were given a lesson in the birds and bees rather than mathematics when their teacher's assistant emailed them a file attachment which contained her own pornography rather than answers to their homework.


What's that teacher's always say about checking your work before you turn it in?

According to the students who received the emails, the sex pics or "nude gifs" were captured during a private session of "cybersex" between the TA and her boyfriend. Which for some reason took place during a Google+ Hangout Session.

The solution to what happens when a man and a woman love each other very much...

Total Frat Move, which is actually the name of a thing someone created, has managed to obtain the pics (because of course they would) and offers this description:

The images are from a video chat that is quite sexual in nature. It appears that two people are “cyber-sexing” from different locations using video equipment. Both are nude and, well, “engaging” themselves in a sexual manner. They appear to be having a grand time.

Equally stupidly named Barstool U has also obtained the pics themselves, although they are thankfully very censored, but I am not going to post a link to them. It's the Internet, you can find them yourself if you are that needy.

University of Iowa spokesperson Tom Moore has released a statement saying the TA "regrets her actions" and "insists it was an accident."

The school plans to "take appropriate under our policies and procedures," Moore has asked that the students who received the email kindly delete it. Good luck on that one.



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Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Pope Francis Suspends "Bling Bishop" For His Outrageous Expenditures

Pope Francis has suspended Germany's "Bishop of Bling" today after he learned that the bishop spent as much as $55 million on renovations to his official residence. These renovations included a $20,000 bathtub, meanwhile the collection plates still flow.

You have to be ballin' hard when the man who ostensibly lives in a golden city has had enough.

The "Bling Bishop" Franz-Peter Tebartz-van Elst or as I like to call him "Bishop With Too Many Damn Names" met with Pope Francis earlier this week to discuss his home renovations. Which includes (make sure you are sitting down) the aforementioned $20,000 bathtub, $35,000 for a conference table, $1.1 million on a garden, and a $4 million chapel. All told the cost could reach $55 million which in case you are not too hot with numbers, is a lot more than the already high $7.5 million which was allotted to Tebartz-van Elst's predecessor.

"Yes Your Holiness, I will be praying every day...in my $4 million chapel! BALLIN!"

The Vatican has issued a statement on the matter:

"The Holy See deems it appropriate to authorize a period of leave from the diocese for Franz-Peter Tebartz-van Elst. A situation has been created in which the bishop can no longer exercise his episcopal duties."

Yeah, a situation called "I can't stop gold plating my walls with all this free money."

Tebartz-van Elst is also under investigation for a previous trip to India, where he reportedly used church money to fly first class among other things.

Living humbly has been one of Pope Francis' main priorities. He has shunned the opulence of the Vatican's luxurious papal residence and choosing to live in the much more humble Casa Santa Marta. Making it that much harder for a man nicknamed the "Bishop of Bling" to explain how he may have gotten that nickname.


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Air Passengers May Be Exposed To Dangerous Dark Lightning Radiation

Everything about this sounds awesome, except the dangerous radiation part. It sounds like the beginning of a comic book, but scientists have proven the existence of dark lightning, an invisible force that can expose airline passengers to dangerous amounts of gamma radiation. Remind me how a comic book about an airline of people suddenly becomes superheroes during a routine flight has not happened yet?

Fuck a singular Hulk. How about a few hundred Hulks that are mad they didn't get to vacation in Scottsdale?
Professor Joseph Dwyer of the Florida Institute of Technology explains:

"Passengers flying through a thunderstorm when a Terrestrial Gamma Flash occurs would receive a significant dose of [gamma ray] radiation, comparable to a full body CT scan."  
 These flashes are caused by dark lightning and amount to a sizable part of your lifetime radiation budget. In speaking to ABC Science, Professor Dwyer elaborated on the unique name of the occurence, that this:

"exotic type of discharge, which we've coined dark lightning, produces a lot of high energy electrons and their anti-matter counterparts called positrons. This generates lots of gamma rays, but not much visible light, which is why we call it dark lightning."

Which coincidentally, I now have ceased the search for a name for my speed metal band thanks to science. Dark Lightning it is folks.

Dwyer and his team published a research paper on the journal Geophysical Research Letters which demonstrates "lightning like events responsible for TGFs emit relatively little visible light, and thus, are in inherently dark." The TGFs which were first recorded by NASA's Compton gamma ray telescope in 1994-may be caused by electron avalanches that retro-feed themselves within thunderclouds. All I could think typing that last sentence was I really hope that in their report NASA said that their findings came "STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON."

Pilots do try to avoid storms as much as they can, but sometimes that is not always an available option. So crossies next time you are in business class on your way to a seminar, maybe instead you will come out as Superman!


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Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Tennessee Cop Fired After Gun Battle With Squirrel

Are police around our nation resorting to force too quickly? Perhaps.

A police officer lost his job after a bloody battle that took place inside of a store with one of the world's most dangerous creatures, a squirrel. The battle for the ages went down in a fitting locale as well, inside a Dollar General store in Mountain City, Tennessee.

Exactly the venue I think of when I imagine a battle between man and beast.
Reports on what exactly transpired remain varied, but what is definite is that Officer Jody Putnam was called to the scene by a concerned employee to deal with a squirrel trapped in the store. He then at some point apparently did what any sane person would do when dealing with a squirrel. He pulled his gun and fired at the animal, in front of other people.

When he missed the small animal with his service weapon, instead of realizing maybe he should just use a jacket to catch it, he produced his next most dangerous weapon, pepper spray. This time he got the squirrel, effectively subduing the ravenous beast. He also managed to pepper spray the people who remained in the store.

I don't know about you, but if a policeman opened fire on a squirrel, I would have stepped out before his next idea came to fruition.

Local news WJHL reports:

"Shooting back there, of course that should not have been, that should not have happened," said property owner Carl Duffield. 
But that didn't work, so he tried another weapon. 
Duffield said, "then they began to spray it with mace and pepper spray."
And the mace affected more than just the squirrel. 
"There was a lot of people that come out and just like me they came out and they were coughing and a hacking," said Duffield, "It was comical, but I'm sure they didn't feel that way, the customers that came out."

However, according to the reporting of Mountain City's own The Tomahawk (which is a rad name for a paper) Putnam used the pepper spray first, and only the pistol after this failed. He fired three shots before a customer heard "the scream of the squirrel." The customer reentered the store and found Officer Putnam with the animal pinned beneath his shoe.

Despite the obvious danger of firing your weapon off (at a squirrel) in a store full of people, Putnam was apparently not fired for this. He was fired by the City Council and mayor for violating the department policy for not filling out a report of the incident.

Regardless this epic conflict with conflicting reports will surely become another Tennessee legend not unlike those of Daniel Boone and other brave heroes.

 

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Monday, October 21, 2013

Cat Caught Smuggling Drugs Into Moldovan Prison

It was the purrrrfect crime, or so they thought (I hate myself for that one.)

Cats, they clearly cannot be trusted. Especially in a criminal enterprise, when you gotta be willing to go down for your transgressions it helps to employ those who aren't distracted by shiny objects.

I should have known you wouldn't take the heat Fluffy, I mean for Christ's sake you're covered in hair!

Guards in a Moldovan prison were becoming increasingly suspicious of a small grey and white cat that they observed frequently entering and exiting the prison through a small hole in a wall. Eventually they decided to try and wrangle the small beast and figure out what it was doing there, other than the usual catlike mischief.

Turns out they were right to be suspicious. This feline was up to no good.

Once they caught the animal, and interrogations proved futile due to the cat's inability to understand english (or refusal to) the guards decided to search the cat. Upon looking into the cat's novelty collar, they found the evidence, bags of cannabis.

The guards smartly videotaped the search, as to prevent sexual harassment claims by the cat. You may also note the clear resistance to the search displayed by the criminal.




Authorities are still searching for the person who trained the drug mule  cat, who will be executed for his crimes against Moldovan law. Just kidding! The suspect can avoid any punishment by giving up his trainer, after all betrayal is right in his nature. I'm betting the cat will talk.

All that said, thank you Internet, sometimes you make the stories so easy to write.


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Paralyzed Man Parks In Handicap Spot, Gets Nasty Note On Car

Some people, how dare they use a handicap spot to park their cars?! Who cares if they are actually paralyzed, can't they see those spots are for people who need them? The nerve!

Matt Milstead, 36, parked his BMW in  a handicapped spot before playing a game of wheelchair rugby at his local YMCA located in Grand Rapids, Michigan. When he returned to his car he found a rather mean note under the door handle. Someone wasn't happy that he had taken the spot.


Who writes a hand-written note? Isn't there an app for yelling at people?

The letter read:

“I would love to see your wheelchair! I'm guessing male 25-35 years professional who thinks he's got the world by the ass. But I could be wrong."

Milstead was confused upon the discovery of the piece of paper. When asked by WOOD TV about the incident, he wondered why a stranger would just assume that someone had taken the spot, that they had "tried to steal a close and convenient spot."

When you learn a little bit more about Milstead, you can easily see why he could be confused that someone would particularly be angry with him parking in the spot. Milstead is a quadriplegic.

As for Mark's wife Leslie, she was not puzzled by the note, she was angered. This anger prompted her to write a letter to the anonymous person on her Facebook page, where she noted that her husband would gladly trade "his BMW and handicapped parking pass for a working set of arms and legs."

"You were so close on the age, he's actually 36, and he is a professional with a full time job. 
He is also a quadriplegic, which for him means that he can no longer move his legs or his fingers in either hand. He has no grip. 
So, if you are willing to give him your functioning hands and legs for the rest of your life in exchange for his 6-year-old BMW and handicapped parking pass, I'm sure he'd make that trade. 
Why are you so confident that a handicapped person couldn't be a hard worker who is successful and owns a nice vehicle?"

The Milsteads hope that their story will help reign in the parking lot vigilantes who feel it is their duty to police handicapped spaces. As has been illustrated above, and with many things, vigilante justice is usually not the preferred method for anything.

Leslie:

"It's kind of ironic the guy was trying to right a wrong. He assumed some jerk had parked in a handicapped spot that shouldn't be, and so he was really trying. He probably felt like a good person and thought he was doing a good thing, but the problem is he was wrong."

She goes on to point out, "it's not going to stop people that are abusing it. And the damage is done when it gets to someone who deserves to be out there."

Discrimination kids, not cool in any way. Also, don't park in a handicap spot people, unless you need it, and keep your bad handwriting to yourself.


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Sunday, October 20, 2013

Funday: You Got Time For Fun, And We Have A Day For You

Well look at this, already it is Funday again boys and girls, and if you have tuned in before then you know what is about to go down in this piece. I have once again scoured the Internet to find you some tunes and videos, and this week we have a winner. Not to say other weeks aren't winners, but this time, I am feeling special. Could be something in the air, or the change of the season, but odds are it is just all of you folks being here. You make this special, and make Funday the best day.

Also, I couldn't think of a joke or picture to go with this week so below is something I have been saving for that occasion below. It's pretty much way better than anything I could've come up with anyway, and in all actuality I am happy that I am stumped because frankly I don't know where else I could have used it.

Thank you Internet.
There is nothing more to say.

Sounds

Justin Bieber

Yeah that's right, Bieber. Fuck you. Look, it took men like me way too long to accept how awesome Justin Timberlake is, and I will be damned if I go through so much Haterade again. This kid is talented, he just is. Although he more than likely only sings the songs others have written for him, news flash, so does JT. Thankfully these songs are good because people (whose jobs are to write great songs) produce them, and in the case of this one really good. It is a straight up R&B throwback, and it is fucking JAMMIN'. Get em' Biebs, I won't lie to myself anymore.





Joey Bada$$

There are some things in this world that are constants: Joey Badass is still making great music, he is still the lyrical king of New York City right now, I consume all his music with a ferocity unparalleled. Sometimes there are even variables: Joey Badass is getting dreads, that's all I could think of. I mean really do I have to explain? The song is called "Hilary Swank." That should be enough alone to spark your curiosity.







Eminem

Speaking of dope as hell rappers, did you happen to hear that a certain towheaded man from Detroit was going to put out an album soon? If you didn't that would actually be incredibly interesting to me, because it should be part of your brain now at least through osmosis or something. Anyway, Marshall Mathers has just put out what some people are calling one of the best examples of lyricism and wordplay ever, appropriately titled "Rap God." Now I am not sure if I would rate Em as the one true monotheistic God of Rap, but he for sure would make up a significant part of the Rap Game Pantheon, without a doubt. Not necessarily the Zeus role, but definitely a Poseidon one, and everyone knows Poseidon is pretty important. Oceans y'all, they're big.







The Paper Kites

"Mind Blowing" is thrown around the Internet these days all too frequently, and also almost always is used incorrectly which just ends up hurting whatever it is describing. It is in the doldrums of over-usage with words like "meme" and "epic" (excuse me for one moment while I vomit.) However, I would posit that this video is indeed pretty mind blowing, please don't hurt me for saying so.







2 Chainz

No one is ever allowed to hate 2 Chainz again, you are allowed to not like his music that's fine, but you can never hate him ever again. Why? Because he just reunited the Hot Boyz, doing with one video what Cash Money has failed to do for almost 15 years. In a reimagining of Juvenile's "Back That Azz Up" he has finally reunited Wayne, Juve, Turk and Mannie Fresh as a bonus. Also they had Klafield (the man responsible for one of the greatest rap videos ever- Juvenile's "Ha") to shoot the video right in the hood of New Orleans. Also, for those who will ask, BG is in jail so he is indeed absent. As far as I know 2 Chainz isn't an excellent criminal lawyer so I'll let him slide on that one. Pat yourself on the back Chainz, you did it.







James Blake and Chance The Rapper

Now this is musical magic. Apart I do not care for wither of these guys. Not saying that they are bad, but I just never could get into either of their music catalogues. However, this very strange teamup is nothing short of, well, magic. I am not the only one who realizes this either, they plan to maybe even do an album together. How in earth they met? I have not one clue, but I don't want to know either, I just want to listen to this song.







Sights

Yeah, Baby

Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby. Kill me.






Trucks Crashing Into Bridges

Someone actually sat down one day and compiled all these videos of trucks crashing into bridges, and then put them on the Internet. Someone might have even done it for their job, as a requirement for their employment. You know how this makes me feel? Wonderful. That I am allowed to live in such a great time period. Suck it every other century.






Half Measure

Breaking Bad is over forever, go ahead and shed your single tear, I'll wait. Feel better? No? Well, maybe this will cheer you up, because now that the show is done people online can begin to really kick the tribute videos into high gear. This is one of the best one's I have seen so far. A comic style recreation of what could possibly be one of the best scenes of one of the best television shows ever. No more half measures.






Smart Sushi

If you have read this blog for any short amount of time, you are probably aware of my (some would say) "irrational" fear of a robot apocalypse. I would say I am just being cautious that at any time the increasing amount of robots that we are creating could just decide to crush our bones beneath their cold robot feet and we would have no say in the matter. This sushi restaurant however may have swayed me back into sane territory, because it has robots and they are good. Good in the way they deliver delicious food to your mouth. Either that or the robots have already infiltrated my brain and slowly are making me love them before they destroy me. Time will tell.






We did it again, already another Funday in the bag! Hope you enjoyed your time as much as I did. Now go on out there and dunk a giant baby head through a basketball hoop, Michael Jordan wants you to.


What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine


Saturday, October 19, 2013

There Is A Game Where You Are A Rotating Limo Driver, And It Is Great

Video games are constantly becoming more and more great, and by great I mean weird. This is a very wonderful thing if you are a fan of video games. One of the men who helped create a video game that almost everyone has played (Rockband) whose name is Dan Teasdale, has decided to make a new game.

In making this game, it seems Dan has thrown everything that he may have used/learned while making Rockband right out the window (of a limo no less.) This is a great thing that he has done, because instead of pretending to be a band and play plastic instruments (although that was and still is very cool) now you get to be something even cooler. Did you guess limo driver? If you did, then you are gonna love what's coming up, although chances are you will also love it if you didn't guess that.

His new game Roundabout stars you, as Georgio Manos, limo driver extraordinaire and the world's first "revolving chauffeur." Who given how awesome his name is, I imagine at all times looks as cool as this:

Don't worry, I gave you two looks just to emphasize how cool he is.

It is 1977, and you must use your rotating limo, which constantly spins in 360 degrees, to transport the people and things of the town. It is ridiculous, it is charming, and most of all one of a kind.

Here is the trailer, and what a fantastic trailer it is:





Note to video game companies: Do you want to make a trailer for your game that will make people remember it? Forget spending millions of dollars on tv spots and marketing campaigns, just make it look like a cheesy 70's travel video. Make sure to employ an equally cheesy narrator talent. Then you will have success. So much style, I almost cannot handle it.

Roundabout will be out next year for consoles and PC, until then check it out here.


What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine

This Art Will Slap You In The Eyeballs

Roxie Vizcarra is a person. A person who has a rad name. She lives in Brooklyn, New York. There is one other thing about Roxie that you should know, she does art. Some of the most amazing art I have seen in a long time. I just don't want to think about the worlds that these characters live in, I want to live inside them. 

It's vibrant, it is colorful, it is alive, and most of all it is undeniably badass. How badass is it? Well I would have never guessed that a picture of a man on a Vespa would be one of the coolest things I have seen in a long time. I want to hang it on my wall, then punch a hole in my wall because the wall next to it looks so plain compared to this totally sweet picture.

Below are some of my absolute favorites, but you can find more of her work at her personal site and blog.

Check it out:

Flaming dog, check. Androgynous hero, check. Ethereal green flaming sword, check. Where do I sign up for this adventure? 

We have two things I love here: Space and Fictional Murder. Combined for Space Murder. Sold.
I have no words for how amazing this is. I want to bathe in this world.

A little bit of awesome gender reversal again, super rad.

As soon as I am done here I am gonna go see if this is a real comic, and then buy every issue.

Someone more talented than me, please look at this picture and make it into a show. It won't fail.
Screw it, I'm getting hyperbolic. This is the best picture on the Internet.

If I can ever do one thing as cool as these pictures, my life will be perfect. Side note, my new life goal? Be the Vespa man, somehow, someway, it will happen.


What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine

Friday, October 18, 2013

People Still Complain To The FCC About The Simpsons And It Is Great

The Simpsons is still on television and has been renewed recently for it's historic 26th season. I am what feels like one of the few people in the country who still loves and watches the show on a regular basis. Just in case you heard wrong from people on the Internet it's still funny. 

In fact, it is still so funny that now, in 2013, people are still being offended by it. If that can happen then I posit that it has to be worth watching still right? Any good comedy is bound to offend someone, that means it is doing it's job.

Keep on rolling you two, right to the bank.

Back to the complaints though. Via the Freedom of Information Act, the website governmentattic.org obtained an archive of complaints filed against the show, and they are pretty great.

Here are some choice examples:







My advice, relax people, it is a cartoon show. Also, the whale thing pretty much based on history, and groin punching will always be funny, unless you are the one punched.

Whatever though, keep complaining people because at the end of the day:

Stupid Sexy Flanders cares not for your complaints.


What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine

Students Get Live D.A.R.E Presentation When Teacher Does Heroin, Passes Out

Students in Allegheny, Pennsylvania were treated to a live D.A.R.E. presentation that is about as effective as you could get in trying to convince drugs are not a good idea. It didn't involve a police presentation, or a bunch of t-shirts, but their teacher passing out from using heroin.


I bet the kids still told their parents school was boring.
 Wednesday morning Christopher Chiapetta, 26, probably had an all around usual morning. He probably ate a balanced breakfast, took a shower, and caught the morning's headlines in the paper. However, around 6AM he decided to put a little flavor into his morning and have a little heroin.

With his day ready to go and the heroin coursing it's way through his veins, Chiapetta then decided to go on down to work, which happened to be at a school where he was a substitute art teacher for the day. Things were going fine, that is until around noon. That's when Chiapetta's body had enough, and decided to shut down, promptly making him pass out.

Cut to Sgt. Mike Hudson, the school's friendly resource police officer, who happened to be patrolling the halls when he noticed that "something was off" in Chiapetta's classroom. This was after Chiapetta had taken a "ten-minute break" where he asked another teacher to watch his class. When administrators at the school managed to wake the man, he denied being under the influence.

However, his facade wasn't very strong apparently, and he soon confessed when they found the four baggies of heroin in his pocket. Chiapetta also had marijuana in his car.

After the incident Sgt. Hudson encouraged the kids to make the most of the event:

“Unfortunately, it was a very realistic show and tell where you can preach the message to students, but they got to see live, firsthand the effects of a drug addiction problem.”

Chiapetta faces multiple drug and child endangerment charges. Side note, I could not type or think of his name without thinking of this:

H-H-H-Heroin!

What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine



Thursday, October 17, 2013

Alleged Bank Robbers Forgot To Clear Their Google History, Which Landed Them In Custody

The Internet is a wonderful wealth of limitless information at your fingertips, but it remains in your power to use that information however you wish. This includes using illegal tips you found online to do some idiotic things. Regardless of whatever you learn though, be it legal or otherwise, if it happens to indeed be used in committing a crime, you should probably at least clear your search history.

Otherwise you will end up like these people:

That's ironic, because when I look at this picture I can only think of two words: Computer Savvy!  

Police are confident they found the correct suspects in Sarah McCloud and Robert Owens, who allegedly robbed a bank last Friday. When they arrested the pair and began going through McCloud's computer, they found that it had repeatedly been used to search for phrases including "What happens if you rob a bank," "What happens if you rob a house," "What happens if you rob a drug dealer," and of course "If you're going to rob a bank..."

Well let me give you a hint Ms. McCloud and Mr. Owens. If both of you rob a bank, what happens is that you go to jail, because you are bad at being criminals, and that's okay. It is the way life works. Some people shouldn't play baseball, some shouldn't be race car drivers, and you both shouldn't be criminals. Sometimes you plain just aren't cut out for things.

But wait, there's more!

The incriminating web searches wasn't the only mistake the would-be Bonnie and Clyde made in their criminal dealings. Boston.com reported that narcotics detective recognized McCloud from surveillance video of the robbery. She was already a suspect in an ongoing heroin ring investigation whose current base of operations was right around the corner from the bank.

Wait, I think a recap is in order here. First up, so if I have this straight, McCloud was already a suspected and known drug dealer who the police were watching as a potential suspect. Perhaps she should have sat out the robbery lest she be identified by the police who were already onto her...oh wait that is exactly what happened!

Second, not only was she a person of interest for the police already, but her supposed operation trap house was right around the corner from the bank! Everyone knows you shouldn't rob people you know, but you also shouldn't rob a bank that you can see from your house, which also happens to be a criminal operation.

Have these people never seen Heat? Any heist movie? There are quite a few. Hell, they could have used the exact idea from the movie Bandits and probably done much better in their criminal endeavor.

Anyway, Mc Cloud was reported to be with a man who turned out to be Robert Owens who, I am not joking here, was himself also a suspect in the neighborhood heroin ring. The hits, they just keep on coming.

Police (probably very easily) tracked the pair down to the alleged heroin HQ, where they also found (let's all say it together now) the exact clothing worn by the two in the surveillance video, the cash from the bank, a large amount of heroin ready for sale, and the computer.

McCloud, Owens, and their getaway driver were all arrested. Case. Closed.


What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Moose Are Dying Mysteriously And This Is Not Cool

Moose are dying off across North America-and no one has a clue as to why.

A recent New York Times article has shed light that a massive moose decline has hit populations from Montana to New Hampshire to British Columbia. In Minnesota alone the population numbers of moose has fallen from 12,000 in the 90's to about 3,100 today. A rather drastic decline in numbers.

The drop in population is a scary event, added to the fact that everyone is still unsure as to why it is even happening. This massive decline couldn't hit a more interesting large animal that is uniquely North  American. Is there a moose disease? Are they being abducted and used in place of camels in the world's deserts?

We gotta figure this out, they are too rad to die.

Though the cause is unclear some scientists are proposing climate change as a possible factor. There could be a certain group of parasites that are attacking the moose due to the parasite's own thriving in the shorter winters. Thriving in a warm, moist environment and then going after the large animals. The parasites, which can include moose ticks, brain worms, and liver flukes can be life threatening for the giant mammals. Nature's cruel irony rearing it's head once again, as such a massive animal is taken down by a tiny one.

Other parasites, more specifically the ones that attack trees, could also be a factor. As when they thrive in warm weather they are more apt to destroy the forests that make up home for the moose populations. No more forests equals no more moose, who can be forced into civilization and hit by cars or hunted more easily by predators.

Even the added heat of increased summers could be a factor for an animal that is more acutely adapted for freezing temperatures rather than long warm summers.

My own unscientific theory as to what is behind the deaths:

She needs to be stopped before it is too late.

Moose are known for being hard to study, so until more research is collected the whole mass dying remains a mystery.

What is clear is that something needs to be done, we cannot let such a rad animal die off, otherwise who else would do cool things like this:

Fuck your statue! Literally! Moose are so cool.

Can you see why they need to be saved now?


What did you think dear reader?  Let your opinion be heard in the comments. Don't forget to subscribe, like and follow the blog if you like what you see. Or contact me on Twitter @LucasBlaine